CBS

Search By Date
M T W Th F
Tuesday, April 22, 2014 Dave and "the new kid" pose for a selfie.
Show #4015
Stephen Colbert, Robin Roberts, and Kelis.
PLUS:
Earth Day; a CBS News Special Report; the President Reads to the Kids; a Top Ten List; and Alan Kalter with an Earth Day Message.

" . . . . . and now, former reality star turned DJ . . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE
- "It's Earth Day today. Charlie Sheen celebrated by picking up some trash." Dave says we do that joke every year. Reuse, Recycle, Reduce.
- "71% of the earth is made up of water . . . no, wait . . . that's Yankee Stadium beer."

Happy Earth Day. What did you get it?

Since it's Earth Day, we thought it would be a good idea to salute it when it does something good. It's "Way To Go, Earth!" We take a look.
ART CARD: WAY TO GO, EARTH
We see a news anchor report: "Female insects with penises have been discovered in Brazil."
ART CARD: WAY TO GO, EARTH

Interrupt: A CBS News Special Report. CBS News rudely interrupts Dave and the Late Show with this announcement. "This is a CBS News Special Report. The not-for-profit Father's Day/Mother's Day Council has just recognized Governor Chris Christie as its Father of the Year."
- The word 'father' contains the word 'fat'
- Governor Christie is fat.
Announce: "This has been a CBS News Special Report, a production of FatCo."

The White House held their annual Easter Egg Roll yesterday. It seemed like a great day for all those in attendance but things did take an odd turn. We see the President outdoors reading a story to some antsy-with-anticipation kids. But it's not a sweet Easter story. It's a pitch for his Affordable Healthcare.

ACT 2:
TOP TEN: THINGS OVERHEARD AT JESUS' WEDDING - an ancient document analyzed by scientists, historians, and theologians suggests that Jesus was married.
10. "On His Wedding Day You'd Think He'd Shave"
9. "I Didn't Know Jesus Was So Religious"
8. "Look Out -- Here Comes The Lepers"
7. "Who Invited Judas?"
6. "Should've Used The Temple In Salt Lake City"
5. "You Think She'll Convert?"
4. "Great -- Another Day To Celebrate Jesus"
3. "This Wine Tastes Watery"
2. "Look -- Regis Is Here"
1. "I Give It A Month"

See my submissions for tonight's Top Ten below.

STEPHEN COLBERT
Paul's intro song: "Walk Right In"
Walk right in, sit right down
Daddy, let your mind roll on
Walk right in, sit right down
Daddy, let your mind roll on

Colbert and Dave have had quite a couple weeks. Dave announced his impending retirement from the Late Show, and then it was announced that Stephen Colbert would be taking over. I am very happy with the announcement. I would hate to kiss-up to people I didn't need to. Dave says it's been a fun and interesting few days since the announcement. Colbert plans to do what Dave has done when he takes over since it has gone so well. Dave smiles and says it's simply "gone on," implying that it hasn't always gone on "so well."

This isn't the first time Colbert has come close to working with Dave. Back in 1986, he went to Late Night at NBC to offer support to his girlfriend who was applying to be an intern. While she was being interviewed, Stephen sat out in the lobby. A head poked in and asked if he was the next to be interviewed. Stephen explained that he was just here for his girlfriend. He was then asked if he wanted to be interviewed. Sure, why not? Turns out, he was hired; she wasn't. DOH! But Stephen being the good boyfriend, turned down the opportunity to intern. No, it wasn't out of loyalty to his girlfriend. Stephen explained that New York City is an expensive place to live on an intern's non-salary. He will be paid for his future gig here.

Dave is always curious about Stephen's adventurous vacation adventures. Last time he was here, Stephen and the family traveled to New Zealand and did some bungee jumping. At least that was on the itinerary. Only one of the boys took advantage of the opportunity. Anything else like that planned in the future? Not really. He expects to be quite busy. Stephen says he'll be working on his "Colbert Report" show up till the end of the year, and then prepare for the Late Show when Dave steps down. Stephen tosses in a question we've all been wondering . . . . "and when are you leaving?" Dave laughs and doesn't provide an answer.

In an attempt to appeal to the key demographic, Colbert wants to take a selfie of he and Dave. Dave and Stephen semi-cuddle to get the shot. The selfie was expected. I pitched this idea. After Colbert's selfie with the modern iPhone all the kids have, I suggested Dave take a Dave/Colbert selfie with a Polaroid camera. BUZZ.

Stephen shares a Brush With Greatness he had with Dave when he applied to be a writer here at the Late Show. He and his writing partner sent in a writing packet back in 1997. They heard nothing for four months. By the time they got a response, Stephen and friend were working on the fledgling "Strangers With Candy" TV show. 17 years ago, this Top Ten was part of their writing submission.
TOP TEN COCKTAILS FOR SANTA
10. Rusty Blitzen - one ounce scotch, one ounce Drambuie; twist of venison.
9. Mama said nog you out - 3 fingers of egg nog, 1 finger of either.
8. Pa rum pa pum rum - open can of fruit cocktail, add two ounces rum, enjoy responsibly.
7. Vodka giblet - one part vodka, any part turkey organ
6. Scrooge driver - grain alcohol, and regret
5. No room at the gin - chill martini glass, fill with gin until there is no room for anything else.
4. On comet, on cupid, on dasher, wine spritzer.
3. King of the Juice - any available juice, any available liquor, wedge of matzo.
2. Jack Frost - equal parts jack Daniels; and snow (seasonal)
1. Silent Nighttrain.

ACT 4:
This being Earth Day, our announcer Alan Kalter asked if he could say a few words. These are the few words he spewed.
ALAN: "Thank you very much, Dave. Regular readers of my blog know it's been a big month for the Alan Kalter Environmental Fund. At last year's gala we set a fundraising target of $75,000, and I'm thrilled to announce tonight, just in time for Earth Day, we have reached our goal. And thanks to your generous support, the Alan Kalter Environmental Fund can complete the next phase of its mission: installing a retractable cover on my pool. This cover will insulate my pool on chilly nights, preventing heat from escaping, and saving an estimated $40 a month on my energy bills.
Everybody, Happy Earth Day!
Back to you, duckface."

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "Be sure to catch tomorrow's Late Show, with Dave and his guests Sally Field, Timothy Simons, and Needtobreathe! I'm still a little foggy from the anesthesia. I had my appendix removed in 1992."

ACT 6:
ROBIN ROBERTS
From ABC's "Good Morning America" and the author of her book, "Everybody's Got Something." Before her intro, Dave feels as if he knows Robin Roberts even though they have never met. She's a TV friend, Dave! Just like you! People feel as if they know you after spending so many hours together.
Dave has a bevy of questions for the courageous cancer survivor, and admits his questions are borne out of ignorance. Robin successfully battled breast cancer through chemo and radiation. But due to the chemo, Robin suffered a very rare side-effect. Chemo brought on MDS --- myelodysplastic syndrome, which attacks the immune system. It's sort of like pre-leukemia, a rare bone marrow and blood disorder. Luckily, her sister was a perfect match for a bone marrow transplant. It was not an easy procedure. Robin had to go through chemo for 10 consecutive days. Her immune system had to be stripped down to near nothing and then built back up. Her breast cancer was diagnosed and treated 7 years ago. How is she now? Robin proudly says, "I am healthier and happier than I've ever been." And what a trip it's been.

It's all in the book, "Everybody's Got Something." In stores today.

ACT 7:
KELIS (keh-LEESE, like 'Police')
From her new album, "Food," in stores today, Kelis performed "Jerk Ribs."

And that was our show for Tuesday April 22, 2014.

TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD AT JESUS' WEDDING - I had a moment so I jotted some down just in case there was a last second need.
- "Are they going to raise the children Jewish?"
- "You got them myrrh? I got them myrrh!"
- "The loaves and fishes buffet is endless"
- "Ever notice how Jesus looks nothing like his father Joseph?"
- "Really? A Jewish carpenter?"
- "Do I have to dance with Aunt Zilpah?"
- "How can Judas afford that suit?"
- "Quick! Get a picture of the bride cutting the Mandelbread"
- "Oh, no, not the Hokey Pokey"
- "Him mother acts like he walks on water"
Not a match.

Shouldn't "Good Morning America" have a comma between 'Morning' and 'America'?

Dave told a monologue joke about Viagra now being added in ice cream. He ends it with, "Well, good bye Mr. Softee." Which reminded me of a joke. It was 35 years ago. I was in college and was asked to partake in a little dorm fun with a presentation of The Dating Game. I was to be the single guy asking the questions to three eligible bachelorettes. One of my questions I wrote down was: "If I were an ice cream cone, what would be the first thing you would do?" Bachelorette #1 was mute. She was difficult the whole time but this time in particular. She couldn't come up with anything. It started to feel just a slight bit uncomfortable due to her silence. And then I added, "I'll make it easier for you . . . would you want the ice cream to be hard or soft?" All agreed it was a nice save.
I had a confidante in the audience for The Dating Game. Since I could not see the contestants, I had no idea who was the most desirable date to pick. When it was time to decide, my conspirator would rub his nose if I should pick #1 (we have one nose), he would tug on his ear if I should pick #2 (we have two ears), or rub his chin if I should choose #3 (he was heavy-set). He rubbed his chin for #3, who I was going to pick anyway. We earned a dinner-for-two at a local pizza parlor.

This was Stephen Colbert's 12th sit-down visit on the show. His first appearance was September 2, 2005. Other appearances: December 14, 2005; June 14, 2006; October 10, 2007; November 20, 2008; May 20, 2009; November 19, 2009; October 7, 2010; May 13, 2012; October 1, 2012, and December 9, 2013. I went back to read some Wahoos from those dates to make sure I wrote good stuff about the future host of the Late Show. Thankfully, I didn't have to edit anything out.

Has Mr. Colbert lost weight? He looks so fit and trim! And handsome!

And now in honor of Earth Day, a Hal Roach joke. I saw Hal Roach back in 1984 when I was in Ireland at the Jury's Irish Cabaret in Dublin. Mr. Roach was a well-known elderly Irish comedian. He told a story of working at a museum as a guide. He said to the tour, "The earth is 4 billion years and 7 months old." A person in the tour questioned him. "How can you be so sure? How do you know the age of the earth is 4 billion years and 7 months?" And Hal said, "Because I started working here 7 months ago, and back then the earth was 4 billion years old." Write it down, write it down . . . it's a good one.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Stockholm Sweden it's afl Sofia
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike


Tonight's Guests

James Corden
Norman Lear
TV on the Radio

Wahoo Gazette Archive

Thursday, November 20
Dave approves a family of actors to attend Thanksgiving in his stead.
Wednesday, November 19
Dave and Regis turn to their friend Peter Lassally for conversation.
Wednesday, November 19
Dally and Spanky take a shortcut during Stupid Pet Tricks.
Monday, November 17
Who's whiter: Dave or Jason Sudeikis?
Saturday, November 15
Dave gets a visit from Bert Mortensen.