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Saturday, May 17, 2014 Lea Michele and Dave both have new books.
Show #4033
Lea Michele, Andy Kindler, and Chromeo.
PLUS: Dave Does an Impression; We Make Donald Sterling More Likeable; Hillary with a Diagnosis of Karl Rove; Barbara Walters Goodbye; Taking Advantage of Justin Bieber's Misfortunes; Charts and Graphs; a Top Ten.

" . . . . and now, lead acapella of the Whiffenpoofs . . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
It's me doing the announcing duties tonight. Tonight's Wahoo was written from the notes of others.

MONOLOGUE:
- "'Godzilla' opened today. The monster was stopped when a quick-thinking Chris Christie closes down the George Washington Bridge."
- "Godzilla destroys three cities, then apologizes in a sit-down interview with Anderson Cooper."

Dave does one of his famous impressions of himself. But is it really an impression if the impression is of yourself? Dave turns his back to the audience to prepare and to get into character. He then turns back around and mumbles a voice of an aged, "One senior for 'Godzilla.'"

It's a brand new segment; something we call "Would Donald Sterling Be More Likeable As . . . . " We take a look.
ART CARD: WOULD DONALD STERLING BE MORE LIKEABLE AS . . . .
ANNOUNCE: "A baby goat."
We see a baby goat. We move the lips of the goat and voice-over some of Donald Sterling's apology with Anderson Cooper.
ART CARD: WOULD DONALD STERLING BE MORE LIKEABLE AS . . . . "
I guess the answer would be "Yes!"

Karl Rove made headlines this week by suggesting that Hillary Clinton may have suffered brain damage after a serious fall in 2012. Hillary Clinton's staff released this statement earlier today.
ANNOUNCE: "Recently, Karl Rove diagnosed Hillary Clinton with brain damage based on her physical appearance. Hillary appreciates Karl's concern and would now like to offer her diagnosis of Karl based on his physical appearance . . . . (headshot of a heavy Mr. Rove, with captioning added after each diagnoses) . . . shortness of breath, high blood pressure, vein inflammation, sleep apnea, gallstones, obesity hypoventilation syndrome, fatty liver, fat fingers, fat face, fat ass, gout, colon bloat, and jowl droop. Karl Rove . . . . Fatty fat fat."

All the current and former hosts of "The View" are reuniting to send Barbara Walters off. It was very exciting. We take a look at this announcement about the occasion.
ANNOUNCE: "The ladies are back! All of your favorite co-hosts from the past are returning for one last chat with Barbara, including: Meredith Vieira, Elisabeth Hasselback, Debbie Matenopoulos, Lisa Ling, Squeaky Fromme, Charo, Pat Nixon, and Star Jones. Together again only on 'The View.' Check your local listings."

Justin Bieber . . . the name alone gets a reaction from the audience. He's in trouble again, this time for taking someone's cellphone. We take a look at how someone is using this and hoping to profit from it. We take a look at this:
COMMERCIAL CLIP/ELDERLY WOMAN: "I never thought I needed one of these alarm buttons."
GRAPHIC: BIEBER ALERT
ANNOUNCE: "Introducing Bieber Alert, the personal alarm system."
COMMERCIAL CLIP/ELDERLY WOMAN: "I had to find out the hard way. It was terrible."
ANNOUNCE: "You're alone. Justin Bieber stole your cellphone. That's when 'Bieber Alert' can help. At the push of a button, you're connected to a trained specialist."
VOICE ON BIEBER ALERT SYSTEM: "We're sending help right now."
ELDERLY WOMAN: "Please, no fuss. Can you call my neighbor Gladys for me?"
VOICE ON BIEBER ALERT SYSTEM: "Right away."
ANNOUNCE: "'Bieber Alert' costs just $29.99 per month. Order now and our second button is free. 'Bieber Alert': Don't Want Until You Need It."

"Bieber Alert" - I think I saw that on Shark Tank last week.

ACT 2:
It's Friday night, so you know what that means . . . . time for CHARTS AND GRAPHS

Most notorious Justin Bieber allegations
- 20% - driving under the influence
- 22% - attempted robbery
- 58% - attempted music

If you could make one change in your life, what would it be?
- 53% - earn more money
- 46% - have more leisure time
- 1% - escape from Gary Busey's crawlspace

- 50% Dyke (photo of Dick Van Dyke)
- 30% - Patten (photo of Dick Van Patten)
- 20% - The Ford "E-150 Dick Van (photo of the Ford E-150 Cargo van)

What's your least favorite thing about Father's Day?
- 43% - pressure to find the right gift
- 31% - difficulty expressing thoughts in a card
- 26% - Fathers going door-to-door to get candy

Godzilla's most formidable foes
- 25% - Mothra
- 35% - Battra
- 40% - Eczema

What issue should President Obama tackle in his last two years in office?
- 40% - immigration
- 40% - equal pay
- 40% - America's declining math skills

Complaints of Pat Sajak ex-girlfriends
- 60% - he couldn't commit
- 30% - he was always at work
- 10% - he gave me an "S", a "T", and "D"

ACT 3:
LEA MICHELE
From "Glee." And she has written a book, "Brunette Ambition." Lea mentioned she was from Bergen County, New Jersey. Hey, that's my neck of the woods. And Pat Farmer's. Pat guessed she was from Tenafly. Let's go to the Google. And the answer is . . . . "Tenafly!" DING! Dave heard there was a big dustup on "Glee". Dave is curious how much of what he's heard is true. Lea quickly explains how things get blown way out of proportion when it comes to any level of celebritiness. Dave jumps in, "Oh, what happened? I was just making that up!"
"Glee" - the sixth and final season will return on FOX in 2015.
"Brunette Ambition" - in stores May 20th.
And her CD, "Louder," is in stores now.

Oh, and look for Dave's book, "No Ambition".

ACT 4:
TOP TEN: COURSES AT THE MARIJUANA-THEME UNIVERSITY - Clover Leaf University in Denver is America's first to offers a curriculum of Cannabis Business Certification

COURSES AT THE MARIJUANA-THEME UNIVERSITY
10. Introduction to Chillaxing
9. A History of Snack
8. Physics of the Bong
7. Mellows and What Harshes Them
6. Dude 101
5. Twentieth Century American Something or Other
4. Intermediate Cheech
3. Advanced Chong
2. 'Place to Crash' Appreciation
1. Seth Rogenomics

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "We'll see you Monday when Dave's back with Jack Hanna, and Stephen Malkmus and the Jicks. Trendy summer fashions for your CPR mannequins . . . coming up, after this!"

ACT 6:
ANDY KINDLER
The very funny Mr. Andy Kindler! I like his, "Stay out of my way, I'm telling jokes" approach.
"Ask Jeeves" . . . what a hoot! Andy will be at the Hollywood Improv this Saturday in L.A. Find out more about Andy at www.andykindler.com

ACT 7:
CHROMEO
They're a Canadian Electro-Funk duo. From their new CD, "White Women," Chromeo performed "Jealous (I Ain't With It)"

And that was our show for Friday May 16, 2014.

We tape two shows on Thursday; the 2nd one is for Friday. On Friday, we come in and catch up on everything we put off during the week. Since Thursday is a doubleheader, I again did the announcing duties for the ailing Alan. A sign of a real pro is making the difficult look easy. Mr. K's seemingly effortless announcing is quite deceptive. It ain't easy. Plus, you have the greatness of Dave out there, the excellence of Paul and the CBS Orchestra, and the professionalism of Director Jerry Foley and the entire crew . . . it's hard not to feel inferior. You don't want to bring down the superior standard we've all grown accustomed. So I went home Thursday and Friday night and couldn't bring myself to listen to my attempts at the announcing of the show. Couldn't do it. I'm just like Johnny Depp that way. Yeah, me and Johnny Depp. I can't bring myself to watch my performance, and he probably can't bring himself to watch my performance either.

Big thank you to David Yoder for yesterday's Cameo Wahoo of a Wahoo Reader. Too well-received by too many.

I probably shouldn't say this but I'm starting to find this Donald Sterling stuff to be fun. I hope he keeps saying things he shouldn't and I hope he keeps fighting the NBA tooth-and-nail. I'm hoping he gets to mad he threatens to hold his breath. I'm hoping the Clippers continue to win so it won't go away.

And speaking of basketball, did I miss this? Steve Kerr decided to turn down the Knicks offer to be their coach, and not once did I read a headline, "Kerr Nix Knicks". Let's Google . . . .
Hey, no findings for "Kerr Nix Knicks."
How about "Stevie Nix"

The hardest thing about announcing for Thursday's show? It was the ACT 1 bumper tease. I had a hell of a time saying the word "gaseous." In my head, I kept saying gas-ish and gash-ish. I spelled it out "gash-iss" and told myself "gaseous, like Cassius Clay"

Look for the Alt.fan.letterman on the Facebook.

I'm watching Gretchen on the FOX. She's reading letters from viewers. It's what O'Reilly does at the end of his show. And I see other shows on all the cable channels doing that, too. And do you know why they read letters from viewers? It's Miss Louise on "Romper Room" looking through her mirror and you at home hoping she says your name. Today, viewers are hoping the news commentator reads their letter. And it's not too much unlike the TV weathermen announcing temperatures in area towns. The difference in temp is usually no more than 3 degrees (if not near the mountains), so why mention 6 towns and show 10 towns printed out on the map in the background? It's the Romper Room effect. "Oooh! He said my town! He knows us! He likes us!" And then you will watch that show from now on. Which brings us to tonight's Cameo Mention of a Wahoo Reader.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Preston, Ontario, fan of the open wheel, it's Dave Swift
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike


Tonight's Guests

Rosie O’Donnell
Jeff Altman

Wahoo Gazette Archive

Wednesday, December 17
Willie Nelson gets a bad batch of brownies.
Tuesday, December 16
Dave presents a furry gift to Charli XCX.
Monday, December 15
Emma Stone and Dave go nuts with the selfies.
Saturday, December 13
Jamie Foxx and Dave partying together? That'd be dope.
Thursday, December 11
Meryl & Susan tout their Academy of Dramatic Arts.