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Friday, April 4, 2014 LiV Warfield raises the roof of the Ed Sullivan Theater.
Show #4011
Billy Crystal, Tony Hale, and Liv Warfield.
PLUS: Product Placement in Captain America; the Queen and the Pope; an Announcement from Governor Christie; Tiger Woods' Back Surgery; and a Top Ten List.

" . . . and now, with clap-on / clap-off technology . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE:
- "I'm retiring. I knew it was time when my make-up lady, Jane, said to me, 'There's nothing more I can do.'"
- "I announced my retirement . . . and if you thought I was phoning it in before . . . !"

"Captain America: The Winter Soldier" opened today. It looks like Marvel has another hit on their hands, but Dave wishes they would dial back on the product placement. We take a look.
ANNOUNCE: "This Friday, 'Captain America' returns! Don't miss a moment of the action and excitement when the Captain joins forces with a powerful new ally."
We cut to Captain America using a Papa John's pepperoni pizza as his shield. Gunshots heard. Tomato sauce splashes on the pizza/shield.
ANNOUNCE: "'Captain America: The Winter Soldier': starts Friday."

This was nice . . . Queen Elizabeth met with Pope Francis yesterday at the Vatican. From the looks of this, the two got along very well. We cut to a clip of the Queen and the Pope dancing at a country/western bar. We can tell it's the Pope and Queen by the hat and crown they were.

Chris Christie is in hot water this week after an investigation he appointed, cleared him of any wrongdoing. Well, the Governor has everything under control and released this statement.
CHRISTIE ANNOUNCMENT: "After days of criticism, Governor Chris Christie has decided to put to rest any of the controversy surrounding his investigation of the George Washington Bridge closure. This Governor is launching a new investigation of the first investigation. Should this investigation investigation also meet skepticism, the Governor will lead a blue ribbon panel to investigate the investigation investigation. The investigation investigation and the investigation of the investigation investigation will conclude no later than 2017.
Christie 2016: A Division of Fatco."

For the first time in this 20-year career, Tiger Woods will not play in this year's Masters because of back surgery. He had the surgery on Monday and we take a look at a clip of the procedure on Tiger.
We see inside the ER. An announcer quietly broadcast, golf tournament style:
"Woods is now fully sedated and Dr. Charles Rich is set to being the microdiscectomy procedure. And the first incision is . . . . good!"

I enjoyed that a lot more than the audience.

ACT 2:
TOP TEN: HOW TO MAKE YOUR COLLEGE APPLICATION STAND OUT - A Long Island student from William Floyd High School was accepted to all 8 Ivy League colleges. And here with tonight's Top Ten list, that high school senior, Kwasi Enin.
10. Address envelope to 'The Very Handsome Dean of Admissions"
9. Every fifth word: "Heretofore"
3. if you've been to space, mention you've been to space.
2. Personally give it to the dean at home in the middle of the night
1. In the part that says, "For Office Use Only", write "Accept"

Of course, to truly appreciate the high school Ivy College-bound student, watch it on the Late Show website.
And don't forget to check out the Wahoo Gazette while you're there! It's a wry delight.

BILLY CRYSTAL
Dressed in all black. Remember when I used to keep track of such things?
Billy mentions Dave big announcement but is concerned about Paul. Who will he talk to now? Two New York icons are leaving the stage, Dave and New York Yankee Derek Jeter. Derek will have some adjustments to make. "He will now have to date 9s."
Billy is a known Yankee fan but he's also a big Los Angeles Clippers fan. Being a Clipper fan is not easy. He's been with them for 25 years, and they've been awful for 21 of those. Now, the tide has turned. The Clippers are good and the Los Angeles Lakers are bad, and Billy is loving it. And speaking of the Clippers and Lakers, what is this? We take a look at Billy and Jack Nicholson at a game . . . . . kissing. Billy says he can explain. Jack asked Billy if he wanted to go to the Staples Center to watch a Laker/Clipper game. You can't say no to Jack, so Billy went. And then they were caught on the Kiss Cam. When you're caught on the Kiss Cam, well, you have to kiss. Billy looked at Jack and said, "Shall we?" Jack said "OK, Willy, but no tongue."

Billy recently celebrated his 66th birthday. He shares a birthday with his 1-year-old grandson. They recently celebrated together, along with 30 of his grandson's 1-year-old friends. An event like that is unbelievable. It's like 30 zombies stumbling around, stopping, staring at you, then continue to stumble. Billy demonstrates the scene. Make this down as "Odd Dave" or "Odd Guest." It'll be marked for future use. At the party, the kids then got to jump in the ball pit. Says Bill, "I haven't seen so many loose balls on the floor since . . . ." and then he throws it to Dave to finish the joke. Dave thinks a moment and says, "since I showered at the seniors' club." DING! Very impressive. Billy had "Larry King in the shower" but Dave's was right there, if not better.

Billy Crystal Fun Fact: he's allergic to dark chocolate and will go into a sneezing fit whenever he tries some. In college, this is considered a talent. Billy, a shy kid at Marshall University in West Virginia, made friends and money from this. Dark chocolate produced 64 sneezes. He was later hired out for parties.

Billy's Broadway "700 Sundays" is now an HBO special. It debuts on the HBO Saturday, April 19th at 9:00 PM.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "Catch us Monday as Dave welcomes Jason Bateman, Miles Teller, and Gary Allan. Have you been over to the U.N. lately? The place is full of foreigners!"

ACT 6:
TONY HALE
The "Veep" Emmy Award winner! And his wife is also an Emmy winner. She's a make-up artist who won for a Halloween episode on "All My Children." Our makeup artist Jane is up for an Emmy in the category "Best Performance On An Impossible Canvas". Tony, wife, and 8-year-old daughter are booked to go on a cruise. Tony loves cruises but his wife doesn't love them as much. She considers them not much more than a floating shopping mall, which Tony thinks is just great. I was about to suggest this to Tony, but he's already on it. If you are going to go on a cruise with an 8-year-old, go on a Disney Cruise. All you want to do on a cruise is sit by the pool, read, soak the sun, and soak the coladas. And the Disney Cruise will keep your 8-year-old busy busy busy so you don't have to be.

"Veep" is that HBO series starring Julia Louis-Dreyfuss as the Vice President of the United States.. Tony plays her "body man." A "body man" is an actual position assigned to attend to a politician's every need and whim. It's the job for a new kid on the block. It's a 24/7 responsibility. You have no life, no social existence. Unfortunately, Tony's character, a family man, is still at it as a "body man" into his 40's

And what about "Arrested Development"? Dave is a big fan and looks forward to more episodes. Tony says the creator of "Arrested Development," Mitchell Hurwitz (I think that's what he said) is a genius and when he puts out the word, everyone is quick to respond. Dave says he loves the show but is "tired of hearing what a genius Mitchell Hurwitz is." I laughed. Unfortunately, some would probably think Dave is mean and ornery for saying such a thing but it's all a joke. It may be true, but it's still said for a joke. And I would think Hurwitz would get a kick out of it.

"Veep" - the third season premieres this Sunday at 10:30 on the HBO.

ACT 7:
LIV WARFIELD
From her sophomore album, "The Unexpected," Liv Warfield performed "Blackbird."
Yeow and Wow! Give me more Liv Warfield! That was exciting! That was powerful!

And that was our show for Friday April 4, 2014.

Kwasi Enin . . . the high school kid accepted to all eight Ivies . . . dang it, he was smooth and cool and confident. I've never been considered smooth, cool or confident.
Hold it. My head . . . . my head has been called "smooth."
Can you name the eight Ivy League colleges?

Liv Warfield - she's performing this Sunday at B.B. King's right here in New York City.

Dave's retiring in 2015 . . . I hope that's enough time to get to my "Dave's Ventriloquism Promo."

Cellphone may cause impotence? Well, that probably causes some booty-call problems.

I bought some golf balls the other day. They're the size of hail stones.

Hold it . . . wait . . this means the Wahoo Gazette will be gone in a year, too. I think this deserves a Lifetime internet Achievement Award. The Wahoo Gazette - a blog before there was a word "blog"

The Eight Ivies:
Brown, Columbia, Cornell, Dartmouth, Harvard, Penn, Princeton, and Yale.
And now for my local Wahoo readers, can you name all the SUNY's?

I owe a lot to Dave. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't be working at the Late Show.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Irvine, California, by way of Flushing, New York and Mississippi State University, it's Geoff Fox.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike


Tonight's Guests

Mark Harmon
"Jungle" Jack Hanna

Wahoo Gazette Archive

Saturday, September 13
Is George Clooney having second thoughts?
Thursday, September 11
Billy Eichner and Dave enjoy a screaming match.
Wednesday, September 10
Dr. Phil gets the Big Red treatment.
Tuesday, September 9
Dave & Michael Strahan and their mutual admiration society.
Monday, September 8
Dave and Vladimir: Just a couple guys talking about Dairy Queen.