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Saturday, May 3, 2014 Living legend Don Rickles proves why he's one of the greats.
Show #4023
Don Rickles, Carmen Lynch, and The Ghost Of A Saber Tooth Tiger.
PLUS: Good and Bad Spider Bites; the Clooney Ring; Something New on the Netflix; the Brain's On/Off Switch; and a Top Ten List.

" . . . and now, with 11 herbs and spices . . . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE
- "Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is in rehab. Ford doesn't really want to go to rehab, but he can't get out of it. Just like George Clooney and marriage."
- "Are you excited about the new "Spider-Man" movie? . . . ." (big reaction from the audience) ". . . . . . then you're 12."

The new Spider-Man movie is out tomorrow. We take a look at a segment called, "Good Radioactive Spider Bite / Bad Radioactive Spider Bite."
ART CARD: GOOD RADIOACTIVE SPIDER BITE / BAD RADIOACTIVE SPIDER BITE
ANNOUNCE: "Good radioactive spider bite . . . (Spider-Man footage) . . . results in superhuman strength, speed, agility, and reflexes. Bad radioactive spider bite . . . (photo of a kid's swollen red hand) . . . results in redness and swelling, fever, fatigue, skin rash, hair loss, nausea, dizziness, unsteady gait, and persistent dry cough.
Choose wisely."

On the "Today" show, an editor from People magazine revealed a picture of George Clooney's engagement ring. It's gorgeous. We take a look.
We hear/see Tamron Hall with a group on a "Today" show set: "In their latest issue, People magazine has exclusive new details, they say, about George Clooney's engagement. You've got some new juicy details."
Cut to a shot of the ring and of Clooney and fiancee.
Female voice describes the ring: "We have a picture of the ring, all seven carats of it, emerald cut, gorgeous, and this was George's idea . . . over three years, the ring slowly dissolves at which point the bride knows that she should leave George to make room for his next relationship. A
Another Female voice: "And does she have a few days to pack?"
First female voice: "Yes, George is a gentleman. Our sources say he will hire a moving company to transport her and her belongings to a beautiful new condo with modern fixtures in Vancouver."
Savannah Guthrie: Check out 'People.' Thank you."

Netflix has announced another new original series. Dave saw the first promotional announcement earlier today. We take a look.
We cut to a Toronto council meeting. A councilman is questioning Mayor Rob Ford.
Councilman: "Mayor Ford, have you purchased illegal drugs in the last two years?"
Cut to Ford. Long pause. He says nothing. Still nothing. Slow fade to Netflix logo. Slow fade back to Mayor Ford.
MAYOR FORD: "Yes. Yes, I have."
Cut to clips of Ford's escapades.
Graphics appear over footage: "Starring Mayor Rob Ford. Doug Ford. And Councillor Pam McConnell.
ANNOUNCE: "'House of Crack.' Coming soon to Netflix."

Scientists have developed a technique that enables them to temporarily shut down parts of the brain, essentially creating an on/off switch. They've been working on this for ten years. We take a look at the latest development, and some of their first attempts at an on-off switch to the brain.
We cut to GWBush about to make a speech. We hear him . . . "Our people have done a really good job of hauling in a lot of key operators. Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, Abu Zabayduh . . ." We cut to a shot of an on/off switch. A finger presses it to "off."
Cut back to GWBush: " . . . Ramsey . . Rah . . Ramseyal Sheeb, or whatever the guy's name was . . . . "
Cut to a celebrating team of scientists.

ACT 2:
How'd we get into the hotel booking business?

TOP TEN WAYS DONALD STERLING'S GIRLFRIEND HIDES HER FACE - Sterling's girlfriend, V. Stiviano, has started appearing in public with a huge, full-face visor to hide from the paparazzi. We take a look at Ms. V. in her visor covering her face. She actually looks better with the visor.
TOP TEN WAYS DONALD STERLING'S GIRLFRIEND HIDES HER FACE - we doctor the visored Stiviano with other face-covering images.
10. Diving helmet
9. Beard of bees
8. Bigger visor
7. Tuba
6. Newspaper
5. Pot of mums
4. Pet cone
3. Optometrist's phoropter
2. Pharrell's hat
1. Balloon
I guess appearing in blackface was out of the question.

ACT 3:
DON RICKLES
A standing ovation for the living legend! Don takes a moment to get comfortable in the chair. Can't seem to get the right fit. He wiggles and jiggles and twists. He says, still not comfortable, "When you get older, you're underwear gets stuck in the canal."
Don is getting around these days with the use of a cane. Dave feels awful for not hearing about Don's recent hospital stay. Don was visited by a friend who happened to be a doctor. Seeing the opportunity to make the visit useful, Don mentioned that he had a pimple on his leg. The doctor-friend asked if he could take a look. Yeah, I think this is what Don was hoping for. The doctor takes a look and orders Don to go the hospital. Turns out the pimple was a flesh-eating bacteria, something called Necrotizing Fasciitis. (Really? All the flesh out there to eat and the bacteria picks Don Rickles') Don got it cut out and is now recovering. The cane is temporary.

Don tells a story of a highlight of his career. He was invited to perform at Ronald Reagan's 2nd inauguration, but Reagan's advisors and cabinet were very concerned. They were afraid Don would do or say something that would cause all sorts of problems. They didn't want him and let it be known. Frank Sinatra, who was also invited, told the White House, "If they don't want Rickles, they don't get me." Frank always had a way of getting people to see his side.

Even at 87, (88 next week), Don still gets around. He says he would do Fallon but he doesn't play Ping Pong. Oooh, I liked that. Don later says he often talks to God . . . "but he's always out of town when I call." He seemed a bit hurt by that.

On May 28th, Mr. Rickles will be honored with a television special entitled, "One Night Only: An All-Star Comedy Tribute To Don Rickles." You can see it on the Spike TV. It's being taped this week. And you can see him at the Turlock Community Auditorium in Turlock, California on May 17th. One of the all-time greats, Mr. Rickles.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "Dave's back Monday with Shailene Woodley, and Peyton Manning. By watching, you agree that CBS may use photos or video of you sprawled on your couch from promotional purposes."

ACT 6:
CARMEN LYNCH
Carmen lives in the city. Her roommate has a cat. The cat threw up on Carmen's bed. The roommate enlightened Carmen that this was a complement. It was a sign that the cat liked Carmen and felt comfortable with her. Carman: "Really. Well, let's create some tension."
Carmen doesn't do drugs, but wishes she did. This way she could quit and then get people's respect for quitting.
Her friend is on vicodin because her mother has terrible back pain.
She performs regularly at the Comedy Cellar here in New York City.

ACT 7:
THE GHOST OF A SABER TOOTH TIGER
From their brand new CD out this week, "Midnight Sun," The Ghost Of A Saber Tooth Tiger performed "Animals."
No animals were harmed in the production of this musical number.
That's right! That was Sean Lennon! Good catch!

And that was our show for Friday May 2, 2014.

Beautiful weather coming this weekend, and I have big plans. Friday night, I'm putting masking-tape up around the living room. Saturday I paint. Sunday I try to convince my wife her color-choice was fine.

The Kentucky Derby is Sunday. Don't let NBC fool you . . . race time is 6:24 PM EST. You'll hear them say 4:00 or 5:00, but that's just to get you there early. As always, I'll be picking the 5/3 exacta, in honor of my father-in-law who liked to bet the ponies. 5/3 was his birthdate. That means I'll be going with California Chrome (5-2) followed by Uncle Sigh (30-1).
(Picture me with a newspaper rolled up under my arm as I chomp a cigar.)
California Chrome looks to be the class of the field. Uncle Sigh will be using blinkers for the first time, and that could help. Plus, I knew an Uncle Sigh, not realizing it was Uncle Cy.

#5. California Chrome (5-2) - the favorite
#3. Uncle Sigh (30-1) - donates 10% of purse and ales to the Wounded Warrior Project

Others to watch:
#1. Vicar's In Trouble (20-1) - female jockey, Rosie Napraynik - no female jockey has ever won the Kentucky Derby - running very good of late
#4. Danza (8-1) - named after Tony Danza. Not sure if that is good or bad.
#6. Samraat (15-1) - consistent; from New York, which may explain the "raat" in his name.
#17. Commanding Curve (50-1) - well rested, bred to go the distance
#20. Wicked Strong (6-1) - named in memory of last year's Boston Marathon bombing

My picks: 5/3 Exacta.
To win: #1 - Vicar's In Trouble
All the above is based on nothing. Bet accordingly.

I have seen NBA Commissioner Adam Silver somewhere before, but where? Damn, his face is so familiar.

Monday is Cinco de Mayo. Read up on it. Be prepared to inform the uninformed it is NOT Mexico's Independence Day. It had to do with a rather minor battle against the French. Let the nonbeliever to dig himself deep before Googling the info. Impress your friends and family. Have fun!

A tip for NCAA athletes when caught receiving gifts from alumni boosters: Plead, "It wasn't a gift! I stole it!"

Oh, I know where I've seen NBA Commissioner Adam Silver before! . . On the cover of the Weekly World News. He's Bat Boy!

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Fair Lawn, New Jersey, a former Brockport Golden Eagle, it's Michael Thomas Barile
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike


Tonight's Guests

Mark Harmon
"Jungle" Jack Hanna

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