Johnny Depp, and Joseph Arthur.
PLUS: Allergy Sufferers; a Message from the American Allergy Association; the Cast of "Noah"; the Single Putin; Obamacare; and Dave with Something to Share.
" . . . and now, your hype guy for the evening . . . . . . . David Letterman!"
- "The Supreme Court ended limits on campaign contributions. You're now free to spend millions on candidates. I can remember when you could buy a politician with a hooker."
- "Vladimir Putin and his wife have finalized their divorce. It was an amicable divorce. It must be because she's still alive."
- "I feel bad for the Putin kids over the divorce . . . Nancy, Tina, Frank Junior . . . ." (I like that joke simply because Dave enjoys telling it. It seems like he tells it just so he can hear himself say it.)
You get the allergies? Dave would hate to think of himself as an allergy sufferer. I "Played The Dave" and finished his thought when I said aloud, " . . . because I always thought allergies were a sign of weakness." Dave first said that back on April 29, 2011. I laughed when he said that because I simplemindedly thought allergies were a sign of weakness, too, when I was a kid. Did Dave say that again tonight? BUZZZ! No, he did not.
But back to our show. Did you see this announcement from the Allergy people? It appears that this will be the worst allergy season ever. We take a look.
ANNOUNCE: "Actually, there is no hope for allergy sufferers. That's right. No decongestant, saline spray, antihistamine, acupuncture treatment, vitamin supplement, steam shower, herbal tea, neti pot, nasal corticosteroid, probiotic, or HEPA filter will do a damn thing.
A message from the American Allergy Association."
And speaking of allergies, time now for "Allergy Sufferer of the Night."
ART CARD: ALLERGY SUFFERER OF THE NIGHT
We see Lady Gaga on stage performing while holding a huge . . . . . Q-tip? She sneezes.
ART CARD: ALLERGY SUFFERER OF THE NIGHT
Do you love the Biblical stories? We have a preview of the blockbuster.
ANNOUNCE: (typical dramatic movie voiceover) "Paramount Pictures presents one of the greatest stories of all time, reimagined as you've never seen it before. 'Noah,' starring Russell Crowe, Jennifer Connelly, Emma Watson . . . . and Matt Damon as the animals."
We cut to Mr. Damon in our green room. He makes the noises of many of the animals found of Noah's ark.
ANNOUNCE: 'Noah': Now playing at theaters everywhere."
Vladimir and his wife are divorced. Want to know what Vlad is up to now that he's single? We take a look.
ANNOUNCE (probably the same guy who did the announce for the "Noah" movie promo, but not quite as dramatic --- it's a promo for "The Bachelor") "Coming in April . . . . 25 beautiful women trying for their one chance at love, but only one will get to marry the man of her dreams." (multiple shots of President Putin)
WOMAN: "he's hot!"
ANNOUNCE: "He's powerful. He's charismatic."
WOMAN 2: "So cute! I'm going to marry him to death!"
ANNOUNCE: "He's 'The Bachelor.' Only on ABC."
This just in: what Lady Gaga was holding was not a Q-tip, but just an ordinary cotton swab.
Obamacare is in the news. It seems to be doing much better. Right around here, Paul accidently hits a single "C" on his piano. Dave stops, smiles, and says, "And that means it's time for my song."
Back to Obamacare. It's new and improved. We take a look at this Obamacare announcement:
ANNOUNCE: "The Department of Health and Human Services thanks Americans for complying with the Affordable Care Act, and signing up for health insurance coverage. Now that most all Americans have health insurance, it is acceptable to greet strangers with a kiss on the lips."
Cut to two men in suits walking down a Manhattan street. They stop and give each other a mouth-to-mouth kiss.
ANNOUNCE: "The Department of Health and Human Services . . . Now open until midnight."
Dave turns 67 in a week or so. Dave recaps his 34 year career of his hosting duties. 4014 Late Show here at CBS; 1810 Late Night shows on NBC; and 90 daytime shows. Paul wasn't with Dave at the morning show because Paul couldn't get up that early. That's 5914 shows and covers half of Dave's lifetime behind a desk and in makeup. How much longer can Dave keep at this? Dave has always said that when this show stops being fun, he will retire 10 years later.
And now for a story. Dave and son Harry were out fishing a few months ago in a rowboat or perhaps a canoe. The fish weren't bothering them. In the distance, they see a beautiful bird perched on a tree. They row over to get a better look-see. What it a raptor? Maybe. Or maybe it could have been a pecker. They took a photo of the bird. Dave and Harry hoped it was a Golden Eagle because though such birds exist in the area, they are very rare. There was some thought that it was a young bald eagle. Well, Dave took the photo to work and had it e-mailed to all sorts of places to get a name for the bird. Dave spent hours trying to identify the bird. Turns out, it was a robin. No, no, no. Turns out it was a young bald eagle.
Dave gets home that night and Dave's wife, Regina, asked "How was work?" Dave gets excited and tells her that he thinks he was able to identify the bird. He runs down all he did, who he called, what efforts were made to find out what kind of bird was in the tree. And then Regina says, "That's great . . . . . who was on the show?" Dave had to admit, "I don't remember." This made Dave start to wonder if this is proper for someone running a TV show. If you spend most of your day trying to I.D. birds, should you really be in charge of running a television show.
The "R" word started to ruminate in his mind. And earlier today, Dave called Mr. Les Moonves and they had a chat. Dave told Mr. Moonves that he's been great, the network has been great, but it seems like it's time to retire. And the audience did nothing. Huh? I could imagine what they were thinking. What? Did he just say . . . . Are we supposed to . . . . Wait! What? And this silence went on for about 10 seconds. It almost seemed like the monologue. Dave thanks the network, all the people who have worked here, everybody at home, then concludes, "And what this means now is . . . Paul and I can get married."
The timing hasn't quite been battened down, but it looks like maybe another year or so . . . sometime in 2015.
And then Dave throws to commercial to a standing ovation from the audience.
"I just want to reiterate my thanks for the support from the network, all of the people who have worked here, all of the people in the theater, all the people on the staff, everybody at home, thank you very much. What this means now, is that Paul and I can be married."
I kidded Todd the intern. I told him it was up to him to bring the audience back to the fun and humor. Dave introduces Todd the intern to the desk. We sent him to the Firestone Grand Prix of St. Petersburg last weekend to file a report. Todd represents the best of what the Late Show internship program has to offer. How long has Todd been an intern? Dave thinks a moment and says, "Since 2009."
We meet and greet some of the IndyCar greatest drivers of the day. Todd does seem new to the racing fraternity. "Grand Pricks?" Todd tries to change a tire. Has fun with Oriol Servia in a rental car. Goes Putin for an interview. Imitation of IndyCars. Drinks milk with Bobby Rahal. Rides tandem with Mario Andretti. And congratulates the damp champ, Will Power.
A favorite of many around here. Johnny is just back from China (last night). Dave is fascinated by China. He is amazed at how developed and westernized it is, but also feels that if he went he would be abducted and never seen from again. Does it feel like a strange place to Johnny? Johnny says he feels that every day no matter where he is.
Johnny mentions there are a lot of weepers backstage over Dave's announcement of his retirement. Dave is still getting used to the fact that he made that announcement. Johnny says he was on the verge of weeping, too, especially since he was thinking of announcing his retirement, too.
Dave asks about Johnny's kids. His son is about to turn 12; his daughter almost 15. Johnny says his son is cool and a lot of fun and easy. His daughter . . . . well, she's a daughter . . . they're wonderful things . . . and she's about to turn 15. They wear clothes to school that can be a bit shocking. It's not an easy time for dads. Johnny has wisely learned that to get through to his daughter, he has to send out for help. Dads don't carry much weight when trying to convince your daughter of something. In fact, they will quickly turn 180 to whatever you suggest.
Is that an engagement ring on Johnny? Yup. He's wearing a diamond ring on his left ring finger. He's engaged to actress Amber Heard and he bought an engagement ring. It wasn't the perfect ring, especially since it was much too big, so he bought another one and kept the original for himself.
Was Johnny ever arrested? Dave feels as if you are arrested, that's a good indication that you want to be an actor. Johnny admits to being arrested . . . a few times . . . but by accident. And to think he thought his father would believe that when he tried that on him.
"Transcendence" - it's about the artificial intelligence. It opens April 18th. It looks to be a sci-fi thriller that won't be sci-fi for long.
ANNOUNCE: "Get back here tomorrow for Dave and Billy Crystal, Tony Hale, and Liv Warfield. During the month of April, the Late Show is participating in Light It Up Blue, a global program to promote autism awareness. Look for buildings and landmarks lit up blue, and visit autismspeaks.org for more information.
In his forthcoming tribute album to the late, great Lou Reed, entitled "Lou," Joseph Arthur, along with Mike Mills and Peter Buck of R.E.M., performed "Walk On The Wild Side."
Now that was good stuff. Joseph Arthur . . . looking forward to "Lou". Great job!
And that was our show for Thursday April 03, 2014.
We all knew the day was coming . . . Dave's retirement . . . but it was one of those things none of us wanted to think about. I first discovered Dave back on Johnny's show. I instantly liked him. It was back in my college days and I would make sure to watch whenever he was on. This made Dave part of a very small club. I watched Johnny all the time, but I made sure to watch when Dave was on, Rodney Dangerfield was on, and when Stan Kann was on. They were my three. Upon graduating from the euphoric fun of four years of college, I went back home without money, without a job. That was fine in college, not so at home. Depression settled in. And the only thing that could get me out of bed in the morning was "The David Letterman Show." It made a very vulnerable time for me manageable. I got a job just about the time his morning show went off the air.
Jump ahead decades. I had the opportunity to work as an intern on the Late Show. I was 36. Luckily, some on the show had a sense of humor and decided to give me a shot. Blah blah blah, and I was hired following the internship. And the next thing I know, I'm dressed as a mailman and Dave has me by the throat in a pre-taped "Memo Mate" piece (February 8, 1995). I remember thinking, "What am I doing here?" Dave Letterman had me by the throat!
I remember having a big smile on my face when I was supposed to be in fear of my life.
About an hour before tonight's show, I was called over by my department head for a private conversation. I sensed something was up. She told me that Dave was going to announce his retirement that would take place sometime next year. I always thought Dave would announce his retirement right there on the show and that would be how I would find out. There have been times when Dave would go off script coming back from commercial to tell a tale. I always feared, "Oh, boy, this is it. He's retiring." I went out into the audience for tonight's announcement. I was watching the audience more than I was watching Dave. Yeah . . . the silence from the audience was pretty startling. It was as if they were waiting for the funny. I'm glad I knew this was coming, because re-watching it I realize that Dave never said WHEN he was retiring until the very end. If I was hearing it for the first time as he spoke, I would think his retirement was immediate. Getting a year to prepare is almost a relief. I always thought I'd have a week.
So, there you have it. I always wanted to be here at the end, and it looks like I may make it. I now have to pretty-up my half-page resume for my next venture.
It would have been so much better if Dave made this announcement on Tuesday the 1st.
What I'll miss most about working at the Late Show is the summer schedule.
Hope my daughters enjoy their one year at Villanova and Marist.
Michael Z. McIntee