CBS

Search By Date
M T W Th F
Thursday, February 27, 2014 Dave hosts another exhibition of Stupid Human Tricks.
Show #3992
Stupid Human Tricks, Simon Helberg, and Young The Giant.
PLUS: Mayor Rob Ford; Obama and Reagan with Something in Common; Actors Not Nominated for an Academy Award; and New Books.

" . . . and now, able to grow his own beard without assistance . . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE:
- "A lot of new faces at this year's Academy Awards. Not new people, just new faces."

Krispy Kreme is selling a coffee donut. A donut loaded with caffeine and sugar . . . . when you can't afford crack. And speaking of crack, remember this guy? We see a split-screen of Dave and Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. Dave greets the good Mayor. Dave tries to engage Mayor Ford in conversation, but the Mayor isn't responding. Nothing. Dave keeps at it but the Mayor's mind is elsewhere. He's probably thinking of a Krispy Kreme donut. Or a Tim Horton.

Did you see this the other day? President Obama, right in the middle of a speech, let out a big sneeze. It was an "aaah-hoo!" (Oooh, maybe we can play around with the "aaah-hoo" to make it sound like "Waa-hooo!") We all sneeze, but seeing the President sneeze . . . and not into his elbow . . . seemed funny. But this isn't the first time a U.S. President did something like that right in the middle of a speech. Remember this one? It wasn't a sneeze, but . . . .
We see Ronald Reagan speeching his famous speech, "Mr. Gorbachev . . . . tear down this . . . (burrrrrup) . . . . wall." Right! We never saw Reagan's speech like that. U.S. television eliminated the burp. It's sort of like what Russian TV did during the Sochi Olympic Opening Ceremony this year.

During the monologue, Dave hears a siren outside the theater. He waits and listens. Not sure how much you at home could hear. More siren . . . . . and Dave then says . . . c'mon, you should now. Did you Play The Dave? As the siren blares, Dave eventually says, "My ride's here!"

There are some strong contenders in the Academy Award race, but not every person who acts can be nominated. It's just the nature of the business. We take a look at one actor who will not be nominated for an Academy Award.
ART CARD: ACTORS NOT NOMINATED FOR AN ACADEMY AWARD
We see a lone, elderly woman in a parking lot. She's concerned, lost. She laments in a bit of a weak, feebly voice, "Where did I park my car? Ohh, nooooo!"
ART CARD: ACTORS NOT NOMINATED FOR AN ACADEMY AWARD

With the Academy Awards upon us, we should remember that it's the writers who get the movie magic started. We take a look at a script of a screenplay that is up for Best Picture.
ANNOUNCE: "'Gravity' . . . by George Clooney, Alfonso Cuaron, and Jonas Cuaran."
We then take a look at a page from the script. Dialogue for Sandra Bullock.
SANDRA BULLOCK: "AHHHHHH! AHHHHHA! AHHHHH! AHHHHHH! AHHHHHA! AHHHHH! AHHHHHH! AHHHHHA! AHHHHH! AHHHHHH! AHHHHHA! AHHHHH! AHHHHHH! AHHHHHA! AHHHHH! AHHHHHH! AHHHHHA! AHHHHH! AHHHHHH! AHHHHHA! AHHHHH! AHHHHHH! AHHHHHA! AHHHHH!"
Wow! What writing! I've always said I would have loved to have seen the script for Tom Hanks' film, "Cast Away". Had to be less than 10 pages, with four pages for the first 10 minutes and 5 pages for the last 10 minutes. The rest of the hour-and-a-half is less than a page.
By the way, I always thought Wilson should have won Best Supporting Actor that year.

Hey, one more.
ART CARD: ACTORS NOT NOMINATED FOR AN ACADEMY AWARD
We see a woman in her home looking on in horror. Her dog is dragging its butt across the carpet. Worms, I think. The woman cries out, "Toby!"
ART CARD: ACTORS NOT NOMINATED FOR AN ACADEMY AWARD
I actually thought both she and the dog did pretty good work here.

The siren continued much through Dave's opening remarks. I think it was a 911 call to an ambulance to revive the monologue. Hey-Ohhhh!
I'm glad Dave doesn't read this.

ACT 2:
It's Thursday, so you know what that means . . . time for NEW BOOKS!
- "Our Story" - by Charlie Sheen & his porn star fiancee. It comes with a warning that reads: "Wash hands after touching this book."
- The National Audubon Society "Field Guide to Late Night Hosts" - on the front cover and back are photos of the many late night talk show hosts.
- "How to Hold a Spoon" - by the best-selling author who also wrote "How to Hold a Fork" - "How to Hold a Spoon" must be a pretty popular book. It's the 3rd edition.
- "Joe Biden from Above" - overhead photos of Vice President Joe Biden. Now I see why he got the plugs.
- "The Hat in the Cat" - on the cover we see an x-ray of a cat. Inside the cat . . . a hat.
- "Hitting Rock Bozzle" - by Bizzle. That's Justin Bieber to you not in the know.
- "The Selfies" - by Ansel Adams. Beautiful photos of landscapes across America, with s selfie of Ansel in the foreground.
- "Cooking with Legos" - this will be very popular in the Letterman household.

And that's just some of the new books on the shelves coming this spring.

ACT 3:
It's Thursday, so you know what that means . . . . time for STUPID HUMAN TRICKS.
1. Art Cormier from Lafayette, Louisiana. Art owns a rock climbing gym. What will Art do for us tonight? He brought out a chair with him, so my guess it has something to do with that. Art says he will traverse the chair without touching the floor.
Art takes off his shoes and takes a seat. He lifts his feet off the floor and then shimmies himself under the chair and up the other side back into the chair without hardly touching the floor. The trick to this I think is to have real good stomach muscles. I would have liked to have tried that back in the days of my youth. In fact, that looked like me in college trying to sit down after a night of drink. Says Dave, "It reminds me of something I tried to get my wife to do on the honeymoon . . and she said, 'Not in the lobby.'"

2. Sam Schiff - he's a local kid still in high school from just up the block on the Upper West Side. Sam is a sophomore. What does he plan to do after college? Sam hasn't thought much of college, and certainly not what he wants to do afterwards. What does Sam want to do? "I don't know . . . juggle . . ." Sam sounds like every male high school sophomore. What will Sam do for us? Sam will juggle a hot dog, a hot dog bun, and some mustard, and then eat it as he goes. Same begins to juggle the items, and then bites into the hot dog, the roll, and squirts the mustard into his mouth. Sam gets most of the mustard into his mouth, but not all. His juggling was superb. Dave enjoys the silliness. I think Sam may have bit off more than he could chew . . . literally. Dave exclaims, "As a father, this is all you really want in your kid."

3. Britney Walsh from Portland, Oregon. She enters carrying a bow and arrow. I'm no scientist, but I bet her trick has something to do with it. The arrow has a rubber suction cup on the end. She hands Dave a plastic target to hold. Dave isn't so sure if that's a good idea. What's the trick? Well, the first trick is to convince Dave to hold the target. Dave stands as instructed with a clear target in front of his face. Britney then balances herself with a handstand on two 3-foot posts. She takes the bow and arrow with her feet. Upside down, Britney aims the bow and arrow at the target and fires. Britney hits the target. Not quite an Ed Ames moment, but WOW! Great trick, Britney! Almost too good for STUPID HUMAN TRICKS.

ACT 4:
SIMON HELBERG
From "The Big Bang Theory" - and he's about to become a dad for the second time. Dave congratulates Simon on the news, but Simon admits he didn't have much to do with it except for a quick moment some time back. His wife is doing all the work.
Simon and his wife are also involved in producing and directing a movie. It's pretty autobiographical. It's about a guy who breaks up with the best thing that ever happens to him, and then his struggle to get her back. Simon says he acted like a jerk, even though he knew she was the one. The closer he got to asking her to be his wife, the more he acted like a jerk. It was an exercise in self-destruction. She finally told him to get lost. When Simon soon realized the mistake he made, he went back to her to apologize. But she had already fled to Paris. Yeah, it was like a real movie! So Simon went to get her. He showed up on Paris and finds that she had met a French violin virtuoso. All very intimidating. Simon left unsuccessful in his quest. When she finally returned to the States, Simon proposed to her immediately. How it ends . . . you'll have to watch the movie. It's called, "We'll Never Have Paris" and will be playing at the South by Southwest Film Festival.
Before saying goodnight, Simon does some Nicolas Cage. Spot on!

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "Don't miss tomorrow's Late Show, with Dave and his guests 'Jungle' Jack Hanna, and Jake Johannsen. We never went to the moon. By 'we' I mean myself and my immediate family."

ACT 6:
YOUNG THE GIANT
From their 2nd album, "Mind Over Matter," Young The Giant performed "It's About Time."

And that was our show for Thursday February 27, 2014.

Dave's monologue joke: "Expect to see a lot of new faces at this year's Academy Awards. Not new people, just new faces." It's a joke he tells every year. From a quick 2 minute search, I found what I was looking for. The originator of that line came from Johnny Carson hosting the Academy Awards in 1979, who quipped, "I see a lot of new faces...especially on the old faces." I believe the joke is a private tip of the hat from Dave to Mr. Carson, but it's just a guess on my part.

The first concert my daughters went to was a Young The Giant show in Central Park. I know I don't have the most clear enunciation when speaking, but every time I told someone I took my girls to see Young The Giant, they would ask shockingly, "They went to see Young Vagina?"
I've since slowed down my speaking whenever I refer to "Young The Giant" . . . . . and when talking about the New York Giants.

Former St. Louis Cardinals Hall of Fame shortstop Ozzie Smith and Budweiser started a petition to make baseball's Opening Day a national holiday. Well, congratulations to Budweiser for creating all this free publicity for themselves. I used to treat baseball's Opening Day as if it were a national holiday, but no more. For one, I was young and wide-eyed and liked to pretend everything was perfect, like baseball. But when MLB took Opening Day and made it into a TV friendly night game and then moved the opening game of the year overseas to Japan . . . that soured me a whole lot on the game. F'rinstance, this year's regular season Opening Day is between the Los Angeles Dodgers and the Arizona Diamondbacks . . . . to be played in Australia. The time of the first pitch in Los Angeles and Arizona . . . . 3:00 AM. Baseball USED TO BE like a national holiday, but Major League Baseball ruined it. Baseball at its best was when the Cincinnati Reds opened every season with a day game. The rest of baseball opened the next day. That's the way it should be. It would be better for baseball if they did it this way, and here's the thing . . . it would make MLB more money in the long run. Sure, go play in Japan and Australia to promote the game, but make it an exhibition game. They won't care over there if it counts or not. Hey, Ozzie . . . Budweiser . . . work on that first before trying to make Opening Day a national holiday.
Baseball's Opening Day used to be special. It's no longer special. Not at all.

So I'm looking up some stats on Yankee shortstop Derek Jeter the other day. I was curious how many games the entire Yankee infield played last year. Derek was out most of the year, 1st baseman Mark Teixeira was out most of the year, new 2nd baseman Brian Roberts from the Orioles rarely plays a full year due to injury, and who knows who the 3rd baseman will be?
Anyway, while looking up Derek's stats I noticed that his middle name is Sanderson. I did a quick check to see the year he was born: 1974. I then did a quick check on the Boston Bruins of the early 70s. One of their big stars was the flamboyant and loud and rock star-like Derek Sanderson. Could Derek Jeter be named after the Bruins forward Derek Sanderson? Could he be? But he can't! The Jeter family is anything but flamboyant and loud. With a little more digging I found that Derek got his middle name from his grandfather, Sanderson Charles Jeter. How's that for a non-story.
HEY! Maybe Derek Sanderson was named after Derek Jeter's grandfather!

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike


Tonight's Guests

Serena Williams
Chadwick Boseman
Echo & The Bunnymen

Wahoo Gazette Archive

Friday, August 29
Consider mailing water to relatives in drought regions.
Wednesday, August 27
Time for a Grape Break!
Tuesday, August 26
Is this the "Late Show" or "Jailhouse Rock"?
Monday, August 25
Flying dogs take over 53rd Street for the Purina Pro Plan Incredible Dog Challenge.
Tuesday, August 19
Dave welcomes #1 ranked tennis star Novak Djokovic.