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Thursday, May 1, 2014 Alan Kalter advises teens not to shoplift without a receipt.
Show #4022
Louis C.K., Amy Sedaris, and a Performance from the Broadway musical "Rocky."
PLUS: Rob Ford to Rehab; Who Wants the Clippers?; Donald Sterling Tries to Make Good; The Amazing Spider-Man 2"; a Top Ten list; and Dave Letterman's Straight Talk For Teens.


" . . . and now, with the secret to the perfect egg cream . . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE
- "Reports that Oprah wants to buy the Los Angeles Clippers. Team Physician will be Dr. Phil."

Like Speaker of the House John Boehner. Dave has some fun at the expense of his orange tint and the pronunciation of his name.

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford has decided to go to rehab, but he says it's only for his addiction to alcohol. This is the official statement.
ANNOUNCE (footage of Ford): Toronto mayor Rob Ford has accepted that he has a drinking problem, so he is entering rehab. Managing alcohol is never easy, but Mayor Ford is ready to take a crack at it, and determined to crack down on his drinking. He pledges to get up every day at the crack of dawn, and get cracking with his crack team of addiction specialists. And, while alcohol is a tough nut to crack, and sobriety isn't everything it's cracked up to be, Mayor Ford is determined not to fall between the cracks. So, to all the wise-cracking critics out there, put that in your pipe and smoke it. Rob Ford: crack crack crackity crack crack."

With Donald Sterling out, now the question is who will buy the team. There's more trouble ahead. We take a look at this: "Billionaires Interested in Buying the Clippers."
ART CARD: BILLIONAIRES INTERESTED IN BUYING THE CLIPPER
- (Photo/Jay Johnson) "Ted Hanson, founder, Offendatronix."
- (Photo/Bob Fallor) "Bob Lewis, owner, DiscrimnaCo Industries"
- (Photo/John Moran)"Jack Turner, President & CEO, The Bigoted Group, and its subsidiaries Prejudiced Machine Tools, Biased Aerospace and Anti-Ethnic Mineral & Chemical."
ART CARD: BILLIONAIRES INTERESTED IN BUYING THE CLIPPER

Here's something a bit too late. Donald Sterling is trying to show he's a good guy, accepting of those not like him. We take a look at Sterling during a recent interview.
STERLING: "I love the Turkish people"

The new Spider-Man movie opens tomorrow. It looks like a lot of fun, but they are tight with their promotional footage. Dave was finally able to get a clip from the studio. We take a look."
We see Spider-Man urgently running up to a yellow cab in a bad part of town. He pulls on the door but it won't open.
TAXI DRIVER: "Hey, man, I don't want to mess with you."
SPIDER-MAN: "Open the door, would you please? I'm not feeling well."
ART CARD: "THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN 2"

That Spider-Man clip was from the 1977 TV Spider-Man.

ACT 2:
TOP TEN: REASONS ROB FORD IS TAKING A LEAVE OF ABSENCE
10. His drinking began to interfere with his crack smoking
9. Wants to spend more time with his humiliated family
8. Crack scene in Toronto is so over
7. Worries that if he stays, he'll embarrass himself
6. Meeting with CBS about a late night project
5. Allergies
4. Already accomplished everything he set out to do
3. Made the decision in a drunken stupor
2. He's going to help Justin Bieber turn his life around
1. The great ones always know when to leave on top

LOUIS C.K.
The 4th season of his very funny FX show begins this Monday. Dave thanks Louis for getting dressed up tonight. The last time he went tie-less, which Dave ribbed him about. This time, Louis went all out and rented something.
Louis is a dad of two daughters, 12 and 8. Right now, they are in the middle of an intense 3-day Common Core standardized testing in school. It tests how well you can memorize stuff and how well you can decipher the cryptic math questions. He admits that his kids tend to panic in these highly-structured, high pressure tests, and that's understandable. A school has a lot vested in the results. Louis' mother was a math teacher and he understands the thinking of a child and of a teacher when it comes to these tests. He says when the child cries out in frustration that he doesn't understand a math problem, that's when the student is just about to get it. The frustration leads the child to throw out his line of thinking and is ready to accept the new. They are about to let go of what they know and grab on to a new thing. Interesting. I'll have to ruminate about that some. Louis says he likes to be there when his kids reach that point. He'll calmly work with his daughters. Then when he reads the question, he finds it makes no sense. You need a GPS to figure out the convoluted wording. It's not what Alfred Binet had in mind. Louis is not pleased Dave is leaving. He's all for Stephen Colbert, but hates the thought Dave is retiring. (How do you think I feel?) Dave leaving really "sucks balls." Dave says this is the first time anyone on the Late Show has ever said "Suck balls." I, of course, raced to my database to find what I could find. No "suck balls" but a lot of "suck" and a lot of "balls," but not together. Maybe at the old show, but I don't have a database for that.

Louis doesn't mind getting older. Less to worry about, or you learn not to worry about it. Louis is 46 and says you've seen stuff come around 46 times. Nothing really matters. He was faced with an annoying woman on a plane. Louis decided to just get off the plane. Who needs the annoyance? Louis went home. The next day, his appointments in Los Angeles wondered where he was. Louis said there was something that annoyed him and decided he didn't want to do it. And you know what? When you don't do it, nothing really changes. Everything's fine. He's learned not to mind when things go bad. Learn to accept . . . whatever. Disappointments are to be expected. It's how we at the Late Sh . . . no, I'm not going to go there. "LOUIS" - Here's something! It's funny, and it's highly acclaimed! Find it on the FX, Monday nights at 10:00 PM in back-to-back shows.

ACT 4:
Here is something we call, "Dave Letterman's Straight Talk For Teens"
ART CARD: DAVE LETTERMAN'S STRAIGHT TALK FOR TEENS

ANNOUNCE: "'Dave Letterman's Straight Talk for Teens': Frank, honest advice for the youth of today, from a voice they respect."
QUICK 2ND ANNOUNCE: "Tonight's guest host: Alan Kalter."
We find in his area with a group of teens. He straddles a folding chair, his chest facing the back, you know, like any teen counselor. He offers advice . . . advice from experience. The kids respect him because they know he's lived it.
ALAN: "Yo, peeps! I want to talk to you today about something extremely important. How many of you know someone who's shoplifted? (some teens raise their hand) One, two . . . OK, a few of you. Well, gang, shoplifting may seem cool but it can lead to big trouble. Do any of you know why?" (teens mumble some lame answers) "OK. Here's the 4-eleven. Without a receipt, a store is not gonna exchange a shoplifted item. If you're gonna shoplift, also steal a receipt! Got it? Word up!"
ANNOUNCE: "'Dave Letterman's Straight Talk for Teens' is sponsored by the National Council of Churches.'"
ART CARD: DAVE LETTERMAN'S STRAIGHT TALK FOR TEENS
Dave thanks Alan for filling in tonight and apologizes for not being able to be there.

It was decided just before the show that Alan would do this instead of Dave. We never rehearsed with Alan. My favorite best part . . . Alan talking hip to the teens and saying, "OK, here's the 4-eleven" instead of the "here's the 4-one-one." Made me laugh. If he meant to be goofy and out of it . . . . very funny. But he wasn't trying to be, which made it even funnier.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "Come on back tomorrow for Dave and his guests Don Rickles, comedian Carmen Lynch, and The Ghost Of A Saber Tooth Tiger! Lubricant? Lubri-can!"

ACT 6:
AMY SEDARIS
The always entertaining Miss Sedaris.
Amy has some advice for teens: "Keep your legs shut if you want to keep your future open." Amy expresses her surprise and sadness at Dave's retirement announcement. But it doesn't sound like he's ready to remove himself entirely from show business. He's already has an idea for the creative and craft-driven Amy. Dave suggests she visit prisons and teach the inmates how to make happy and festive lunches and dinners. She's right on it, coming up with a "pineapple smile" idea right on the spot.
Dave offers Amy his condolences on the passing of her pet rabbit. Amy had a bunny as a pet for the past 11 years. She got the rabbit when it was two. You can tell the age of a rabbit by its . . . well, never mind. She plans on replacing the recently deceased with two new ones. Dave never thought having a pet rabbit in a city apartment was a good idea, but Amy, somehow, makes it sound just fine.
Amy is a proud Godmother to Giancarlo. She had him over the house the other day roasting peppers over an open fire. We see a photo. Giancarlo is two-and-a-half. The peppers are on metal skewers. He is standing on a wobbly stool. Dave can maybe be convinced of a rabbit in the city making sense, but a two-year-old roasting peppers over a gas flame . . . with a metal skewer . . . on a rickety stool . . . that's not quite OK.
Amy Sedaris - always funny and entertaining with an interesting way of looking at things.

ACT 7:
"ROCKY" - The new Broadway musical has been nominated for 4 Tony Awards, including Andy Karl's nomination for Best Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role in a Musical. The cast performs "Keep On Standing."
"Rocky" - now playing at the Winter Garden Theater right down the block on Broadway at 50th Street.

And that was our show for Thursday May 01, 2014.

Florida State University's Heisman trophy winner and pitching star Jameis Winston will get a slap on the wrist for shoplifting crab legs. If he was given them for free, the NCAA would have punished him more severely.

I was again flipping the channels. Stopped on Seinfeld. The overdue library book episode. Mr. Bookman, library detective, remains one of my favorite characters all time. And I liked Arnold's math teacher in "The Wonder Years."

I find this interesting. Donald Sterling was fine with his girlfriend doing anything she wanted as long as it didn't become known to the outside world. And the NBA owners were fine with anything Donald Sterling did as long as it didn't become known to the outside world.

Yankee fans booed Robinson Cano when he returned as a Seattle Mariner. I was amused at how angry Yankee fans are at a player they lost to free agency and money. They don't like free agency when it works in that direction.

New invention idea. Roll of toilet paper. The inside tube should have the note, "If you can read this, PUT ON A NEW ROLL!" Never mind how or why I came up with this idea.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Former head football coach of the Spring Valley Tigers, it's Mark Katz.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike


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