CBS

Search By Date
M T W Th F
Wednesday, March 12, 2014 Dave, Sylvester Stallone and Theo James go full Rocky.
Show #4001
Sylvester Stallone, Theo James, and Ledisi.
PLUS: SKYPE; Sbarra pizza; something from the National Archives; a Top Ten list; and Joe Grossman with some jokes.

“ . . . and now, the outrageous and sagacious . . . . . . David Letterman!”

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE

-“Sylvester Stallone has a new movie coming up: ’The Expendables” break out of assisted living.”
-“And ‘Rocky’ is now a musical on Broadway. Previews are glorious, and so another Stallone movie is being made into a Broadway musical. It’s going to be called, ‘Rambo, Get Your Gun.’”

Oh, boy, another SKYPE call. How these are getting through remains a mystery. This one is from Monica Darby. Dave clicks on. We find a woman who was born during the first term of the Eisenhower Administration trying to communicate via the SKYPE.
MONICA: "The video I did two seconds ago didn't work, so I'll have to start it over . . . Good evening . . . . I want to show you something . . . (Monica leaves the SKYPE screen and soon returns holding a bouquet of flowers) . . . These are my beautiful flowers from Tasia Davis. I love 'em. They get prettier by the day."
How sweet.

The Sbarra pizza chain is going out of business. Corporate headquarters came out with this announcement today.
ANNOUNCE: "Sbarro has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. While we're sborry for the shbort notice, we must close our least sbuccessful locations. Our customers are sbpecial to us, and we sbincerely hope you visit us at our remaining shbopping mall sbtores. Sbarro. We thank you for your loyal sbupport."

DOH! It’s Monica again on the SKYPE.
We now see Monica trying to secure a yellow towel to her head.
MONICA: "I'll get everything tucked in. Twist this thing around in the back. Hold it up . . . somehow. I like to go around the side. Well, you get the idea. This works better, actually."
I think that’s enough of that.
To promote the Obamacare website, President Obama appeared in a “Funny or Die” video with Zach Galifianakis. This isn’t the first time a president has had a video go viral. The National Archives released this earlier today.
ART CARD: FROM THE NATIONAL ARCHIVES
GRAPHIC: "President Dwight D. Eisenhower, 1954"
We see a naked Ike running through the streets at night. He attempts to disrupt a racquet sport in progress, but doesn’t realize there is a glass partition in the way. The President head-slams it and falls on his naked posterior for all posterity.
ART CARD: FROM THE NATIONAL ARCHIVES

Oh, no, not again. It’s Monica.
MONICA: (she still has the yellow towel on her head and now holds a box of Goobers peanut and chocolatey treat): "I've got these for later. Those are always good. Goobers, with peanuts... you get your protein . . . . So that's a couple of things I wanted to talk to you about today. Anyhoo, have a good night. I'm going make coffee soon. I've got this facial on. It's full of salt. Tastes terrible. It's not sugar. No, I won't."
I have a terrible feeling that if the Wahoo Gazette was featured on the SKYPE medium, it would sound a lot like Monica.

ACT 2:
Dave is in a giving mood and presents a couple in the front row from Houston dinner for two at “21”.

TOP TEN: NOTES TAKEN BY THE HOSTILE CAT’S THERAPIST
-A cat in Portland, Oregon chased and trapped a family in their bedroom. The man of the house then called 911 for police assistance. The cat is now seeing a therapist.

NOTES TAKEN BY THE HOSTILE CAT’S THERAPIST
6. Anger stems from visit to Houston in August
5. No progress today after moth flew into room.

My single submission did not make the grade: “Thinks he’s more Sylvester Stallone than Sylvester the Cat.”

SYLVESTER STALLONE
His “Rocky” is now a musical down at the Winter Garden Theater right down the block from us at 50th and Broadway. Dave says many were skeptical of the idea of making the boxing blockbuster movie into a musical, but the previews have been boffo. The audiences love it! They get caught up in it and end up standing and cheering at the end. It has that universal message of “Yes, I Can” . . . . if only I had the drive and fortitude. Yes, we all think we have a “Rocky” in us but, unfortunately, it takes too much work. Sylvester was born right around here in Hell’s Kitchen and he says it’s taken him a long long time to go 8 blocks.
Remember the scene in the Rocky movie where Rock drinks down raw eggs? Well, there was much talk during the day whether we would recreate that tonight. Dave decided that if Stallone wanted to do, he could do it, but Dave was going to have nothing to do with it. He wants no part of the salmonella. Sly says he’s had everything there is to have in life so, sure, he’ll do the raw egg thing.
Dave presents a bowl of eggs and a glass. And then another glass. Dave and Sly crack open an egg in their glass. And then the reluctant Dave decides to go for it and gulps down the raw egg. Big reaction from the crowd and Mr. Stallone. Like a college kid at the bar for the first time, Dave gets hyped by the hype and cracks opens and downs another egg. Very impressive. Stallone’s turn. He does a double. Dave asks Sylvester when was the last time he’s done the raw eggs. Stallone thinks a minute and says, “19 . . . . . . . . seventy . . . . . .” Dave laughs. It really doesn’t make much difference after that. Just being in the 70s was long enough ago.
“Rocky: The Musical” – it opens Thursday. It’s going to be an enormous hit!

ACT 4:
This winter has been one of the worst in years, but it’s finally drawing to a close. We asked one of our writers, Joe Grossman, to come up with some jokes looking back at this miserable winter. Dave introduces our good friend, Joe Grossman.
DAVE: “Hi, Joe. How is your day going?”
JOE: “I found a tooth in my pizza.”
DAVE: “I’m sorry to hear that. We asked you to write some jokes about the rough winter we’ve had, so why don’t you go ahead and share what you’ve written.”
JOE: (opening his handy dandy little workbook)
-"This winter, New York City had 56 inches of snow, but you'll be dry and cozy when you towel-off the snow with JC Penney's Quick Dry towels, which dry 30% faster than other towels and comes in 18 colors and patterns to match any home decor." (rim shot)
-"The average temperature of New York this winter was an uncomfortable 28.6 degrees, but you'll never be uncomfortable on JC Penney's Liquid Cotton sheets. These 100% Pima cotton sheets are lightweight, buttery-soft, and less expensive than high-thread-count luxury sheets.
JC Penney: When it fits, you feel it." (rim shot)

Dave interrupts. "Stop that. Now, wait a minute. These are not jokes about winter at all. They're jokes about towels at JC Penney. Is someone asking you or paying you to say things about JC Penney towels? Joe,?”
JOE: “ . . . . . . . Yes.”
DAVE: "Well, you know, I'm not mad. I'm just disappointed. Did you write any actual jokes about winter, Joe?"
JOE: “ . . . . . . . "Hold on." (Joe looks through his handy dandy little notebook) . . . I've got one."
DAVE: “Great, go ahead.”
JOE: "It was so cold last week, when Letterman went to sleep on his Isotonic Osocool synthetic pillow from J C Penney, his teeth were chattering in the glass." (rim shot)

Dave shoos Mr. Grossman away, directing him to the correct direction.

ACT 5;
ANNOUNCE: “Get back here tomorrow for Dave and Bryan Cranston, Melissa Rauch, and Le1f.”
We cut to Alan from a sippy cup.
ALAN: “What? Lots of people use sippy cups!” Alan goes back to his sippy cup.

ACT 6:
THEO JAMES

From the big new sure-to-be blockbuster “Divergent.” Theo is from London and the accented Brit plays an American with an American accent. Why not just get an American? It’s another one of those unexplained Hollywood deals. Theo says he works on the American accent beforehand doing lots of prep, and when it comes time to do the film it’s second nature.

Hey! What’s that white paper in Dave’s hand? I soon find out. It’s a list of symptoms for salmonella. Dave reads: “Nausea, vomiting, abdominal pain, diarrhea, fever, chills, headache, muscle pain, and I’m going to spare you the last one.”

Has Theo ever eaten raw eggs? He says he’s put some in a protein shake but never raw by itself. Well, Theo, today is your lucky day! Dave cracks an egg and serves it up to Mr. James. He eyeballs it, then ups the bottom, swallowing the egg whole. And since Dave and Stallone had two, Dave prepares a second egg for Theo. Being a trouper, and figuring if Dave and Sly could do it, Theo gulps down the 2nd egg. Nice job, Theo. Now that’s being a good sport!

We see a clip from “Divergent.” Go for the American accent itself! Great job by Mr. James. You would think he was from state-side.

Tonight’s inductee into the Backstage PhotoClub is production associate and stand-up comedy booker Alex Buly.

ACT 7:
LEDISI
– From her new album, “The Truth,” the Grammy Award nominated soul singer performed “I Blame You.”

And that was our show for Wednesday, March 13, 2014.

After this horrendous winter, 30 is now the new 50.

I was watching “First Blood” (1982) the other night on the TV. Still works for me. I remember first seeing it as a 2nd feature at the drive-in. I thought it was great and wondered why it didn’t do better. It did great box office-wise, grossing $50 million, three times more than it was to make. Three years later, “Rambo: First Blood Part 2” came out and did a fantastic $150 million. I thought this one was too . . . . too Hollywood. The first one, “First Blood” . . . that’s the one to see.
“Rambo 3” (1988) and “Rambo” (2008) . . . I don’t think I saw those.

Phil Jackson . . please don’t sign on to run the New York Knicks. I like rooting against the Knicks. Their inept and bumbling organization is dysfunctional from top to bottom, especially at the very top. It’s fun seeing them lose in new ways. You’ll ruin that. I like you. The Knicks won’t be nearly as much fun with you at the lead.

On the other hand, New York Jets . . . . please, please, please sign Michael Vick. I love how the Jets can screw up the most basic of plans. Michael Vick will add some of the self-created chaos missing since Tim Tebow left. C’mon, Michael Vick! Come to the New York Jets!

And from the DONZ, on his March 12th birthday:
LATE NIGHT THE DAY THEY WERE BORN.
Theo James was born December 16, 1984.

What happened on LATE NIGHT the day Theo James was born?
December 16, 1984, fell on a Sunday. There was no LATE NIGHT aired that night.

What happened on LATE NIGHT the day after Theo James was born?

LATE NIGHT, December 17, 1984 (#489): John Low, demonstrating expensive new products from Hammercher-Schlemmer, and Eddie Murphy (plugging "Beverly Hills Cop"), using one of the Hammercher-Schmmer products, a blimp, as a phallic symbol. Edie McClurg is bumped until the following night. Also, Brush with Greatness: Thomas Chalmers, who met Van Halen; Deborah Searcy, who met Lucille Ball; and Sally Loveland, who met Peter Fonda. And it's the first night as a LATE NIGHT intern for current LATE SHOW Supervising Producer Kathy Michalcik-Mavrikakis. She accidentally breaks Edie McClurg's prop coffee mug backstage.

And that's what happened on LATE NIGHT the day after Theo James was born.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Cedar Knolls, New Jersey, happy birthday to Tara Callahan DeGeorge
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

Tonight's Guests

Jerry Seinfeld
Michael Jackson ONE

Wahoo Gazette Archive

Saturday, October 18
Do Alan and Foo Fighters' Pat Smear have something going on ?
Thursday, October 16
Dave takes the temperature of a home viewer.
Wednesday, October 15
Run, Bill Murray, run!
Tuesday, October 14
The Wilson sisters, Nancy & Ann, rock out with Foo Fighters.
Monday, October 13
Five nights of Foo Fighters kicks off with Zac Brown.