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Monday, March 10, 2014 Dave gets stuck in the middle of "The Bachelor" finale.
Show #3999
Senator John McCain, Erin Andrews, and Little Mix.
PLUS: Crisis Update; another SKYPE call; a promo for “The Bachelor”; how to pronounce “Boehner”; CPAC Straw Polls Throughout the Years; and a Top Ten list.

“ . . . and now, singlehandedly bringing back the monocle . . . . . . . . David Letterman!”

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE

-“Kim Jong-Un won the recent election in North Korea with 100% of the vote. He thinks he’ll do better once the absentee ballots are counted.”
-“Michelle Obama is going blonde, having added highlights. So far, those are the only highlights of the second term.”

Yikes. Every day there seems to be another crisis in the world. To keep us up to date, we take a look at the Late Show “Crisis Update.”
ART CARD: CRISIS UPDATE
GRAPHIC: MAP OF EUROPE, ZEROING IN ON RUSSIA/UKRAINE/SURROUNDING COUNTRIES
ANNOUNCE: “"Early this morning while Russia was distracted with Ukraine, Belarus and Latvia took the opportunity to quietly slip away."
We see Latvia and Belarus slip away off the map. Shhhh.

What’s this? Oh, it’s another SKYPE call. This one is from Richard Lowe.
We see his full-face up close to his monitor. Dave greets him.
RICHARD: "Happy Valentine's Day!" Richard throws Dave a kiss.
DAVE: “Thanks, Rick, but Valentine’s Day was a couple weeks ago.”
RICHARD: "I love you."
DAVE: “Uhhh, thanks. I love you, too. And . . . . who are you?”
RICHARD: "Oh, my Sandra!" Richard throws mucho kisses to Sandra. He really knows how to win a woman’s heart.
Dave, hiding his disappointment, realizes the SKYPE isn’t for him.
RICHARD: "I love you, I love you, I love you! Happy Valentine's Day. I love you, I love you, I love you forever!"
The connection is soon lost. Hope Sandra got the message. I was proud that Dave commented on what I was most interested in . . . the huge jug of cheeseballs in the background. Now that’s the way to my heart!

Interrupt: Graphic and promo for the hit show, “The Bachelor.” Unfortunately, it’s airs on another network.
ANNOUNCE: "Don't miss the exciting live finale of ‘The Bachelor,’ Monday at 8." Dave tries to talk over the promo, advising the announcer, and us, that the show was on over 3 hours ago.
ANNOUNCE: "Will Juan Pablo pick Clare, the smoldering California hairstylist, or Nikki, the sizzling Midwestern nurse?"
Dave is growing weary of the unexplained promo, especially since the show is already over and none of this makes a difference.
ANNOUNCE: "What will runners-up Andi, Renee and Chelsie have to say about his choice? Find out tonight. Only on ABC!"
GRAPHIC: ARSENIO
ANNOUNCE: "We now return to ‘Arsenio,’ already in progress."

Wondering how to pronounce the name of the Speaker of the House, Mr. John Boehner? Well, let him tell you. We see the SotH in this video/audio loop: BOEHNER: "It's Boner. Boner. Boner. Boner. Boner. Boner. Boner. Boner. Boner. Boner. Boner. Boner."
Dave blames his son for that joke.

The CPAC Straw Poll was held over the weekend. It’s been a strong predictor for presidential elections through the years. We take a look.
GRAPHIC: CPAC STRAW POLL WINNERS THROUGHT THE YEARS FOOTAGE AND CHYRON:
-President George W. Bush (in a stumble)
-Senator Phil Gramm
-Steve Forbes – Editor-in-Chief of Forbes Magazine
-Mayor Rudolph Giuliani (dressed as Dame Edna)
-Gary Bauer (president of The Family Research Council, flipping a pancake and falling off the stage)
GRAPHIC: CPAC STRAW POLL WINNERS THROUGHT THE YEARS

ACT 2:
On what body of water does Green Bay lie? I guess it obvious . . . Green Bay.

TOP TEN: Questions Justin Bieber Would Answer "I Don't Know"
- on a much too wordy Top Ten info card, Dave reads the story behind tonight’s topic. In a 4-hour deposition, the smug and unrepentant Justin Bieber answered “I don’t recall” and “I don’t know” to many questions, including “Have you ever been to Australia?”
TOP TEN: Questions Justin Bieber Would Answer "I Don't Know”
10. "Should I call you Justin or Bizzle?"
9. "What the hell does 'Bizzle' mean?"
8. "Does someone need a timeout?"
4. "Who is Adele Dazeem?"
3. "You call that a haircut?"
2. "Will you forgive Letterman for grabbing your tattoo?" (video of Dave grabbing Justin's arm)
1. "How do you walk through a revolving door?" – vt.

SENATOR JOHN MCCAIN
Dave greets the American hero and exclaims he looks great and hasn’t changed a bit in all the years he’s come to the Late Show. Senator McCain thanks Dave, then adds, “You look a lot older.” Zing! I guess he doesn’t need Dave’s vote.

Dave and the good Senator chat about the astonishing recent election in North Korea. McCain was up all night waiting for the results.
Remember eight years ago when it was thought that McCain would be too old to be President? Well, his mother is 102. Good genes in the McCain family. He shares a story. The approval rating of Congress is at 12%, down to the support of blood relatives and paid staffers. He got a call from his mother recently. McCain: “We’re now down to paid staff.”

Dave asks about Sarah Palin. Dave relives the humiliating position he found himself with Ms. Palin and her family which couldn’t Dave get out of. Dave recalls expressing a very heartfelt apology on the show to the Palin family and then right at the end, referred to the daughter by the wrong name. Dave then had to redo the entire apology. Do I remember that? Oh, yeah, I remember that.

Where is the Malaysian airliner? Does the Senator know anything? He admits to knowing nothing about it. He probably knows just as much as we do.
Speculate? Sure. There are some terrible people out there who are capable of doing some pretty terrible things. Is that what happened in this case? Don’t know.
Syria? Putin? McCain says we have to help the citizens of Syria. What is happening there is horrible; crimes against humanity, inhumane treatment. We have to do something, but that does not mean a military response.

The Ukraine. The people of Ukraine see what Europe has and sees what Russia has. They want what Europe has, not what Russia has. Putin is an old KGB dude and he wants to restore the USSR empire, and regaining Ukraine is very important in this pursuit. In order to deal with him, we have to understand what he is. He’s not a good man, a megalomaniac, and his goals are quite dangerous. He wants to expand his empire and will not let anything get in his way.
How is the Republican Party doing? McCain: “As united as always!” There is much debate within the Party as to the role of government. Is McCain considering another run for Senator? He says he is seriously thinking about it. He still loves the political arena, which is quite a statement since he’s been at it, in his words, “since the Coolidge Administration.”

Dave thanks the Senator for all he’s done and fighting the good fight. And as so many politicians do, McCain starts to get up to leave before we go to commercial. We actually have a montage of politicians getting up to leave at the end of the interview. Why is it usually politicians? Not sure why, but it’s fun to speculate.

ACT 4:
ERIN ANDREWS

She’s a reporter for FOX Sports and is the new co-host for “Dancing With The Stars.” How does a female get involved in sports? Why the interest in this man’s game? Erin says her New England father is a huge sports and he introduced her to the Celtics and Red Sox at a very young age. She became interested in sports and the stories behind the game. She had an unquenchable thirst to learn about the players and the game.
Erin was the sideline reporter for the Super Bowl . . .on the Broncos sideline. Ouch! What was that like being there right in the middle of a team’s slow but immediate demise of the team against the Seahawks. She says Peyton’s demeanor changed very little during the game. Sure, he was disappointed, but he kept coming back to the sideline to study photos and going over notes to try to figure out what was going wrong. He remained calm, focused, business-like but obviously disappointed and angry.

Gary Sherman? He’s the Seattle Seahawks safety who made a game-saving play against the 49ers to lead his team into the Super Bowl. He barked some self-congratulatory comments quite loudly moments following the game which turned off some people. Dave says he understood his hyped-up, adrenaline-filled response, as does Erin. And then he comes to New York for the Super Bowl and is chastised for NOT being outrageous. He behaved like a perfect gentleman. I think the media was upset because he did not provide them with a story. His non-story behavior made them work harder to find something to report.

“Dancing With The Stars” – the former participant is now a co-host! Find it on the ABC, Monday nights at 8:00 PM.

ACT 5;
ANNOUNCE: “Hope to see you again tomorrow when Dave welcomes Jason Bateman, from ‘Divergent’ Miles Teller, and Gary Allan. Please alert your cable provider if you have any television allergies.”

ACT 7:
LITTLE MIX:

From their new CD, “Salute”, the winners of the U.K. talent show, “The X-Factor,” Little Mix performed “Move.”

And that was our show for Monday, March 10, 2014.

It’s the beginning of the St. Patrick’s Day celebrations. The family attended a get-together at the sister-in-law’s for some corned beef and cabbage. This gave me the opportunity to back up some of my soda bread. After years of futility, I stumbled on a recipe that can’t be beat. You can actually eat my soda bread without the need of butter. How many soda breads can you say that about? And for the 2nd year, I concocted my homemade Bailey’s Irish Cream. Just as good as the store-bought. And this year I attempted to bake up some scones with dried cherries. Well, two out of three aint’ bad. There was either too much of something or not enough of something, or maybe both. Maybe it did its job because one bite out of my scone and I was reaching for a beer. It was the only way to wash it down. I’ve never had a scone so maybe that’s the way it’s supposed to taste. I’ll have to find a good one to set a goal. Next I’ll be looking for an Irish side dish to create as an alternative to the familiar corned beef/cabbage/carrots/beans fare.

Joe Prendergast --- best of luck in the Air Force.

Instead of imbibing to excess this St. Patrick’s Day, something I’ve been known to do in the long ago past, and then again last year (dang it) . . . I will spend this St. Patrick’s Day learning the history of Ireland. Might as well make it a productive day.

“Dancing With The Stars” – I don’t watch, but my wife and girls do. I would probably watch if I knew there would be a “Joe Frazier in the swimming pool”-like moment as he had in “The Superstars” (1973)

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
It’s Boston University graduate, from Great Neck, New York, it’s Dale Alexander Collins
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

Tonight's Guests

Jason Bateman
Billy Eichner
Ryan Adams

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