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Monday, May 19, 2014 From "Bert Convy" to wise guy, Dave looks back at his real passport photos.
Show #4034
Jack Hanna, and Stephen Malkmus and The Jicks.
PLUS: what’s Barbara Walters up to; Good Hologram, Bad Hologram; Pope Francis; kissing your chicken; Godzilla; a Top Ten list; and Dave’s passport photos.

“ . . . . and now, your friendly street corner cobbler . . . . . . David Letterman.

ACT 1:

-“Red Lobster is going out of business. Here’s how I found out . . . CBS had to move my retirement party . . . . . . . . . . to Olive Garden.”

Barbara Walters has retired. We take a look to see what she’s up to. We find her working the slots; dropping coin, pulling the lever. Again and again.

Did you watch the Billboard Music Awards last night. They bought Michael Jackson back to life with one of those hologram things. It was a very good one. But not all holograms are created equal. We take a look at this, “Good Hologram, Bad Hologram.”
ANNOUNCE: “Good hologram.”
Good Hologram – we see Michael Jackson dancing/singing.
ANNOUNCE: “Bad hologram.”
Bad Hologram – we see George W. Bush dancing.
ANNOUNCE: “Thanks for watching ‘Good Hologram, Bad Hologram.’”

Pope Francis recently said that he’d baptize space aliens if they asked to be baptized. The Pope made the big announcement at this past Sunday’s mass. We take a look.
We see the Pope giving that Star Trek/Spock hand signal, making a V by parting the ring finger from the middle finger. He speaks, “Live long and prosper.” Cut to the Cardinals in the audience. They return the Star Trek/Spock hand signal while wearing their Spock ears.

We hear a loud, repeating alarm/honking noise. It’s coming from stagehand Gene Szymanski. He stops by Dave and says, “Come on Dave, fire alarm. We should get out of here.” Gene goes back to making the noise.
DAVE: "Gene . . . Gene! I think we're OK."
GENE: "Fine, but just to be safe, I'm going home." Gene exits as he continues to honk.

Health officials have traced an outbreak of salmonella to people who kiss their pet chickens. For all of you chicken owners out there, the Centers For Disease Control has released this this important reminder.
ANNOUNCE: "In recent months, there have been dozens of cases in which people have contracted salmonella after kissing their pet chickens. That's why the Centers for Disease Control would like to remind you that before you kiss your pet chicken, you should cook it to an internal temperature of 165 degrees.” We see various shots of a guy cavorting and making nice with his chicken.

At the conclusion of that piece, Dave says, “Keep kissing that chicken.” Which brings to mind area newscaster Ernie Anastos, who once said, “Keep ‘givl’ing that chicken.”
In his defense, Ernie insists he said “plucking.” I don’t think so. What makes the clip so enjoyable is the reaction of his co-anchor who sits shocked and wide-eyed.

$93 million . . that’s what “Godzilla” earned in its opening weekend. It’s about a fake giant lizard. We take a look at a trailer.
ANNOUNCE: "The most fearsome monster in film history returns to the big screen. Godzilla! Watch as the mighty creature engages in a titanic battle against earth's most dangerous being."
We cut to Godzilla. He is getting kicked in the Godzilla-nuts by Solange Knowles.
ANNOUNCE: “’Godzilla.’”

ACT 2:
What’s this? Caught me by surprise. Dave has a stack of his passports he’s had over the years. He shows us his Passport photos from each.
1. A young Dave from the 70s. He’s young, happy, carefree.
2. Early 1980’s. He’s wearing his giant eyeglasses. I fully expected him to reach below his desk to put on his giant glasses. He keeps ‘em there right by the tissues.
3. The surly teen-like photo. Dave is in his late 40s. A cigarette dangles from his lips.
4. Some ten years later, it’s Dave in a prison haircut and smoking a cigar.
5. Ten years after that – Dave in a tuxedo.

10. Awfully similar to the thirty other Godzilla movies
9. Godzilla's refusal to eat anyone who isn't gluten-free
8. Bryan Cranston doing the whole movie as Lyndon Johnson
7. Not as funny as "Tyler Perry's Godzilla"
6. Humans defeat Godzilla in a dance-off
5. 3-D glasses did not fit my baby
4. Never articulates pro-monster side of debate
3. Monster's annoying catchphrase "Did I do that?"
2. Unnecessary to make Godzilla gay
1. Giant, oily lizard reminded people of Donald Sterling

ACT 3:

His 95th visit. Can we get 5 more before we say goodbye? Jack’s “Into The Wild” is up for 2 Daytime Emmy awards.
-Jack enters carrying two tote bags, each contacting a baby kangaroo. A newborn kangaroo is no bigger than a jellybean. They stay in the mother’s pouch for 9 months.
-Next up: Penguins. Cute, cuddly, furry baby penguins. The penguins feast on some tiny sardine-sized fish. I gotta tell you, those fish smelt. Hey! I bet that’s a joke that’s never been told before! There are 17 species of penguins, but only 5 live in cold.
-An alpaca – it had a very interesting face. And it looked like a big lamb/sheep. A lamb is a sheep less than 1-year old.

-Palm civet – What do we learn about the civet? It carries the SARS. Luckily, you can’t catch it by watching TV. Dave, on the other hand, may need to get checked. The civet is in the mongoose family. The civet/mongoose can kill a cobra by making it dizzy. In China, the civet is a dining delicacy.
-Two snow leopards. There just a bit more than a month old. Very cute. The fur is very soft. The snow leopard is endangered, with 300-500 left in the wild.
-Amour leopards – there are only about 35-40 left in the wild, so if you have one, take good care of it.
-A camel – if you’re ever stuck, a camel would be a good animal to have in your back pocket. You can use if for just about anything; cooking, drinking, riding, for tools. They’re like a Swiss Army Knife.

ANNOUNCE: “Join us again tomorrow as Dave welcomes Kid Scientists, Sarah Silverman, and We Are Scientists. Here is your tracking number: XTL77285G009AP6”

ACT 7:

From their new album, “Wig Out at Jagbags,” Stephen Malkmus and The Jicks performed “Houston Hades.”

And that was our show for Monday, May 19, 2014.

In the elevator the other day, an intern said, “Hey, Mike, going retro! I like the paisley shirt. Alright!” I laughed and thanked him, although I didn’t know my shirt was ‘retro.’ To me it was just a shirt I never got around to wearing or throwing out. And then I realized my paisley shirt was probably older than he was.

Time now for “An Apology That Only Sounded Like An Apology.”
My daughter Dominique and I were in a bit of a spat the other day. Hours later she came to me and apologized; “Dad, I’m sorry I acted like an ass. I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.”
This concludes, “An Apology That Only Sounded Like An Apology.”

Anybody see Godzilla, and how is it different from Cloverfield? And is Perry Mason in this one?

For the first time since pre-Islanders, I’m rooting for the New York Rangers. Hockey, it’s the best playoff sport there is.

Welcome back, Alan Kalter. Alan, like all bona fide true professionals, makes the difficult look easy.

Wishes he were an L.A. Laker, it’s Lawrence Lazarte
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
Twitter: @WahooMike

Wahoo Gazette Archive

Monday, May 18
Hovering! with Tom Hanks
Saturday, May 16
Oprah and Dave indulge in a selfie.
Thursday, May 14
Tom Waits, Dave and what's-his-name.
Wednesday, May 13
Julia and Dave squeeze in one last hug.
Tuesday, May 12
Adam Sandler performs a musical ode to Dave.