Rob Lowe, Brooklyn Decker, and London Grammar.
PLUS: Dave is Late; What's New with Zebras; Parliamentary Procedures; a CBS Exec Pays a Visit; Steven Seagal; Bush and Clinton at the Basketball Game, Dave Before the Show; BuzzFeed Quiz; and a Top Ten List with Area Accountants.
" . . . . . and now, yours for the next one hour . . . . . . . . . David Letterman!"
I was backstage waiting my cue. Yeah, that's right, I'm in a Broadway theater and I just said "I was backstage waiting my cue." It's amazing where life can take us sometimes.
Where's Dave? We wait, and we wait. And then over by the old cue card alley doors, behind and to Alan's left, appears Dave. He took a circuitous route to the stage tonight. He got the idea from Kate in the audience.
Cue Card Alley? Behind those side doors is a covered, dark and damp alley. Years ago, Dave and Tony would go over the monologue back there during rehearsal. Now they do that in Dave's office
Do you like stories about zebras? Seems like Dave is taking ideas from Kate. She requested this before the show. She wanted to know if zebras are white with black stripes, or black with white stripes. We now have new information. We take a look at this that may explain . . . something.
ANNOUNCE: "The evolutionary reason for stripes on a zebra has long mystified scientists. Now, new research indicates that the stripe pattern helps ward off biting flies."
Cut to a shot of three sales people from Foot Locker in their referee/Foot Locker shirts
ANNOUNCE: "Who's laughing now? Foot Locker, where biting flies are the customer's problem."
And now my Foot Locker story. A friend and I were visiting a downtown bar here in Manhattan. It was the most seediest, dirtiest, filthy bar I may have ever been in. It was the type of bar where you would try to drink a bottle of beer without your lips touching the bottle. The clientele was beyond shady. Mean . . . dangerous . . . drug addicted. It was 11:00 AM. A guy to my right, just off from getting off on something, was chattering to anyone who would listen, but mostly chattering to himself. A guy at the other end of the bar was deep in thought as he seemed mesmerized by his near-empty glass of beer. The chattering guy says to this huge, monstrous looking guy, "Hey, where'd you get that shirt?" The guy's eyes rise slowly. He studies the man with the question. If felt like high noon at the OK Corral. The man, bubbling with rage and desperation, lowly snarls and mumbles, " . . . . Foot Locker."
And now it's time for "Parliamentary Procedure: Ukraine Edition"
ART CARD: PARLIAMENTARY PROCEDURE: UKRAINE EDITION
Cut to happy, peppy, drive-in intermission-type music. The scene is from the floor of the Ukraine Parliament. A donnybrook of monument scope is taking place.
ART CARD: PARLIAMENTARY PROCEDURE: UKRAINE EDITION
ED.NOTE - "'A donnybrook of monument scope' is taking place" --- I stole that from the "Trinity" written by Leon Uris. I've always loved that line.
Out of the clip, we find a man in dapper attire standing by Dave. He is holding a folder containing important papers. Dave has no idea who this person is. It's actually me, playing a CBS executive.
DAVE: "Oh, hello. And who are you?"
CBS EXECUTIVE: "I am Mitch Irwin, CBS Vice-President of Late Night Programming, East Coast."
DAVE: "Hello, Mitch. What can I do for you?"
CBS EXEC: "Remember last week, when you said it's time to move on?"
DAVE: "Yes. I was just talking about that. Yes, I do remember that."
CBS EXEC: "And then you said you were going to retire next year."
DAVE: "That's right."
CBS EXEC: "Is there any chance we could get that in writing?"
DAVE: "Uh, yeah, I guess so."
The CBS Exec opens his folder and has Dave sign the important papers. On his own, Dave decides to also initial the paper. While Dave is signing the papers, the CBS Exec says a few ad-lib lines in hopes of getting a principle payment vs. the U-Five.
CBS EXEC: "Great. Here you go. Right here. That's terrific."
DAVE: "OK . . . . there you go."
CBS EXEC: "That's wonderful. Great. Thanks." (looking off to the side) "Notary?"
A notary public enters and stamps the documents just signed by Dave.
CBS EXEC: "That's great. Great! Keep up the good work, Dave. Thank you."
The exec and notary exit.
As I review my performance, I am upset that I referred to Dave as "Dave" before exiting. Should have been "Mr. Letterman." It was scripted as "Dave" but I should have gone with "Mr. Letterman."
As per Paul Shaffer's request, it's time now for "Parliamentary Procedure: Taiwan Edition"
ARC CARD: "PARLIAMENTARY PROCEDURE: TAIWAN EDITION"
Cut to happy, peppy, drive-in intermission-type music. The scene is from the floor of the Taiwan Parliament. A donnybrook of monument scope is taking place.
ART CARD: PARLIAMENTARY PROCEDURE: TAIWAN EDITION
Steven Seagal . . you know him, right? He's the guy who makes terrible "beat 'em up" movies that you have to watch at least a few minutes of whenever you come across one. Well, he's "threatened" to move to Russia. We take a look at his last visit to Russia. We see Mr. Seagal dancing some kinda chicken dance with some native Russians. But Seagal emigrating to Russia would be devastating to America's economy (this is a comedy show remember). We take a look.
ANNOUNCE: "If actor Steven Seagal relocates to Russia, sales of domestically-produced hair loss concealer spray will plummet . . . . (We see scenes from the Hair-in-a-Can infomercial) ". . . bankrupting our hair concealer mineral mines and the communities that surround them, threatening an already-fragile economy."
Split screen of a receding hairlined Seagal, and a Seagal with the painted-on hair.
ANNOUNCE: "Keep Steven Seagal in the United States. Paid for by the U. S. Mineral Miners Council."
Ed.note - The "Hair-in-a-Can" doesn't work.
More? Paul wants another one. We take a look.
ART CARD: "PARLIAMENTARY PROCEDURE INDIA EDITION"
Cut to happy, peppy, drive-in intermission-type music. The scene is from the floor of the India Parliament. A donnybrook of monument scope is taking place.
ART CARD: PARLIAMENTARY PROCEDURE: INDIA EDITION
Congratulations to the UCONN Huskies men and women for being crowned the NCAA basketball champions. Presidents Bill Clinton and George W. Bush were at the men's game Monday at the Dallas Cowboys football stadium. We take a look.
ANNOUNCE: "At the NCAA Men's Basketball championship, President Clinton sat with George W. Bush. During the second half, Bush tried and failed to catch a foul ball."
Cut to George W. Bush with a baseball mitt while at the basketball game.
ANNOUNCE: "This joke is provided by the new 500,000-square-foot George W. Bush Presidential Joke Library. Mention this announcement and receive a free 16-ounce soda."
Paul and the band will be performing as the house band Thursday night at the Barclays Center in Brooklyn for the 29th Rock and Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony. Dave makes his annual plea to get Paul and the CBS Orchestra into the Hall. If the Hall of Fame doesn't find them worthy, well then, they are nothing more than a Stuckey's.
Stuckey's is a highway restaurant stop that Dave is not sure still exists. There used to be one near the Cortland exit when I attended college back . . . ugh . . . back in the late 70's.
Dave is tired of having to answer the question about how he prepares for the show each night. Dave decided to videotape it so he would no longer have to address the question. We take a look at an old gent taking his daily assortment of pills.
TOP TEN: ACCOUNTANT PET PEEVES - A week from tonight, your 2013 tax returns are due. Accountants are working around the clock to take care of the last minuters. And here with tonight's Top Ten list, ten area accountants. Helping out tonight:
Bob Manger, Ann Timney, Adele Valenzuela, Lou DeFalco, Joe Pagliuca, Whitney Boyd, Richard Koenigsberg, Doug Cohen, and Harvey Tanton
Watch the presentation of the Top Ten on the Late Show website. And watch the entrance. The guy third from the end . . . he was secretly giving the finger as he entered, as a joke I guess. We had to blur it out. I'm sure that made the Late Show staffer who recommended him feel real good.
He's just completed his 2nd memoir. Why didn't he get it all in on the first memoir? Rob says he came up with a new story about Stuckey's that didn't get in the first one. And there were some stories that were too provocative to put in the first one. Those stories would dominate the conversation and take away from the other stuff. Rob held off, and put those stories in his 2nd memoir, "Love Life."
Rob Lowe is one of the great pretend-saxophone players in the world. In the film from 30 years ago, "St. Elmo's Fire," Rob Lowe pretended to play the saxophone. He pretended so well that many thought he was actually playing. Jump ahead some decades. Rob Lowe is attending a concert with President Clinton. Rob is invited to come on stage to play the saxophone. There would be an actual saxophonist playing backstage and everyone would think it was Rob. And it was planned that Rob would stop to have a drink of water in the middle of the performance to show that he wasn't actually playing. But the response from the crowd was so rewarding, Rob didn't let on. He kept playing and let the audience believe it was him. Rob admits his ego got the best of him. Weeks later he received a call from President Clinton. The President wanted to play a sax duet with Rob. Uh oh. But it turns out Clinton knew Rob was a fake and was merely playing a practical joke. Barbra Streisand spilled the beans to the President.
Rob has two sons. Much to his surprise, he cried like a baby when his oldest went off to college. He never saw that coming. He says he'll be better prepared for the second one going off. Rob says he's taken up drinking.
Rob Lowe's "Love Life" - in stores now.
Dave at the desk is interrupted by . . .
ANNOUNCE: "It's time to take a Buzz Feed Quiz."
Dave is confused throughout.
ANNOUNCE: "Tonight's quiz: What kind of ungulate would you be?
Question 1: Would you rather live on a farm, on the tundra, or on the African plains?"
Dave, still confused, chooses "African plains.
ANNOUNCE: "Question 2: Do you look best in stripes, humps, or horns."
ANNOUNCE: "Final question: Would you rather be bolted in the head in a slaughterhouse, eviscerated by a grizzly bear, or devoured by a crocodile?"
Dave wouldn't mind all three, but picks "devoured by a crocodile"
ANNOUNCE: "Congratulations! You're a wildebeest."
A wildebeest head appears over Dave's.
ANNOUNCE: "See you next time on the BuzzFeed Quiz."
This was like one of those Facebook quizzes, that I haven't yet participated, that ends up with someone saying, "I'm the Tin Man."
Tonight's inductees into the Backstage Photo Club: Producer Sarah Connel.
"Join us for tomorrow's Late Show, with Dave's guests Lindsay Lohan, the 13-year-old who built a nuclear fusion reactor, Jamie Edwards, and Real Estate. Not a fan of "Travel Size" products. When I travel, I want people to be impressed by how much shampoo and toothpaste I own."
The supermodel turned actress. The name "Brooklyn" has become quite popular lately, both the borough and as a first name. How/why was Brooklyn named "Brooklyn." She says the family horse was named Brooke. As a bit of a joke, dad suggested they name the new baby girl Brooklyn, after their horse. Mom, surprisingly, liked the idea. Dave says he thinks it's a good idea to be named after any of the city's boroughs. Lots of kids these days are being named Staten Island.
Brooklyn is busy trying to adjust her mini and complains her "shorts are giving me a wedgie," adding "It's not working for me." Dave advises her, "Well, it's working just fine for me."
Brooklyn says she was not a very good model. What? Yes, she says she's a big awkward and clumsy and her hands are too big. Yeah, but who is looking at her hands? She says when she models clothes, she is often instructed to place her hands up by the lapel. But she feels her hands are enormous. They hide too much of the garment. She says the advertisers would often photoshop someone else's hands into the shot; somebody who could hold their hands in a more elegant fashion. Dave suggests, "The next time someone says anything about your hands" show them this with your hand" . . . and then Dave throws up the middle finger. Brooklyn joins in. Dave and Brooklyn, giving the finger. Wow! That's like old Brooklyn . . . the 1970s Brooklyn boro. Today's 2014 boro of Brooklyn is more pretentious and boringly proper.
Brooklyn now stars in the new CBS series, "Friends With Better Lives" - Mondays at 8:30 PM.
"Friends With Better Lives" . . . . I think that's another name for Facebook.
From their album, "If You Wait," London Grammar performed "Strong."
And that was our show for Tuesday April 08, 2014.
Before the show, I mentioned to Tony Cue Cards that I was thinking of adding something go the sheet of paper Dave was to sign in my CBS Exec bit. It was an official form with a space for Dave to sign. I told Tony I was thinking of hand-printing in, "Sign here, asshole." Tony laughed and said I would be his hero if I did that. I thought about it, but decided against it since I need this last year of work. I'm curious, though, what Dave's reaction would have been.
Now that Dave has announced his retirement, my Q rating in the neighborhood has really taken a hit.
My wife signed my up on the Linkedin. Now I have to find out what it is.
We received a movie from the Netflix in the mail the other day, "The Last Quartet." I think if you're a Netflix member and you don't order a movie, they'll send you one they think you'll like, or one they're trying to move, like the specials at the restaurant down the block. I read a summary of "The Last Quartet" and see that it stars Christopher Walken and Phillip Seymour Hoffman. This is good and bad. Good in that it stars Walken and Hoffman; bad in that if they are in it and I never heard of the movie, then it can't be too good. Turns out it was OK, but there must be something wrong with me. It happens all the time when I watch a movie that takes place in New York City. One of the guys in the string quartet starts dilly-dallying with the teenage/young-twenty-something daughter of two from the quartet. The mother realized something was up when she visited her daughter in downtown Manhattan and saw the guy's car parked outside the apartment. Now, in Manhattan, you never find a parking space right in front of where you want to go. There was no way the guy would have had a parking spot right there. Plus, he lived in the city, too, and he would have taken a cab. But OK, so let's say he DID find a parking space right in front of the apartment building. When he goes upstairs and his young girlfriend lets him in, does he say anything about his great parking spot? NO! C'mon, any guy who decides to drive to the Village and then finds a spot right in front of the apartment building of his girlfriend, the parking space would be the topic of discussion for the next half hour! The fact that he never mentioned it was beyond belief. The movie lost me right there.
And then later in the movie, Christopher Walken seems to contemplate suicide when he looks down to the street from his terrace. My immediate reaction when we see the street below from his point of view . . . . "Wow! Look at those two parking spots!"
Am I the only New Yorker who measures a movie's credibility by the availability of city parking? I can't be. There must be others like me. I always make note of the parking when I watch a movie that takes place in the city. I've thought of scripting a two-hour movie that takes place inside a car of a guy looking for a parking spot in Manhattan. Something like, "Comedians In Cars Looking For A Parking Spot."
I've told this parking story before but since I'm on the subject, I'll tell it again . . . a shortened version. Denise and I went out to eat with friends of friends here in the city. We had never met them but Denise did them a favor and they wanted to take us out to eat. We met them on the West Side and I drove us to a restaurant off Lexington Avenue in the low 50s. As I pull up to the restaurant on the side street, I tell them I'll let them out and I'll find a spot. But what do I find but a spot right in front of the restaurant . . . RIGHT IN FRONT! I get out and check the signs, and then recheck, and then recheck again. It was a good spot! I couldn't believe our luck! We enter the restaurant together and all I want to talk about is the parking space. "This never happens" I explain to the out-of-towners, but they don't seem to share my glee. I go on about how rare it is to find a spot right in front of where you want to go but they seemed more interested in what was on the menu. It was terribly frustrating. I saw glumly, disappointed that I couldn't share my joy with anybody. Ten minutes later, a couple is seated at the table next to us. As the gentlemen sits, he looks over at me and says, "Are you the one who got that parking space right in front of the restaurant?" I nearly jumped out of my seat, "YES!" I exclaimed. He replies with admiration and jealousy, "I was right behind you! I was so mad when you took the spot!" We then talked about the parking spot for 5 more minutes, much to the consternation of our tablemates. It may have been the best dinner conversation I ever had.
When it was time to leave, our dinner companions went their own way. Denise was ready to go and she waited for me to open her door. "But don't you want to look at this spot for a few minutes?" I asked. No, she didn't. I really didn't want to leave the spot. I wish I had a iPhone back then.
And when I did pull out, I wanted to linger awhile to see the joy on the face of the next guy who parked there.
"The Last Quartet" - meh . . . I give it one-and-a-half parking spots.
Whoa! I just checked my AOL e-mail . . . I have hundreds of Linkedin responses. What am I supposed to do with this? I don't have to talk to people, do I? Should I now wait for something to happen?
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From the AFL newsgroup, it's Diane Ca . . . I mean, a fan of Dick Van Patten's pet food, it's Karen Mulligan.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Michael Z. McIntee