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Wednesday, May 14, 2014 Getting beaten up in an elevator? There's an app for that.
Show #4031
Barbara Walters, Elle Fanning, and Randy Houser.
PLUS: our hardworking cameraman; Good Journalism/Bad Journalism; the view from the Washington Monument; Otis Elevator App; a Top Ten List; and something from Steve Young.

“ . . . . and now, the Scat King of the Savoy . . . . . . . . David Letterman!”

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE:

-“Fallout from the Anderson Cooper/Donald Sterling interview. Now Sterling hates white people.”
-“Anderson Cooper conducted his interview with Donald Sterling at Sterling’s Beverly Hills Estate: Casa de Lusional”

So you wanna be on TV? Dave puts cameraman Jack Young on the other side of the camera and takes delight in Jack’s veteran know-how. Jack has his camera pointed out towards the audience for a possible audience cutaway. He uses the band’s barrier wall as a squatting station. Why stand when you can sit? Jack ignores Dave’s teasing, as well as the laughter he hears over his headset from the Control Room. I think Jack has one thing on his mind, and that’s the “Good night, everybody” about an hour away.

You like good journalism? Sure, but sometimes bad journalism can be a lot more fun. We take a look at this segment, “Good Journalism/Bad Journalism.”
ART CARD: GOOD JOURNALISM / BAD JOURNALISM
ART CARD: GOOD JOURNALISM:
We see a news anchor reporting on a burglary at the tomb of our twentieth President, James Garfield.
ANCHOR 1: "Police say grave robbers have hit the tomb of President James Garfield." (Photo of James Garfield) Graphic: “YES!”
ART CARD: BAD JOURNALISM
ANCHOR 2: "Spoons were taken away from the grave of President Andrew Garfield.” (Photo of actor Andrew Garfield as Spider-Man) Graphic: “NO!”
ART CARD: GOOD JOURNALISM / BAD JOURNALISM

OK, OK, let’s see if there is an “excuse” for “Andrew Garfield.” The President’s name is James A. Garfield. Is the middle initial “A” for Andrew? Let’s go to the Google machine and check. I’ll let you play along first. Is it Andrew? Is it Adam? Is it Aloysius?
And the Google answer is: BUZZ! Wrong on all three. It’s none of the above. For James A. Garfield’s middle name, go to the Wahoo Extra section.

Bad news folks . . . red wine . . . no, it isn’t good for your health. Dave suggests somebody tell these two people. We see a shot of Kathie Lee and Hoda Kotb. Apparently they live the wine. Kathie Lee likes playing with Chablis and Chardonnay while sipping the Cabernet.

The Washington Monument is back! After three years of renovation, the Washington Monument is back in business. We watch this proud announcement from The National Park Service.
ANNOUNCE: "The Washington Monument is back, and better than ever!" We see the view from atop the Monument via binoculars affect.
ANNOUNCE: "Climb to the top for a crystal-clear view of the Capitol building, the White House and the vice-presidential residence."
Through the binocs, we see VP Joe Biden in the shower shampooing his noggin’, spending quite a bit of time on his ears.
ANNOUNCE: "The National Park Service: Servicing parks since 1916."

Dave saw the darnedest commercial earlier today. Luckily, he Tivo’d it and brought it in. We take a look at this commercial from the Otis Elevator people. ANNOUNCE: "Introducing the e-Service mobile app from Otis Elevator Company . . . . the perfect way to manage your elevator on the go. With e-Service, you can contact an Otis representative directly from your smart phone if you have an issue with your service, need to schedule an appointment, or your sister-in-law's beating the crap out of you."
We get to enjoy an animation of a woman kicking a man in an elevator. ANNOUNCE: "Download the app today. Only from Otis."

ACT 2:
Back from commercial, we find Dave asking Paul about the Boom Boom Room. Paul is not familiar. Dave isn’t either. On Dave’s Top Ten info card, I typed out that Jay Z was attacked by his sister-in-law in an elevator at the Boom Boom Room. My adding “The Boom Boom Room” was only to hear Dave say “Boom Boom Room.” I wanted to hear him say “Boom Boom Room.”

TOP TEN THINGS THAT WILL GET YOU BEATEN UP IN AN ELEVATOR
10. Pressing a button with anything but your finger
9. Counting down floor numbers out loud like it's New Year's Eve
8. "Shaft" jokes
7. Making slide whistle noises as elevator ascends or descends
6. Coughing, then announcing, "Now you've all got MERS"
5. Unsolicited backrubs
4. Squat thrusts
3. Badmouthing Magic Johnson
2. Being me, Dave Letterman
1. Telling a fat guy, "Take the freight, will ya?"

BARBARA WALTERS
She’s retiring from TV this Friday. She’ll be saying goodbye on “The View” this Friday, and then ABC will have a special that night, “Barbara Walters: Her Story.”
Dave introduces the legendary and groundbreaking Ms. Walters and then thanks her for her continued kindness to him, his family, and to the show. The two have announced their retirement, though both admit they may not be ready for it.

What does she think of this Donald Sterling nonsense? Barbara admits she wasn’t quite sure what to make of it, finally deciding on that it’s just sad. She feels he’s confused. Is his thinking a generational thing? Is that the world the elders were raised and we’ll just have to live it through? Dave suggests if that’s the case then a young un’ should straighten him out. And Dave likes the fact that this way of thinking is exposed and brought out in the open for everyone to see. It needs to be uncovered and rightly ridiculed.

Dave asks Barbara for the John Wayne story. Dave loves this story. Barbara says it was back in the 70s when she was co-anchoring the ABC News with Harry Reasoner. She was the first female network anchor. It was not a very good time for Barbara. She wasn’t greeted well by the unreasonable Reasoner. He didn’t want a partner, and certainly not a female anchor. Barbara could not find a friend anywhere. And right in the middle of all this turmoil, Barbara receives “a wire. “ Oooh, a telegram! The wire read, “Don’t let the bastards get you down.” It was signed, “John Wayne’. Barbara says it felt like the cavalry had arrived.

Conversation turns to Monica Lewinsky. She’s back in the news. Barbara says she likes Monica. Her situation was a sad, human situation. Bill Clinton has moved on. Hillary has moved on. Monica is forever stuck. Dave feels a bit guilty now for piling on at her expense. Hey . . . how about Monica Lewinsky on “The View”? Barbara hints that it may have been considered.

“The View” – this Friday is her final! And learn more about Ms. Walters on the ABC special, “Barbara Walters: Her Story” Friday night at 9:00 PM.

ACT 4:
Hey, here’s something from Late Show writer Steve Young! We cut to Mr. Young in the bustling Control Room who will preview some jokes that are coming up tomorrow. He addresses the camera.

STEVE: "Thanks, Dave. For tomorrow's show, we're working on references to people in the news, with certain characteristics exaggerated for humorous effect, such as New Jersey governor Chris Christie's weight (we see a photo of Christie appear, then crash to the floor under its own weight), Toronto Mayor Rob Ford's weight (we see a photo of Mayor Ford appear, then crash to the floor), and President Obama's weight (we see a photo of a trim President Obama appear, then crash to the floor).
We'll also have insightful commentary about George W. Bush being dumb (photo), trenchant observations about Regis Philbin being cheap (photo), and razor-sharp satire about Russian president Vladimir Putin. (photo of a box of Fig Putins). Plus wacky sound effects (wacky sound effect), and a hilarious sight gag, comparing Donald Trump's hair to an animal. (animated clip of Trump’s hair hopping off his head and humping the leg of the Statue of Liberty.)
Set your videocassette recorder now, because it's a ‘Late Show’ you'll want to share with your family for generations to come. Dave?"

And if you miss tomorrow’s show, don’t worry. We’ll be telling the same jokes on Friday!

Steve was great, yes, but how about Technical Director Tim Kennedy in the background! Emmy quality!

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: “We’re going again tomorrow with Dave and his guests Adam Sandler, Thomas Haden Church, and Nightmare & The Cat. The Late Show proudly participates in City Harvest’s ‘Skip Lunch Fight Hunger” campaign. Visit skiplunch.org to make a donation that will help feed hungry New York City children this summer.”

ACT 6:
ELLE FANNING

She’s Dakota’s little sister. Elle is a mere 16 and quite tall for her age. She says she grew 7 inches in one year. It makes it hard to realize that she is only 16. So, 16 . . . that means a driver’s license, right? Not yet for Elle. No license, no permit. Elle says they don’t have driver’s ed in schools anymore. It’s all done online. Oy. Yeah, nothing exists today unless it’s online. She says her dad did take her out once, but that was it. I remember taking my girls out for a drive before they had their permit. My daughter Danielle and I were in a bit of a spat. She wasn’t talking to me, which I didn’t mind since I enjoyed the quiet. I drove her to lacrosse practice and made sure we got there early. I got out of the car, walked over to the driver side and told her go get out. She was confused. She had been bugging me for some time to let her drive and always shot it down. She wasn’t yet 16. But . . . I didn’t want the spat to continue and figured letting her drive may convince her to like me more than she likes her mother. It worked. We took a few laps around the parking lot. Not sure how this was possible, but we were the only car in the lot and yet we still almost hit a car. Anyway, I was a hero for a little while.

Back to Elle. For fun on Spring Break, Elle likes to sneak onto the Pebble Beach Golf Club. She has photos of the cliff she and her friends have to scale, and then another photo of teen glee over their arrival.

Elle is in the spring/summer blockbuster, “Maleficent,” opening May 30th. The young Elle is giggly, sweet, and charming. It’s how you would hope a 16-year-old would be.

ACT 7:
RANDY HOUSER

From his current CD, “How Country Feels,” Randy Houser performed a rousing “Like A Cowboy.”

And that was our show for Wednesday, May 14, 2014.

During the monologue, Dave credited Johnny Carson for dubbing New York City as “Fun City.” I was curious, was it Johnny? I looked it up. Seems it was the other Johnny, the city’s mayor in the 60s and 70s, Mayor John V. Lindsay.

James A. Garfield’s middle name: Abram. Now you know. Show off to your friends!

I had to check. Andrew Garfield’s middle name: Russell

The more I hear and watch the news on TV and radio, and the more I become aware of how clips are edited and pieced together, the more I learn never to believe what I hear. The way things are edited and cut short and started late and positioned . . . . the news can make you think any way they want you to think. It’s . . . . cheating. The news shows are not living up to their responsibility. But maybe it’s because the responsibility of today’s news is not to report it straight and unbiased, but to titillate, to get a reaction, and to get ratings. It, too, has become a TV show.

Oh, one more thing about teaching your kids to drive. I was in the passenger seat trying my best to instruct. We come to a red light. My daughter Danielle stopped, and then made a turn on red. I yelled, “STOP!” There was a car flying down the road. I scolded her that she had a red light and had to wait. I couldn’t understand what she was thinking. She snaps back, “I can make a right on red after stopping!” Shocked, I barked, “AND AFTER YOU LOOK!” I learned then that when teaching your child to drive, you can leave NOTHING out. You can’t take anything for granted. I told my friend that story and he said his daughter did the same thing.

There’s a PSA for you: It’s right on red after stop . . . AND AFTER LOOKING!

And now it’s time for “Late Show The Day They Were Born
Elle Fanning was born on April 9, 1998.

So, what happened on the LATE SHOW the day Elle Fanning was born?

LATE SHOW, April 9, 1998 (#989): Val Kilmer (promoting the tv movie "Africa Unbottled"); Jimmie Walker, and a performance of "Wilkommen" by Alan Cumming and the cast of "Cabaret." Also: Know Your Current Events, Mujibur and Sirajul fight it out on "Springer," and area accountants present the Top Ten Accountant Pick-Up Lines.

And that's what happened on LATE SHOW the day Elle Fanning was born. Thank you, Donz, for the above.

And for an added treat, the Wahoo Gazette the day Elle Fanning was born.

April 9, 1998
THURSDAY’S SHOW: #989
Val Kilmer; Jimmie Walker; “Cabaret”. PLUS: Know Your Current Events; a man not on fire; and the Top Ten from Certified Public Accountants!
Sorry. I missed most of this show. Last second changes to the top ten. Can’t tell you much what happened but then again, you saw the show. What do you need me for?
Val Kilmer: he was once Batman you know. Dave’s favorite Batman - Michael Keaton. My favorite Batman - Adam West.
Jimmie Walker - came with a lot of prepared material. Reminded me of Rodney Dangerfield with Carson.
Sorry, that’s it. Like I said, I missed most of the show.

Can’t believe I got away with that.

Special treat! Thursday’s Wahoo will feature a Cameo Wahoo from a Wahoo Reader.
This installment will be provided by longtime Late Show/Late Night fan, Mr. David Yoder.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Boynton Beach, Florida, by way of North Babylon High School, it’s North Babylon Bulldog, Alan Rubenstein
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

Wahoo Gazette Archive

Saturday, December 20
Let the holidays begin!
Wednesday, December 17
Willie Nelson gets a bad batch of brownies.
Tuesday, December 16
Dave presents a furry gift to Charli XCX.
Monday, December 15
Emma Stone and Dave go nuts with the selfies.
Saturday, December 13
Jamie Foxx and Dave partying together? That'd be dope.