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Wednesday, April 9, 2014 How does Lindsay Lohan like her scrambled eggs?
Show #4013
Lindsay Lohan, Jamie Edwards, and Real Estate.
PLUS: Tony’s Spanish response; the staff’s response to Dave’s announcement; product placement in “Captain America”; a Chris Christie announcement; a Top Ten list; and how Dave makes eggs.

“ . . . . . and now, king of the surf guitar . . . . . . . David Letterman!”

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE

-“Derek Jeter announced this will be his final year. I hate it when a guy announces his retirement a year in advance and then milks it for cheap sentiment.

About his announced retirement, Dave says he knew it was time to go when Tony Cue Cards said, “Mr. Letterman, I can’t write the jokes any bigger.” Dave asks Tony if he remembers when he said that. Tony responds in his native tongue of Spanish, obviously pitching for a job on Telemundo.

The staff has taken the announcement of Dave’s retirement pretty hard. Dave shows what he saw this morning as he arrived to work.
We cut to see a clip of staffers walking out of the supply closet with boxes and boxes of pilfered goods. Or as I call it . . . Friday.

“Captain America: The Winter Soldier” is doing boffo business. It’s another huge hit for Marvel, but Dave wishes they would dial it back a bit on the product placement. We take a look.
ANNOUNCE: “Captain America returns! Don’t miss a moment of the action and excitement when the Captain joins forces with a powerful new ally.”
Quick cut to the Papa John’s pizza guy.
PAPA JOHN: “Hi, I’m Papa Johns”
Cut to Captain barging in somewhere to save the world. Instead of his patriotic shield, he holds a large pepperoni pizza. Bullets ricochet off.
ANNOUNCE: “’Captain America: The Winter Solder” – starts Friday.”

This was nice . . . Queen Elizabeth met with Pope Francis last week at the Vatican. From the looks of this, the two got along very well. We cut to a clip of the Queen and the Pope dancing at a country/western bar. We can tell it’s the Pope and Queen by the hat and crown they were.

Chris Christie is in hot water this week after an investigation he appointed, cleared him of any wrongdoing. Well, the Governor has everything under control and released this statement.
CHRISTIE ANNOUNCMENT: “After days of criticism, Governor Chris Christie has decided to put to rest any of the controversy surrounding his investigation of the George Washington Bridge closure. This Governor is launching a new investigation of the first investigation. Should this investigation investigation also meet skepticism, the Governor will lead a blue ribbon panel to investigate the investigation investigation. The investigation investigation and the investigation of the investigation investigation will conclude no later than 2017.
Christie 2016: A Division of Fatco.”

ACT 2:
I don’t recall what I was doing but I missed most of the Top Ten and the Lindsay Lohan segment. It was still unsure what we were going to do after Lindsay. We had a few things to choose from and which it would be was still undecided. I was trying to cover all the bases.

TOP TEN: LEAST SUCCESSFUL FILM SEQUELS – Captain America: The Winter Soldier is setting records! Nearly $100 million domestically in its opening weekend; over 200 million internationally.
LEAST SUCCESSFUL FILM SEQUELS
10. “The Godfather III Part II”
8. “Die Harderer”
7. “The Thing 2: The Other Thing”
5. “Wuthering Widths”

My single submission . . . just in case.
“The Wizard of Ozzie and Harriet”

LINDSAY LOHAN
Dave admires her piano dress. Did you know Lindsay was here . . or over there . . with Dave on the show 21 years ago? She was one of the new Halloween Costume participants on Late Night – October 29, 1992. Her costume was “stuff found on the floor of the D Train.”
Lindsay is excited about her appearance on the CBS series, “2 Broke Girls.” Which will air this Monday night, April 14th, on CBS. It is taped in front of a LIVE audience, something thrilling and scary for Lindsay. She’s also the subject of the docu-series “Lindsay” on the Oprah OWN network. Cameras follow her around to watch how she struggles to keep the demons of addiction out of her life. But they lurk around every corner. Is she clean now? Lindsay says she is and Dave congratulates her on her continued battle. Dave says he is an alcoholic and getting rid of that imprisoning dependency is freeing and empowering. But you never quite get rid of it. It’s always waiting around the corner or hiding in the closet or lurking . . . waiting . . . in the attic.

To help in her fight, Lindsay calls Oprah every day for support and strength. Oprah has introduced Lindsay to meditation and offered spiritual guidance. Since Lindsay talks to Oprah daily . . . can we talk to Oprah now? Dave gets Oprah’s phone number and gives Ms. O a call.
And she answers! Wow! She picked up Dave’s phone call. That’s surprising! You would think Oprah would have caller I.D. Oprah sings the praises of Lindsay’s struggles and offers continued encouragement. And mutual invitations are offered between Dave and Oprah to visit each other.
“2 Broke Girls” – Mondays at 8 PM on CBS. Lindsay will be on this week. “Lindsay” – Sunday nights at 10:00 PM on the OWN network.

ACT 4:
During Lindsay segment, there was much talk about breakfast. This is what Dave makes for breakfast. Get a carton of eggs. Crack ‘em, making sure you don’t get speckles of shell in the mix. Whip ‘tem up with a fork. Add some half-and-half. Mix it some more. Add a half-pat of butter. Pour the eggs into a frying and when the eggs start to coalesce and begin to bubble, give it a little flip. Slide the egg dish onto a plate . . . . and add mustard.
Mustard? Really? Yes, really. And Dave prefers Plochman’s yellow mustard. French’s yellow will do in a pinch, but you’ll never find anything better than Plochman’s. Dave beams, “Plochman’s . . . best yellow mustard on earth. It’s like a single malt scotch.”

Going into commercial, we see a bumper of bacon and eggs. It reminded me of a Late Night bumper of years ago.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE:
“We’re doing it again tomorrow with Dave and his guests Zach Braff, former Army Sergeant Brendan Marrocco and surgeon Dr. Andrew lee, and Future Islands. Okay, I got around a year to pay off my gambling debts.”

ACT 6:
JAMIE EDWARDS

At the age of 13, Jamie became the youngest person in history to build a nuclear fusion reactor.
Jamie has always been interested in science. One day he was playing around on the internet looking up science things and came across a story of a kid in Nevada who created fusion in his garage. Jamie said, “I can do that” and off he went.
OK . . . what the heck is a nuclear fusion reactor? Jamie explains that fusion is the smashing of atoms together to create energy. And how is that different from fission? Fission involves splitting the nucleus of an atom, which then releases energy. Fusion is what takes place in the sun. Right now, nuclear fusion produces less energy than it takes to make. The goal, obviously, is to make it more efficient.

Jamie Edwards . . the kid’s got a bright future! Heh heh heh, see what I did there? Please, never repeat that joke and if you do, never credit me. I want nothing to do with it. I just added it to take up space.

The best part about Jamie Edwards is he’s just a regular kid. He’s probably spends all day playing cricket and riding his bike. When his friends go home to play with their Legos, Jamie goes home to create energy.

ACT 7:
REAL ESTATE

From their album, “Atlas,” the band from Brooklyn performed “Talking Backwards”

And that was our show for Wednesday, April 09, 2014.

I think I’m a lot like Jamie Edwards, except I like to create things from junk in my garage. I’m currently building a camping canopy and a pool table from scraps of junk that Denise wants me to throw out. More than once I’ve said to her, “Throw that out? But that’s a good piece of wood!”

Immediately after the show, I find Pat Farmer. Almost in unison we exclaim in disbelief, “Yellow mustard?” We both had Dave down as a spicy brown guy. Yellow mustard . . . I don’t know about that. I knew he was a mustard fan, but I always thought it was spicy brown. And I know he frowns on anyone using ketchup on a hot dog instead of mustard. I’m in Dave’s corner on this. I’m not sure if you can add too much mustard to a hot dog. Ketchup makes a hot dog taste like really really cheap meat. Yes, I know a hot dog is really really cheap meat, but it doesn’t have to taste like it.
Oh, and since grilling season is upon us, never go cheap on hot dogs. Nothing worse than a cheap hot dog, but nothing better than a good one.

Oh, wait! I just did a quick Google-look on Plochman’s mustard. They’re the makers of Kosciusko spicy brown mustard. I know that brand. It’s my dad’s favorite! Oh, yeah, I know the Plochman’s!
Here’s something . . . if you’re battling the tugs of addiction, catch your breath and ease your struggle by clicking on www.12stepmeeting.com and/or www.steppinout.com
True stories of inspiration . . . and transformation. It’s a wry delight! No, I’m sorry, that’s the Wahoo Gazette. It’s the Wahoo Gazette that’s been called a wry delight. www.12stepmeeting.com and/or www.steppinout.com is not the Wahoo . . . it can only save your life. Check it out. I’m sure there is something there for you to use.

Following my little skit the other night as the CBS exec with Dave, it dawned on me that my television appearances are coming to an end. In a year, that’ll be it. A lot of “this is the last” are coming up.

Saw my first replay-rule in effect in the Yankee/BlueJay game the other day. The Yankee who was originally called out was found to be safe in the replay. The third out turned into a man on first. Moments later, he scored on a double. The replay rule benefitted the Yankees . . . . but I hate it! I hate the replay rule. And then I took a peek at the Red Sox/Texas Ranger game on ESPN. Oy vey. ESPN now puts up a hideous and cartoonish blue square/red square matrix to indicate a batter’s average depending on where the pitch is thrown. Who’s idea? C’mon, who’s idea was this, and who then said, “Yeah, good idea.” Show me one homeviewer who said, “Ooh, good, I like the little blue and red squares.” I did a quick Google search and found nothing about this. Maybe it was just for one inning, which would be one inning too long. My conclusion . . . MLB and ESPN are doing this to appeal to the younger demographic who grew up playing XBOX baseball instead off sandlot baseball.

Time now for “Late Show The Day They Were Born.”
Jamie Edwards was born March 09, 2000.
So, what happened on the Late Show the day Jamie Edwards was born?
It was the last guest host show during Dave’s recovery from the quintuple!
Thursday, March 9, 2000 – Show #GH6
Guest host, Dana Carvey. Mr. Carvey’s guests: Jon Lovitz; Cindy Margolis; Al Franken; and Chef, Rocco DiSpirito.
And that’s what happened on the Late Show the day Jamie Edwards was born.

UPCOMING PREVIOUSLY-VIEWED PROGRAM – due to Masters Highlights and our heavenly master holy week.
THURSDAY – from 3/03/14; show #3994 – Zach Braff, Sgt. Brendan Marrocco and Dr. Andrew Lee, and Future Islands, featuring the dancing machine!
FRIDAY – from 3/05/14 -; show #3996 – Tom Selleck, Carrie Brownstein, and David Nail.
MONDAY – from 3/25/14; #4005 – Emma Watson, Nick Offerman, and The Strypes.
TUESDAY – from 4/02/14; #4009 – Bill Murray, Martha Stewart, and Lady Gaga.
WEDNESDAY – from 3/12/14 - #4001 – Sylvester Stallone, Theo James, and Ledisi.
THURSDAY – from 4/04/14 - #4011 – Billy Crystal, Tony Hale, Liv Warfield, and a top ten from the Ivy League kid Kwasi Enin.
FRIDAY – from 3/13/14 - #4002 – Bryan Cranston, Melissa Rauch, and Le1f.

Check the Wahoo Gazette archives and make your plans accordingly.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
He knows more about my money than I do, from Poughkeepsie, New York by way of Green Road, Spring Valley, it’s birthday boy Harold Glassberg.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

Wahoo Gazette Archive

Tuesday, August 19
Dave welcomes #1 ranked tennis star Novak Djokovic.
Monday, August 18
Funny people: 2 out of 4 ain't bad.
Thursday, July 31
Costume Designer Sue Hum not bothering Dave.
Wednesday, July 30
A visit from Dave's pool boy.
Tuesday, July 29
"Guardians of the Galaxy" looks like a sure-fire hit.