CBS

Search By Date
M T W Th F
Friday, July 18, 2014 Intern Todd has fun at the 2014 All-Star Game.
Show #4060
Colin Firth, Tommy Johnagin, and St. Vincent.
PLUS: The All-Star game; Pope and Celibacy; the Emergency Alert System; Comcast responds; Recorded History Wrap Up; a Top Ten List; and Todd the Intern with a report on the baseball All-Star game.

“ . . . and now, a man who eats lentils on game day . . . . . David Letterman!”

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE
- “Colin Firth is here. He’s a very busy actor, because he’s also Clive Owen.”
- “Pope Francis wants to repeal celibacy for priests. I don’t know. . . . do you really want a priest to show up at your last rites with a date?”

Did you see the All-Star game last night? It may be a coincidence, but Dave noticed something a bit odd. Maybe the players were watching too much World Cup? We take a look.
We see a low and outside pitch. The catcher lunges to make the stop. The batter immediately falls to the ground grabbing his leg. I have to question the validity of the “injury”.

Pope Francis recently promised solutions to the issue of priestly celibacy. It looks like he’s getting into the action already. Did you see what he did last night? We take a look.
We see the shirtless Pope dancing the night away at a swanky nightclub. You can tell it’s the Pope by his big hat.

The FCC wants to update the Emergency Alert System so the President can instantly interrupt every television station with a message if the need arises. Critics say the new system could be abused, but Dave can’t imagine any President . . . . . Dave is suddenly cut off.
GRAPHIC: PRESIDENTIAL SEAL
ANNOUNCE: “We interrupt this message so the President can tell America what he had for lunch.”
OBAMA: “A good bowl of matzo ball soup.”
ANNOUNCE: “This concludes today’s Presidential Lunch Update. We now return to whatever garbage you were watching.”

Did you hear about the guy who called Comcast to cancel his service, but the Comcast rep wouldn’t let him? Kept him on the phone for twenty minutes. Comcast handled the fallout really well. We take a look.
ANNOUNCE: “Comcast apologizes for the way our call center representative handled the customer attempting to cancel his service. In response, we’ve developed an online method to quickly close your account. Simply submit your name and account number to:
www/Comcast.com/customer/customerservice/help-and-support/phone-and-internet/my-service/
modify-service/moving-transfer-or-cancel-service/cancel-service/cancellation-instructions/
cancellation-agreement/cancellation/cancelling-service/cancel-service/cancel/cancel_not.html.
A message from Comcast: We Drink All We Can, The Rest We Sell.”
I was expecting an “It’s just that easy” at the end. BUZZ.

A never-before-contacted tribe in Brazil has reached the outside world for the first time. An educational video was prepared to let them experience the great strides made by man throughout history. I’m not sure what the tribe will watch it on, but we have the video here. We take a look.
GRAPHIC: RECORDED HISTORY WRAP UP
ANNOUNCE: “3400 BC – humans develop written language.
1969 – man walks on the moon.
2014 – the golf urinal. (we see an infomercial for the golf urinal ---- you can pee right into the shaft of the urinal golf club!)
See you next time on Recorded History Wrap Up.

During the monologue, Dave talked a bit about the 45 Anniversary of the moon landing. Some years ago, after much effort, we had finally gotten Neil Armstrong to agree to be a guest on our show. But he said he didn’t want to talk about the moon. I’ve heard that joke a few times before. Always like it.

ACT 2:
It’s Todd! We sent our intern, Todd, out to Minnesota this week to file a report on Major League baseball’s All-Star game. Todd’s been our intern since 2009. Any advice to incoming interns? Be quick on the copier, be quick with the coffee. How is Minnesota? Todd says the people are super nice. He bought water from a vendor, and then the vendor told him where he could refill it for free when he’s done. I guess the vendor is unfamiliar with repeat business.

Todd introduces his report. He spends time with some of the greats of baseball, particularly pitcher David Price of the Tampa Bay Rays. David Price may not know it yet but he’s a future Yankee. Hopefully, he’ll be in pinstripes closer to when he’s 30 than when he’s 40.

ACT 3:
COLIN FIRTH
He’s wearing the dark-rimmed glasses, made popular by LeBron James and former Late Show researcher Chris Moloney. I don’t know, was LeBron first? For years, the black rimmed eyeglasses were considered nerdish. Now, they’re cool. Can’t wait for the receding hair line to come in to fashion. Dave likens Colin’s appearance as Prime Ministerial. It may have had something to do with Mr. Firth’s been named by the Queen as the Commander of the British Empire. What’s that get him? Not much. It certainly doesn’t get him the respect and honor the title deserves. The family isn’t impressed. Colin was even named in one of those “Most Influential” lists found in magazines. When told of his dad’s accomplishment, Colin’s son said, “You’re not even the most influential person in this house.” Colin’s film, Woody Allen’s “Magic In The Moonlight,” opens in select cities July 25th. It takes place in the south of France. Colin says it is so beautiful there you wake up talented. Everything is better there.

To close, Dave says to Mr. Firth: “If I could be at least half as charming as you are, the rest of the world could just kiss my ass.” Colin sheepishly smiles, and says, “Well, I was just born British . . .” He’s right. Speaking with a British accent gets you 80% of the way to being charming.

ACT 4:
TOP TEN: REASONS THE TRUMP PLAZA CASINO IS CLOSING – The Atlantic City Trump is shutting down in September due to dwindling revenue. They’re folding.
10. Located in undesirable part of Atlantic City, known as ‘Atlantic City’
5. Every woman at the bar is actually waiting for her boyfriend.
2. Housekeeping left something on your pillow and it wasn’t a mint.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: “Join us again tomorrow as Dave welcomes Melissa McCarthy, Tim Duncan, Phish, and a special Top Ten List with ‘Under the Dome’s’ Rachelle Lefevre. Visit cbs.com/lateshow to watch St. Vincent Live on Letterman. St. Vincent’s exclusive online concert from the Ed Sullivan Theater can be streamed on demand. Stay tuned for a comprehensive list of things you shouldn’t poke.”

ACT 6:
TOMMY JOHNAGIN
The very funny Tommy Johangin talks about trying to have another baby, and the difference between the love you have for your girlfriend and the love you have for your baby. He doesn’t see how the same word can be used for both. The love for your baby is endless; the love for your girlfriend . . . . it has to be called something else, something that means much less. And the pain a man feels for needing a handyman to come to the house. If he’s like me, he “goes to the store” when someone is called in to fix something.
Look for Johnagin’s “Stand-Up Comedy 3” album now on iTunes.

ACT 7:
ST. VINCENT
From her eponymous CD, St. Vincent performed “Bring Me Your Loves”

And that was our show for Thursday, July 17, 2014.

It took the history of all mankind to get to Kitty Hawk, the Wright brothers, and flight. And then it took only 63 years more to get from Kitty Hawk to the moon.

I’m a family man . . . . love “Family Guy” and ”Modern Family.”

So this weekend is my big canoe trip down the Delaware River. Actually, it’s more like a canoe drift. 50 guys and gals head to upstate New York to set up camp on Thursday and Friday. Saturday is the canoe trip. This trip is now in its 41st year, hosted by friends from the St. Tolentine parish in the Bronx. I’ve only jumped on board the past 10 years or so as a guest of my college roommate. The trip is a big deal. I’m in charge of bringing the bar. It’s a cheap, plywood bar that I made out of plywood that Denise wanted thrown in the garbage. Garbage? I could do something with that! So I decided to cut it down and assemble the pieces with nuts and bolts and make it into a bar. Each year I add to it to make it better than last year. So I get home Wednesday night and begin to pack the van for my trip to Calicoon on Thursday after work. BOINK! The van’s battery is dead. Nothing. I jump it and it eventually kicks in. I drive it 10 miles to get the charge going and then park it in the driveway. I go inside to eat, and then fall asleep. I wake at 3:30 AM and decide to give a look to see if the van starts. Nope. Nothing. Dead dead dead. The one day of the year I need the van and it is flat dead. I hope it’s only a battery. I don’t know nothing about cars except how to jump a battery. It’s the only thing I still recognize under the hood. I jumped it one more time and drove it up the block to the garage. Whatever is wrong with it will cost me $600. It’s always $600, no matter what. I think garages know exactly what they can charge without getting a beef. Plus, men are too embarrassed to admit they don’t know anything about a car. Ever see a guy at the counter getting an explanation as to what was done to the car? Just empty nodding. I do it. And I’m lucky. My garage guy is good, and I feel, honest. Let’s keep our fingers crossed. Without the van, I’ll have to take my Civic, and that means no bar. Drinking, yes, but it won’t be at the plywood bar.

Oh, and Thursday night we’ll be attending a Jimmy Buffett concert at Bethel Woods, home of the 1969 Woodstock concert. I’ve heard he puts on a good show. I also heard he’s recession-proof. No matter how bad the economy, his concerts will always sell-out. Him and Neil Diamond. Good grief . . . . . Woodstock was 45 years ago.

And speaking of time flies . . . Dave had to do something during a commercial break the other day. I typed up a card that Bobby Rahal won the Molson Toronto Indy 28 years ago Sunday, July 20, 1986. Dave muttered something about that can’t be right. He did a quick subtraction/addition of 1986 and 28 and 2014 and I could see he realized, damn, 1986 WAS 28 years ago.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Bloomfield Hills, Michigan, it’s Chris Clark
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike


Wahoo Gazette Archive

Saturday, September 13
Is George Clooney having second thoughts?
Thursday, September 11
Billy Eichner and Dave enjoy a screaming match.
Wednesday, September 10
Dr. Phil gets the Big Red treatment.
Tuesday, September 9
Dave & Michael Strahan and their mutual admiration society.
Monday, September 8
Dave and Vladimir: Just a couple guys talking about Dairy Queen.