Emma Stone, Nathan Fielder, and American Authors.
PLUS: Celibacy for priests over?; the FDNY calendar; baseball All-Star week continues; a Top Ten list; and pop goes the light fixture.
“ . . . and now, the man Archie Andrews was defending . . . . . . . David Letterman!”
-“New Jersey Governor Chris Christie will be appearing at an Iowa cookout. A warning to guests: Don’t get between the Governor and the potato salad.”
Dave mentions how the groundbreaking Pope Francis might push the Catholic Church to put an end of celibacy for priests. And with that, women in the balcony scream in carnal joy.
Here’s the full report on the Pope’s consideration of this earth-shattering decision.
ANNOUNCE: "Pope Francis has proposed repealing clerical celibacy, a practice which dates back to the beginning of the Catholic Church. The pope made the announcement to a group of bishops today at the Vatican, then took several hours of questions."
We cut to Pope Francis. He is giving a sex ed lesson to a bevy of bishops.
POPE FRANCIS: "When two people love each other very much, they become more than just good friends. Eventually they might get married, and have a baby. The mommy and daddy make the baby together, but it grows inside the mommy . . . ."
ANNOUNCE: "Jeff Carmichael, CNN."
The latest edition of the New York Fire Department calendar is out, and this year it’s even more exciting. We take a look at this promo/commercial.
ANNOUNCE: "The FDNY calendar is here, and it's sizzling hot! A full year of shirtless, hunky heroes! Also available, the companion calendar: ‘Just the Shirts.’
(montage of shirts) "All the sexy, stylish shirts the firefighters weren't wearing. Mmmmmmm, Smoking!
The FDNY: the calendar people."
Enjoy the baseball All-Star game last night? Also known as “The Derek Jeter Show.” Monday was the Home Run Derby, last night was the All-Star game, and did you see what they were doing tonight? We take a look at this highlight.
We see two kitty cats playing on some rocks. We hear ESPN’s Chris Berman doing his tired home run “back back back” schtick.
BERMAN: “Way back! Way back! Back back back back back . . . . . . gone!“
Meanwhile, one of the kitties is slowly moving back . . . and then falls backwards.
GRAPHIC: "CHRIS BERMAN PRESENTS: THE KITTYCAT DERBY."
ANNOUNCE: “’The Kittycat Derby’ will continue in a moment, only on ‘Animal Planet.’"
Fans of Comcast? Did you hear about the guy who tried to cancel his Comcast cable? As Dave starts getting in to it, a lightbulb POPS behind Dave. Dave, always quick with the quip, says: “No, Mrs. Lincoln, he’s fine.”
What was that? Dave gets up to investigate. He can’t find the culprit. He continues his search. Nancy at the podium receives guesses over her headphone and relays them to Dave. It may be one of the lights on the floor in the skyline. Nope. No, she meant to say one of the lights above. Nope. An electrician is called in. Shawn, a new dad just last week, enters to aid in the investigation. Shawn pretends to spot the problem up above. Dave introduces himself and they part. The light will be fixed later. Whatever it was, it’ll cost Dave $200 just to have the electrician show up. Am I right, homeowners?!
TOP TEN THINGS SAID BY A CRAZY CUSTOMER SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE
A guy tried to cancel his Comcast Cable. The service rep had him going in circles for 20 minutes, not allowing him to go through with the cancelation. The rep probably was in line for a bonus from Comcast, but since the conversation exchange was captured on audio/video, he will probably be punished in some way. We give a listen to some of the conversation.
Now Comcast has to pretend they don’t condone their customer service reps to behave in such a manner, thought that’s probably exactly how they are trained.
TOP TEN THINGS SAID BY A CRAZY CUSTOMER SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE
Top Ten Things Said By A Crazy Customer Service Representative
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
10. "How'd you get this number?!"
9. "For each question you ask, I'll remove an article of clothing"
8. "Are you breaking up with me?!"
7. "Hang on -- spilled my beer"
6. "Press '1' to speak to my alter ego, Super Tom!"
5. "To continue in Spanish, move to Mexico"
4. "Excuse my whispering, I mustn't wake mother"
3. "Let's talk about MY problems"
2. "To access your account, I'll need your name, phone number, and inseam"
1. "What's your address? I'm coming over"
She’s in the new Woody Allen movie, “Magic In The Moonlight.” The film takes place in the South of France and there may not be a more beautiful place in the world. It takes place in the 1920’s dealing with mysticism and the other-worldliness. Emma says she believes in psychics and mysticism and ghosts and stuff. Dave says he thinks he experiences some psychic presence of an old friend. It’s a fleeting feeling, but he certainly senses something.
Emma says she gets a similar metaphysical experience. There is a long family history about quarters. She believes her grandfather leaves quarters for her to find. It’s his way of saying ”hello”.
Hey, I have something for this. If Dave is talking about the person I think he is, I have a connection. I met the cousin of this person Dave was referring to back home. He was this woman’s older cousin. As young kids, whenever this woman . . . . girl . . was upset, he would give her a quarter to cheer her up. Hey, see that? Dave’s experience and Emma’s experience . . . as one with me. So one day the woman was having a hard day at work. She needed some cheering up. I went up to her and said, “Your cousin Paul told me to give this to you,” and then I slipped a quarter into her palm. She laughed a quick laugh and put it in her pocket. She was still irked about something. The next day when she her day was better, she said the quarter helped her get through the day and wanted to know how I knew her cousin. Big laughs, small world.
“Magic In The Moonlight” – opens July 25th in selected cities. I’m a Woody guy. I’ll be there.
Tonight’s installment into the Backstage PhotoClub: Annette Guardabascio, the busy woman from the 8th floor.
ANNOUNCE: “We’re firing it up again tomorrow as Dave welcomes Colin Firth, comedian Tommy Johnagin, and St. Vincent. Visit cbs.com/lateshow to watch St. Vincent Live on Letterman. St. Vincent’s exclusive online concert from the Ed Sullivan Theater can be streamed on demand.
Sainthood for amusement purposes only.”
He directs, co-writes, and stars on the popular Comedy Central program, “Nathan For You.”
Nathan, a Canadian, isn’t sure if he should mention this, but he has a problem with his Green Card. He shows it to the camera. His Green Card claims he is female. So far it hasn’t stopped his passage in either direction. Whenever a security border guard inspects the card for a long time, Nathan knows what the guy is thinking. But he also knows the guard is wondering how to broach the subject. He likens it to seeing a woman who you aren’t sure is pregnant or not. It’s best not to ask. So when the guard sees ”Female” . . . . he must be wondering if Nathan is . . . or . . . had something done. Nathan has decided to attack with confidence. He will bring up, “Is there a problem?” The guard, not sure what to say and not wanting to be bogged down in any kind of paper work, quickly denies any problem and will wave him through.
“Nathan For You” – Nathan goes to small businesses and will push an idea to increase sales . . . in odd and unusual ways. He went to one gas station and offered very cheap gasoline. Customers would pay the full price, but you would get a huge rebate. To claim the rebate, though, you would have to redeem it in person atop a high mountain peak. Few would get the rebate, but all would buy the gas at full price. Dave has a whole bunch of questions about this mountain/rebate venture. When Nathan is quick with an answer for each query, Dave went with the tried and true: “What is the elevation of the mountain.” I’ve found that Dave likes to ask questions about locations and will keep asking questions until you say “I don’t know.” He usually does this when we come back from vacation. When Dave is reaching the end of his question list and all the questions have been answered, he’ll ask, “And what is the elevation?” For this reason, whenever Dave asks me about my vacation I tell him I went to the beach.
“Nathan For You” – Tuesdays at 10:30 PM on the Comedy Central.
From the debut album, “Oh, What A Life,” American Authors performed “Believer.”
And that was our show for Wednesday, July 16, 2013.
It’s like the 1980’s! Outside on the street as I write up this Wahoo, a car alarm is blaring non-stop. It’s a high shrieking whistle that goes on and on and on. I used to get a lot of complaints about this when I was an NYPD officer. Usually, the complaint came from the car owner. It would be early morning and his car would be covered in garbage and feces and dirt and mud and even acid. The car alarm would be going on and on. The car owner wanted a report made on the damage to his car. And every time I would take a report, a pedestrian would walk by and say how the car alarm was going off all night long, keeping the entire neighborhood up. The pedestrian would never admit guilt to the criminal mischief, but he would throw in how the car owner deserved what he got. I would silently agree.
I gave a quick inspection of the skyline to find where the POP may have come from. I thought I saw the POP behind Dave’s right elbow, but now I think it may have been just a reflection. Anyway, there are tiny streetlights along the West Side Highway right behind Dave. Of the 10 or so that run along the highway, one is out. And the one that is out seems to be where I thought I saw the flash. The POP, though, was too loud for such a small streetlight. I’ll check with Shawn the electrician on Monday to see what he found.
And since our days are numbered here, I think I got a piece of glass in my eye from the broken light. I better get that down on paper.
Archie Andrews --- this is what happens when you do away with “stop and frisk”
The Pope is considering ending celibacy in the priesthood . . .I guess that means marriage. So if a priest at St. Patrick’s marries, then divorces, does she get the Cathedral?
This priest/celibacy thing . . . we have a priest in our Parish who is quite the looker. Many of the lady parishioners refer to him as Father Handsome and Father What-A-Waste.
Thank you, Jason Segel! Jason and Dave shared their love of sandwiches the other night. Dave listed his favorite as ham and sharp cheddar. So on Wednesday, Jason sent enough ham and sharp cheddar cheese sandwiches to the Ed Sullivan Theater building to feed the entire staff. Lunch was on Jason today! Thanks, J!
“How I Got My Sandwich” – only on CBS.
I was flipping the channels the other day and watched a few episodes of Restaurant Rescue with Robert Irvine on the Food Network. Irvine comes to a failing restaurant and puts it on a new path in 48 hours. The few I watched were basically the same: the food stinks, the décor is awful, the service dreadful. And then Irvine and his team fix the place up in 48 hours. Ta da! Happy ending! Why it has to be done in 48 hours I don’t know. It adds to the tension, I guess. And then I watched a few episode of Gordon Ramsey’s Kitchen Nightmares on the USA. Same show. Food stinks, the décor is awful, and the service dreadful. Gordon gets in there and puts the restaurant on the right path. Ta da! Happy ending. It’s the same show. It reminds me of SuperNanny and Nanny 911.
I was more of a SuperNanny guy.
Next we’ll hear that Al Downing grooved one.
My theory on Adam Wainwright admitting he grooved one for Derek Jeter at the All-Star Game. He put an easy one over the plate so Derek could get a hit in his last All Star Game. Nope. Not buying it. Many thought the Dodger’s Clayton Kershaw should have been the starting pitcher for the National League. NL manager, and Cardinal manager, Mike Matheny decided to go with his own pitcher Adam Wainwright. Fine. But then Wainwright lets up 3 runs in the only inning he pitched, putting the National League in a 3-0 hole.
Embarrassed, Wainwright pretends he let Jeter get a hit. It doesn’t explain away Trout’s triple and Cabrera’s home run, but he puts it out there that he let some of the first inning damage to happen. Nope. Not buying it. They pounded him and that’s all that’s to it. It happens. Live with it.
Hey, the St. Vincent webcast is on NOW!
I gotta go. I gotta throw a rock through a car window.
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Elvis Presley fan from Rapid City, South Dakota and a graduate of St. Martin’s Academy, it’s Lois Holbrook.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Michael Z. McIntee