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Wednesday, February 26, 2014 Dave works the other side of the camera.
Show #3991
Meredith Vieira, Steve Young’s Record Collection, and Band of Horses.
PLUS: Actors Not Nominated for an Academy Award; the new Mexican drug lord; Skype attempt; a Top Ten list; and a cameraman takes an unscheduled break.

“From the heart of the Solar System, across the galaxy and around the universe, it’s the Late Show with David Letterman! (blah blah blah) . . . and now, the fourth Cartwright brother . . . . . . David Letterman!”

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE:

-“Piers Morgan is out of a job. CNN said, ‘See ya!’ to the Brit talk show host. But don’t worry about Piers. He’s already got a show lined up in England called, ‘Europeans in Cars Getting Tea.’”

There are some strong contenders in the Academy Award race, but not every person who acts can be nominated. It’s just the nature of the business. We take a look at one actor who will not be nominated for an Academy Award.
ART CARD: ACTORS NOT NOMINATED FOR AN ACADEMY AWARD
We see a lone, elderly woman in a parking lot. She’s concerned, lost. She laments in a bit of a weak, feebly voice, "Where did I park my car? Ohh, nooooo!"

El Chapo,” the world’s most wanted drug lord, was captured in Mexico over the weekend. What now happens to the multibillion dollar organization? We take a look.
ANNOUNCE: "Joaquín ‘El Chapo Guzman, leader of Mexico's powerful Sinaloa drug cartel, is now behind bars. The drug-trafficking empire has already named Guzman’s successor. Beginning as a street-level drug distributor and moving up the ranks to supplier, hit squad member, top lieutenant, and finally, El Chapo's most-trusted associate, the notorious cartel's new boss is . . . Miriam O'Donnell."
(see a photo of Miriam O’Donnell. Great cover. She looks like your typical Long Island housewife)
ANNOUNCE: "Congratulations, Miriam! You deserve it! The Sinaloa drug cartel is a proud member of the Better Business Bureau. Visit us at www.BBB.org."

Huh? What’s that at the bottom of the screen? Oh, it’s one of those SKYPE things. Someone is trying to face-chat with Dave. It’s Bob Rutherford from parts unknown.
The confused senior is lost in front of his computer screen. We see a close up of Rutherford’s face as Dave shrinks to the bottom of the screen. Bob tries his best to figure out this new crazy contraption. I think he’ll be lost until the grandkids come over.
Not a match.

Time now for another installment of “Actors Not Nominated For an Academy Award.”
ART CARD: ACTORS NOT NOMINATED FOR AN ACADEMY AWARD
We see a gentleman leaving an office. He closes the door behind him. He is in pain. He is in tears. He exhibits anguish. He moans, “No, no.”
ART CARD: ACTORS NOT NOMINATED FOR AN ACADEMY AWARD

And we have one more of these.
ART CARD: ACTORS NOT NOMINATED FOR AN ACADEMY AWARD
We see a guy about to put a Q-tip in his ear. The announcer announces: "Stop using cotton swabs that can damage your ears."
We see the guy press the Q-tip too far into his ear, and lets out a painful, “Owwww!”
ART CARD: ACTORS NOT NOMINATED FOR AN ACADEMY AWARD

ACT 2:
Dave shares that his favorite part of the show actually takes place just before the start, when he comes out and chats with the audience. My favorite time is when Dave says, “Good night, everybody!” During tonight’s pre-show Q&A, a fellow in the audience asked Dave for some parenting/child-rearing advice. Parenting is a fulltime, never-ending job, full of non-stop responsibilities. Dave feels parenting takes a lot of patience and discipline. The hard part is where to draw that line between the two. Dave asked the man what his responsibilities are around the house with the kids. The guy said, “Nothing.” Dave can’t figure it out. If the guy has no responsibilities, what does he want child-rearing advice. Why is he pretending?

At this point in the show, cameraman Al Cialino gets Dave’s attention. What’s he want? Al tells Dave, “I just need a minute.” Al then walks off through the guest entrance. Hmmm. What’s up? Doesn’t Al know we’re right in the middle of the show? Dave gets up to attend the now unattended camera. Breaking every Union rule in the book, Dave monkeys with the camera machine. He wheels it around to show the audience, and then continues to turn the camera to get staffers in the shot. Staffers dart here and there, not quite realizing they don’t have to run. Dave wants them in the shot, but still, the scurried as if Dave was Knicks point guard Raymond Felton doing the pointing. Moments later, Al returns with a cookie and coffee. Sometimes you just feel like a cookie. Dave returns to his desk. Meanwhile, a team of staff and crew work to undo the tangle and trouble Dave created while working the camera. It’s a 5-man job.

TOP TEN: Sponsored by . . .
ALAN: "Tonight's Top Ten list is sponsored by Harvest Farm Apple Orchard. Crisp. Refreshing. Organic. Harvest Farm Apple Orchard would like to congratulate the Mexican Marines on the arrest of Joaquin ‘El Chapo’ Guzman. Back to you, Duckface."

TOP TEN: INACCURACIES IN “SON OF GOD” – The film about the life of Jesus Christ opens this Friday. Dave says if there is one thing theologians hate about movies concerning the Bible is the bloopers. Theologians don’t like the Bible bloopers.
INACCURACIES IN “SON OF GOD”
10. Jesus' perm
9. Joseph tells long, rambling story about how he met Jesus' mother
8. Jesus' donkey sassily saying "Ass-cuse me!"
7. At the last supper, Regis excuses himself before the check arrives
6. Scene where Jesus infiltrates the Amish Mafia
5. Extended sermon on the benefits of Metamucil
4. When performing a miracle, Jesus says, "Shazam!"
3. The disciple named "Lou"
2. Judas refrains from kissing Jesus so as not to offend Arizonians
1. Jesus' first miracle is this (video of Jesus as The Fonz)

#7 “At the last supper, Regis excuses himself before the check arrives.” But would that be an inaccuracy? That seems more like an accurate depiction of Regis.

I had a free minute during the day and so I prepared some Top Tens just in case more were needed. My submissions:
INACCURACIES IN “SON OF GOD”
-When Jesus walked on water, you could see David Hasselhoff in the background.
-First miracle: turning water in to delicious brown grave.
-When Judas egged his neighbor’s house.
-Jesus referring to the Apostle as his “posse”
-A young Jesus upset that he was born on Christmas.
-Cross carried by Justin Bieber’s bodyguards.
-When Jesus spoke to God using Twitter
-Bloomin’ Onion appetizer at the Last Supper

BUZZ!

I got a sneak preview of “Son of God.” I’m not going to tell you how it ends.

ACT 3:
MEREDITH VIEIRA

Quite the resume! Former co-host on the Today show; Emmy Award-winning journalist; and the longest-running female game show host in television history! Wow! You mean even longer than . . . . . . .
Meredith was busy at the Olympics for the past few weeks. Dave has a bevy of questions about the Olympics, from the opening ceremony to the closing ceremony, and everything in between. Conversation turns to Vladimir Putin. Dave sees him as an evil-doer. Meredith says, “Well, at least he looks good with his shirt off.” Oh uh. Yup, we see a quick montage of the Vlad.
Stray dogs? Yes, they were there. Lots of people were adopting some strays. Meredith says she wanted to adopt a dog, but her husband hates the dog they already have.
The food: Meredith recommends the cheesy bread from the Russia Georgia. I’ll be Googling the cheesy bread this weekend.
Good news for Meredith fans; she’s going to have her very own show come this fall called, “The Meredith Vieira Show.” Meredith says she has Dave’s old daytime show in mind when she’s making plans for it. And it’ll take place in Studio 6A at NBC, the very studio of Dave’s Late Night. Her hope for the show is that it lasts at least one season. That’s the right way to think: baby steps first.

Here’s something I don’t quite get. At the opening ceremony, there was a malfunction. One of the 5 snowflakes did not blossom into an Olympic Ring like it was supposed to. The world saw the malfunction, except for Russia. Russian television showed a rehearsal of the ceremony and so all went perfect to them. But then in the closing ceremony, Russia poked fun at themselves by purposely committing a malfunction in reference to the malfunction two weeks prior. But how could the Russians get the joke? How could they get the reference?

ACT 4:
STEVE YOUNG

Our good friend and longtime writer for Dave and the show. Steve has an odd hobby of collecting record albums of industrial musicals. Steve calls these musicals, “The least known and least understood music genres.” He adds that these musicals weren’t meant for people. As we listen to some samples, we see why.
Steve and his writing partner, Sport Murphy, compiled a very entertaining book, “Everything’s Coming Up Profits – The Golden Age of Industrial Musicals.” It’s more fun than it has any right to be. You’ll giggle from start to finish. And this Saturday, March 15th at the Jalopy Theater in Brooklyn (315 Columbus Street), Steve and Sport will present “previously unseen musical shows created to entertain and motivate corporate audiences.” Included will be the world premiere of “The Bathrooms Are Coming.” Find out more, find out everything at: www.industrialmusicals.com.
Follow Steve, Sport, and the Industrial musicals on Facebook and Twitter. Going into commercial, Paul and the band pick up where Steve left off with one of the albums, “We Got Tires To Sell.”

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: “We’ve got what you want tomorrow, with Dave and his guests Simon Helberg, Young The Giant, and Stupid Human Tricks. I hope something grows on barnacles, because it would serve them right.”

ACT 6:
BAND OF HORSES

From their brand new album, “Acoustic At The Ryman,” Band of Horses performed “Detlef Schrempf.” And then they hung around to perform “Laredo,” which you can see on the Late Show web.
I liked these guys. Good stuff, good sound.

And that was our show for Wednesday, February 26, 2014.

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

Tonight's Guests

Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Michael Somerville
David Gray

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