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Friday, February 28, 2014 Dave receives the coveted CBS Television Network Award for Participation
Show #3993
Jack Hanna, and Jake Johannsen.
PLUS: Larry King is back?; Actors Not Nominated; Office Oscar Pools; Red Carpet Disasters; Dave wins!; a Top Ten List; and New Books

“ . . . and now, the most famous calypso singer in the metro area . . . . . . David Letterman!”

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE:
-“A new thriller opened this weekend, ‘Non-Stop.’ The villain threatens to kill a passenger every 20 minutes. It turns into 25 minutes when he gets stuck behind the beverage cart.”

A few years ago, CNN fired Larry King and replaced him with Piers Morgan. Now that Piers has been canceled, Larry is asking for his old job back. The King has been getting in shape for his comeback. We take a look. We see the exterior of Larry King’s house. From inside, we hear Larry King practicing cities: “Portland, hello . . . . . Denver, hello . . . . . Port St. Lucie, hello . . . .”

There are some strong contenders in the Academy Award race, but not every person who acts can be nominated. It’s just the nature of the business. We take a look at one actor who will not be nominated for an Academy Award.
ART CARD: ACTORS NOT NOMINATED FOR AN ACADEMY AWARD
We watch the lead character in an infomercial for “Super Back,” the rinse-away back hair removal system. Like magic, back hair washes right off in the shower.
ART CARD: ACTORS NOT NOMINATED FOR AN ACADEMY AWARD

He may not win an Academy Award for that, but did you see how smooth his back was!

Pat Farmer enters holding some papers.
DAVE: “Oh, look, it’s our stagehand Pat Farmer. What can I do for you, Pat?”
PAT: “Hey, Dave. You want in on the Oscar Pool?”
DAVE: “Sure. What do I have to do? Just pick the winners?
PAT: “Yup, it’s five bucks.”
DAVE: (hands Pat five dollars and takes a sheet)
PAT: “Okay, and do you want to do our Office Oscar Pool?”
DAVE: “I thought that was the Office Oscar Pool.”
PAT: “No, for this one you have to guess who in the office is going to win the Oscar Pool. It’s another five bucks.”
DAVE: “Oh . . . OK, then.” (hands Pat another five and takes another sheet)
PAT: “And then you can also do the Office Oscar Pool Deluxe. That’s where you have to guess who’s going to guess who’s going to win the Oscar Pool. And then there’s the Office Oscar Pool Extreme where . . .”
DAVE: “Uh, thank, but no thanks. I get it. I’ll stick with these first two.”
PAT: “OK< well, good luck.”
Pat exits.
Dave is left holding the sheets. And then quietly drops them to the floor.

The Academy Awards are this Sunday and everybody’s talking about what the stars will be wearing on the Red Carpet. What better time to take a look back at some infamous Red Carpet Disasters.
We see Whoopi Goldberg on the red carpet in a lime green dress from 1993.
We see Bjork on the red carpet in her swan dress from 2001.
We see a great ball of fire from “The Great Red Carpet Fire of 1937.”

ACT 2:
It’s always fun to try to guess what will be the first animal Jack Hanna brings out. Over the years, Dave has learned that “lemur” is a very good guess. When in doubt, say “lemur.”

While Dave is chatting, we suddenly hear the familiar Academy Award theme-like music. What’s going on? We cut to where the action is taking place by the spiral staircase. And elegantly dressed man and woman approach a podium. One is holding an Oscar. The woman announces: “And The CBS Television Network Award for Participation goes to . . . . . “
The envelope is opened. The man announces: “Dave Letterman.”
Much fanfare. Much applause. Dave is overwhelmed. Dave gets up and starts to approach the podium to accept his award.
WOMAN: “Dave couldn’t be here tonight, so we accept this award on his behalf.” They exit.
A disappointed Dave exclaims, “Well, that blows!”
I was disappointed that Dave didn’t get the chance to accept the award, too. I really wanted to hear him thank his agent and manager.

TOP TEN: MEMORABLE LINES FROM ACADEMY AWARDS ACCEPTANCE SPEECHES
8. “This statuette really belongs to the underpaid, foreign workers who made it.”
6. “Thank you to my sham wife.”
3. “I didn’t prepare a speech, so I’ll just make train noises.”
1. “I’m honored just to be out of rehab.”

ACT 3:
JACK HANNA
– Director Emeritus of the Columbus Zoo, and host of “Jack Hanna’s Into The Wild” and “Jack Hanna’s Wild Countdown.
Jack’s first animal tonight . . . .
1. BABY SERVALS – or cute cats. Dave wonders how many different cats there are in the wild. Jack thinks a moment. Not wanting to look as if he doesn’t know, Jack guesses, “I’d say over a hundred. I have no idea.” But why say you have no idea when you can just make up a number. Bill O’Reilly does that when Dave asks for a specific. He’ll throw out a “percent” when he has no idea, but I’ll save that for the next time Bill O’Reilly is on. The white spots on the tips of the servals ears are to confuse birds of prey overhead. The birds will believe the servals is on to them and won’t sneak attack. But I would like to see the bird that would attack a serval.

2. An Albino African Crested Porcupine – an albino porcupine could not survive in the wild. No camouflage. Dave and Jack talk about eating porcupines. Some do so, though Jack and Dave have not. One good thing about eating porcupine . . . it comes with its own toothpicks.
3. Brown Boobies – their water birds. I think Jack brought them with him just so he could say “Boobies.” And naturally, he bought two of them. To learn more about Brown Boobies, Google-Image it.
4. Hellbinder Snot Otter. Yech. It’s a long slimy snot-like, slug-like, blob of goo. A snail without a shell. This is the kind of animal they keep behind a glass encasement at the zoo. You can’t help but tap on the window to try to make it move.
5. North American Otter – it’s a lively, social, fun kind of animal. The otter scurries around Jack and hides behind his back, popping out the other side. It looks like one of Jack’s old games, “Hide The Otter.”
6. Raven – Jack has trained the raven to steal fifties from people who still pay with cash. Dave holds up a fifty and the raven flies over and takes it right out of his hand. Dave holds another fifty and the raven again makes of with it. Dave wonders if he’s going to get any change.
7. African Leopard – a beautiful creature

During Jack’s visit, we learn that there 36 different kinds of cats. And we also watch Jack try to eat five bananas in rapid succession like a Gibbons, a small ape. It wasn’t pretty. It wasn’t pretty at all.

Going in or out of commercial, we see a lemur backstage standing by just in case we needed one.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: “Catch Dave Monday with his guests Zach Braff, former Army Sgt. Brendan Marrocco and Dr. Andrew Lee, and Future Islands. If you plan to leave the room where your television is located, be sure to get your hand stamped.”

ACT 7:
JAKE JOHANNSEN

The very funny Jake Johannsen took us on a whale-watching expedition. When Jake goes cow-watching in Utah, he guarantees you are going to see cows. The same can’t be said when you go whale-watching. And you don’t get seasick from cow watching. You would think spotting a whale would be easy since they are so big. You know what else is big? The Pacific Ocean.
Johannsen will be performing at Wise Guys Comedy Club in West Valley City, Utah on March 7th and 8th. Go see him after you go look at some cows.

And that was our show for Friday, February 28, 2014.

Dang it! With a different guest I would have pitched this joke. Someone like Regis would have been perfect, or maybe Bill O’Reilly or Dr. Phil. Someone Dave likes to poke. Usually when Dave is asking a question, we see a two-shot of Dave and the guest. When the guest answers, we go to a one-shot of just the guest. My idea would be for when the guest is answering. While answering, Dave, off-camera, becomes pre-occupied and starts writing something down. When we widen to see the two of them, Dave eventually apologizes. He is busy doing his Oscar Pool. It would be a call-back from Pat Farmer’s interrupt in the monologue. This could work because the guest wouldn’t have to be in on it and the execution would be simple. It would be a do-able addition explained during a commercial break.
Keep an eye for this during the week leading into the March Madness NCAA Basketball Pool.

Do Leap Year Babies celebrated on the 28th of February or the 1st of March?

My Oscar Picks
Before I get to my picks, who do you think will be the first award winner to claim he or she didn’t prepare anything because they didn’t think they would win. I hate that excuse. If I get a phone call on Sunday night to say I won an Academy Award, yes, I could use that excuse because I wasn’t in a movie and I’m sitting at home. But if you were in a movie and you happened to be nominated, believe it or not there is a chance you just might win. You don’t have an excuse not to be prepared. And if you don’t know what to say, don’t be yourself. Act as if it’s a role and you just won an Academy Award. Ever notice that the worst thing you can tell an actor is, “Just be yourself.”

Another thing to look for . . .
BEST DIRECTOR – I always like to see if the director of the Academy Awards rushes off the winner or if he lets the acceptance speech go on and on for who cares how long. There does seem to be a bit of professional courtesy in this category. Watch for it.

I’m excited about this year’s Academy Awards because of the 9 Best Picture nominations, I saw 6 of them, missing only “Philomena,” “Her,” and “Wolf of Wall Street.” Keep that in mind when I make my picks.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: I’m hoping for June Squibb of “Nebraska” but I think this is a category that usually goes to a newcomer. Unknowns who have toiled for years in the business will get a nomination, but it’s the newcomer who gets the win. BSA – Lupita Nyong-o of “12 Years A Slave”

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Jared Leto of “Dallas Buyers Club” – he made a very pretty woman.

BEST ACTRESS: Cate Blanchett of “Blue Jasmine” – and she actually deserves it. I imagine the Academy is just dying to give it to Dame Judi Dench but since she already won an Oscar, they decided not.

BEST ACTOR: Matthew McConaughey – did you see the weight he had to lose! Wow! That’s award-worthy!

BEST PICTURE: “12 Years A Slave”

DOCUMENTARY SHORT SUBJECT: “The Lady in Number 6: Music Saved My Life”

Show #4000 looks to be set for March 11th. Set your calendar.

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

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