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Thursday, May 15, 2014 Head Carpenter Harold Larkin makes a monologue cameo.
Show #4032
Adam Sandler, Thomas Haden Church and Nightmare and the Cat.
PLUS: Michael Z. McIntee Announces; Dave has a Polka Dot Hanky; Harold Larkin's Higher Education; Didn't See That Coming; A Special Announcement from Donald Sterling; Dave's Thumb Gets Stuck in a Canon; and Top Ten Things Overheard in a Hot Tub.

". . . . and now, with the voice of a nightingale . . . . . . . . David Letterman!

ACT 1:
WahooMike: Tonight's Wahoo has been written by longtime Late Show/LateNight fan David Yoder from the other Manhattan; Manhattan, Kansas. I invited Mr. Yoder to do a Wahoo a few days ago, convincing him it would be fun and an honor for him. Little did he realize I did it simply to give myself a day off. Can't believe he fell for it. As it turned out, it was the right day for me to ship out the day's responsibility. During the monologue, announcer Alan Kalter became a bit lightheaded due to laughing so hard at one of Dave's jokes. As being reported in the Facebook, Alan was transported to a nearby hospital for an evaluation. (They took a brain scan and found nothing.) We soon received a message from the hospital that he was doing fine and, unfortunately, back to his old self. Meanwhile, I was asked to fill in for the ailing Alan. Some may have a face for radio; I have a voice for writing. When Alan heard it was me filling in for him, he was greatly relieved, knowing he had nothing to worry about. And that's that.
Hurry back, Alan.
And now, while I sit back and enjoy a pina colada, here is today's Cameo Wahoo by a Wahoo Reader, David Yoder.

- "This is the time, the springtime, that all of the networks announce their new TV line-ups. CBS has a wonderful new show. It's called 'CSI: SPU.' Special Parking Unit. It's gonna be unbelievable!"
- "There's also a socially-important, socially-relevant show on CBS. It's about the first openly-gay detective. He has a heightened sense of fashion."
- "You know, CBS had a show called 'Hostages?' Are you aware of that? It was canceled, so you can all go home! It's done. It's all over."

Harold Larkin shows up at Pat Farmer's interruption mark, bespectacled and attired in a cap and gown.
DAVE: "Oh, hi, Harold. Wow, it's Harold Larkin, ladies and gentlemen! Our head carpenter. Nice to see you, Harold. Wow! Graduation or somethin', right?"
HAROLD: "Just wanted to let you know, I graduated today."
DAVE: "Uh huh."
HAROLD: "I'm now a fully-certified and bonded carpenter."
DAVE: "Wow! That's... that's interesting, Harold, because for over 20 years, you have been our head carpenter."
HAROLD: "I'm not gonna let you ruin this for me."
CBSO: Elgar's "Pomp and Circumstance" as Harold exits the stage with his diploma

- "President Obama was here yesterday, ladies and gentlemen." (scattered applause) "There's your popularity poll, right there! He was touring New York sites in desperate need of repair. You know, he wants to spend money on the infrastructure of the United States, so he was goin' around New York City, showing people 'This needs fixing...' For example, Port Authority needs fixing, or the buses and the trains, and everything. Penn Station... same thing. That needs a little help over there. Also, in big, big structural trouble, the Knicks. He wants to fix them."
- "He went up to... up the Hudson, to the Tappan Zee Bridge, which is beautiful. My favorite bridge across the Hudson, of course... I like the Tappan Zee, but my favorite would be the Chimpanzee. And the Tappan Zee Bridge... the renovation on the Tappan Zee Bridge, is finishing up way ahead of schedule, like Obama's second term. It's amazing!"

"Didn't See That Coming"
CBS-2 L.A. ANCHOR: "Donald Sterling and his wife are divorcing."

- "Ladies and gentlemen, you know tomorrow, 'Godzilla.' Who's goin' to see 'Godzilla,' huh? You know the story. It's a giant lizard. I mean, you think giant lizard, no, no no. This is, like, triple what you're thinkin' of. It's an enormous lizard. Terrorizes the city. And I was thinkin', the last time the city was terrorized by a giant lizard... was that Anthony Weiner?"

Paul: "You don't work blue! What's gotten into you?!"

(You should probably grab a snack before you read the following.)

"A Special Announcement from Donald Sterling"
ANNOUNCE: "Donald Sterling would like to apologize for the insensitive comments he made about who should - or should not - attend Los Angeles Clippers games. Donald Sterling would also like to apologize for insensitive comments he made to CNN's Anderson Cooper, while trying to apologize for the original comments he made about who should - or should not - attend Los Angeles Clippers games. On May 18th, look for Donald Sterling to appear on '60 Minutes,' and make insensitive comments, while apologizing to CNN's Anderson Cooper, while trying to apologize for the original comments he made about who should - or should not - attend Los Angeles Clippers games. Then, May 20th, look for Donald Sterling to appear on 'Dr. Phil,' and make insensitive comments while apologizing for the comments he made to '60 Minutes,' while apologizing for the comments he made to CNN's Anderson Cooper, while trying to apologize for the original comments he made about who should - or should not - attend Los Angeles Clippers games. May 21st, Donald Sterling will appear on 'Wheel of Fortune,' and make insensitive comments, while trying to win the final round, and apologize to Dr. Phil for making insensitive comments, while apologizing for the comments he made to '60 Minutes,' while apologizing for the comments he made to CNN's Anderson Cooper, while trying to apologize for the original comments he made about who should - or should not - attend Los Angeles Clippers games."
ANNOUNCE: "Donald Sterling. Call me 'Uncle Don.' "
ME: Get that voice-over guy some oxygen!

Mike McIntee with show highlights and "Tech Tip": "To prevent eye strain while working at the computer, keep the monitor turned off."

ACT 2:
Back from commercial, Dave reveals that there nearly was a medical emergency before the program: "I got my thumb caught in the camera!" (clip): It's a close-up of Dave's left thumb, stuck all the way in the lens cover of the Canon HDTV floor camera. Those looking closely will see the impressive dents on the thing, caused by our host over the years, as he swings the microphone around during the pre-show questions. We're being told that Dave (and the long-suffering camera) are OK. That was a close one.

In Brooklyn this week, a rooftop hot tub cinema held its first event. You hop in (in your swimming suit, of course), and enjoy the film with friends. Looking for a case of MERS? Perfect! Depending on the lighting, it might be a good time to check each other for ticks.
10. "Believe it or not, this water has never been changed."
9. "Hey, I have a rash just like that!"
8. "Whose dentures?"
7. "We ran out of chlorine so I used Drano."
6. "Am I married? Don't go there!" (an audience member shout out)
5. "Anyone else covered in leeches?"
4. "I drowned my neighbor in this thing."
3. "Oops, dropped a meatball."
2. "This is good for my MERS."
1. "Grandma, it's not clothing-optional."

Adam's new film, "Blended," opens on May 23. Sure, he'll tell about the movie, but he's come with lots of material. This seems to be a night for medical stories. Adam reports that while watching Dave's awesome monologue in the dressing room, he laughed so hard, he shot three kidney stones. (And we used to think Don Rickles firing off a rocket was something!)
Dave informs Adam that it breaks his heart when he does other shows. Adam stands corrected. He's never doing Jay Leno again. He has an idea to make up for his indiscretion. He's shooting a movie in Hawaii next year, and he'd be honored if Dave would travel along and watch his kids. We hope Regis isn't listening, because Dave asks Adam, "Would it kill you if, like for a weekend, you and I did something?" Dave knows that Adam brings his buddies along to cool places, and has show business all figured out. Adam: "Since I'm high school, I've worshipped you, and I don't want to see it end, ever. What are we gonna do?" He says he's been on the "Late Show" 18 times. I've got him at more like 28 times.
Dave compliments Adam on his youthful appearance. He won't get an operation. Here's the secret: When it's time for a close-up, an assistant sneaks in from behind, and with both palms, pulls the face back, nice and tight. "Action!" (Stop by @Letterman to see a glamour photo.)
"Blended" is Adam's third movie with Drew Barrymore. He remembers Drew's desktop birthday flash for Dave on 4/12/95. When Adam had a similar surprise for Katie Couric, she urped nonstop for the better part of a week!
The film was shot in part in Africa, out in nature where cell phone coverage is iffy. Adam was on the phone with his wife, and reported that, "I saw a cheetah poo today." Back in the USA, what she heard was, "I cheated on you today." He has a whole set of these whoppers for Dave. Speaking of whoppers, Adam claims he drove to Africa. He took a hard left at the Equator, of course. Africa can change your life. He's a better man now. We see a clip of Adam playing air saxophone, not far from a herd of elephants. They seemed to appreciate the gesture, at least.
Drew Barrymore forgot her diary on the set. Adam, a true gentleman, has brought it back stateside to return to her ASAP. In the meantime, why not read some passages for all of North America to enjoy? "Dear Diary: First day in Africa. I woke refreshed, left the hotel and went for a run. The air here is amazing, and the light is stunning. I heard splashing and the grunting of a wild beast, and before I knew it, I was face-to-face with a water buffalo, bathing in a shallow pond. I put my glasses on to see this vision of beauty even better, and realized it was just Adam in the hotel pool, eating a chimichanga." The hits keep coming for the next couple of minutes. Dave signs off the interview with his classic catch phrase, "You know him, you love him, you can't live without him... Adam Sandler." How long has it been since we've heard that one, Donz?

ACT 4:
Here's a brand new segment: "Time to Retire?"
LADY: meows in tune with Dave's solo
DAVE, SINGING: "Hello, kitty!"
LADY: more meowing
DAVE, SINGING: "How are you today, little kitty?"
LADY: still meowing
ME: They're the only thing on CBS right now. I don't know when or if this ever aired. We see the fake windows behind Dave's desk, which were taken out in June 2013. If your regular author, Wahoo Mike, were here instead of the substitute teacher, he'd know the answer from his Odd Dave file. I think Dr. Phil should probably have a look at this clip.

ACT 5:
WAHOO MIKE: "We've got what you want tomorrow, as Dave welcomes Lea Michele, Andy Kindler and Chromeo. Stay tuned for tips on keeping raccoons out of your safe deposit box!"

ACT 6:
Thomas has a new film, "Lucky Them," opening on May 30. This is his first visit with Dave since 9/19/95! Thomas is a very busy man, as he's not just an actor... he's a cattle rancher, in west central Texas. He grew up around ranching. It was appearing in "Tombstone" in 1993 that inspired him to get his own ranch. Dave asks how many head he has. Thomas explains, "It's a sort of an imprecise science. Every now and then, you see buzzards. You're like, OK, we've gotta tick one off the 'live' column." He guesses he has 200. How does a veteran rancher like Thomas herd those critters? "We drive around in pick-up trucks, and we honk the horn, Dave." Sometimes if he's feeling ornery, Thomas speeds up the truck to see if they can keep up (especially the babies). It's a good cardio workout for 'em, OK?
Dave wonders if Thomas has tried riding bulls. Yup. He went to a bull riding clinic! Dave: "In some states, this is not legal. It's assisted suicide." Thomas agrees that it's incredibly dangerous. At the clinic, first you ride tires on ropes. Then there's John Travolta's "Urban Cowboy" mechanical bulls. 3. Next up you have granny bulls, that are soon to become hamburger. (Just wondering: If we're talking bulls here, wouldn't they be grandpa bulls?) Wood shavings slow down the bulls, when you get to the real things. Just after encountering real bulls, Thomas had to go to New York. He'd gotten "pitched," as he called it. Before the flight was over, he was flat on his back on the airplane, then ended up in a body cast in NYC.
Now, to the movie. Years ago, Thomas got a call from Paul Newman, who sent him a script. Joanne Woodward is the executive producer. The tagline is "a rock journalist is assigned to track down her ex-boyfriend." Thanks to Thomas for a fun interview!

ACT 7:
Nightmare and the Cat perform a number from their EP, "Simple."

That was our show for Thursday, May 15, 2014.

From Midtown Manhattan, Kansas, like me, it's Coach Suzie Fritz and the Kansas State University Volleyball team. I'm looking forward to the first match in August, ladies!

I was honored to get the invitation to write tonight's "Wahoo Gazette." I never miss an issue. Mike McIntee, the man who puts the "Who?" in Wahoo, adds so much to the show with behind-the-scenes stories, fun reviews of the day's proceedings, and really funny jokes of his own. I'd also like to thank him for being the only known reader of my own daily episode logs!

2015 will be here way too soon. This is my chance to thank David Letterman and all of his staff for 32 years of tremendous late night television. I started watching in week one in 1982. The show will wrap one of these days, but for a couple of generations of fans, it will leave behind countless happy memories.
Dave has been there with us as we've gone through exciting moments, and sometimes tragic situations. He'll be remembered as one of the greatest story tellers ever, and as having the range to conduct a hilarious interview, or an in-depth discussion on important current events. My favorite part of the show is the desk chat in Act 2. Who will ever forget the tale of the bear visiting Dave's kitchen in Montana, his third-grade bacon story or hickory nuts on the anvil?
He's been patriotic, often bringing in heroic soldiers, reminding us of their sacrifices with soldiers' greetings to family members thousands of miles away, as well as venturing into dangerous areas to entertain soldiers on Christmas Eve.
Thanks also to the staff and crew of the show, many who've been with Dave for 30 years (quite an indication of their loyalty and appreciation for him), who have gone out of their way to visit (and even plan activities for) my fan friends and I when we've made the pilgrimage to Broadway. That definitely includes Tony Mendez, Mike McIntee, Walter Kim, Jay Johnson, Steve Young, Will Lee, Al Chez, Sid McGinnis, Felicia Collins and Tom "Bones" Malone.
These comments wouldn't be complete without mention of Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra members, past and present, who are the coolest, most talented music professionals you'll find anywhere, and who need to be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. I don't even know how to express how much I'll miss the talents of our pals in the CBS Orchestra, and Paul in his sidekick role. He's a musical genius, but also does a great job of playing off Dave's stories and rants.
Get well soon, Alan Kalter!

David D Yoder
proud "Late Show" fan

Wahoo Gazette Archive

Monday, May 18
Hovering! with Tom Hanks
Saturday, May 16
Oprah and Dave indulge in a selfie.
Thursday, May 14
Tom Waits, Dave and what's-his-name.
Wednesday, May 13
Julia and Dave squeeze in one last hug.
Tuesday, May 12
Adam Sandler performs a musical ode to Dave.