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Wednesday, May 7, 2014 It's showtime at the Apollo with Dave, Don Rickles and DeNiro.
Show #4026
Mariah Carey, Rick Harrison, and The Whigs.
PLUS: Jeb Bush: No, Thanks; Twitter trouble; New York State: Taxes At Work; Small Town News; and a story from Dave.

“ . . . and now, with the power and might of Beethoven’s 9th . . . . . . David Letterman!”

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE

-“Monica Lewinsky is giving interviews. If you’re happy to see her back, you’re probably an aging joke writer.”
-“A guy in Utah is petitioning for the right to marry . . . . his laptop computer. But in Utah, you can marry as many computers as you want.”
-“Kim Kardashian has chosen her wedding dress. It’s a hand-me-down . . . from herself.”

Here’s something, it’s called, “Jeb Bush: No, Thanks.”
ART CARD: JEB BUSH: NO, THANKS.
Cut to big brother George W. Bush: “Hey, Jeb, if you need some advice, give me a call.”
ART CARD: JEB BUSH: NO, THANKS.

Twitter is in trouble as more and more people turn elsewhere for social networking. But the company may have found a solution. We take a look. ANNOUNCE: "Attention Twitter users: As you may have heard, our membership numbers are on the decline. To ensure that your tweets continue finding an audience, Twitter is proud to introduce mouth-tweeting, a process in which users tweet their thoughts and opinions verbally, face-to-face with their friends. Mouth-tweets are generated by airstreams passing through a user's vocal cords and mouth. The tweet is then transmitted via acoustic frequencies to a follower's auditory system. From there, it is amplified by the eardrum, transmitted into electrical impulses, and converted to language by the brain. And the best part is: no special equipment is required!
Twitter... now in the Yellow Pages!"

I liked this. I’m not a big fan of people. I like it when they don’t bother me, so why does it bother me so much to see the whole world immersed in their little handhelds?

And now it’s time for "New York State: Your Tax Dollars at Work"
ART CARD: NEW YORK STATE: YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK
We see New York State Senators debating what matters most in the Empire State . . . snacks. We see a slew of State Senators with the following comments in the State building:
Senator 1: "That this bill would designate yogurt as the official state snack."
Senator 2: "What, exactly, are we defining as a snack?"
Senator 1: "You have breakfast, lunch and dinner... and then you have snacks."
Senator 2: "Did you consider the potato chip?"
Senator 1: "No."
Senator 2: "Cheesecake?"
Senator 1: "Well, the cheesecake... I thought more of a dessert."
Senator 2: "Raisins?"
Senator 1: "No."
Senator 2: "Cashews?"
Senator 1:" No! I would never do that."
Senator 2: "Pretzels?"
Senator 1: "Never!"
Senator 2: "What if... for you, Mr. President, if this pretzel was dipped in yogurt?"
Senator 1: "Yogurt would be the state snack. The pretzel would not."
Senator 3: "Can we consider the carrot cookie?"
Guy in front of the big desk with the hammer: "The bill is passed."
Senator 1: "And lastly, let me talk about the state muffin."
ART CARD: NEW YORK STATE: YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK

This should be shown on the news everywhere, every day, all the time. What I find most disturbing is those in the background, behaving as if this is worthy of our time and tax dollars. No one jumps up and screams with disgust? What I would do? Find out if this Senator is getting paid off by the yogurt industry.

ACT 2:
In for Felicia Collins tonight, Late Show audio tech Mike Muller.

It’s Wednesday, so you know what that means . . . time for Small Town News. -‘South Bend Tribune,’ South Bend, Indiana – a marriage application announcement: Guess what? "Ti Goober and Precious Plump are getting married.” -‘City Newshound,’ from the tiny town of Chicago, Illinois – an advertisement - "Easter Egg Hunt at the Ridge Funeral Home"

Dave takes a moment to share what’s on his mind. He’s planning to sue the State Department. I’m not sure if that’s allowed, but go ahead, Dave. He’s not happy with his passport photo. (But, c’mon, look what they had to work with!) Dave has more. He attended and spoke at a tribute dinner for Don Rickles last night. Dave feels as if he bombed and wants to apologize to everyone involved in the evening, except for Harvey Weinstein. Dave doesn’t care what Harvey Weinstein thinks. Dave says he knew he would bomb two months ago when he was invited. Dave takes a side turn and tells a tale of speaking at a friend’s funeral. He was the closing act. All the friends of the deceased were there. They all told lovely stories about the man, but Dave didn’t really have a story. It got off to a bad start. Dave was introduced and Dave thanked the rabbi. It was a Catholic church. And then Dave started to talk about the departed and . . . then broke down crying. Burst out into tears. Dave now admits he cried because he had no material. But that’s not why you called. The Don Rickles tribute. Regis is up there yammering away. It seemed to go on forever. Robert DeNiro was there, but he seemed a million miles away. Martin Scorcese and DeNiro came out and did a few minutes and they were sensational. Dave was comfortable following Regis, but Scorcese and DeNiro were tremendous and would be a hard act to follow. Dave considered opening with “Thank you, Rabbi.” Dave is informed he is next and would be following Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. Dave knows they are always good, and last night they were never better. Dave was beginning to feel queasy. No one can follow an act like Fey and Poehler. So it’s Dave’s turn. He opens with “Thank you, Rabbi.” And then burst into tears. It was awful. Dave feels he always bombs when he does these things. Here at the Late Show, Dave is comfortable, but outside in the real world, it’s not so comfortable. Life outside never goes quite the way he would like.
And that’s Small Town News.

ACT 3:
MARIAH CAREY

She’s sold over 200 million albums . . . all without my help! Her latest is “Me. I Am Mariah . . . . The Elusive Chanteuse.” She’s the mom of 3-year-old twins; a boy and a girl, Rocky and Monroe. She just finished the album this morning and will be in stores May 27th, the 38th anniversary of my high school prom.

ACT 4:
RICK HARRISON

The star of “Pawn Stars.” Dave is a big fan of the show, but doesn’t quite get Chumlee.
He may be the last person in the world you would expect to find on TV, so why is he so popular? Rick isn’t sure, but says the kids love him. He figures it’s because kids are excited to feel smarter than an adult.
Rick’s pawn shop in Vegas is crazy popular. They get between 4,000 and 5,000 visitors a day, every day of the week. It is the #1 non-gaming tourist attraction in Las Vegas. Now that I’ve tired of Storage Wars, I think I should give “Pawn Stars” a look-see.
“Pawn Stars”- Back to back episodes every Thursday night at 9:00 PM.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: “Get back with us tomorrow as Dave welcomes James Franco, Idina Menzel, and If/Then. Am I the only one who buys helium balloons for the string?”

ACT 7:
THE WHIGS

From their new album, “Modern Creation,” the band from Athens, Georgia performed “Hit Me.”

And that was our show for Wednesday, May 7, 2014.

Headlines today in the New York tabloids:
DAILY NEWS: (photo of guy who kicked a cat) “You Pussy!”
POST: (Monica Lewinsky on the front page) “My Life Sucks”
Stay classy, New York.

In a Kardashian wedding, the “something borrowed” is usually the groom.

I was so hoping “Danza” won the Kentucky Derby, just for the headline: “Who’s The Boss? Danza!”

Women should realize that when they ask about a paint color or how to decorate a living room, when their husbands says, “I don’t know,” what they’re really saying is “I don’t care.”

If it were Cheney who came up with Climate Change and not Gore, the Republicans would be the skeptics and the Democrats the non-believers.

For my flower project this coming weekend, I’m building a flower tower. I’m using an old cylindrical bird cage that a neighbor was throwing out as the frame. And tonight I’m going up the block to help myself to some planter containers another neighbor has decided is garbage. I’ll probably take them under the cover of night. I’m not comfortable helping myself to another’s junk, but there is some good stuff out there, though the real finds are in Scarsdale and Greenwich, Connecticut. Not that’s some good fishing there.

From last week’s Wahoo:
Florida State University’s Heisman trophy winner and pitching star Jameis Winston will get a slap on the wrist for shoplifting crab legs. If he was given them for free, the NCAA would have punished him more severely. A tip for NCAA athletes when caught receiving gifts from alumni boosters: Plead, “It wasn’t a gift! I stole it!”
And now there are whispers that this is exactly what Jameis Winston was doing. Stay tuned.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
An alum of Shooshooghee High School in Los Angeles, it’s Floyd Remius
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

Tonight's Guests

Mike Myers
Bonnie McFarlane
John Fullbright

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