Kristin Chenoweth, Amy Schumer, and JOHNNYSWIM.
Plus: New York Mets Preview; a Triple Negative; Biblical Movie Roundup; the Christie Report; a Tweeted-in Top Ten; Celebrity Birthdays; and Sitting In with the Band, the Great Leo Nocentelli.
" . . . and now, the good cholesterol . . . . . . . . David Letterman!"
Two-handed kiss to the audience to open the show. ODD DAVE? No, but it's how I label it for future use.
Opening Day!! Yeah, Bud Selig and Major League Baseball have ruined it, but Monday was the opening day for many teams. The Mets . . . how will they do this year? We take a look at this "2014 New York Mets Preview"
ANNOUNCE: "In the months ahead, let's focus on our many blessings, such as friends, family, freedom, health, the promise of a new day, the laughter of a child. This has been a '2014 New York Mets Preview.' "
Yeah, better to think about our blessings than to think about the talent on the Mets.
Take out your calculators for this, take out a map, take out your decipherer, it's time for "What?!? Triple Negative Edition"
Congressman Mike Rogers (R-Michigan; Chairman of the House Intelligence Committee - responding to David Gregory on "Meet The Press: "No counterintelligence official in the United States does not believe that Mr. Snowden, the NSA contractor, is not under the influence of Russian intelligence services."
"Noah" . . . no, that's not a fourth negative . . . heh heh heh . . . "Noah" is one of the many Biblical blockbusters that is making the rounds at your local bijou. We take a look at this "Biblical Movie Roundup"
ART CARD: BIBLICAL MOVIE ROUNDUP
ANNOUNCE: "'Noah,' (scene from "Noah") 'Son of God' (scene from "Son of God" - Jesus: "One of you here will betray me.), 'The Muppets Perish in Sodom and Gomorrah' (scene from Muppet Bible movie - One of the Muppets: "Fire! Fire! Fire!").
ANNOUNCE: Thanks for watching the 'Biblical Movie Roundup.' "
Rest easy, America, Chris Christie has investigated the George Washington Bridge scandal and his hired investigators found that he had nothing to do with it. I imagine a bonus will be coming their way. But there are some questionable details in the report. We take a look.
ART CARD: QUESTIONABLE DETAILS IN THE CHRIS CHRISTIE REPORT
ANNOUNCE: "Page 10. Our investigation found that Governor Christie did not know of the lane realignment beforehand and had no involvement in the decision to realign the lanes. Page 14. Governor Christie ate a salad.
'Questionable Details in the Chris Christie Report' is a production of Fatco."
More from Christie's office. A LIVE feed from Christie's governor's mansion. We take a look. His mansion doubles as a hot dog-making factory.
Must be sweet to be governor.
Sitting in with the band, from The funky Meters, funk guitarist Leo Nocentelli.
TOP TEN: RESPONSES TO MY TWEET, "WHAT NOW?"
Dave and the show get a lot of emails about our Top Ten lists complaining that it's not always all that funny. Well, last night on the program, Dave tweeted out a message: Hash tag Dave, What Now?" Here we have the top ten responses.
10. Oh my almighty God, is Dave trying to tweet again? (@jamzarm)
9. I forgot you're an idiot like me (@oldlady12345)
8. #yourdoingitwrongdave (@littleorcs)
7. You wait until we figure out what the old man was trying to do (@st3v8n)
6. #wronghashtag (@cosmictropic)
5. Lovin the rebel in you (@jk_suz)
4. So what was the Top Ten? (@kassiemacegg)
3. I don't get it (@thomasmcoe)
2. The important thing is that you're trying! (@catslawrence)
1. Have your son show you how it works (@cnymulch)
At its completion, Dave types out a new Top Ten category for tomorrow night. Someday, all shows will be written this way.
Dave brings up a recent injury Kristin suffered while filming a scene from "The Good Wife." She was knocked on the noggin from a falling light fixture or something. Kristin says it felt like it took as long as how long it took Dave to do his twitter. Kristin says the incident took place on July 11th. She knows this because it was 7/11 and she was planning her trip on to get a free Slurpee at 7/11. (Thank you, Mr. Keyes!) This light fixture fell on her head, knocked her out, and she had to forego the Slurpee and was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance, losing one Prada shoe on the way. But good news/bad news . . . . she had a skull fracture . . . but her recent hair extensions that had just been tightened kept her head fracturing farther. Kristin adds, "Ever since, I now look up wherever I go." And just then, a sandbag crashes down on the desk from above. April Fools, Kristin!
Kristin will be performing at Carnegie Hall on May 3rd . . . yeah, THAT Carnegie Hall in a performance called "The Evolution of a Soprano." Kristin gives a sample of her soprano abilities in this old favorite. Before starting, she advises Dave, "And if you want to sing along, don't." Kristin sings some "Over The Rainbow."
And you can hear more of Kristin in the new film, "Rio 2," which opens April 11th. She voices Gabby, the poisonous frog.
Dave: "There are what, 350 million people in America? That Top Ten wasn't that funny."
Hey, you know what time it is? Time for Alan Kalter's Celebrity Birthdays!
Art Card; Music from Paul.
ALAN: "Tom Hanks was born on July 9, 1956.
Julia Roberts, born on October 28, 1967.
Johnny Depp, born on June 9, 1963.
Sylvester Stallone, born July 6, 1946.
Will Smith was born on September 25, 1968.
Sandra Bullock, July 26, 1964.
Morgan Freeman, born June 1, 1937."
Dave puts a stop to this nonsense.
DAVE: "Stop! Everybody just stop! Alan, you're supposed to single out celebrities who are having a birthday on this day. It's not supposed to be a list of random celebrity birthdays."
ALAN: (not happy with the public admonishment) "No one told me that."
DAVE: "Well, we thought it was obvious. We didn't think we'd have to explain how it works."
ALAN: (irate as he exits) "I'll tell you what works, and what you have to explain. I'm leaving! And these people . . . they treat me like crap! I'm a good man. I comb my hair. I shovel my driveway. I go to museums. I do! I do all of that. I have a firm handshake. I umpire Little League. I read the newspaper. I drink my milk. I clean my gutters. I'm never late for judo. I water my flowers. I feed my ducks! I feed my ducks!! I serve my guests cheese. I floss in the morning."
Dave throws to commercial as Alan continues his rant.
ALAN: "I use my blinker. I tip my doorman. I finish what's on my plate. I use hand sanitizer. I rake my leaves."
And now, behind the scenes. When Alan exited, a list was taped to the wall for Alan to continue his rant. I was back there to point where Alan was up to on the list so he wouldn't have to search. After he ranted "I go to museums," he disappeared behind the curtain. His "I do, I do all of that" bought him time to start reading from the list. The list on the script ended after "I serve my guests cheese." Dave was to throw to commercial anywhere during Alan's rant. I added another 6 rant-lines to keep Alan going during Dave's throw. I didn't want his rants to end if Dave came in late. I thought it would work better if Dave had to throw to commercial over Alan's continued rant. DING!
Music from Leo Nocentelli and the CBS Orchestra.
From Comedy Central's "Inside Amy Schumer."
"Inside Amy Schumer" now in its 2nd season. How have things changed for her? Amy says, "It's very different. I am very rich now!" She is being facetious. Amy says Comedy Central pays her as if she worked in an upscale nail salon. That's the pay scale. Not much has changed in her life. TV Guide recently listed what people make who have their own show. Amy Schumer came in last. Hoarders came in ahead of her . . . the guys from Storage Wars.
Amy is out on the road a lot and she feels people should only be allowed to cities where they would be considered very attractive. She feels as if she doesn't belong in Miami. She should only be allowed to places like Pittsburgh. She was recently in Los Angeles buying cereal. Next to her was Kate Upton. Amy sheepishly put back the cereal box. If in Tennessee, it's not like that at all. Says Amy, "In Tennessee, I'm Kate Upton." People are like, "What are those?" and I'm saying, "Teeth . . . ."
Amy is very defensive about her weight. She is quite often asked, "How do you keep it right at disappointing?"
The second season of "Inside Amy Schumer" premiered earlier tonight. Dave asks what we can expect to see this year that we did not see last season.
Amy: "Black people."
"Inside Amy Schumer" - Tuesdays at 10:30 on the Comedy Central. Wow! This might be a "Must see." Very funny, Amy Schumer!
From their album, "Diamonds," in stores later this month, JOHNNYSWIM performed "Home."
And that was our show for Tuesday April 01, 2014.
What did I think when Kristin Chenoweth entered? "Hey, Joey Heatherton!" I don't know why . . . the reference is at least 40 years old . . and Kristin has nothing to do with Lance Rentzel. When I mentioned Joey Heatherton to cue carder Tony Mendez, he got all excited and wondered how I knew Joey Heatherton. Tony said he worked with her a lot on the Dean Martin Show. I don't think she was one of Dean's Gold Diggers.
Leo Nocentelli . . . . is it NO-sen-TELL-ee or NO-chen-TELL-ee? I checked youtube interviews, I checked around here, I checked with two of his people. It was NO-sen-TELL-ee. And then someone asked Leo. It's NO-chen-TELL-ee. Getting pronunciations is like playing telephone. The fewer on the party line, the better.
Dave recently alluded to men not knowing how to properly load a dishwasher. I objected, as I take great pride in how and where to place the dishes and silverware. Wahoo reader Mark Henderson agreed with me. And then that night I was out at a neighbor's watching some basketball and having a couple brews, when out of the blue my friend says something about how well he loads the dishwasher. No prompting from me. And he doesn't read the Wahoo. Me and he and we then went on for 20 minutes on how we each load the dishwasher. We all believe we do it better than our spouses. It was a very satisfying conversation.
Yup, that's right, gals . . . it's what us men talk about when we are alone.
From Wahoo reader Michael Puettmann:
"My friends and I did a charity trivia night the other week. The category was 'All Things Green.' One of the questions:
- In the futuristic movie 'Soylent Green' people are rationed food crackers. What are the crackers made of?
Who says the Wahoo Gazette isn't educational?
We won that round by one. The team with 1 point less than our team didn't know that answer."
Thank you, Michael, for placing "Wahoo Gazette" and "educational" in the same sentence. Of course everyone here knows the answer to, "What is soylent green?" And, of course, all of you answered in your mind just the way Charlton Heston did, right?
"Soylent green is people!!!!"
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Shooting point guard for the 1973-74 Pomona Panthers, on this his 56th birthday, it's Barry Knapp.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Michael Z. McIntee