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Tuesday, March 4, 2014 Dave and Michael Keaton celebrate National Pancake Day.
Show #3995
Michael Keaton and Phantogram.
PLUS: Shirtless Vlad; Tony Interrupts; a Message from John Travolta; the Technical Awards; a Top Ten List; and the President of IHOP Mr. Jim Keyes.

" . . . and now, the great Gobi bactrian camel . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE
- "Today is National Pancake Day. If you're taking the day off from work, you're probably the Governor of New Jersey."
- "The Academy Awards on Sunday were their highest rated show in a decade. Sure, everyone wanted to see Adele Dazeem."

Oh, that Vlad. He's poking around Ukraine to shop . . . for a country. Hey, Vladimir, how about Putin on a shirt? We take a look at the shirtless Vladimir Putin montage, accompanied with some Fat Tuesday/New Orleans/Mardi Gras horn-backed jazz.

DAVE: "Do you know that Toronto Mayor Rob Ford? Well, he enjoys smoking crack . . . . "
Tony Cue Cards interrupts: "Dave! Dave! You better stop! That joke expired!" Tony shows the back of the cue card which is stamped, "Tell by November 30, 2103."
Dave: "Oh, darn!"
Tony goes through the next few jokes and each has the same expiration stamp. He stops on a card about a joke about it being the squirrels freezing its nuts in Central Park. Remarks Tony, who obviously has tenure, "That always goes well!" He then turns and winks at the camera.
DAVE: "I believe today is 'National Bring Your Idiot Friend To Work Day.'"

John Travolta made a pretty embarrassing gaffe at the Academy Awards. His butchered the pronunciation of Idina Menzel's name as "Adele Dazeem." He came out with this announcement today.
ANNOUNCE: "John Travolta sincerely apologizes for mispronouncing Idina Menzel's name at the Academy Awards. Furthermore, John humbly wishes not to be remembered for this isolated incident, but instead for his work in iconic films, such as Pulp Fiction, starring Sandpiper L. Jorkpickel, Blufe Wizzle and Emu Thermometer, from the one-and-only Quizno Tarantella. A message from Jerg Tubvaulter."

Days before the Academy Awards you see on TV, they hand out the technical awards at a separate ceremony. We take a look at this year's honorees and their very impressive innovators.
ANNOUNCE: "The honorees at this year's Scientific & Technical Awards include the engineers who designed the Hovercam and Flying-Cam, the inventors of the pneumatic car flipper, and the creator of the animatronic Kim Novak."
Ms. Novak begins to ding and buzz and smoke and sizzle. Her head pops up on a spring. But her face never moved!
ANNOUNCE: "Congratulations to all of our winners!"

ACT 2:
Today is National Pancake Day. Dave's son loves the pancakes. Dave not so much. Dave finds the pancakes as nothing much more than gooey day. Dave is a waffle guy. With pancakes, a secret he learned from his grandfather is you have to butter each pancake, each layer. With waffles, you just put the pat on top and pour on the syrup. There is nothing better than a waffle. As Paul says, it's the perfect food. Dave hopes that pancakes is just a stage Harry is going through. Dave hopes that someday, Harry and Dave can enjoy waffles together.

And since it is National Pancake Day, the booking department made the yeomen effort to get the President of IHOP on our show tonight. Here he is, Mr. Jim Keyes.
Jim Keyes enters. He has one of those faces where you would swear that you had seen him before.
JIM KEYES/PRESIDENT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES: "Thanks, Dave. As the sun sets on another National Pancake Day, I have just one word: Wow! IHOP restaurants around the country gave away over nine billion complimentary pancakes, a new record! Yes, amazing, but I'm here to tell you the excitement is just beginning. Dave came to me and said, 'Jim, I wish every day were National Pancake Day.'"
(Dave adds a bit of a twist tonight by commenting softly under Mr. Keyes' proclamations)
JIM KEYES: "So, for the rest of the month, go into any participating IHOP and say, 'I hop on the pancake bandwagon,' and get a free stack of our original buttermilk pancakes, thanks to that man, right there, David Letterman! Or upgrade to our Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity Combo for a small charge."
DAVE: "Please, don't ever say those words again."
JIM KEYES: "Yes, Dave Letterman is the pancake lover's best friend. Well, folks, I've got to hop. (laughs at his own joke) But, before I go, I just want to wish you and your families a safe and joyous National Pancake Day. See you all at IHOP!"
Mr. Keyes does the clenched hands over his shoulder maneuver, and exits.

I swear I've seen him before.

TOP TEN: THOUGHTS GOING THROUGH THIS REPORTER'S MIND AT THIS MOMENT
We see a clip of reporter Steve Keeley of WTXF-TV Philadelphia reporting on the road conditions following their recent snow storm. During the LIVE report, Keeley is plowed under with snow from a passing by snow plow. I place no blame on the plow guy.

THOUGHTS GOING THROUGH THIS REPORTER'S MIND AT THIS MOMENT
6. "Get my consultant to tell that snowplow driver he's a jerk"
1. "Help me, Winter Jesus!"

ACT 3:
MICHAEL KEATON
Mr. Keaton is starring in the new film, "Need For Speed," based on the best-selling video game. It has nothing to do Red Bull. He loves coming here at the Late Show, though he hasn't been here in 3-and-a-half years. Dave mutters, "Yeah, you must really love being here."
Michael comes from a big family. He's the youngest of 7. The roughhousing that went around was very rough on the house. His brother recently got a hip replacement and the way his brother George tells a story, it sometimes seems like he's run out of words and always goes to fallback. George described his recent hip replacement surgery as the doctor putting some kind of "contraption" in there. Sounds a bit like my dad. When he can't find the word, he'll fall back on "hoodickey," "whatchamacallit," "doodad," and "that thing." Actually, he doesn't say "whatchamacallit" but "whaty-callit" but that's a story for another day. For anesthesia, his bro calls it "knock out juice," as in "gimme some more of that knock out juice." Michael himself had surgery of late for his toe and knee. Coming out of knee surgery, he thinks he heard the doctor, or somebody, say over his body, "Oh, 'djoy'." (to decipher 'djoy', simply look to the left of each letter in 'djoy' on your keyboard) "Oh, 'djoy'" is not what you want to hear on the operating table. Michael immediately asked for more knock out juice.
Dave shows some jealousy when Michael side-comments about fishing in Florida. Keaton has mentioned before his fishing outings with Tom Brokaw and other big shots often includes a "former Secretary of" some federal government department. Dave is always hoping for an invite but none ever seems to be forwarded. Michael appears to try to ease Dave's disappointment, but can't help it when he blurts about the adventures, "It's fantastic!"
Michael talks about his film "Multiplicity" where he worked with the fabulously talented and gifted Harold Ramis; so very funny, brilliant, and truly nice guy. So talented was Harold Ramis that when it looked like he was working, he was actually doing a crossword puzzle. Conversation then turned to "Mr. Mom". Never seen it, but the cast alone makes me want to order it tonight. And we learn the origin of the line, "220, 212, whatever it takes."

Michael Keaton - always liked him ever since "Working Stiffs" (1979) with James Belushi. Holy crap . . . . I just Googled "Working Stiffs." Four episodes aired. That's it? I remember that show 36 years later and they only aired 4 episodes? Here's something I didn't know . . . Paul Reubens was also in "Working Stiffs" (no puns, please). His Pee-Wee Herman character became popular 3 years later.

Michael Keaton: "Need For Speed" - it's in theaters March 14th.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "Be sure to join us tomorrow as Dave welcomes Tom Selleck, Carrie Brownstein, and David Nail. Eco-Friendly Late Show! I'm made from 100% biodegradable materials."

ACT 7:
PHANTOGRAM
From their new album, "Voices," the band from upstate New York performed "The Day You Died."

And that was our show for Tuesday March 04, 2014.

I saw "Son of God." The book is better.

It's fun to see someone baking for the very first time. My daughter Danielle, 18, baked some peanut butter brownies from scratch for a girl on the lacrosse team whose birthday is today. I think every utensil in the house was used. Bowls, spatulas, every ingredient all over the place, the sink overflowing with dishes, and spoons! Had to be 11 spoons in the sink and countertop. She put the pan in the pre-heated over and timed it for 25 minutes. She peeked inside every five minutes. I bit my tongue knowing how she reacts to fatherly advice. She sighs an impatient sigh and says she can't stand waiting. I let loose of my tongues and suggest this would be a great time to catch up on clean-up. It'll make the time go faster. She quickly buried her head on her phone, pretending not to hear.
I know I shouldn't, but I cleaned up. I figured it would be easier than arguing and then having to clean up. I just jumped right to the cleanup stage. Plus, she'll be in college in a few months and I'm told I will miss times like this.

Do you know why college is so expensive? Because parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house for a while.

Is San Francisco 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh leaving to coach the Cleveland Browns? Is a trade in the offering? That's the question being asked last week. It was said that the Cleveland Browns were offering draft picks to the 49ers for their very successful and demanding coach, Jim Harbaugh. The deal was never completed. Sources on the 49ers say it was never an issue. And here is my theory, based on nothing. Harbaugh wants out of San Francisco. He wants more power. He would like to go to Cleveland . . . . but doesn't want to hurt the Browns by making them give away draft picks. Those picks, after all, would be HIS picks if he went to Cleveland. My theory: Harbaugh has quietly informed Cleveland to sit tight, keep their draft picks, and he'll be over in a year or two. This way, Harbaugh will be coming to a better team than if Cleveland had to give away draft picks. In fact, Cleveland may trade away some of this year's picks for more picks in a year or two when Harbaugh is at the helm. And that's my theory, based on nothing.

Ahh, look at that. I just did a Google check. Jim Harbaugh was born in Toledo, Ohio. Hello, Cleveland!

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Mooresville, North Carolina, it's birthday boy and Ramapo High School (NY) alum Vinny Fucci.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike


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