CBS

Show #3721
Bruce Willis, Brian Regan, and The Heavy.
PLUS: The Late Show's 19th Anniversary; A Greet from a CBS Exec; a Few Looks In on the Republican National Convention; Weekend Late Show; a Top Ten List; and Andy Kindler at the Republican National Convention.

" . . . and now, the unconventional . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
- "It's the 19th anniversary of the Late Show. 19 years ago I was thrown out of NBC and left in a basket on CBS's stoop."
- "Why do I keep doing this? Because I want people to say about me, 'He was okay, but he stayed too long."

Standing by Dave is a nattily dressed gentleman. Dave greets him.
CBS EXEC: "Hi, Dave, I'm CBS Vice President Bob Steckler. We met at the clambake."
DAVE: "Oh, sure, the clambake."
CBS EXEC: "I just wanted to say on behalf of the network how excited we are about your 19th anniversary on CBS." (he applauds) "So, it's my great pleasure to announce to you that . . . we'll definitely do something to celebrate your 20th anniversary. Talk to you in a year, buddy." Exits.

And now it's time for a new segment called, "How Long Can I Stand This?" We cut to footage of celebrating delegates at the Republican National Convention. The answer is: "Not long." I think they were dancing . . . at least that's what they call it.

Chris Christie gave a rousing keynote address the other night. You could tell he rushed right over to the convention hall. We take a look. We see CC still in a Red Lobster lobster bib.

Time for this, "Who Says Republicans Aren't Fun?"
We take a look at a delegate at the Republican Convention. He is sitting bored with a cheese hat. Yes, the Wisconsin-ite is alone, bored, tired, and probably more interested in the Green Bay Packer/San Francisco 49er opening game.

With Hurricane Isaac threatening the entire region, the Republican National Convention has been shortened by a day. It means some events had to be cancelled. We take a look at this announcement from the RNC.
ANNOUNCE: "Due to the shortened Republican National Convention, the following events and attractions will no longer be on the schedule:
- A Musical Salute to White Anglo-Saxons
- Congressman Todd Akin's Fact-To-Face Apology To Each Delegate
- Land and Sea Tour of Tampa Bay on the amphibious Reince Preibus.
- Adult swim lessons with Congressman Kevin Yoder
The Republican National Convention --- get Romney-fied!"

ACT 2:
ANDY KINDLER - he's filing reports from the Republican National Convention in Tampa, Florida.
How's it been in Tampa this week?
ANDY: "After a week in Tampa hanging with Republicans at the convention, I want to see my own birth certificate. I find it hard to believe I was even born in this country."
Learn anything?
ANDY: "I learned some inside info about Mitt Romney . . . he looks both ways even if he's not crossing the street."
Anything to report?
Andy has prepared something he likes to call, "Andy Kindler's Fun With Delegates."
We see what fun it can be comparing ties.
I heard a report that Tampa has run out of white belts! Wow! And I thought Tampa was the White Belt Capital of the World.

Time now to check in to see what's in store Saturday on the "Weekend Late Show." We come upon Bruce and Linda at the familiar desk of the Late Show. It is adorned with festive flowers and light-hearted decor of a weekend morning program
LINDA: "Thanks, Dave. Can you believe Labor Day is already here? We have a special tribute planned for some people who have to work hard throughout the holiday: highway toll booth attendants."
BRUCE: "That job 'takes a toll' on you. We're also wrapping up National Immunization Month. Linda and I will get our hepatitis booster shots!"
LINDA: "Better safe than sorry. And if you're out of ideas for your family barbecue, over in the Cookery Nook we'll show you some clever two-ingredient recipes you can whip up on a moment's notice."
BRUCE: "All that, plus passing a polygraph test, unusually shaped swimming pools, and 'Should you think twice before licking a stamp?" Saturday on the 'Weekend Late Show.'"
LINDA: "Back to you, Dave."

TOP TEN: THINGS WE AT THE LATE SHOW HOPED TO ACCOMPLISH BY OUR 19TH ANNIVERSARY
Keeping score at home?
The Late Show - first show - August 30, 1993 - 3,725 shows (includes the 4 primetime specials)
Late Night - 11 years - February 1, 1982 - June 25, 1993 - 1,810 shows.
In total: 5,535 shows. A quick look-see tells me that #5,555 will be October 10th.

THINGS WE AT THE LATE SHOW HOPED TO ACCOMPLISH BY OUR 19TH ANNIVERSARY
10. Convince Rupert Jee to offer a staff discount (buzz)
9. Lower the bar in late night (ding)
8. Hire Congressman Todd Akin as our Science correspondent (buzz)
7. Help Jennifer Aniston find the right guy (ding)
6. Help Katie Holmes find the right guy (buzz)
5. Contain fire on Richard Simmons (ding) - roll vt of Dave dousing Richard Simmons with a fire extinguisher - from November 22, 2000.
4. Have Alan Kalter neutered (ding) - see a not too happy Alan Kalter
3. Keep Dave alive (ding) and vibrant (buzz)
2. Debut a more impressive 'ding' sound effect (loud clock tower bong)
1. Finally present a Top Ten list where the #1 items is funniest (buzz)

ACT 3: BRUCE WILLIS
Bruce is the dad of a brand new baby girl, now 5 months old. Bruce says he is very happy, or at least he thinks he is very happy. He's so tired he's not sure. Bruce says the baby is very smart, already reciting the 9-times tables. Bruce admits he always found the 9-times table to be difficult. NO! C'mon, Bruce. 9-times tables are easy. I always had trouble with the 7s and 8s. The 9s are easy. Bruce has been coming to the show for years and years and we still are learning things about him. Did you know Bruce is an equestrian who competes with his dressage dancing horse, Lunesta? Yup! He says so! And we see a photo, and then video of his competing. Imagine that! The horse dances better than the delegates at the Republican Convention!

Bruce always has something going on. His blockbuster "Die Hard" series continues with the newest installment coming out early next year. He brought a clip. I think this is the very first showing on national TV. We watch.

SFX: CELL PHONE RINGING
ANNOUNCER: "When trouble calls, one man is always ready to answer."
Cut to Bruce in a stairwell. Tired, dirty, tanktop t-shirt. He answers his cellphone.
BRUCE: "McClane"
BRITISH VILLAIN (V.O.): "You disappoint me, Detective. I've given you more than enough time to meet my demands. I assure you, your ambassador is here, and she's quite safe . . . for now."
BRUCE: "'Givl!' Not the ambassador! Kristen! It's 'Twilight,' asshole! Kristen and Rob! Bella and Edward! They broke up!"
BRITISH VILLAIN (V.O.): "Okay, but getting back to the ambassador. . ."
BRUCE: "They were supposed to be together forever, goddammit! Look, page 498, and I quote: 'Mostly I dream about being with you forever!' WTF. Kristen?! You call making out with some dude in 'Us Weekly' forever?
ANNOUNCER V.O.: "Bruce Willis in...'Twi-Hard: With a Vengeance.' Coming soon to a theater near you."

Or something like that.

Twi-Hard doesn't come out till next year. Bruce's new film is called, "Looper." It's about time travel where a guy, Bruce, travels back to the year 2044 from 2072. In the clip, we see Bruce from 2072 confronting Bruce from 2044. It was believable, except for the hair on the 2044 Bruce wouldn't have fallen out to the point of Bruce 2072. The 2044 Bruce had hair like Paul Ryan. Bruce 2072 had hair like Ed Harris. Paul Ryan-hair doesn't fall out like that.

Oooh, there's a game! What 20-year-old actor today will be bald in 30 years? My guess: Drake of "Drake and Josh"

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "Swing back around tomorrow for Dave and his guests Jennifer Garner, the United States Women's Olympic Gymnastics Team, and Rodriguez. I can't believe the NFL preseason's over already. Now what will I watch? We'll be back."

ACT 6:
BRIAN REGAN
It's his 25th appearance on the Late Show! You can see him on the Jerry Seinfeld web series, "Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee."
This has been keeping Brian up nights . . . he saw a commercial van the other day. It was from a roofing company. The name of the company was "Fiedler Roofing Company." Now, if your name is Fiedler . . . . and you go into the roofing business . . . . how can you NOT name your company "Fiedler On The Roof"?! It's driving Brian crazy. Go ahead and Google it. The company is out of the Bronx. "Fiedler Roofing Company" - yes, Brian admits he has to let it go . . . but he can't.

ACT 7:
THE HEAVY: From their most recent album, "The Glorious Dead," The Heavy performed "What Makes A Good Man." Oh, yes, I remember these guys. And so does Dave. He loves 'em. At the end, Dave asks for more and requests "How You Like Me Now?" The Heavy accepts and plays to close the show. Not sure if we were still around but Dave did a bit of singing with The Heavy, too. I think it was Dave's first singing gig since "Hit Somebody" with Warren Zevon.

And that was our show for Thursday August 30, 2012.

WAHOO EXTRA:
Oh, darn, I forgot to include the Late Show Anniversary message from President Obama yesterday. We saw the video of the President taking time out of his busy schedule to congratulate Dave.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: "Hello, Dave. Congratulations on this spectacular milestone. You have made every American proud. Most of all, you have . . . "
JOE BIDEN: " . . . got a backbone like a ramrod."
PRESIDENT OBAMA; "God bless America."
If you shut your eyes and covered your ears, you wouldn't have even noticed that we spliced those 13 clips together.
Do editors still splice?

November 24th is coming up. Yup, November 24th will be my 20,000th day alive. Not sure yet how I'll celebrate. If you're 54, or about to turn 55, your 20,000th day is coming up in the near future. Get pencil and paper and start figuring. I guess if you're 27 or so, your 10,000 is around the corner, too, but I'll leave that for you kids to figure out.

20,000 days alive . . . and to think I spent one of those watching "Weekend At Bernie's."

Coming up: The DNC - you can't spell 'Dunce' without DNC.
And you can't spell 'Rancid' without RNC.
For President . . . I don't know. Right now, I'm leaning towards Stephen Rollins.

It's the Labor Day Weekend! Wasn't it just Memorial Day?
The upcoming previously-viewed programs
FRIDAY: from August 14, 2012; #3711 - Jennifer Garner, the U.S. Women's Olympic Gymnastics Team; and Rodriguez.
MONDAY: from August 15, 2012; #3712 - Tom Brokaw, Olympic swimmer Dana Vollmer, and Beth Orton. Plus: Lionel Richie presents a memorable Top Ten list.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
You've heard of 3-finger Mordecai? Well, from Hillcrest, New York, it's 9-toed Gary Wren!
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike