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Tuesday, May 20, 2014 Tom "Bones" Malone provides the joke of the night.
Show #4035
Kid Scientists, Sarah Silverman, and We Are Scientists.
PLUS: Godzilla News Roundup; Hillary Responds; Good Commencement Speech/Bad Commencement Speech; a Top Ten List; and Something From the Horn Section.

" . . . . and now, the elusive chanteuse . . . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE:
"Godzilla" - Dave isn't falling for it. The giant lizard that destroys cities doesn't exist. It's all make believe, but that hasn't stopped $93 million to be spent to see it in its opening weekend. We take a look at how our esteemed TV news is reporting the phenomena of Godzilla. Get out your pun book!
ART CARD: "'GODZILLA' NEWS ROUNDUP"
We see a montage of news anchors with the tremendous play on words around Godzilla. They emphasize the pun to make sure you don't miss their witticism. We hear:
"'Godzilla' stomped over all the competition"
"'Godzilla' stomps the competition"
"Stomped all over the competition"
"Stomped over the competition"
"Stomped the competition"
"Stomped out all the competition"
"Swallowed the competition"
"Clobbered the competition"
"Crushing the competition"
"Stomps the competition at the weekend box office."
"You could say it was a monster hit."
"Yeah."

Oh, what fun!

Karl Rove stirred up some controversy by suggesting Hillary Clinton might have brain damage from a fall she suffered a year or two ago, and may be unfit to be President. When did brain damage ever stop anybody from being President? Hillary has come out with this response.
ANNOUNCE: "Hillary Clinton assures Americans that her brain is perfectly healthy. To alleviate any doubts, Weill Cornell Medical Center will temporarily remove her brain to allow registered voters to view, poke, and inspect the organ."
We see staffers posing as registered voters viewing, poking, and inspecting Hillary's brain.
Hillary Clinton: Clin-sanity."
That joke was about as believable as Godzilla.

Dave is setting up a joke about a guy in Tennessee who was arrested for having sex with an ATM machine. In the guy's defense, where does it say you can't? Dave says police believe alcohol may be involved. Dave adds, "Having sex with a cash machine . . . isn't that what Donald Sterling's girlfriend has been doing?"

What's this? It's Paul. He apologizes ahead of time. He says he's never done this before but he wants to relay something just said to him by his trombonist, Tom "Bones" Malone, regarding the guy who had sex with the ATM. Paul: "Tom says, 'He came into some money.'"
Big reaction from the audience; big reaction from Dave. Dave looks over to writer Bill Scheft and wonders, "Why does our trombone guy have that and we don't?"
Kudos, Tom Malone, the nicest guy in the house. And, yes, I'm mad I didn't think of that one. It was right there! How did I miss it?

It's that time of year when colleges open its doors and release millions of unemployed with a degree into the system. We take a look at an example of a good commencement speech and a bad commencement speech.
ART CARD: "GOOD COMMENCEMENT SPEECH, BAD COMMENCEMENT SPEECH"
ANNOUNCE/ART CARD: "Good commencement speech." - we see President Barack Obama orating, something about where to sit for dinner.
ANNOUNCE/ART CARD: "Bad Commencement speech" - we see Toronto Mayor Rob Ford in a graduation cap dancing around behind a podiu . . . behind a lectern.
ANNOUNCE: "This has been 'Good Commencement Speech, Bad Commencement Speech.' "

ACT 2:
They are our best and brightest, here to demonstrate scientific principles they've learned.
- First up: Jakob Meyers - 15 years old and a freshman at Naperville North High School. His first year of high school was . . . . . interesting. Jakob is still single, but Dave imagines he has someone in mind. What do we have tonight? We have a large pop bottle. By adding a catalyst (manganese dioxide) to a bottle of 30% hydrogen peroxide, we will see steamed released in an exothermic reaction. The heat will actually shrink the bottle. Dave and Jakob put on their goggles. Dave then puts on some rubber gloves. Did you "Play The Dave?" Dave puts on the gloves and says to Paul, "Paul, this reminds me . . . I'm due for a physical." (DING!) Dave puts the manganese dioxide and drops it in the bottle and . . . . poof! A long steady stream of steam rises out of bottle. Very cool. Jakob then begins to explain what we just observed. Dave jumps in halfway through. He explains that in show business, you want to get out on the biggest laugh and reaction possible. The stream of steam was the big finish. It's where it should stop. Dave goes on to the next scientist.

- Sami Xu - 16 and a 10th grader at Naperville Central High School.
Sami is on the speech team in school. She also likes to swim and play badminton. I'm not much of a fan of the swimming, but there is no sport more under-appreciated than badminton. What is Sami's demonstration tonight? She will create a light saber. Here's how it works:
We experience conductivity to light a fluorescent bulb. Dave grabs hold of a Tesla coil and a chain is made from the coil, to Dave, and to the other two student scientists. The two scientists hold a fluorescent bulb between them. Everything will go fine just as long as none of them let go. The chain must remain unbroken. The Tesla coil is turned on and electricity flows through the chain, lighting the bulb. Very cool. Sami knows not to explain any further.

- Emma Bednar - 11, a 6th grader at Kennedy Junior High.
Does Emma enjoy school? She says, "Most of it." She's not too crazy about certain parts of certain subjects. Some of the science labs don't appeal to her, some math is a no go, and then there's the essays. Dave suggests that maybe she should consider dropping out. Emma has with her a t-shirt cannon.
We experience a combustion reaction when calcium carbide tablet is mixed with water to create acetylene gas. We have a PVC pipe with a Late Show t-shirt shoved in to one end. I believe any late night television program t-shirt would work as well. Dave mixes the water with the calcium carbide tablet and caps one end of the PVC pipe. Emma flips a switch that is attached to the cannon which creates a spark. And then we wait 5 seconds. Just as we start to think, "Uh oh, it isn't working," the mixture inside PVC pipe explodes and shoots out the Late Show t-shirt. Ta da!

Not seen, standing off in the wings proudly observing his young minions, the fatherly Lee Marek.

Dave really knows how to talk to the kids. He's a regular Art Linkletter.

ACT 3:
SARAH SILVERMAN
We just had the school kids on, and Sarah herself has something to do with schools. She's featured in a text book to illustrate the differences between meanings of "offensive." We take a look. It's a side-by-side photo of a football player playing on the offense, and Sarah, who is just offensive. It's her face, her character, that they text book people portray as offensive. Apparently, they thought Hitler, Stalin, or Donald Sterling are too nice. They aren't offensive enough.

Sarah's in the new film, "A Million Ways To Die In The West," which was filmed in Santa Fe, New Mexico. The natural scenery is breathtaking. Dave says with some trepidation the role she plays in the film is her. "You were made for this role . . . is that wrong of me to say? You play a whore." She plays a delightful whore in the old west but who won't have sex with her fiance because they are Christian and not yet married.

Sarah enjoys playing pick-up basketball games in her free time in California. On Saturdays, she and some stranger/friends climb a fence to get onto a school basketball court. Why climb the fence? Isn't there an opening you could easily walk though? Sarah stares, and then says, "Obviously not, Dave." What she likes more than the game itself is the trash talking. Her favorite is, "Not on my watch!"

"A Million Ways To Die In The West" - it opens May 30th. It is a comedy western produced, directed, and starring Seth MacFarlane. He's the guy behind "Family Guy" so you sorta know what's in store.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "Join us tomorrow when Dave's got Medal of Honor recipient, former sergeant Kyle White, Judy Greer, and Dierks Bentley. When we come back, red flags for when purchasing a used particle accelerator!"

ACT 6:
TOP TEN: QUESTIONS PEOPLE HAVE ABOUT DRINKABLE SUNSCREEN - a company has developed a drinkable sunscreen they claim is comparable to an SPF-30 lotion.

TOP TEN QUESTIONS PEOPLE HAVE ABOUT DRINKABLE SUNSCREEN
10. "What took so long?"
9. "Aren't you just talking about mayo?"
8. "Is it too soon to join a Class Action Lawsuit?"
7. "May I eat the bottle?"
6. "Technically, isn't all sunscreen drinkable?"
5. "Any plans to make drinkable bug spray?"
4. "Will this cure my MERS?"
3. "When did the FDA go out of business?"
2. "Any plans for smokable sunscreen?"
1. "Can I get my money back if it kills me?"

ACT 7:
WE ARE SCIENTISTS
From their most recent CD, "TV en Francais," We Are Scientists performed "Make It Easy"

And that was our show for Tuesday May 20, 2014.

Would being arrested for having sex with an ATM machine cause you to stop drinking, or make you hit the booze without ever stopping again?

Celebrity birthday today . . . Cher. Much of her has turned 68 years old.

Seeing the PVC pipe in the Kid Scientists demonstration reminded me of my newest creation. I've built a camping canopy using PVC piping and a large plastic drop cloth. It cost me less than $20 in its entirety but doubles the shaded area than that of a store-bought canopy. The savings will keep me in beer for weeks. And I was able to claim the huge Dairy Queen/Dilly Bar Styrofoam cooler that was delivered to the Late Show last month. It's only junk if you don't have the imagination. The canopy and the cooler will make their maiden appearance this weekend as I camp with the family in upstate New York.

I scribbled down some Top Ten backups in case there was a need.
TOP TEN QUESTIONS PEOPLE HAVE ABOUT DRINKABLE SUNSCREEN
- Does it have gluten?
- Will it prevent heartburn, too?
- Does it go with red or white wine?
- Why?
- Do you have edible deodorant?

Have you heard about the coffee shortage? I wouldn't worry about it . . . nothing to lose sleep over.

The guy in Tennessee was arrested for having sex with an ATM machine, and then after that he had sex with a picnic table. I wouldn't want to be that guy. I hear the ATM is in an angry jealous rage.

There is something wrong with me . . . . I'm thinking, "Well, I can understand a picnic table . . . . "

May 20, 1891 --- Thomas Alva Edison - the first public display of his prototype kinetoscope, and the birth of the cinematic movie projector. And from this, we were eventually bestowed "The Incredible Burt Wonderstone"
Thanks, Edison.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Fort Worth, Texas, it's Stacie Hatcher Hanes
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike


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