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Tuesday, March 25, 2014 Dave offers to take The Strypes out for a game of laser tag.
Show #4005
Emma Watson, Nick Offerman, and The Strypes.
PLUS: Amazing Results; the Wheel of Fortune; Cocaine at the Vatican; a Top Ten List; and Who Gets Killed Off the Late Show?

" . . . and now, with your "feels like" entertainment . . . . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE
- "Something new in New York City . . . nude yoga classes. If I want to see a fat guy nude sitting on a yoga mat, I'll go in the subway."

Dave mentions that Vladimir Putin and the Russians have been kicked out of the G8 . . . and as soon as Dave says "G8" we cut to footage of the inside of a bingo hall. This happens a number of times.
For my Bingo story, find it below.

Split screen flies in of Dave and a hunky young guy.
ANNOUNCE: "Just look at these amazing results!"
Dave is confused. He wants that out. What amazing results? Is Dave the before or the after? Dave is on the "after" side of the split, but does that make him the "after"? If so, I really really want to know what he's taking.

Did you see that guy on the "Wheel of Fortune" who solved the puzzle after seeing only two letters? Either way, we take a look. The puzzle is shown with the letters:
N E blank / blank blank blank / blank blank blank blank blank. Sajak doesn't give the dude much of a chance of solving the puzzle. The guy looks and then blurts, "NEW BABY BUGGY"
Everybody at the "Wheel" must have been asleep at the switch because no on caught his right answer at first. A few beats later we see and hear the DING DING DING and flashing lights. Good for him! "New Baby Buggy" . . . but if you watched the whole show you wouldn't have been so impressed. We take a look at other puzzles to be solved that day. No matter the letters up on the board, the guy would guess "New Baby Buggy." It was only a matter of time before he got it right. After seeing the clip, Dave mutters, "That Pat Sajak is breaking his back, isn't he?"
Cocaine to the Vatican. Did you hear about that? And some even made it to the Pope. Who would have thought the Pope could have gotten a hold of some blow? Well, it's pretty obvious something was up, judging from the Pope's most recent sermon.
We find the Pope pontificating a homily. But Pope Francis . . . is doing Sam Kinison schtick. Ohhhhh! He's doing Kinison. Wow. Must have been some powerful Paradise White.

ACT 2:
TOP TEN: THINGS OVERHEARD IN LINE FOR THE CUPCAKE ATM - there's a new machine in midtown that dispensed cupcakes and cookies like an ATM.
It's why the rest of the world hates us.
THINGS OVERHEARD IN LINE FOR THE CUPCAKE ATM.
7. "My pin number is also my cholesterol level."
5. "I miss talking to a cupcake teller"
4. "Damn, frosting fees"
2. "Quit licking the slot."

EMMA WATSON
She's in the new "Noah" movie. She's best known for her work in the Harry Potter films. Dave says his son, Harry, just discovered the Potter books and is fast at the read. Dave wants to get him all the Potter movies, but Harry's mom wants to wait and let him read first. Yeah, moms are like that. Dave asks about the game, Quiddich," that has been created from the books. Emma is aware of it and says there are teams and competitions even at Harvard and Yale. This spurs Dave to congratulate Emma for her impending graduation from Brown.
(You may not know this but I'm an alum from Brown . . . . . UPS)

Russell Crowe plays Noah in the film. Dave wonders if anyone else could play Noah. Emma says Russell was the perfect Noah; strong, smart, able to build stuff with his own hands. The ark built was a replica and exact size of the one in the Bible. So, was "Noah" filmed in the Mediterranean? In the Black Sea? The Dead Sea? The Red Sea? Nope . . . it was shot off Long Island.

We watch a clip . . . but not before we show some comical boat-at-sea Shecky footage to the unsuspecting Emma. I always think we should have an insert of the actor's reaction when we show Shecky footage. It's what I would do if I ruled the world.

"Noah" - it opens this Friday. Can you imagine how frustrating it must have been for Noah to keep seeing clouds and rain in the 5-day forecast?

ACT 4:
The CBS series, "The Good Wife", killed off a major player the other night. We had Josh Charles here last night to tell us all about it. It was a shock to fans of "The Good Wife" and it brought in a lot of publicity. We liked the idea and decided to take a similar route. We have Alan Kalter tell us what to expect.
ALAN: "Dave, this week a beloved 'Late Show' character won't make it out alive!"
Alan opens a piece of paper and reads from a list of whom it might be.
ALAN: "Will it be announcer Alan Kalter?"
Alan stops and checks both sides of the page. There is nothing else. Only Alan Kalter's name.
ALAN: "There's nothing else on this paper . . . . so. . . so it's me. Is that right, Dave?"
DAVE: "Yeah."
ALAN (angry): "Oh, great! Just great! Now I'm out of a job, aren't I, Dave?" And you're letting me find out this way? Oh, it's gonna be so much fun going back to doing Dial soap commercials and gout awareness PSAs!"
An angry Alan storms off the set. Dave tries to tell Alan it's not what it seems, or at least, that Dave had nothing to do with it. But then Alan soon returns, though still angry. He grabs a mug off his lectern.
ALAN: "Forgot my 'NCIS' mug." Alan re-exits

I can understand Alan's ire. It's not so much that he is going to be killed off, but the way he found out.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "Join Dave tomorrow as he welcomes Peter Dinklage, comedian Hari Kondabolu, and Sage the Gemini. When we come back, our experts show you how to make your own molecules from atoms you have around the house!"

ACT 6:
NICK OFFERMAN
The very funny man from "Parks and Recreation" is now starring in the off-Broadway play "Annapurna."
Dave exclaims that Nick could play Noah. He's got the beard (for "Annapurna") and he's a builder. He once built Dave an oar. That's sort of like giving someone keys to a car, but not the car. Dave is a big fan of "Parks and Recreation" and says, "I'm happy to see a show of that quality being appreciated by the public." Nick had the opportunity to direct an episode of "P&R" which will air April 11th. First Lady Michelle Obama also makes an appearance on one of the shows this season. Did Nick hobnob with her? Not really. There is a clause that forces him to remain at least 250 yards away from her at all times. Says Nick, "From 251 yards, she looks to be a lovely person."

"Annapurna" - shows start April 13th at the Acorn Theater on 42nd Street. Nick stars along with his wife, the very funny Megan Mullally, in this two-person play. Lauds Nick about his lovely wife, "She's astonishing in the play and I have the best seat in the house."

Nick Offerman . . . one of my favorites. Very funny without banging you over the head to let you know he is saying something funny. You actually have to listen and look for it. And he knows how to use a handsaw and file. Gotta like that.

ACT 7:
THE STRYPES
Now that's some good ol' rockin' Rock and Roll. And they're just kids!

And that was our show for Tuesday March 25, 2014.

Who else could play Noah? C'mon! Bill Cosby, of course!
I always wondered about this . . . Noah took two of every species onto his ark; a male and female. Did this include fish?

My bingo story. It's not much but it was very exciting for me. I was just out of college, 1980. No money, no job. A friend asked if I wanted to go to play Bingo at the local church. I never played Bingo in a hall so I figured, "Why not?" I was broke and no job. We were driven to the local church and dropped off. Yeah, this wasn't my best days. I paid for 3 cards and took a seat at the cafeteria table. It was us and a bunch of grandmothers in the hall of 300. And then somewhere in the middle of the night, I-26 was called. It was the 7th number called and the 5th "I". And I had all 5 I's. BINGO! Naturally, the biggest fear in calling out "BINGO" is that you really didn't have it. But I had it! And after that, my friend Ann and I walked a quarter-mile to Perunna's and drank away the $20 on pitchers of beer. Good times.

Hmmm, conspiracy? Is the fix in? The more I watch that clip of the Wheel of Fortune, the more my suspicions are stoked. The Final Wheel Puzzle on this night is made up of 3 words. The first word is 3 letters; the 2nd word if 4 letters; the 3rd word is 5 letters. The show gives the contestant 5 pre-selected letters, the same for every final Wheel puzzle: RSTLNE. The guy then gets to pick 4 letters of his own. He picks HMDO. So now the guy has to solve the puzzle with the letters chosen: N E and the rest are blank. The not-seen letters remaining are W B A B Y B U G G Y. Now the show, I would think, knows the guy won't be picking a B or a W or a Y or a G. They know the guy will be left out there with very little chance of solving the puzzle. They know what letters the guy is likely to pick on his own. I would think they've studied such things. And so I believe that is was pre-decided that this night's episode of "Wheel" would not have a big winner in the final. It is why the judges were not ready for "New Baby Buggy" and the seconds delay on the DINGS, lights, and music.

Loading the dishwasher follow-up. Last night Dave made a joke about men not being able to load a dishwasher correctly. I was a bit insulted because I take pride in my dishwashing-loading expertise. It really bothers me that others do not take the same pride in their loading ability. I'm happy to learn that I am not the only one who knows the importance of a rightful loading of the dishwasher. From Mike Henderson of East Windsor, New Jersey: "Thank you! I'm the only one in my family who can load the dishwasher correctly. Not only do I pride myself on placement, but when it looks like there's absolutely no more room, usually because others have loaded it incorrectly, I'm especially proud that I can usually find room for at least a few more glasses and plates."

Thank you, Mike. You can come to my house and load my dishwasher anytime.
No, that's not a euphemism for anything.

Filling in for Maury Povich this week will be Pope Francis.
POPE FRANCIS: " . . . Vinnie The Butcher . . . you ARE going to hell!"

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Founder, Director Legacy Brass Ensemble (Est. 1993), at Self-Employed, it's Rick Price
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike


Tonight's Guests

John C. Reilly
Rachelle Lefevre
Conor Oberst

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