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Monday, July 14, 2014 Sue Hum doesn't bake, but she offers Dave a taste of her beater.
Show #4057
Kurt Russell, Hannibal Buress, and Sturgill Simpson.
PLUS: the supermoon; a new report; Sue Hum with a beater; Presidential “beater” nicknames; and a Top Ten list.

“ . . . and now, head security guard at the Bastille . . . . . . . . David Letterman!”

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE

-“Did you see the Supermoon on Saturday night? It was so close, Justin Bieber was throwing eggs at it.” – (I’m glad to see Bob Hope’s joke writers are still working)
-“The Planet of the Apes movie is more fun than a barrel full of people.” (A groaner! I love ‘groaner’ jokes! The worse the better.)
-“The Germany Soccer team won the World Cup. They then received a congratulatory phone call from Angela Merkel . . . . and we know that because we are still bugging the phone.”

The Supermoon was over Dave’s house and he quickly asked his son for this cellphone photo/video-taker. Dave wanted to record this very rare natural occurrence. Dave brought in the footage he shot from his driveway Saturday night. We take a look.
We see the exterior of Dave’s modest home. The moon moves in. It is so big and flying so low that it hits Dave’s satellite TV antenna atop his house, knocking it off onto his car in the driveway below. Uh oh, better get Geico!

Hey, have you seen this new report? We take a look.
ANNOUNCE: "According to a new report, since last year the number of new reports has increased 35%. This new report also found that a new report receives prominent attention in print, online and TV news sources for a day or two, after which Americans lose interest in the new report. The process repeats itself upon release of another new report.
This report has been brought to you by Outback Steakhouse and the Church of Latter-Day Saints."

Hey, it’s Sue Hum. Out of the clip, we see our costume designer Sue Hum standing by Dave. She is holding an electric beater that is full of icing. Oh, yum. It’s a treat enjoyed by all ages.
DAVE: "Oh, hi, Sue. It's our costume designer, Sue Hum. Sue, nice to see you! How are you?”
SUE: “Do you want to lick the beater?" (offering the vanilla icing-laced beater)
DAVE: “Gee, you know I really haven't done this since I was a kid. Sure, I'll try some."
Dave takes the beater and takes a nice lick of the beater. He approves.
DAVE: “Oh, yeah. Wow! That's very tasty! Are you making a cake, Sue?"
SUE: "No, no. I don't bake."
Uh huh. Dave offers the beater back to Sue.
SUE: "No, thanks. You keep it.” Sue exits.

PLAY THE DAVE: What will Dave do with the beater? It was written that he would put it in his pocket, but I wasn’t buying that. After running through the rolodex in my mind of what Dave would do, I landed on “Tony.” My guess was he would give the beater to Tony.
Dave looks around and decides to toss it to a guy in the audience.

I now realize Tony wouldn’t be able to handle his cue cards with one hand on the beater. BUZZ! I didn’t think that one through. Dave did.

According to the New York Times, former President Warren G. Harding and his mistress had a nickname for his male part . . . for his . . . . PLAY THE DAVE . . . for his, uhhh . . . . for his “beater”. Dang it. Perfect callback by Dave. President Harding nicknamed it “Jerry.” Our research department discovered that many Presidents had a nickname for their “beater.” We take a look.
ART CARD: PRESIDENTIAL ANATOMY NICKNAMES
George Washington: Sparky
John Adams: Luigi
Thomas Jefferson: Nacho (were nachos around in TJ’s day?)
James Madison: Tito
James Monroe: Dusty (not a good name for something you’d want to be active)
John Quincy Adams: Roberto
Andrew Jackson: Ernie
Martin Van Buren: Billy Dee
William Henry Harrison: Pappy
John Tyler: Otto
James K. Polk: Rudy (not The Polker?)
Zachary Taylor: Apollo
Millard Fillmore: Mitch
Franklin Pierce: Izzy
James Buchanan: Chief
Abraham Lincoln: Stovepipe Stan
Andrew Johnson: Cecil
Ulysses S. Grant: Ira
Rutherford B. Hayes: Glen
James A. Garfield: Dante
Chester A. Arthur: Hobart
Grover Cleveland: Giuseppe
Benjamin Harrison: Jethro
William McKinley: Dudley
Theodore Roosevelt: Huey (not The Big Stick?)
William Howard Taft: Seamus (not The Taft Shaft?)
Woodrow Wilson: Floyd (not Woody?)
Calvin Coolidge: Hugo
Warren G. Harding: Jerry
Herbert Hoover: Lomax
Franklin D. Roosevelt: Mad Dog
Harry S. Truman: Armando
Dwight D. Eisenhower: Roscoe (not Ike, as in I Like Ike?)
Lyndon B. Johnson: Vernon
Richard M. Nixon: Merv
Gerald R. Ford: Fonzie (not Go Further?)
Jimmy Carter: Sheldon Hodges
Ronald Reagan: Gene
George H. W. Bush: Gomez
William Jefferson Clinton: Jericho Tiberius Cornwallis IV
George W. Bush: Chuck Norris
Barack Hussein Obama: The Barack Ness Monster

You got any? Send ‘em in.

ACT 2:
Dave isn’t one to toot his own horn . . . but he would if he could . . . but he can’t keep quiet following LeBron James return to Cleveland. Since the day LeBron left Cleveland for Miami, Dave begged for his return. It would be great for the city. The people deserve it. And now that LeBron is back, Dave feels he had something to do with that decision (Shhhh . . . let him.)

TOP TEN: FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE ROBOTIC MULE – After three years of testing, the United States Marines have developed a robotic mule that can carry 400 pounds for 20 miles over rugged terrain without refueling. We take a look at a clip of the robotic mule. I expect to see this footage put to music in the coming days.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE ROBOTIC MULE
10. "Will it take away jobs from actual mules?"
9. "Can I keep him, Pa?"
8. "Will it get along with my mechanical yak?"
7. "Does it have that authentic mule smell?"
6. "Should I buy or lease?"
5. "Will I need a new charger?"
4. "How soon before it tries to kill me?"
3. "Does it kick better than Brazil's soccer team?"
2. "Can it do THIS?" (video of stripper robot)
1. "Robotic mule? You mean John Kerry?"

ACT 3:
KURT RUSSELL

The Disney kid is promoting the new Netflix documentary, “The Battered Bastards of Baseball.” It’s about a 1970s independent minor league baseball team in Portland, Oregon. Being independent, the team had no affiliation with any major league team. The players on this Portland Mavericks team were made up of players who were overlooked or deemed not up to professional baseball caliber. They were the forgotten, the unwanted, the discarded. This gathering of young players with a dream played minor league teams in the area, teams what had the backing and support of the big shots of Major League Baseball. And the community-friendly, fun-loving Mavericks won, and continued to win. They were so successful that Major League Baseball eventually came in and muscled them out. The team was the brainchild of Kurt’s dad, Bing Russell. Bing put an ad in the Sporting News and 300 wanna-bes showed up from all over the country. Yup, that’s the hold baseball has on America. Dave refers to Bing Russell as a 360-degree guy, a guy who can do it all; sports/business/promotion/history/entertainment.
“The Battered Bastards of Baseball” is at the top of my list of must-sees. In fact, it’s probably my top three choices. This is right up my alley. It covers baseball, fun, minor leagues, grassroots vs. the establishment, and probably a bit about how Major League Baseball is ruining baseball. The story sounds so good to me that I’m willing to pay money to see it. It’s on the Netflix, and you can see it in theaters in New York and Los Angeles this week.

I think I’ll enjoy the movie while sipping on some GoGi wine, a Kurt Russell creation. I don’t like wine much, but I think I would like to make it. Sounds like a good hobby that has a nice kick at the end.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: “Get back here tomorrow for Dave and his guest Jason Segel, Liv Tyler, and Trampled By Turtles. This is Johnny Olsen speaking for ‘The Price is Right.’”

ACT 6:
HANNIBAL BURESS

Comedian Hannibal Buress is promoting the Funny or Die Oddball Comedy and Curiosity Festival which will begin touring the country in August. I remember Hannibal being on the show on January 7, 2011 and loving his set. I wrote: COMEDIAN, HANNIBAL BURESS: Whoa! FUNNY! I really liked this guy! He reminded me quite a bit of another of my favorites, the late Mitch Hedberg. I’ll be giving this guy’s CD, “My Name Is Hannibal,” a listen.
Also on the Oddball Festival tour are Louis CK, Bill Burr, Demtri Martin, Amy Schumer, Jeff Ross, Jim Gaffigan, Whitney Cummings, Sarah Silverman, Aziz Ansari, and Marc Maron, among others.

Hannibal tours quite a bit and finds that New Orleans is one of his favorite places. He doesn’t quite get the name of the New Orleans basketball team: The Pelicans. Doesn’t strike fear in the opponent, unless you’re a small fish or a pigeon. The worst nickname for a sports team: The Spurs. A spur is nothing but a part of a boot.

The Oddball Comedy and Curiosity Festival – it all starts August 8th at the PNC Arts Center in Holmdel, New Jersey, right off the Garden State Parkway, and then continues all across the country.

ACT 7:
STURGILL SIMPSON

From his album, “Metamodern Sounds in Country Music,” Sturgill Simpson, making his network television debut, performed “Life of Sin.”
Now that’s how country music is supposed to sound! Good going!

And that was our show for Monday, July 14, 2014.

It’s Germany! And I missed the whole thing. I was at the swim club and listened to bits and piece of the game on the radio. This didn’t help much since I knew no one on either team. I think the ESPN radio realized that and continued to reference Germany or Argentina rather than the players. I pretended to be able to follow what was going on.

Have you been to the beach lately? Where are all the radios? It used to be there would be a battle of the boom boxes up and down the beach. You would plant yourself to whoever was playing the music to your liking. A good song would come on and you would nod at strangers nearby. Heavens, even a conversation might ensue about a concert or an album. Now, it seems everything is earphoned. Nobody is sharing what they are listening to. Sure, it used to be a bit obnoxious to have to listen to someone’s noise of Journey and Foreigner and Kansas and Boston when you wanted to hear Stones and Bowie and Creedence and Springsteen, but at least there was a notice of those around you, a sense of community, both good and no so good. The other day I was listening to some Woody Guthrie at the pool and I felt I had to turn it way down. I didn’t want to be a distraction. No one else had a radio. It felt like there was a big “Shhhhh” in the air. There was no music, and if there was music, it was enjoyed privately with earbuds without interaction with anyone else. I guess the quiet can be good, but I sorta miss the sound-battle on the beach between WPLJ and WNEW and WAPP and 99-XLO and WKTU and the Yankee game. Kids! You’re missing out!

The social media isn’t social at all.

Ever experience a beautiful sunset and someone says, “Hey, look at this picture I took of the sunset” and everybody gathers around to look at the picture? Silly, isn’t it?

Crazy decisions in the NBA last week. Jason Kidd left cool and hip Brooklyn to go to Milwaukee. LeBron James left happenin’ Miami for Cleveland. And Carmelo Anthony left anyplace for the New York Knicks.

My brother reminded me of a comic strip idea I once had. One panel; each day exactly the same as the last. It’s a daily thought from a curmudgeon at the a mumbling something to the barkeep. I’ve decided to greenlight it. it’s a go. A “go” to where remains to be seen.

Surprise me in your will!
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Nova High School in Davie, Florida, it’s Linda C. Walters.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

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