Joel McHale, Vera Farmiga, and Aloe Blacc.
PLUS: George Clooney’s Dating History; trouble at the Post Office; the canonization at the Vatican; a possible Donald Sterling explanation; the brain switch; a Top Ten list; and Todd the intern at the New York International Auto Show.
“ . . . and now, a dream within a dream . . . . . . David Letterman!”
-“Pope John XXIII and Pope John Paul II were canonized at the Vatican. The first 50,000 to attend received a bobblehead doll.”
-“Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling finds himself in some hot water after audiotape was presented with him making some ugly racist comments. He has since been rushed to the Paula Deen Rehab Center in Georgia”
Pretty-George Clooney is engaged. Since George is one of Hollywood’s most legendary lotharios, we thought we’d take a moment to look back at some of his relationships through the years. We take a look.
ART CARD: "George Clooney's Dating Life: A Look Back”
We see a slow, romantic montage of George and his conquests.
-George and Lisa Snowdon
-George and Elisabetta Canali
-George and Stacy Keibler
-George and Madeleine Albright
-George and George as a woman
ART CARD: "George Clooney's Dating Life: A Look Back”
You hear a story like this about once a year. A mailman in Kentucky is going to prison for hiding thousands of pieces of mail that he didn’t deliver. He ditched them in his mother’s house for over two years. The Post Office put out this announcement.
ANNOUNCE: "The U. S. Postal Service apologizes for the actions of Kentucky mail carrier William ‘Brent’ Morse who failed to deliver 45,000 pieces of mail, instead storing it at his late mother's house. Morse has been sentenced to prison. Meanwhile, we're pleased to announce the opening of the U. S. Postal Service Mail Museum."
Photo of home of the mailman’s mother. Sign out front reads: “U.S. Postal Service Mail Museum” – and then photos of loose piles of mail.
ANNOUNCE: "Rummage through thousands of pieces of real mail! It's fun and educational! The U. S. Postal Service: 'Sorting and handling --- the way you like it.' "
Everyone’s talking about the papal canonization ceremony at the Vatican. And for the first time, the ceremony was broadcast in 3D. We take a look at some footage we doctored up in the edit room lab.
We see footage of the ceremony. Pope Francis announces: "Please put on your 3-D glasses now."
We then cut to a slew of Cardinals in the audience wearing the red/blue 3D glasses. Cut back to Pope Francis who has the 3D funky effect.
Scientists have developed a technique that enables them to temporarily shut down parts of the brain, essentially creating an on/off switch. They’ve been working on this for ten years. We take a look at the latest development, and some of their first attempts at an on-off switch to the brain.
We cut to GWBush about to make a speech.
BUSH: "Thanks for coming. Welcome to the White House."
Cut to a finger flicking down a switch to the off position.
BUSH: (same shot of Bush - staring, saying nothing): “ . . . . . thanks for coming.”
Cut to scientists rejoicing over their accomplishment.
Dave takes a side-step to comment on the great and complex the human organism is. Such wonder, such amazing abilities . . . it’s awe inspiring. We take a look at this presentation underlining this observation.
ANNOUNCE: "Temperamental, hypercritical, irrational. Changes in hormone levels affect the level of neurotransmitters, the brain chemicals that regulate mood. When estrogen and progesterone are elevated, heightened emotions can lead to extreme crankiness and a temporarily-altered personality. These symptoms are typical of someone who is nine months pregnant."
Cut to shot of NBA Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling sitting courtside. His belly appears to be housing twins.
ANNOUNCE: "Donald Sterling: It's the hormones talking."
Going into commercial, Dave throws a two-handed kiss to the audience. We sometimes need a shot like that for a network promo or a piece for the show. I put it down here so I when I need it I can do a quick search. And there it is . . . end of ACT 1 – Show #4019.
TOP TEN: GUYS DONALD STERLING LOOKS LIKE
10. The only naked guy in the sauna
9. The guy who parks with one wheel on the sidewalk
8. The guy who licks his fingers before pulling cash off a wad
7. The guy at the gas station smoking near the pumps
6. The guy who thinks every male performer is gay
5. The guy who takes a bite out of a sandwich at a buffet and puts it back
4. The guy who hits on a bride at her wedding
3. A satisfied customer in "Cash For Gold" ads
2. Mickey Rourke – (split screen – we have a match!)
1. The soon-to-be former owner of the Los Angeles Clippers
Let’s say hello to our good friend, Todd the intern.
Todd the intern enters and takes a seat. Todd is from Cleveland. The last Cleveland professional sports team to win a championship was the 1964 Cleveland Browns. His Indians haven’t tasted the champagne since ’48. Todd attends/attended the University of Ohio in Athens and has been an intern here at the Late Show since 2009. What did Todd do this weekend? He went to the New York International Auto Show to look at some cars. Todd never owned a car. He does have a license, though. He took the test in his parent’s minivan. He failed in first attempt as he hit a cone just as he was pulling out.
Todd filed a report on his visit to the Auto Show.
-We see Todd and 11 fellow car-lookers squeeze into a 5-seater.
-What are the favorite cars of a visitor to the Auto Show? Since Ford is our sponsor, we doctored up his response a bit: The Ford Fiesta, the Ford Focus, and the Ford Taurus.
-Todd hops in a trunk to see how long it’ll take for someone to let him out.
-Todd with the worst pickup line ever.
-Todd fills in for a car model.
-Todd inside the most expensive car in the show, worth $2.6 million. The glove compartment doesn’t quite open. But what do you want for $2.6 million . . . everything?
JOEL MCHALE – from “The Soup,” “Community,” and now will be hosting the White House Correspondents Dinner this Saturday.
Todd lives in Los Angeles minutes from the heart of the city. But they have a wildlife problem in the neighborhood . . . . predatory wildlife, like coyotes! Joel has a photo of a deer carcass that was found on his neighbor’s front yard. The carcass had been gnawed clean right down to the bone. There wasn’t an ounce of meat or eats left. Dave labels it a metaphor for show business . . . the cleanly-picked bones of a carcass Dave isn’t so sure that the carcass was the work of coyotes. He suspects a mountain lion. Joel doesn’t think so. He pictured a pack of coyotes devouring the thing. Dave thinks it was a mountain lion that did the deed, and then the scavengers came in to finish it off.
Neither could convince the other of what made the initial kill, but I think Dave was successful in giving Joel something else to worry about. Mission accomplished.
The White House Correspondents Dinner . . . really? Do you really want to host that? Dave wonders if that hosting job is worth the pain and effort. It’s a thankless job in front of a very judgmental crowd. Dave says he was asked some years back to host but turned it down. Joel has been calling everyone who ever hosted the event and they all came back with the same opinion . . . “weird!” Joel still isn’t sure why he was chosen. “I’m on E!” he cries.
Joel says the audience has enough money and enough power to never have to laugh again. Tough crowd. Dave saw the hosting performance by Al Franken at the dinner years ago and it was absolutely killing. Joel should give him a call to learn how it’s done.
The White House Correspondents Dinner is this Saturday, May 3rd. Look for it on C-SPAN . . . the very funny C-SPAN channel.
From A&E’s “Bates Motel.” A prior visit by Vera found her very preggo (November 5, 2008). She now has two children. How is it being a mom to two. Vera hesitates before answering. She knows what she is supposed to say, but can’t help being honest. Yes, having children is her biggest achievement in life . . . but she admits to being very close to putting them up for auction. Dave can understand. He’s heard that you would think having a second child would be just like having the first, and that two children is simply twice as hard. But it’s not. It’s exponentially harder. Yea, Dave! You understand. It’s like running a 440 compared to running an 880 (track talk). Vera says she’s having some trouble getting the 3-year old potty trained. It was much easier with the first one. It takes a song-and-dance to get her daughter on the pot. And she means it. She actually sings a potty ditty. We learn the Vera’s daughter has her own idea of when and where to do potty. After the explanation, Dave summarizes: She would rather take a dump in the ocean.
Vera is of Ukraine heritage. On her visit January 18, 2007, she did a quick Ukraine dance in front of the desk. She does she think of what is happening over there now? What does she think of Putin? Vera again hesitates, then leans over and whispers in Dave’s ear her true feelings. Dave then looks directly into the camera to reveal what she said. Vera quickly tries to stop Dave, but it’s too late. Dave spews, “‘Givl’ing ‘sdd’hole.”
Vera doesn’t have much confidence in Putin doing the right thing. It’s a huge land-grab by the former KGB big. She warns that while it may seem like a remote, far away situation, but at any moment any of the key players in this affair could spark a worldwide reaction. We then take a look at the shirtless Putin montage. Dave repeats his Putin commentary: “’Givl’ing ‘sdd’hole!’”
“Bates Motel” – find it on the A&E, Monday nights at 10 PM.
Tonight’s inductees into the Late Show Backstage PhotoClub: former chyron operator Karen Hymes and our scenic artist, Barbara Taylor.
ANNOUNCE: “We’re going again tomorrow with Dave and his guests Lucy Liu, Ziggy Marley, and Stupid Pet Tricks. When we come back: how to make your own stylish prom dress with carpet samples.”
From his most recent album, “Lift Your Spirit,” Aloe Blacc performed “The Man,” and then stayed around at Dave’s request for a little bit more.
And that was our show for Monday, April 28, 2014. Show #4019
Any headlines about the Los Angeles KKKlippers yet? Let’s take a look on the Google. Yikes! 1,330 mentions. Yup, whenever you think you might be first, you’re not.
Scientists have developed a technique that enables them to temporarily shut down parts of the brain . . . so there IS an off position on the genius switch!
I’m old. Yes, I know I didn’t need this simple tale to convince me, but . . . . a staffer saw a movie this weekend that has yet to come out. She forewarned a spoiler alert, but I listened anyway. I then decided I wouldn’t go see the movie, adding, “You just saved me $6.”
This concludes another example of “Yes, I Know I’m Old”
Glad to see Pat Johnson is enjoying Pioneer Trail.
Apparently, Paul Simon would rather be a hammer than a nail.
Wahoo Gazette BuzzFeed: What name are you? I got “Mike”
The Vatican announced they will retire numbers II and XXIII
Good news, bachelors. Clooney is engaged. You all move up one on the “Most Eligible” list.
April 28th – Great Poetry Reading Day – go ahead and read it aloud.
BY CARL SANDBURG
The fog comes
On little cat feet.
It sits looking
Over harbor and city
On silent hunches
And then moves on.
My friend Matt would recite that poem whenever we went out for some early morning fishing. It was the only reason I would go. And the beer.
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
FROM VANCOUVER, BRITISH COLUMBIA, IT’S DEBORAH MCPHEE
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Michael Z. McIntee