Sign In to CBS
With Social Account
With Email
Don't have an account? Create one for FREE!
Sign Up
Search By Date
M T W Th F
Wednesday, March 5, 2014 Dave's dance party continues with Future Islands.
Show #3996
Tom Selleck, Carrie Brownstein, and David Nail.
PLUS: Understanding the Ukraine crisis; Why the rest of the world hates us; Machines: smarter than humans?; Charts & Graphs; a Top Ten list; what’s with Alan?; let’s sing; and Let’s Dance!!

“ . . . and now, the wickedly talented . . . . . . . David Letterman!”

ACT 1:
The opening announce is muffled. You can’t understand a word Alan said in the opening announce. Dave looks over to Alan and asks if everything is OK with him. We see Alan is gagged, bloodied, and hands tied. He manages an “OK” sign. Dave prefers not pursuing this. I think he’d rather not know. I think it may have something to do with his gambling.

-“It’s the first day of Lent. Let me guess, you people have given up entertainment.”

Hey, let’s dance!
We cut to Monday’s musical performance of Future Islands to see the lead singer dancing. He had a bit of a Marlon Brando look to him.

What’s going on in Ukraine? Does anybody know? Maybe this will help. It’s something we call "Understanding the Ukraine Crisis"
ANNOUNCE: "The current crisis can be traced back to . . .” The screen suddenly goes to static. Vladimir Putin appears.
PUTIN: "There is nothing to understand. Here's all you need to know. Mind your own business!"

And now, “Why The Rest Of The World Hates Us.”
We see an anchorperson at her news desk reporting: "One Missouri candy shop is taking the term Fat Tuesday to a new level, giving away free fudge to obese customers."

You know what? Let’s dance! More from Future Islands.

And now let’s sing! We see Vladimir Putin singing “I Found My Thrill on Blueberry Hill.”

Scientists are so smart, that’s why I’m concerned when they predict by 2040 machines will be smarter than humans. We take a look to see how that is going. ART CARD: MACHINES - SMARTER THAN HUMANS?
We see a robot ascending a flight of stairs. After a few steps, it falls over and tumbles down. (insert “me in college” joke here.)
Graphic: “Not yet, ass-‘gikw’!” (to decipher gikw, simply look to the right of each letter in gikw on your keyboard. Hold it, that spells out “hole”. We can’t say or show “hole” but we can say and show “ass”? Somewhere, somehow, that makes sense.

When in doubt . . . . let’s dance! We get more of Future Islands dancing.

Going into commercial, Alan is still muffled and gagged. He was able to free himself from the gag just in time to announce tonight’s sponsor: Zantac.

ACT 2:
It’s Wednesday night, so you know what that means . . . . time for Charts and Graphs. Dave says we got the idea from USA Today. They love the charts and graphs, people love the charts and graphs, so we jumped on it. Hopefully, people will continue to love the charts and graphs.
-Foreign substances found in Justin Bieber's Urine
33.3% Alcohol
33.3% Marijuana
33.3% Hairspray

-Most regrettable gaffes by a pope
10% Swearing during a weekly blessing
90% Swearing those priests were innocent

-Most common wifi passwords
50% 12345
49% Password
1% BobBalabanFan
Even though the audience was tepid at best, Paul liked that one and explains why. 1% is actually a lot. Bob Balaban should be proud of that. Paul would like to have that many passwords names after him. Dave cuts him off. Dave thanks Paul for the attempt but nothing is going to save that joke.

-Nicknames for the NCAA basketball tournament
64% March Madness
33% The Big Dance
2% Vernal Equinox Psychosis
1% Bouncy Ball Fun Time

-Where do you want these boxes?
20% Right there is fine.
25% I changed my mind, how about over there?
27% Let's try the first place again.
28% Just put it down, I'll do it myself.

-What's the longest relationship you've had?
60% less than 15 years
39% more than 15 years
1% How long have you been asking me questions?

-Favorite occupational nickname for a popular singer
45% Bruce Springsteen, "The Boss"
38% Frank Sinatra, "Chairman of the Board"
17% Tony Bennett, "Senior Vice-President in Charge of Sales and Marketing, East Coast"

-Do you own a pitchfork?
74% No
24% Yes
1% "Glad you asked. I'm the West Coast's largest pitchfork supplier."
1% "You're talking to the East Coast's largest pitchfork supplier."

-Most popular mixed breed dogs
58% The puggle (Pug and poodle? No, Pug and Beagle)
37% The yorkie poo
5% Humperanian

-What do people call the country Russia recently invaded?
58% "Ukraine"
41% "The Ukraine"
1% Adele Dazim

ACT 3:

From the very successful CBS series, “Blue Bloods.” Seems like every show Tom is connected with becomes a big success. Tom thanks Dave, but isn’t quite sure how true that is. His “Magnum” program was his first hit and he was 35 at the time. There were some lean times leading in to that. At 25, he looked 35 but sounded 15. He would be offered one-line parts and was expected to have a deep, strong voice. In one of his first films, “Terminal Island,” Tom played misunderstood mercy-killer Dr. Norman Milford. Tom had to go in after the shoot to revoice some of his lines. The director told Tom that he would never make it in this business unless he changed his voice. That was quite traumatic to Tom.
(note – If I changed my voice, I would never get another voice-over job. I once tried to do a voiceover for the show like a professional and they stopped my cold. They told me if they wanted a professional, they would hire a professional. “Keep the McIntee” they told me.)
To this day, whenever Tom goes in the booth to do voiceover work, he always hears a voice telling him, “Tom, you’re not good enough.”
Is it true Tom was the first choice for Indiana Jones? Yes, it is. Tom says the story is out there, but it’s not quite 100% true the way it is told. Some believe Tom turned down the role. Not true. He was offered the part, but Tom was just hired to play “Magnum” at the time. The director of “Indiana Jones,” Steven Spielberg, told Tom not to worry about it, that Spielberg could get Tom the time to do the film. But the network . . . CBS . . . dragged their feet and was difficult in letting Tom go. Spielberg eventually had to go elsewhere and found Harrison Ford. So Tom went down to Hawaii to start “Magnum.” Unfortunately, there was a writers strike at the time. No shooting, but Tom was already in Hawaii and couldn’t quite afford his stay. He started working for the landlord as a handyman. Ouch. And to make matters worse, who comes to Hawaii to finish shooting a film? “Raiders of the Lost Ark.” Double ouch. So, no, Tom did not turn down the role of Indiana Jones. Steven Spielberg felt bad for Tom and thought it should have worked out somehow. Spielberg promised Tom a part in a future film. But 30 years later . . . . . still nothing.

“Blue Bloods” – it’s a top ten show on the difficult television night of Friday. See it at 10:00 PM on the CBS.

Before saying goodnight, Dave asks Tom if he ever thinks about retiring. Uh oh! Before Dave got married, he would always ask guests about marriage. I hope I’m reading too much into that question to Tom.

ACT 4:
– Radio Shack lost $400 million last year and is now forced to close down 1,100 stores.

10. Three-prong to two-prong to three-prong converter
6. “Radio Shack Blows” t-shirts
3. Travolta-to-English Electronic Translator
2. Male-to-Male plug adapters (not available in Arizona)

Tonight’s inductees into the Backstage PhotoClub: assistant to Rob Burnett, Randi Fisch and Neal Fessler

Randi Fisch, assistant to Rob Burnett, and corporate assistant Neal Fessler. Neal often gets the worst of me. ‘Tis he I call when the copier breaks down. I’ve come to terms with the copier not working. I half-expect it. It’s those times when I let my guard down, when I forget how temperamental the copier can be. It’s when I don’t expect it to break down, and then it does, is when I grab the phone and plead with Neal to get some help. I must admit, I really am a baby when that machine breaks down.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: “Make it back here tomorrow to catch Dave with Tom Brokaw, 2014 grocery bagging champion Andrew Hadlock, and Bob Mould. I had a great time today playing Candy Crush. Sorry about the mess, Walgreens.”

ACT 6:
You know what? Let’s dance! We see some more of Future Islands and the dancing machine.

I “Played The Carrie” and hoped she would dance out like the Future Islands guy when introduced. BUZZ.
Dave is a big fan of Carrie Brownstein’s “Portlandia.” Dave isn’t sure where to find the 4th season. Dave’s been waiting and waiting for new episodes, but he’s learned that they are out there. But where?
Dave has spoken to some Portlanders and they all seem to love the show. They approve of how Portland is portrayed. The show is pretty much how life is in Portland. Could a show like this work if it was shot in Scottsdale, Arizona? Carrie thinks every city, no matter how big or small, has some pockets of weirdness to be found. Dave loves the great silliness, the barely plausible, and very funny writing on the show. I’ve yet to see the show, but it’s on my list. I think I would like the quirk.
“Portlandia” – you can see it on the IFC channel, 10:00 PM on Thursdays. Ooh, I think I’ll watch tomorrow night.

ACT 7:

From his CD, “I’m A Fire,” the Grammy Award-winning David Nail performed “Whatever She’s Got.”

And that was our show for Wednesday, March 5, 2014.

I can only imagine that all his life, David Nail dreamed of the day he would hear his name in the opening announce of the Late Show.

The pain on the bottom of my heels has reached the “I’m a bit concerned” level.

TOP TEN: ITEMS SOLD AT RADIO SHACK – I had a minute so I scribbled off some items just in case needed at the last minute.
-Replacement beads for your abacus
-Flint to make fire
-A hearing trumpet
-A charger for your beeper
-The i-Pan
-Bags of sand for your hourglass

The dancing by the lead singer in Future Islands may not quite be my cup of tea, but I like how he committed to it. And the song, “Seasons (Waiting On You)” is pretty catchy. The CD may get a full turn on my turntable.

Good luck to my daughters Dominique and Danielle who are up in Rochester, New York for a few days taking part in the New York State High School DECA competition. My girls are in the Advertising Campaign portion of the conference. I have a great idea for them. I hope it’s not too late. My girls should suggest to DECA that they could better advertise themselves by putting what DECA stands for on their website. I know the purpose of DECA is to prepare our emerging leaders and entrepreneurs for the business world, but D E C A . . . . what does it stand for? I can’t find it on the DECA website.
And they will be judging high school students in advertising?
Ahh, there it is. I found it on wiki.
DECA - Distributive Education Clubs of America - an international association of high school and college students and teachers of marketing, management and entrepreneurship in business, finance, hospitality, and marketing sales and service

From the February 04, 2014 Wahoo Gazette:
This won’t make me a lot of friends around here, but I want to get this out now so it’s on the record: This year’s March Madness will find for the very first time a #1 seed losing to a #16 seed. And the #1 team to lose will be . . . . . the currently undefeated Syracuse Orangemen

The Orangemen were 22-0 at the time I wrote this and #1 in the nation. They’ve been 4-3 since. Damn. I knew they weren’t that good. Now everyone knows. They won’t be a #1 seed in the tournament, so if a 16 beats a #1, it won’t be Syracuse they beat.

From Chatsworth, California, it’s Stu Shostak
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
Twitter: @WahooMike

Wahoo Gazette Archive

Monday, May 18
Hovering! with Tom Hanks
Saturday, May 16
Oprah and Dave indulge in a selfie.
Thursday, May 14
Tom Waits, Dave and what's-his-name.
Wednesday, May 13
Julia and Dave squeeze in one last hug.
Tuesday, May 12
Adam Sandler performs a musical ode to Dave.