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Thursday, March 6, 2014 It's Letterman vs Hadlock in the battle of the baggers.
Show #3997
Tom Brokaw, 2014 Grocery Bagging Champion Andrew Hadlock, and Bob Mould.
PLUS: A SKYPER; a Chuckling Putin; Steven Seagal Chimes In; an Update on the IHOP Offer; and a Top Ten List.

" . . . and now, department store constable . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
- "Vladimir Putin was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. To celebrate, he rounded up a bunch of gays."
Vladimir gets a kick out of this joke and giggles a chuckle. He does so throughout the monologue. We should sit him under one of the house mics.

What's that? Another Skype? Dave got one of these last week. It's from a guy named Tom Drucker. Might as well answer it.
DAVE: "Hello? I'm Dave. What do you . . . hello?"
DRUCKER: "This is a test. Dale and Eric are working together . . . . to make a video that we can . . . send by e-mail. We're just making a short test, so we're over and out." Drucker continues to SKYPE, but it looks like he's a first-timer at this. And then he's gone. Mark this test down as a success.

What's the deal with Putin and Ukraine? Dave goes right to the top to find an explanation . . . Steven Seagal. We see Mr. Seagal. Between explanations, he snorts. Or maybe he offers explanations between snorts." It is cold and flu season, you know.

ACT 2:
Dave is giddy with glee. Tuesday was National Pancake Day. We invited the President of IHOP, Mr. Jim Keyes, here to the show and he made this promise. Go to an IHOP all this month and say, "I hop on the pancake bandwagon" and you can get free pancakes! And the thanks go to that man, Mr. Dave Letterman! Well, a spokesperson for IHOP called the Late Show today to inform us that there have been hundreds of incidents of people sitting down for pancakes, eating 'em up, and then saying, "I hop on the pancake bandwagon." They then show the waitress the clip on their iPhone for free pancakes. Naturally, the waitress has no idea what the person is talking about. Problems ensued. But Dave is now proud to say that IHOP has picked up the bill for the pancakes.
You may recognize Mr. Jim Keyes, the President of IHOP. He's been here as the CEO of 7/11. And the CEO of Exxon Mobil, and Shell Oil, and Blockbuster, as the Director of Mayan Public Relations, and Carnival Cruises, and Time Warner Cable. But it was just a little skit. Dave repeats the gesture made by IHOP: "IHOP gave away free pancakes!"

I remember my first IHOP visit. I was on vacation with my aunt and uncle on a drive to Canada. We stopped for pancakes at the IHOP. I had apple stuffed pancakes. I have a hankering for some apple-stuffed pancakes now. My visit to the IHOP was probably 50 years ago.

4. The guy in karate class who refuses to bring it down a notch.
3. The guy who slices and eats food with a pocket knife.
2. The personal trainer who can get you steroids.

I wasn't sure what to put on the Top Ten informational blue card, so I simply listed Vladimir's stats:
Age; 61
Height: 5'5"
Weight: 165
Eyes: blue
Hair: balding
Build: Athletic
Sign: Libra

I found all the above information on the internets, except for one. I guessed on . . . . the weight.
Now you know the rest of the story.

ACT 3:
ANDREW HADLOCK - the 2014 National Grocery Bagging Champion from Macey's Grocery Store in Sandy, Utah. The tall lad from Utah enters and gives Dave a firm handshake. The producer told me that Andrew has a large set of mitts. He's got big hands. I immediately thought that is a great advantage when competing in a grocery bagging competition. You can probably pick up three cans of Campbell's Tomato with one hand. Dave enjoys when the grocery bagging champion visits the show because it gives him the opportunity to brag a bit. Dave reminds us that his first job was that of a grocery bagger, and nobody was faster. He would bag 2 bags at once. Kids today wouldn't dream of doing that. And then Dave would bring the bags out to the car, usually without gratuity. Some things always stay with you. How did Andrew get involved in the competition? He says his home store, Macey's Grocery, had a competition. He was unsure whether to participate but when he saw they were offering free doughnuts, he went. He won at Macey's and then at the national event in Las Vegas. I think the Nationals are held in Vegas because that's where you find the biggest betting. Andrew won there and earned him $10,000. What does he plan on doing with the $10,000? Oh, darn . . . he's going to do the mature thing and put it towards college. He's hoping to graduate without debt. But what about a Ford Mustang? Doesn't Andrew want a Ford Mustang? Kids today . . . I don't understand them.
The competition is about to start. Biff enters with a starting pistol which scares the bejeebers out of Dave. The next time you see Dave and you notice he doesn't have any bejeebers, you'll know why. Biff gives the "GO" signal by yelling "go" and Dave and Andrew quickly get to loading their sacks. Did you notice what I noticed? Did you see how Dave opened his grocery bags? Yup, it was the Double Eagle! The Double Eagle . . . . . . opening two bags at once like an eagle flapping its wings. The competition is close, but Andrew wins by a half-second as he punches the bell just before Dave. Luckily, unlike Major League Baseball, the replay rule is not in effect. If it was, I think Dave would have been disqualified for dropping some of the grocery items on the floor behind him.

And that is our 2014 Grocery Bagging Champion, Andrew Hadlock. Congratulations, Andrew. Seems like a real gentleman.

ACT 4:
I asked early in the day if Tom ever worked in a grocery store. If he did, I suggested we bring out Tom in the ACT 3 and ACT 4, and then keep him out for the ACT 6 to participate in a 3-man bagging competition with Dave and the kid. Never heard back.
Tom was diagnosed with myeloma a few months ago, a cancer affecting blood cells in the bone marrow. It just became public a week or so ago. Tom wishes to keep the matter private, but all seems to be going in the right direction towards recovery.
What's the deal with Putin and Russia and Ukraine and the Crimea peninsula? One day Putin and Russia are enjoying all the positive attention they are receiving over the winter Olympics, and the next thing you know they are invading the Crimean Peninsula. Mr. Brokaw says Putin has a burning desire to restore Russia to its former glory and rightful place at the top of the international pyramid. Putin feels the destruction of the USSR was one of the great political tragedies of the 20th century. Putin is tremendously ambitious in this quest.
What's new on the Weed front? It's now legal in Colorado and Washington. Are the people who used to sell it on the street corner still selling it on the corner or have they gone legit, or out of business? There will always be another drug that is illegal so they will probably always be in business. Plus, I don't think they charge tax. I don't know, but you could probably get it cheaper with the guy at the corner. Is marijuana a gateway drug to stronger, more dangerous drugs? Me . . . I don't think so. I think it is . . . was . . . a gateway into illegal and criminal surroundings. It exposes you to other criminal activities you would otherwise not be aware of. Medical marijuana shops are flourishing in California and elsewhere. Tom recently was in a doctor's office and one of the questions asked him was if he used marijuana and if he was interested in marijuana for medical use. He said no. Tom asked if many people say yes. The doctor said, "About 80%."
Is driving under the influence of alcohol worse than driving under the influence of marijuana? Tom says driving while texting may be the worst of all.
Congratulations to Tom for being awarded the Jefferson Award for the lifetime achievement in public service. We see Tom with Yankee great Mariano Rivera. Tom readily admits that when you're in a room that includes Mariano Rivera, you're really not in the room.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "Settle in with us again tomorrow as Dave welcomes Mary-Louise Parker, comedian Lenny Marcus, and Joan Jett and the Blackhearts. Coming up, our financial experts tackle the question: are the undead subject to the estate tax?"

ACT 7:
Celebrating the 25th Anniversary of his heralded debut solo album, from the special reissue, "Workbook 25," Bob Mould performed, ""See A Little Light"

And that was our show for Thursday March 06, 2014.

New York City is cracking down on double parking . . . because they are out a lot of money from the cancelation of all those alternate side of the street parking days. No summonses could be given. They have to make it back somehow. But I'm all for the double parking crackdown, especially on the Avenues. If you plan on breaking a law, don't inconvenience me. If you have to double park, turn onto a street and do it there. Oh, and the fine should be doubled if you double park within 30 feet on an intersection. That's what I would do if I ruled the world.

I'm not exactly sure when Chris Christie's henchmen closed down those lanes on the George Washington Bridge in September, but I wouldn't be surprised if it was September 10th, 2013. I griped about the Bridge traffic in the Wahoo that day.

Dang it. I see that the unshaven look is hip to the hipsters. They like the "Oh, I don't think I'll shave today or the next few days. I'm hip." Now that it's hip not to shave . . . .now I HAVE to shave. I can't think of anything worse than trying to look hip. In college, I used to like to smoke cigars in my Bermuda shorts. And then the yuppies stole it. Now I don't wear Bermudas and if I smoke a cigar, I hide it. And I used to like to drink Pabst Blue Ribbon because the label was so great, and now everyone drinks it, so now I don't.

Sacrilegious? Not really, but going to see "The Book of Mormon" on Ash Wednesday might be. Very funny. I had quite a few laughs and I tend not to be a laugher. Got Denise tickets for Christmas. And we went on Ash Wednesday! See what I did there? I made a Christmas present double as an Ash Wednesday present. Great idea, right, guys?
I left wondering what Mormons thought of the play. What I got out of it is religion is there to give us hope. Doesn't really matter how that is done. But how it's done is what separates the religions.

Be like Alan Page . . . he has the Wahoo Gazette as his bookmarked Late Show site.

It's her birthday today, Ramapo Senior High School (NY) alum, from New City, New York, it's Vicki Rosenberg.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
Twitter: @WahooMike

Wahoo Gazette Archive

Monday, May 18
Hovering! with Tom Hanks
Saturday, May 16
Oprah and Dave indulge in a selfie.
Thursday, May 14
Tom Waits, Dave and what's-his-name.
Wednesday, May 13
Julia and Dave squeeze in one last hug.
Tuesday, May 12
Adam Sandler performs a musical ode to Dave.