Martha Stewart, and Lady Gaga.
PLUS: marijuana pizza; Hump Day; Amish Mafia Files; a moist Joe Biden; a Top Ten list; and Bill Murray is in the house.
“ . . . and now, the Fresh Prince of Muncie . . . . . . . David Letterman!”
-“Have you seen the ‘Noah’ movie? My favorite scene was Noah on deck struggling with an umbrella.”
A Canadian pizzeria is selling pizza made with marijuana. Today, the first pie was delivered to Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. We take a look at his just having finished dining. He walks right into a camera.
Marijuana-laced pizza . . . now that’s what I call one-stop shopping.
Interrupt/announce – “Happy Hump Day, from CBS and The Hump. A graphic surrounds Dave, referencing him as The Hump.
Time now for a new segment called, “Amish Mafia Files.”
ANNOUNCE: "April 1, 2014 . . . As retribution for Jacob Miller's unpaid gambling debts, Lancaster capo Jedediah 'The Gent' Lapp ordered his goons to steal Miller's house."
Cut to a bunch of Amish goons lifting a house. (with your legs, fellas, with your legs!)
ANNOUNCE: "Thanks for watching 'Amish Mafia Files.' "
Vice President Joe Biden was on some show the other day yakking about something. He starts talking about moisturizing. Apparently, his wife turned him on to moisturizing. You’d figure like most men, he’d say “Yeah, honey, sure, I’ll moisturize.” But . . . well, did you see what he was doing today?
We see the Veep speeching at a podium . . . I mean, lectern . . . right in the middle of his speech, he opens his shirt, squirts some moisturizer into his hand, and applies it to his chest. Glad to see he’s got his priorities in order.
HEY! It’s Bill Murray! Bill Murray enters carrying a clipboard. Big reaction from the audience. He’s here on a personal matter. On his clipboard is his bucket list, a lineup of things he wants to accomplish before he passes on to the other side. He’s been knocking down the list one-by-one. An item that remains is Bill doing the Late Show . . . not as a guest, but as THE GUY. The guy who runs the ship, the guy who steers the car, the guy who rides the camel. Doing the whole show would likely be too much work, so Bill simply wants to tell one joke from the monologue mark. Dave immediately senses a break from work and grants Bill his wish. Mr. Murray tells the next monologue joke in the lineup.
BILL: “You know that evil Russian president, Vladimir Putin? Well, he and his wife got divorced after being married for over 30 years. The split up last summer after she caught him invading Georgia.”
Was that one of Dave’s jokes or Bob Hope’s?
TOP TEN: RESPONSES TO MY TWEET, “WHO’S IDEA WAS THE LIGHT LUNCH?”
During last night’s program, Dave tweeted, “Who’s idea was the light lunch?”
Here are the top ten responses.
10. The same guy that came up with the idea for a heavy dinner (@scotthorton)
9. It was invented shortly after soup (@thistlehillmedi)
8. The guy who microwaves fish at work (@kathbatts)
7. It's a conspiracy started by "Big Salad" (@kickitupanacho)
6. That guy who "forgot" his wallet (@damianapawn)
5. The same person who's apparently forgotten the difference between "who's" and "whose" (hey_98point6) (- last night, Dave mistakenly typed in “Who’s” the contraction, instead of “whose” the possessive)
4. Nicola Tesla-but Alexander Graham Bell grabbed all the credit, as usual (cranky_critic)
3. Who is Alex Trebek? (@fricketme)
2. Regis Philbin because he's too cheap to pay for dinner (im4godru2)
1. It wasn't Chris Christie (@tawanda510)
Out of the Top Ten closing animation, we find our friend Bill sitting in the guest chair. He has another request. It’s a two-parter. Bill would like Dave to show a clip of his current movie now in theaters, and then to read a little something Bill prepared. Dave agrees to the request. We take a look at a clip from “The Grand Budapest Hotel.”
Following the clip, Dave reads the note prepared by Bill: “This is probably the greatest film of all time. Bill Murray, you are a humble genius, and yet the finest actor of your generation, and perhaps an extremely handsome man. And I love you. Also, special hello to Kevin, Rootie, and Frank at Maaco in New Bedford.”
Bill exits, excited that he won’t have to pay for the work Maaco recently did on his car.
She’s got her hand in everything, this woman! What an entrepreneur! What’s a day like for Martha Stewart? Martha says her days start at quarter-to-five. She rises early to tend to her chickens. Then she hops on her slew of exercise machines, including the treadmill, the elliptical, and the rowing machine. And then she sips the green juice, made up of mint, parsley, cucumber, celery, spinach, and some papaya.
Dave wonders what this Martha Stewart Spring Collection at Macy’s is all about. He has no idea what a spring collection is. She explains that she offers her home essentials found only at Macy’s. Dave says all the shopping he does is done at hardware stores. Dave admits he goes mostly for the smell.
Dave enjoys Martha’s visits because she usually brings snacks. Tonight she brought over an assortment of deviled eggs, along with two servings of beet lemonade. Some deviled eggs are already prepared, others are empty and the deviled part needs to be squirted in to the waiting hard-boiled half egg. Dave begins to squirt the egg stuffing into the egg, then cuts right to the chase and squirts into his mouth. He offers some to Martha who declines. The beet lemonade? Dave grabs a bottle of vodka he always keeps behind the desk and pours some into the beet lemonade. He then cuts right to the chase and swigs right from the bottle.
What is Dave’s daily routine? He says, like today, he’s usually not up yet. Martha wonders why she never sees Dave out running anymore. Dave barks, “Do you have any idea how old I am?”
Back from commercial, we find Bill Murray slink out from behind the desk along the skyline. He has another request. He would love to meet Lady Gaga. Bill’s in luck because she just so happens to be a guest on our show tonight. Dave calls for her to come out. Lady Gaga enters, wearing her best Howard Stern/dressed like Lady Gaga/costume. Bill, Lady Gaga, and Dave get in on a selfie. Lady Gaga then invites Dave, Bill, and the entire audience across the street to the Roseland Ballroom to see a performance. Recognizing the something-for-nothing offer, the crowd shouts excited approval. The three exit, followed by the audience.
We see the audience crossing 53rd Street at glacier-speed.
From Roseland, Lady Gaga performs “Dope” and “G.U.Y.” from her new album, “Artpop.” Very exciting. I picture grandmas calling their granddaughters about their seeing . . . “a Gaga Lady?” Granddaughters would then lament that grandma saw Lady Gaga before them.
And that was our show for Wednesday, April 02, 2014.
Bill Murray . . . Martha Stewart . . . Lady Gaga . . . but for me the real highlight was our Act 1 sponsor, Cheez-Its Grooves. I’m gaga for the Cheez-Its. Whenever I do the grocery shopping, I pick up a box and finish it on the drive home. Love the stuff.
The Roseland Ballroom . . . closing down after 95 years. It is the last big ballroom dance rooms in Manhattan. Performers at Roseland over the years include Louis Armstrong, Count Basie, Glenn Miller, Tommy Dorsey, Benny Goodman, Frank Sinatra, Ella Fitzgerald, Bob Dylan, the Rolling Stones, Madonna, Beyonce, and on and on and on. And now it is being torn down to put up a high-rise apartment. I’m hearing 50-plus floors. Great . . . but where are they going to go to dance?
Martha was talking about morning workout and mentioned she would run a mile-and-a-half each day . . . in four-and-a-half minutes. Dave was pretty impressed with that, especially since it would be a world record. I laughed when he compared her to Roger Bannister, the first to break the four-minute mile. I pictured Dave going with Jim Ryun or Marty Liquori, but I guess the Brit, Roger Bannister, is the best known even though he broke the four-minute mile barrier back in 1952.
Martha’s claiming she ran a mile-and-a-half a day in four-and-a-half minutes reminded me of my aunt years ago who was proud of her workout on her new exercise bike. She would put in 5 miles a day on the bike. We were all quite impressed. That is not bad for a first-time who was not accustomed to exercising. We later found out she was reading the odometer wrong. She wasn’t riding 5 miles a day. She was riding a half mile a day . . . point-5 miles. She eventually put the exercise bike to its proper use . . . . something to hang your clothes on.
My neighbor is moving out. He’s getting rid of everything in his house. He caught me the other day and exclaimed, “I got just the thing for you!” He then trudged over his Nordic track machine. I thanked him, then immediately made plans to throw it out as soon as he moved. But now I realize that it’s the perfect machine to use until my planter fasciitis calms down, so I’m keeping it. Plus, it can hang a week’s worth of laundry!
David Yoder . . . I read his, he reads mine, and I think that’s about it.
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Michael Z. McIntee