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Monday, March 24, 2014 Dave's son Harry provides iPhone tech support during their vacation.
Show #4004
President Jimmy Carter, Josh Charles, and The Hold Steady.
PLUS: Boehner reacts to the Syracuse loss in the March Madness; something from Ray LaHood; the new Presidential Limousine; a Top Ten list; and Dave’s home movies.

“ . . . and now, the reason television was invented . . . . . . . . . David Letterman!”

ACT 1:
-“Are you enjoying the March Madness? It’s the college basketball tournament that starts with 68, goes down to 32, and then drops to 16. Sort of like President Obama’s approval rating.”
-“Warren Buffett offered a billion dollars to anyone who could correctly predict the entire March Madness NCAA college basketball brackets. No one could. Now he is offering a billion dollars to any married man who can correctly load a dishwasher.”

The Syracuse Orangemen were eliminated from the NCAA basketball tournament, being upset by Dayton. When Dave heard the Orange was eliminated, he thought something happened to John Boehner. We see the Speaker’s bright orange complexion glow and dim, glow and dim. Hey, Boehner, lay off the carrots! You’re coming down with the carotenemia.

You know what? Let’s see what Secretary of Transportation, Ray LaHood, has to say about that.
We cut to Mr. LaHood sitting at his desk. He is drying exclaiming the benefits of the mass transit system.
LAHOOD: "Hello, everyone, this is Ray LaHood. We focus on many different forms of transportation: roads and bridges, light rail, streetcars, buses, and then, of course, other forms of transportation, too."
Wow! Tell me more, Secretary LaHood, tell me more!

Well, since I asked for . . . .

LAHOOD: "I just took a train last weekend from Washington to New York. Amtrak train. You can read newspapers, you can use your i-Pad, you can use your Blackberry, you can talk on the phone. If you want a quiet car on this corridor, the Northeast Corridor, you can go to a quiet car and not listen to somebody else's phone conversation. Amtrak really gets it now."

Oh, that Amtrak, never resting until they get it perfect.
Amtrak . . . when you don’t want to take the bus.

The Secret Service is seeking bids from major domestic car companies for a new presidential limousine. We take a look at one of the features in a Presidential limousine.
ANNOUNCE: "The Department of Homeland Security will award a contract to build the next presidential limousine. The limousine must weigh at least 10,000 pounds, contain a foam-sealed fuel tank, bumper-mounted night vision cameras, tear gas cannons and this feature.”
We see the limo driver with the President in the backseat. President Obama is preaching about his affordable health care. The driver isn’t all that interested. As the President drones, the limo driver presses a button to raise the partition between them. The President can no longer be heard.
ANNOUNCE: "A message from the Department of Homeland Security."

ACT 2:
Back from a weeklong break, Dave shares a story about his time off. He’s always a bit embarrassed to talk about his vacations since he only works an hour a day. Dave was out with his son . . . . “Harry” Paul shouts out . . . . and instead of telling us what happened, he shows us this video instead. We see a close-up of Dave trying to operate a video camera of some sort. We get a partial shot of Dave’s head as he monkeys with the machine, turning it this way and that. He’s trying to turn off the video option that is currently still in operation.
DAVE: (to the off-camera, 10-year-old son Harry) "Do you know how you get this out of video?"
HARRY (off-camera, sounding like any 10-year-old son, to his dad) "You slide it from the video camera to the camera!"
DAVE: (still not quite getting it) "Yeah . . . . that's a good idea, but..."

My guess is Dave simply decided to let the battery run out.

TOP TEN: PEOPLE GOING TO HELL – The Pope warned the mafia last week that if they didn’t change their ways, they could all end up in hell.
4. People who say, “Can I borrow you a sec?”
2. Presidents who never wear a shirt. (We then see a bit of the shirtless Putin montage.)
1. Anyone who lists people who will go to hell.

My submission to tonight’s Top Ten: “That guy on the Kars For Kids radio commercial.”
And then when I saw that we were showing the shirtless Putin montage, I suggested we change #1 (“Anyone who lists people who will go to hell.”) to “Anyone who continually show the shirtless Putin montage.”
BUZZ on both counts.

Our 39th President, and wife Rosalynn, have 12 grandchildren and 9 great-grandchildren. His grandson is currently leading in the polls for governor of Georgia.
What’s the deal with Russia and Ukraine and Crimea? Russia has moved in and taken Crimea back. President Carter says it was inevitable that Putin would take Crimea and since much of the country is loyal to Russia, this was met with not too much resistance. The Ukraine is a little bit different. President Carter says Putin and Russia would like Ukraine, but won’t take it back militarily. They are hoping to coax them back. I imagine doctors who repair broken thumbs may be in line for a lot of business soon. Most of the world seems to be okay with Russia taking Crimea, but the Ukraine may be a little different.
Back when Carter was President in the late 70’s, he installed solar panels on the roof of the Oval Office. Yup, way back then . . .35 years ago, the leader of the Free World realized the importance of getting away from fossil fuel and stepping into the future of renewable solar energy. The solar panels was very symbolic to what we should all look and work towards, but Reagan who followed Carter into the White House thought it symbolized a weakness and our inability to meet our own oil needs.

President Carter has a new book, in stores tomorrow, entitled, “A Call To Action: Women, Religion, Violence, and Power.” He speaks extensively on the uncomfortable and “I’d rather not hear” subject of the slave trade and barbarian treatment of women throughout the world. And why it is rampant is because it is a subject we don’t want to hear or even think about. It’s unfathomable that the harsh and barbaric treatment of women through the female trafficking and genital mutilation still goes on. And the United States is not immune. Right here on college campuses only 4% of women who are raped report it. And college presidents don’t want any incidents of such going out. They don’t want their college to get a reputation that such things occur.

Yeesh. Subjects we would all like to pretend don’t exist. But it’s out there.

Before saying good night, Dave mutters to the President, “You know, I was hoping you would have been funnier.”

ACT 5;
ANNOUNCE: “Drop by again tomorrow as Dave welcomes Emma Watson, Nick Offerman, and The Strypes. The Late Show: where clean restrooms and courteous station attendants are a fact, not just a promise.”

ACT 6:
From “The Good Wife.” Did you hear? I was going to put in bold and caps, “Spoiler Alert,” but since no one reads this I don’t have to. Josh Charles’ character Will Gardner was killed in Sunday’s episode. Josh says he was fine with his being killed since he thought it just might get him on the Late Show. He says his contract was up after season 4 and was ready to move on to something new, so he was killed off. I don’t know . . . good idea? Getting killed off is fine if you’re in a soap opera because you can always come back in flashbacks over and over and over . . . and over again. That doesn’t happen as much in a nighttime series. He admits to being a bit surprised at how fans of the show have reacted to his demise. They are taking it kind of hard.
Josh is from Baltimore and is a big fan of all Baltimore sports teams. Uh oh . . . The Colts. Dave’s Indianapolis stole the Colts from Baltimore. Even though Dave and his home were the recipients of this wonderful windfall, he knows it was a cheap and cruel thing to do to a fine city such as Baltimore. Still, Dave gleefully recalls how the Colts snuck out of town in the middle of the night to move west. Josh still hasn’t gotten over it. He has since adopted the Baltimore Ravens as his team to love . . . the team that left Cleveland.

“The Good Wife” – you can see it, but not Josh, Sunday nights at 9:00 PM.

ACT 7:
From their new album “Teeth Dreams,” in stores tomorrow, The Hold Steady performed “Spinners.”

And that was our show for Monday, March 24, 2014.

Did you hear that? Did you hear the loud celebratory excitement of joy and happiness? Of course you didn’t, because all the glee of baseball’s once cherished Opening Day was outsourced to Australia.

Monologue joke:
-“Warren Buffett offered a billion dollars to anyone who could correctly predict the entire March Madness NCAA college basketball brackets. No one could. Now he is offering a billion dollars to any married man who can correctly load a dishwasher.”
C’mon! I take pride on how to load a dishwasher. I understand there is a science to it. I know which fork and knives to place up and down. I know which glasses go where. I know how to position the plates. And, yes, I know that there are some items that are better to wash by hand in the sink than to shove in the dishwasher. It’s more practical. And I would think most men would think that way. I believe it is MEN who can better load a dishwasher than a woman. I do have to admit I’m a bit anal when it comes to loading. Yes, EVERYTHING has a proper place and position. It drives Denise nuts. As for my daughters, I’m not sure they know we have a dishwasher.

Having St. Patrick’s Day on a Monday is rough. The festivities begin Friday night and run through to the 17th on Monday. And there are always some parades to be found the week prior and the weekend following the big city parade. Five soda breads and a couple quarts of homemade Bailey’s and I’m kinda glad to be back at work. And in between all that, I completed most of the chores on my list.
It’s also a frustrating time of year. You get that one day of 62 degree weather, followed by a few 30s back-to-back, and then snow in the forecast, with a revisit of temps in the 60s, and then back to the 30s again. It’s all a big tease. But when that first 68-degree day drops in, boy, it almost makes all that winter snow and cold worth it. The joy and anticipation of the spring and summer ahead is a great northeast and Midwest thrill. And then I make my annual promise to myself to have the best lawn possible. I don’t want the best lawn in the neighborhood; only better than my neighbors’ to the left and right of me.

A week ago my girls had decided on attending Ithaca and Fairfield for college. And today it’s Marist and Villanova. I know I’ve said it before but I think this is final, but who knows what next week will bring. At Marist, freshman roommate assignment is random. At Villanova, you can pick your freshman roommate. I tend to lean towards random assignment. It teaches you to take what you get, and then adapt. But is that a good lesson? Or you can look at it the other way; doing research and preparation and texting back and forth to “interview” possibilities and then make an educated choice on a roommate. I’m more of a passive “take it and adapt,” but I can certainly understand the aggressive “plan and make it work” approach.

I sat through a “Weeds” marathon on the NetFlix Sunday night to watch the final seasons. Three weeks ago I had no idea who Mary-Louise Parker was. Now I get it. She played a marijuana grower/dealer who had to resort to that way of life in order to maintain her way of life. I heard Showtime is planning a spin-off of that show about a guy who pretends to possess a doctorate and ends up teaching at an Ivy League school. They’re calling it “Tweeds”.

Yes, I agree . . . I had to go too far for that joke. CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From New York, New York, it’s Philip Varriale
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
Twitter: @WahooMike

Wahoo Gazette Archive

Monday, May 18
Hovering! with Tom Hanks
Saturday, May 16
Oprah and Dave indulge in a selfie.
Thursday, May 14
Tom Waits, Dave and what's-his-name.
Wednesday, May 13
Julia and Dave squeeze in one last hug.
Tuesday, May 12
Adam Sandler performs a musical ode to Dave.