Sign In to CBS
With Social Account
With Email
Don't have an account? Create one for FREE!
Sign Up
Search By Date
M T W Th F
Wednesday, April 30, 2014 Dave's got an exclusive look at who's really in the new "Star Wars."
Show #4021
Kiefer Sutherland, Adam Resnick, and Benjamin Booker.
PLUS: a photo of the new cast of “Star Wars”; a search for new sanctions against Russia; banned sports figures; the brain on/off switch; a Top Ten list; and David Stern opines about Donald Sterling.

“ . . . and now, a complicated simple man . . . . . . . . David Letterman!”

ACT 1:

-“It’s 52 and gloomy today. Like George Clooney.”
-“How ironic. Donald Sterling in the NBA . . . he’s been blacklisted.”
-“Donald Sterling . . . you see him on TV and you can almost smell his cologne.”

Dave leads into a joke about Star Wars. He prefaces it with, “Here’s another think you can file under ‘Things I Don’t Care About.’” Yippee! I’m not alone! I’m one of the few Americans who has still not seen “Star Wars.” I wear that fact like a badge, but I do sense a weakening. I think I may be ready to see the, what . . . 1977 classic? I never much cared for the Sci-fi, figuring they can make up anything they want to get out of a tight spot. It’s sort of like Courageous Cat and Minute Mouse and the magic gun Courageous Cat always seemed to have.

The first photo of the cast of the new “Star Wars” film was released yesterday. It’s so exciting to see everyone together. We take a look at the photo. Dave points out who is in the shot.
-Harrison Ford / the robot / Jackie Mason / next to Jackie Mason is Pope Benedict ./ Jeff Dunham and Peanut

The White House announced sanctions against Russia, but the sanctions don’t seem to be working. Maybe we should wag a finger, too? Putin’s troops are still wandering around Ukraine. We take a look at what the White House is trying now.
ANNOUNCE: "The White House encourages American citizens to get involved in our efforts to place diplomatic pressure on Russia, through our new Creative Sanctions Contest. E-mail your creative ideas for sanctions to, keeping in mind the following rules:
1. Your sanctions should sound consequential,
2. Your sanctions should be inconsequential, and
3. Have fun.
If we use your sanction, you will win a free restaurant-quality pasta machine. A message from the Department of Contests."

Dave distances himself in advance for the following joke. He’s seen the elements, but not it total. He’ll be seeing it for the first time, as you.
It’s about Donald Sterling’s lifetime ban from the NBA, and others who have been in sports.
ANNOUNCE: "Pete Rose, banned from Major League Baseball for gambling.” (shot of Pet Rose)
“Lance Armstrong, banned from cycling for doping violations.” (shot of Lance Armstrong)
“Linda Janner, banned from the LPGA for dress code violations." (shot of Linda Janner, followed by a clip of a woman golfing in the nude.)
ANNOUNCE: "'Sports Figures Banned for Life' is made possible by a grant from the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation."

Scientists have developed a technique that enables them to temporarily shut down parts of the brain, essentially creating an on/off switch. They’ve been working on this for ten years. We take a look at the latest development, and some of their first attempts at an on-off switch to the brain.
We cut to GWBush about to make a speech. He starts with a story. We cut to a shot of an on/off switch. A finger presses it to “off.”
Cut back to GWBush. He fumbles and stumbles and stops and stammers.
Cut to a celebrating team of scientists.

ACT 2:
– an irate parent has demanded a Toronto library to ban Dr. Seuss’s “Hop On Pop” because it promotes violence against fathers.

10. How the Grinch Stole Cable -- and You Can Too
9. One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Mercury Poisoning
8. The Lorax Takes Xanax
7. Megan Fox in Only Socks
6. Liquor Before Beer, Never Fear
5. Yertle the Infertile Turtle
4. There's a Wocket in My Colon!
3. Clarence K. Diggs and His Electronic Cigs
2. Naked Golf Digest
1. Horton Hangs at Hooters

He’s back with a one-season of “24: Live Another Day.” He’s also the proud dad of daughter Sarah who has a role in the very popular HBO series, “Veep.” Dave is a big fan of the “Veep” and lauds young Sarah on her fine portrayal. Kiefer almost seems to wonder if Sarah is really his, as he praises her work ethic, focus, amazing student, and smarts.
Kiefer and dad, Donald, had never worked together until recently. They wanted something special, like “On Golden Pond” with Henry and Jane Fonda. The teamed up for “Forsaken” which will debut at the Toronto International Film Festival in September.
Kiefer says he never likes to watch himself in film. Why is that? It’s not that rare among actors. He says, “You put all this work into a character and then you can’t see through yourself.” I guess that makes sense. Seeing an actor playing Lincoln and you allow yourself to think, “That’s Lincoln.” An actor seeing himself play Lincoln and he’ll think, “That’s me pretending to be Lincoln.”

But you can see Kiefer as Jack Bauer! He’s back this Monday at 8:00 on FOX in “24: Live Another Day.” The series continues every Monday after that at 9:00 PM.

ACT 4:
Donald Sterling has a long history of questionable behavior, and many people are wondering why the NBA never did anything about it until now. We have a very special guest here to talk about the controversy. Dave welcomes former NBA commissioner, David Stern.
David Stern enters and stands center stage. Dave, the host, provides background information on Sterling and wonders why it took the NBA so long to do something about him. David Stern had been Commissioner of the NBA for 30 years. Dave asks, “In that time, what did you learn about the culture of basketball in America?”
DAVID STERN: "Moisten needle before inserting.”
David Stern then exits, walking out backwards. And this guy was the NBA Commissioner for 30 years?

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: “Same time, same place tomorrow as Dave welcomes Louis C.K., Amy Sedaris, and a performance by the cast of the Broadway musical, ‘Rocky.’ There are too many words in the English language. I suggest we get rid of the word ‘flange.’”

ACT 6:

The very funny Adam Resnick is the author of the new book, “Will Not Attend.” He also is a former writer on Dave’s “Late Night.” Dave raves about Adam’s book of essays and tales. Very funny, start to finish. I like a book of amusing essays. It makes the perfect beach book when with family and friends. You can devote 10 minutes at a time to the book and keep up with the ongoing conversation around the umbrella.
Adam recalls his first meeting with Dave. He was an intern back in 1985 or so. One job Adam had was opening viewer mail. He would see Dave walk by the conference room every day. Their eyes would meet but words were not spoken. One day, Adam was hard at work with the mail and sensed someone standing over him. It was Dave. Dave introduced himself. Adam, wanting the perfect rejoinder, answered, “And I’m Adam, a promising young intern.” Adam immediately wanted to melt and drip under the table. Dave’s response was, “I’m sure you are,” and walked out.
I recall my first meeting with Dave. He introduced himself, and I said, “And I’m Mike. I’ve been here 11 years.”
I’ve always heard of the Adam Resnick, but never knew what he looked like. Adam suggests we go to Google. There you will find Adam Resnick . . . and a photo of someone else. The photo is over a guy in a goatee and a Colts cap and looking quite athletic. It looks nothing like Adam, which makes Adam quite pleased. He would like it very much if people thought he looked like that, so shhhhhh, don’t tell Google.
Adam was the co-creator of one of my favorite shows of all time, “Get A Life” starring Chris Elliott. You can hear Chris loud and clear in Adam’s words. Funny man, Mr. Resnick. I’ll be checking the free box all this week.

ACT 7:

The talented young musician from New Orleans and making his network television debut with us tonight, Benjamin Booker performed his new single, “Violent Shiver.” It’s now on iTunes and will be available May 13th. His album will be in stores this summer.

And that was our show for Wednesday, April 30, 2014.

UCLA is returning Donald Sterling's tainted $3 million donation to their kidney transplant research. In other words, they're paying his $2.5 million NBA fine

How ‘bout that? I was flipping the channels the other night and came across a Seinfeld episode. Not hard to do. As per usual, I watched for a few seconds to see which one it was. Lo and behold, it was one I had never seen before! How could that be possible? It was the one where Kramer had an intern. And Jerry had to decide between keeping an amusing “Hello” voice and keeping a girlfriend. The “Hello” voice won out. I do recall seeing Kramer and the intern dropping a huge rubber ball filled with oil from the window. That I remember, but only that last two minutes. Never thought I’d see a Seinfeld I’ve never seen before.

There’s a list out there with the 50 best restaurants in the world. Do you know what makes a world’s best restaurant? Lots of fries. Give a guy a lot of fries and he’ll be coming back.

The original Star Wars cast will be returning for the next film in the series. I am one of only a few who have never seen the movie “Star Wars.” For the past 40 years, I haven’t gotten any of the jokes, but I imagine there must have been some Han Solo/masturbation jokes, no?
Han solo – must be a masturbation joke there, no? Let’s take a look on Google. Hey, over 4 million entries. Yup, that’s me, right on the cutting edge!

If you’re still reading this, you’re a glutton and would probably enjoy the suffering of It’s all Stangels, all the time . . . but don’t let that stop you.

Dave mentioned Dairy Queen on the show the other night, and then tweeted he would love some free stuff. Ta da! Today we got a delivery of his favorite, and mine . . . DILLY BARS!

And the best part, I was able to pilfer the Styrofoam cooler the Dilly Bars they came in. It’s a huge Styrofoam cooler, at least triple the size of anything I have at home. I can’t wait to go on a long trip with it in the back seat of my car, hearing it squeak the whole way.

Some have an eye for good garbage. I like to think I am one.

A graduate of Northwood High School in Irvine, California, it’s birthday boy Christian Gregor.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
Twitter: @WahooMike

Wahoo Gazette Archive

Monday, May 18
Hovering! with Tom Hanks
Saturday, May 16
Oprah and Dave indulge in a selfie.
Thursday, May 14
Tom Waits, Dave and what's-his-name.
Wednesday, May 13
Julia and Dave squeeze in one last hug.
Tuesday, May 12
Adam Sandler performs a musical ode to Dave.