Michael Douglas, Paul Morrissey, and Kiesza.
PLUS: Alan’s Ride is Here; Shows That Would Be Better Under A Dome; a Dave Impression; the President in Colorado; a Top Ten List; and Graham Fenwick-Jones.
“ . . . and now, the Oak Ridge Boy with the deep voice . . . . . . . . David Letterman!”
I was off to the side in the audience during the ACT 1. I didn’t have a chance to make notes.
- “A new study says that the United States is now the world’s largest producer of oil. I guess anytime now we’ll be invading ourselves.”
We hear a car horn double-toot. And then again. And then again a double-toot of a car horn. What is going on? Announcer Alan Kalter suddenly gets up and exclaims:
ALAN: “Oh, sorry about that, Dave! My ride is here.”
Alan quickly puts on his hat and grabs his briefcase. He runs across stage to the guest entrance.
ALAN: “Have a great weekend.”
Alan is gone. We see him exiting the building and hopping into a waiting yellow cab. And he’s off.
The CBS summer hit, “Under The Dome,” is back and that means the return of our wildly popular and groundbreaking segment, “Shows That Would Be Better Under A Dome.” We watch.
ART CARD: SHOWS THAT WOULD BE BETTER UNDER A DOME
ANNOUNCE: “Tonight’s installment: ‘The Dr. Oz Show.’
We cut to Dr. Oz He is saying something quite odd about . . . about . . . dang it, I can’t remember. Underwear? Maybe it was about underwear. As Dr. Oz preaches, we hear the dome being lowered over him. His oration becomes muffled.
ANNOUNCE: “See you next time on ‘Shows That Would Be Better Under A Dome.’”
Do you like impressions? Dave’s got another one . . . . of himself. This is Dave this weekend. The actor prepares. Dave turns his back, fixes his hair, shakes out his arms and then turns back around to the audience:
DAVE: “One senior ticket for ‘Planet of the Apes.”
President Obama spent some time in Colorado Tuesday to check out how things are going since they legalized marijuana. We take a look at how that went.
We see the President at a lectern. Atop the lectern sits a marijuana bong. Wisps of smoke emanate. As the President speaks, the bong accidentally falls off the lectern to the ground. The President stops: “Whoops . . . . was that my . . . . (laughs) . . . where were we?”
Oh, that Barack!
ACT ONE TEASE: “We’re coming back with the Top Ten Films About Monkeys! . . . . . and Michael Douglas. TV Trivia: The Weather Channel has been in reruns since 2007.
The Late Show, sponsored by Aveeno. Naturally beautiful results.”
That was me!
Dave has Biff deliver a Dinner For Four certificate for a family in the audience who don’t have any plans. Apparently, they came to New York City and didn’t think it was necessary to make plans. The Late Show was the only thing on their docket.
TOP TEN FILMS ABOUT MONKEYS – The 8th movie in the “Planet of the Apes” franchise, “Dawn of The Planet of the Apes” opens Friday. We take a look at the Top Ten Films About Monkeys.
10. “Dirty, Hairy”
9. “You’ve Got Tail”
7. “Mission: Opposable”
6. “Thank You For Smoking, Monkey” – we take a look at a b&w clip of a monkey smoking. Dave doesn’t like that. He fears it only encourages other monkeys to smoke.
4. “La Femme Chiquita”
2. “Arnold and the Carrot” – we take a look at a clip of Arnold Schwarzenegger suggestively feeding a carrot to a pretty dame. I didn’t like that. I fear it only encourages former bodybuilders who came from Austria to become Governor of California to suggestively feed a carrot to a pretty dame.
1. “Jack Hanna and His Sisters.”
For my files – before the Top Ten, Dave urgently shouts, “We have to go and find that monkey!”
Michael’s dad, Kirk, is 97 and just finished his 12th book. It’s a book of poetry he titled, “It Could Be Verse.” Some are things he wrote, others are passages he likes. I remember watching Kirk Douglas in “Lust for Life,” the story of Vincent Van Gogh, when I was in high school. It’s well worth a revisit.
Side note: my friend likes to do a Burt Lancaster impression. He’s awful. When he does Lancaster, I do my Kirk Douglas. My Kirk Douglas is a lot worse than his Lancaster. But we always do it, usually around 2:00 AM when the bartender is flicking the lights.
Dave enjoys seeing Michael Douglas because they share having young children. Dave and Michael tells their tales of spending time with them, particularly fly fishing. Dave says the greatest test of patience is fishing with your 10-year-old son. There’s a lot of “Daaaaaaaaaad!”
Michael is now involved with the Marvel comic movie craziness. He plays an Ant Man in an upcoming movie and has been invited to a Comic Convention. Comic Con is not something you joke about. Fans of the comics and the Marvel movies take this stuff very seriously. Michael will be taking his Ant Man character to the Comic Con in San Diego. Dave has a lot of questions for Michael about Ant Man, but it soon becomes apparent that Michael is limited. He sheepishly admits, “I’m not a comic guy.”
Michael’s new film, “And So It Goes,” is a romantic comedy he stars with Diane Keaton, directed by Rob Reiner. Michael and Rob go way way back, first appearing in a film together in a 1971 film, “Summertree.” It became available on DVD in 2009 and currently ranks 269,056 in Movies and TV on the Amazon Best Sellers list. Michael says both he and Rob received awful reviews. “And So It Goes” is expected to do better, and how could it not? It has Diane Keaton!
And So It Goes” – in theaters July 25th.
The World Cup Final is on Sunday. Obviously, soccer is much more popular in other countries than it is here, so for more on the World Cup, we go to CBS Chief Foreign Correspondent Graham Fenwick-Jones.
Split screen: Dave, and Graham Fenwick-Jones in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil.
DAVE: “Good evening, Graham. Thanks for joining us.”
GRAHAM: “Thank you and good evening, Dave.”
DAVE: “How would you describe the mood there in Brazil, now that the United States and Brazil have been eliminated?”
GRAHAM: “It’s gloomy here since Germany put the mockers on Brazil’s World Cup hopes. Brazilians are dischuffed at the right pasting they took, but the Jerrys are jumped up and strutting about like Lord Muck. Apples and pears and Bob’s your uncle.”
DAVE: “That’s very interesting. And what’s your prediction for the final match?”
GRAHAM: “I wouldn’t wager my lolly either way. But I’ll be watching at the local while I’m on the pull for snockered Brazilian slags seeking comfort in a few pints and a bit of slap-and-tickle in my Vauxhall. Toodle pip and bubble and squeak.”
DAVE: “Good point. Some people say this year is the turning point when Americans finally embrace soccer. What do you think?”
GRAHAM: “Gordon Bennett, the world cares sod all what you podgy prats watch while hoovering pudding into your manky mushes. Now if you’re done piddling about, the old chap sees a bit of spare with capital norks who looks keen for a tupping. Bangers and mash and tickety-boo.”
DAVE: “Thank you, Graham. I really enjoy these moments when we get to talk.”
GRAHAM: “Bog off, you lazy lob.”
That’s how it was scripted, anyway. Graham may have thought Dave went off script, which green-lighted him to follow, but I don’t think Dave did go off, or if he did, it wasn’t very far. It turned into a bit of a pish-posh muddy of muckety scog (gee, this is kinda easy).
Oh, and I think Dave may have misspoke when he said it remained to be seen who would be in the World Cup Finals. While this was being taped, the Netherlands/Argentina game was just going into penalty kicks overtime.
ANNOUNCE: “Hope to see you tomorrow for Dave and his guests Mark Wahlberg, Director Ben Falcone, and Hurray for The Riff Raff. When we come back, embarrassing photos of today’s trees when they were just awkward saplings.”
His new comedy album is available for purchase on iTunes, “Paul Morrissey’s Back.”
Paul talks about rental cars, his pale hue, going to a nutritionist is like going to confession, fast food, and common law marriage.
She made her network television debut with us tonight. The energetic Keisza performed “Hideaway” and during the performance, went outside. I thought she was joining Alan for a minute, but she merely went outside to play in the spray of the fire hydrant. Oh, those kids!
And that was our show for Thursday July 11, 2014.
I filled in for Alan in the ACT 1 tease going into commercial. Alan, remember, left when his cab arrived. When it was decided Alan’s ride was in for the show, I was “asked” to take Alan’s spot. I did a quick read of the script, hoping there weren’t too many difficult diphthongs or digraphs. I was pleased to find it was quite a simple read. The most difficult thing is the timing. You want your announce to match the graphics when displayed. Alan no longer needs too many cues in his read. Me, I’m concentrating too much on the read to be concerned about the timing. We did another take after the show to tidy it up a bit.
Don’t forget, free slushies at 7/11 on Friday.
Cortland representing, tonight! Comedian Paul Morrissey attended college at central New York’s SUNY Cortland back in the mid-90s and was the basketball team’s point guard. My stay at Cortland was two decades earlier and was the Hendricks Hall R.A. You heard me tonight in the ACT 1 bumper tease. You heard and saw Paul in the ACT 6 doing stand-up. Yeah, C-State! Getting’ it done on the CBS!
Oh, and Paul’s dad also did the dribble for the Red Dragons back in the 60s.
After reading tonight’s Wahoo for the second time, click on over to Paul Morrissey’s website at
www.paulhasawebsite.com and take a look-see of his Alley Oop podcast. Very entertaining.
And check out what SUNY Cortland proudly blurbs about Paul.
Here’s this weekend’s idle chatter for the barstool. How did they come up with the word “Pot” for marijuana? And am I the only one who calls it “Mary Jane” when referring to the weed?
If you respond, I want both what you thought before and after you looked up “Pot” on the internets.
I get a lot of this lately:
- “You work on the Letterman show? I’d do anything to get tickets!”
- Me: “Have you tried writing in?”
How many of the 8 Planet of the Apes movies can you name?
1. Planet of the Apes.
2. Beneath the PotA
3. Escape from the PotA
4. Conquest of the PotA
5. Battle For the PotA
6. A remake of the PotA
7. Rise of the PotA
8. Dawn of the PotA.
I just looked up the origin of “Pot” for marijuana. Not that interesting. I was hoping for something more.
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
It would be her birthday Friday, July 11th. Happy Birthday to “Maybeso” Laura Ryan. The Wahoo Gazette misses you.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Michael Z. McIntee