Jason Bateman, Miles Teller, and Gary Allan.
PLUS: "SWAT Kitty"; the finale of "The Bachelor"; Mayor De Blasio; a message from the President; a Top Ten List; and eKalter.com.
" . . . and now, like the ocean's tide . . . . . . . . . David Letterman!"
- "Nice day today . . . 55 and not that cool. You know, like Kenny G."
- "In North Korea, Kim Jong-Un was re-elected with 100% of the vote, though they're still counting ballots in Dade County." At first I was excited to hear this 54-year-old reference, but now I realize it's from the GWBush/Al Gore 2000 election. I was thinking of Cook County in Illinois, 1960, Nixon/Kennedy.
Did you hear about this? A couple and their baby in Portland, Oregon were chased into their bedroom when their crazed cat attacked them. The father takes partial blame for the aggressive behavior of the cat after he gave it a swift kick in the ass. This isn't the first time a cat attacked a family and forcing them to call 911. We take a look at this from our archives.
We see a police officer finally able to take a free moment to enjoy a coffee in his squad car. A call comes over the radio:
DISPATCHER: "We have a 10-36 in progress, requiring immediate assistance."
OFFICER, TO HIS PARTNER: "Come on. That's us!"
Cut to his partner. It's a cat in a SWAT jacket. It "Meows" in the affirmative.
They speed off to the 10-36.
ANNOUNCE: "SWAT Kitty. Coming this fall to CBS."
The cop? Yup, that was me.
Did you watch the season finale of "The Bachelor" last night? Yeah, me neither, but pretend you did to make this joke work. Juan Pablo picked Nikki, bought a ring, but refused to propose to her. This is what Dave saw on the television today.
ANNOUNCE: "After watching Juan Pablo express his feelings to Nikki during 'The Bachelor' season finale..."
JUAN PABLO (to Nikki - clip) "I'm not 100% sure that I want to propose to you, but at the same time I'm 100% sure that I don't want to let you go. I like you a lot. A lot!"
Zales graphic flies in.
ANNOUNCE: "Zales introduces a new product: The I'm Not 100 Percent Sure That I Want To Propose To You, But at the Same Time I'm a Hundred Percent Sure That I
Don't Want To Let You Go. I Like You a Lot. A Lot Ring. Only available at Zales. From Your Heart to Her Finger."
Disclaimer at bottom of screen: ".05 carat diamond set in silver alloy band"
I think what Juan Pablo is saying is he wants to keep having sex with Nikki but without all that engagement and wedding plans nonsense.
Back from the clip, we see a well-dressed gentleman enter pretending to be New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio.
DAVE: "Oh, hi. Can I help you?"
De BLASIO: "Yes, you may, indeed. I'm Bill de Blasio, the Mayor of New York City."
DAVE: "Wow! So nice to finally meet you, Mr. Mayor. What can I do for you?"
De BLASIO: "Well, thanks to all this wonderful audience and all your listeners, congratulations on your 100th show, and I'm pleased to present you with this voucher for free access to the City Hall gym for the rest of the month."
DAVE: "That's great! Thank you. That's very generous!"
De BLASIO: (turning to Paul Shaffer) "And now, say hello to Paul Shaffer."
Paul and the band begin to play.
DAVE: "No no no . . . no no no no . . . . no no no no. I say that. Not you. I say that. Please don't do that."
De BLASIO: "Sorry. . . . . Well, congratulations, Dave. (to the audience) "And come to New York City, where the parking's always free! Goodnight, everybody!"
(Shakes hands with Dave - Paparazzo jumps in to take a photo)
DAVE: "Now get out of here!"
Michael Obama has put some blonde highlights into her hair. It may be the only highlights in the Obama second term. But she's not the only one adding highlights. We take a look at Speaker of the House John Boehner. "Orange" you glad I didn't say boner?
Yes, it's our 4,000th episode tonight and a bit earlier in the day we received this congratulatory video message from the President of the United States of America, Barack H. Obama. We take a look-see.
INTRODUCTORY ANNOUNCE: "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States."
OBAMA: "Hello, everybody, and all of you at . . . Late Show with David Letterman. Congratulations on . . . your 4,000th show. From that first broadcast during World War II, and ever since . . . . Late Show with David Letterman . . . has been the voice of freedom."
The President is a busy man. I'm surprised he found the time during his fund raising to send out that message.
It's our 4,000th show tonight. It couldn't be possible without Dave, naturally, but also for the hard work and dedication of the show's staff and crew. Tonight's Top Ten is presented by 10 longtime Late Show staffers.
TOP TEN: THOUGHTS I'VE HAD 4,000 TIMES.
10. Supervising Producer Kathy Mavrikakis: "Another Top Ten list? Really?"
9. Writer Jill Goodwin: "Maybe today I'll get to meet Dave."
8. Head of the Prop Department Pat Farmer: "He's coming--hide!"
7. Creative Director, Digital Media Walter Kim: "Any openings at Wheel of Fortune?"
6. Supervising Producer Sheila Rogers: "What is Dave sobbing about now?"
5. Cue Card Boy Tony Mendez: "Someday I'll be holding cue cards in front of the camera."
4. Stage Manager Biff Henderson: "What is this headset for?"
3. Head Carpenter Harold Larkin: "That balcony ain't gonna hold up much longer."
2. Costume Designer Sue Hum: "Stop fussing with your tie, jackass."
1. Musical Director Paul Shaffer: "I should have never left Canada."
He's the director and star of the new film, "Bad Words." He admits the R-rated film is not for everybody, which usually means it's for me.
Jason is in the process of buying and remodeling a home in L.A. His neighbors aren't too keen on the construction. At first they were fine, but not anymore. The renting neighbors are an aging rock band who usually play at local hotels. They work at night; sleep during the day. The rockers have resorted to spraying the workers with a garden hose, taking down the construction sign in front of the house, and crazy gluing the lock on the fence. Yeah, baby, hell-raisers! Rock and Roll!!!!!!! Says Dave, "That hose over the fence is a Justin Bieber move." Let me guess. . . . they still have mullets?
Jason admits to doing a very cheesy Hollywood thing He tweeted how much he loves the show, "Tree House Masters." He gushed his love, but his motive was maybe to get asked to be on the show and maybe get a free treehouse out of it. Dave is very familiar with the show and has built a treehouse of his own. He had one as a boy and recalls very happy times. In his new treehouse, he and Harry spent a night to christen the abode. Unfortunately, that night was the absolute worst electric storm in memory. Lightning flashed inches from the treehouse. Dave decided to weather the storm with his son. He now admits it may have been the dumbest thing he's ever done.
But it's a typical thing any day would do.
Jason Bateman - "Bad Words" opens this Friday in selected cities. And you can possibly see him in an upcoming episode of "TreeHouse Masters" on the Animal Planet channel.
We had some free time tonight and, unfortunately, our announcer Alan Kalter asked if he could say a few words.
ALAN: "Thank you, Gomer. Having trouble finding that special someone? Are you a lady? Then you need to check out eKalter.com . . . . (sexy sax) . . . the Internet's #7 dating site, exclusively for women. Whether you're looking for true love, or just a romantic, one-night encounter, eKalter.com has a man that will suit every one of your desires. There's Wayne, for example (photo of Alan as a cowboy), a cattle rancher who loves nothing more than ridind, roping and rubbing your feet after a long day's work. And here's Mitch (Alan is a rough biker's outfit), a bad boy who will take you for more than just a ride on his Harley. Then there's Giuseppe (Alan as a Venice gondolier skipper), a gondolier whose Tower of Piza leans slightly to the left."
DAVE: (finally disgusted, or maybe he just finished his coffee): "OK, Alan, that's enough. Those are making us all . . .
ALAN: "Hey! Hey! Hold on. One more thing. If you're a lady . . . who is into ladies . . . there's lovely Carla" (photo of Alan dressed as former Secretary of the Interior Gale Norton, I think)
DAVE: "Alan! Please! Alright, enough. Thanks, very much. Thank you for making us sick!"
ANNOUNCE: "Dial us up again tomorrow as Dave welcomes Sylvester Stallone, from 'Divergent' Theo James, and Ledisi. Hey, Panama! Nice isthmus."
He's in the highly-anticipated film, "Divergent." It's a post-apocalyptic film that takes place in Chicago 100 years from now. The Cubs have still not won the World Series. Miles explains the premise of the film, something about society being broken down into 5 factions and the system being corrupted and high school stuff. Sounds something like that huge blockbuster movie from last year that all the teens are crazy about, "Teen Wars" or something like that. "Hunger Games"!!
Miles if from Citrus County, Florida, the manatee capital of the world. Manatees are all over the place, though Miles doesn't know much about them. He pretends to, but any follow-up question reveals he is not quite in the know. He throws out, "The manatee . . . the sea cow" hoping that would be enough. No dice. Dave tends to ask questions until you say "I don't know."
Miles Teller - "Divergent" - the kids are already lining up. It opens March 21st.
And he's going to be a superhero in "The Fantastic Four." Not everybody is happy with the choice. But Miles has the right attitude: "Who cares?"
From his most recent CD, "Set You Free," the Academy of Country Music Awards' nomination for "Song of the Year" performed "It Ain't The Whiskey"
And that was our show for Tuesday March 11, 2014.
My idea for Show 4,000 - we rip off Conan's "In The Year 2000" and do the same bit, entitled, "In The Show 4000".
I had some time during the day so I scribbled off some possible Top Tens in case needed.
TOP TEN THOUGHTS I'VE HAD 4,000 TIMES.
- Every day he looks more and more like Buddy Ebsen
- I swear, tonight I quit
- He smells of mothballs
- I hope Les Moonves isn't watching
- I hope my family isn't watching
- Thank God nobody is watching
- Dave should ease up on the Aqua Velva
- Dave, you called me 'Larry.' Good one.
- If I killed him 20 years ago, I'd be out of prison by now
Why wasn't I one of the staffers in tonight's Top Ten? Well, when they didn't ask me, I refused.
Me and the Cat in the "SWAT Kitty" piece . . . . Did you notice Roseland in the background? The old look of the building should have told you the clip was many years old. How old? From APRIL 29, 2005. Let's see how I reported that 9 years ago, which will take up some space:
"LATE SHOW WEEK IN REVIEW
#5. The Mesa, Arizona Police Department will soon be training a monkey to be on their S.W.A.T. team. It's an interesting idea, but I think they might be getting carried away. We see a clip of what Dave is talking about. We find a police officer sitting in his squad car doing what cops usually do . . . he's enjoying a cup of black coffee. A call comes over his radio: "Calling all cars. Calling all cars. All available units respond to a 10-36 in progress." The police officer quickly puts down his cup of Jo and looks over to his partner and says, "Come on, let's go. That's us!" Cut to see the officer's partner is a kitty cat in a S.W.A.T. vest. Cop and cat drive away with lights and siren.
The audience response to their seeing a kitty cat in a S.W.A.T. vest matched the reaction to Sammy Davis Jr. kissing Archie Bunker . . . that is, if you watched 'All In The Family' on mute."
I'm listening to the news on the radio this morning. The announcer says, "I conducted this exclusive interview, along with other reporters, with former Knicks player Kevin Houston." Exclusive?
Wahoo Gazette Fun Fact: "63% of people who are thinking of Zach Galifianakis are actually thinking of Seth Rogen."
Working on his birthday, here's tonight's submission by The Donz for LATE NIGHT THE DAY THEY WERE BORN
Miles Teller was born February 20, 1987.
What happened on LATE NIGHT the day Miles Teller was born?
February 20, 1987, fell on a Friday. There was no LATE NIGHT aired that night.
What happened on LATE NIGHT three days after Miles Teller was born?
LATE NIGHT, February 23, 1987 (#830): Gina Lollobrigida, John Malkovich, and James Moses with his dog Manhattan, winner of the New York Dog Show. Also: 1987 Year-In-Review Quiz, a Promo for Dumb Ads, and the Top 10 Things Characteristic of Ted Koppel or Insects :
10. Can eat through fabric.
9. Can feel superior to Sylvester Stallone.
8. Can carry gigantic crackers back to nest or dressing room.
7. Enjoy chats with Sam Donaldson about big melting Hershey bar on sidewalk.
6. Builds home out of own body secretions.
5. Can annoy Barbara Mandrell in her sleep.
4. Really enjoy Art Buchwald's jokes. (insects only)
3. Have ruined many a young boy's camping experience.
2. Sticky hair on legs useful in organizing evening's notes.
1. Can breed in standing water.
And that's what happened on LATE NIGHT three days after Miles Teller was born.
Michael Z. McIntee