CBS

Michael Strahan, Arthur Meyer, and Band of Horses.
PLUS: an upset audience guy; an upset Mitt Romney; an upset Alan Kalter; and a Top Ten list.

" . . . . and now, dancing traffic cop . . . . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE
- "New evidence suggests that Jesus had a wife. She said he always felt cheated that Christmas and his birthday were on the same day."

Dave begins to tell a joke about President Obama being on the show last night. Dave then hears a guy in the audience call out.
GUY: "Hey! Wait! Whoa! Hold on, Dave? Hey, Dave!"
DAVE: "What's the matter, sir?"
We see a guy standing in the audience.
GUY: "You're saying President Obama was on last night? Not tonight?"
DAVE: "That's right, sir. Is there a problem?"
GUY: "There must have been a mix-up, because your security guy over there gave me a pretty thorough frisking."
We get a shop of the security guard by the door leading to 53rd Street.
DAVE: "Uhh, I don't know who that guy is. He isn't with the show."
GUY: "Oh . . . . . that's creepy." He sits.

Dave imagines for a moment what it must have been like for Jesus to have a wife. He pictures her blurting, "You want to perform a miracle? How about you put in the storm windows!" At least that's what he tried to get out. He fumbled and stumbled a bit. He'll refer back to it a few times during the show.

Mitch Romney is defending his harsh words about 47% of the country. He talked about it in his latest campaign commercial.
ANNOUNCE: "Mitt Romney said at a recent fundraiser that he doesn't need to worry about 47% of the United States population. He also has a message for the remaining 53%. Mitt says, 'You, too, can kiss my ass!' "
Mustachioed Mitt Romney: "I'm Mitch Romney, and I approved this message."

ACT 2:
Dave explains that he screwed up a monologue joke. Nancy, running the show at the lectern near Alan's area, let out an audible "ohhh!" Dave mentions this simply to enjoy the embarrassment Nancy feels over this.

Words of wisdom: if you have two pair of glasses, you should "wear a pair, hold a pair." And if you're at the age of reading glasses, you probably wear a pair, hold a pair, and have a pair in your breast pocket.

Dave has heard the Mitt thinks Dave hates him because he's been on Leno more than he's been on Letterman. Dave assures Mr. Mitt that he doesn't hate him at all. There is no hatred in his heart. In fact, Dave would love to have Mitt come on the show. The invitation is out there. And I have a feeling this may be the start of a nightly plea for Mitch to come on the show.

ACT 3:
TOP TEN: MITT ROMNEY PET PEEVES ABOUT AMERICANS - it seems Mitt doesn't like the 47% of Americans who are entitled freeloaders.
9. Always whining about need for food and shelter.
6. Jealous look they give walking through first class on way to coach.
5. Refuse to get high-paying jobs
3. Servants who feel entitled to occasional eye contact

MICHAEL STRAHAN
He's the new co-host of "Live! With Kelly and Michael" beating out the 53% Romney likes. Dave congratulates him on his new position and wonders if there are any ego/territorial problems on the show with the long-established Kelly. Michael is happy to say they all get along just fine and like any team, cohesion is important. Dave is glad to hear that, but what he really wants to do is talk football with the 7-time Pro-Bowl player with the New York Giants. Injuries are a big concern with the NFL now and Dave wonders how Michael went through 17 years without any major problems. Does Michael miss being in the game? Michael says he feels the urge to put on the helmet and pads every Sunday . . . . . . until he sees the first collision between two behemoths on the field.
Strahan played for the 2007 New York Giants Super Bowl team and will always love QB Eli Manning for leading the team to victory and getting the team a championship ring. Michael doesn't mention that the Giants defense held the mighty undefeated New England Patriots to only 14 points which enabled Eli to lead the Giants to a last minute touchdown. That was nice of him. What was Coach Coughlin like? Michael says he was a screamer and would get right in your face if you did something wrong. Michael would quietly take it but complain to himself, "C'mon, coach! My mama's watching at home. I'm 37 years old. You can't yell at me like that in front of my mama!"
Strahan thinks Eli is perfect for New York. When he gets yelled at or the newspapers gang up on him following a bad game, Eli will shrug his shoulders, tilt his head, and say in a "duh" voice, "Uhhh, I don't care." He simply focuses on football.

Good man, Mr. Strahan. He made me a bit nervous when he held out in 2007 but I think he did that simply to miss out on a couple weeks of pre-season double-sessions. How long before Dave refers to the show at the "Kelly Lee and Michael Lee" show. Or did he do that already and I missed it?

Michael Strahan . . . . he's TV's new gap-toothed funny man!

ACT 4:
Dave tries to explain his earlier flubbing of Jesus putting in the storm windows. Meanwhile, Alan Kalter is making all sorts of noises at his perch. Dave finally has to interject.
DAVE: "Excuse me, Alan! What's going on over there? Alan!"
We see a disheveled Alan in a bathrobe and shoeless scribbling incoherently on a clear board in white pencil. He sounds frantic, he sounds lost, he sounds confused.
ALAN: "One second . . . ."
Alan continues to do what is supposed to do mathematical figures on the clear board.
DAVE: "Alan, what are you doing?"
ALAN: "I'm trying to figure out how the 'givl' you were named a Kennedy Center Honoree!"
DAVE: "Oh."

Paging Stephen Hawking.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "Here's what we're thinking for tomorrow: Nathan Lane, race driver Ryan Hunter-Reay, and The Killers. Visit cbs.com/lateshow to watch Band of Horses Live on Letterman. Band of Horses' exclusive online concert form the Ed Sullivan Theater can be streamed on demand. Wear a pair, hold a pair!"

ACT 6:
ARTHUR MEYER
From the film, "We Made This Movie". It opens here in New York on Thursday. "We Made This Movie" is Arthur's first film and he is terribly excited, as are his parents in Chicago. Their excitement makes Arthur even more excited . . . but not so excited that he would fly them in for the premiere.
Arthur grew up in a suburb of Chicago and was a big baseball fan. He loved it so much he became a Little League umpire. If you love baseball and you decide to become an umpire while you're still a teen, that usually says a lot about how good of a baseball player you are. Arthur admits to having two things going against him as a Little League umpire: he wasn't very authoritative nor was he very confident. And in today's Little League you need to have both because the parents will eat you alive.

I umpired one Little League game in my life. I was behind the plate. A kid was scoring from 2nd base on a single. There was no play at the plate but the catcher was standing right on top of home. The kids from 2nd base brushed past him as he tried his best to avoid him. The catcher burst out into angry tears for the "violent collision." His manager checked up on him. I told him the coach of the slight contact made. He understood and told his catcher he had to give the runner room to score if there was no play at the plate. The coach returned to the bench, but the catcher's daddy came over to confront me. He wanted the other kid to be thrown out of the game. I told him what happened, that his son was in the wrong, and the kid who scored did his best to avoid him. He wasn't satisfied. His son chimed in, "He won't do anything because he's stupid!" I would have thrown the kid out of the game but I had to agree. I was stupid . . . for agreeing to umpire a Little League baseball game.

Arthur fell in love with umpiring. He even started a Facebook Fan Club for a major league umpire. That's odd enough to be really interesting. I like that. There was only one major league umpire that I followed: Al Clark. I was at a Yankee game one day and between innings I found myself looking at the first base umpire and imagined myself as a major league umpire. This umpire then put a piece of gum in his mouth . . . . . and threw the wrapper on the ground. He was littering the sacred field of Yankee Stadium! I couldn't believe it! I saw his umpire number was #24 and checked my scorebook to see who is umpire #24. It was Al Clark. I hated him ever since. And then a few years later I read where Al Clark was arrested for being involved in a memorabilia scheme and he received a federal mail fraud conviction. So it had a happy ending.

"We Made This Movie" opens Thursday night here in New York. And YOU can watch it for free if you register NOW . . . it has to be NOW . . . at www.wemadethismovie.com. Check out the Behind The Scenes Sneak Peak. It's our own Rob Burnett!

ACT 7:
BAND OF HORSES: from their new album, "Mirage Rock," Band of Horses performed "Knock Knock."

And that was our show for Wednesday, September 19, 2012.

And now an impersonation: Jesus' wife on Easter Sunday morning . . . . . . . . . . . . . "Where the hell were you?!"

I never went to a movie premiere before but I'm going tonight to see "We Made This Movie." I heard there would be cake afterwards. I did once go see "Pulp Fiction" before it was released to theaters. Hopefully, "We Made This Movie" does equally as well.

I'm not sure why I'm so far behind this week but it feels like I've been running as fast as I can and can't catch up.

I was reading the Time magazine Entertainment section recapping the President's visit to the Late Show. The column read, "He and Letterman gave viewers a serious hour of conversation with only a soupcon of humor." I don't know if I should be annoyed at the use of "soupcon" or if it's something I want to incorporate into my own usage. Soupcon means "smidgen" or a dash or just a little bit. I think I'll hold off my annoyance until I see if I can use it and make it sound natural, not forced.

I know nothing about politics, but after listening to former Minnesota Governor and professional wrestler with a boa, Jesse "The Body" Ventura, he seemed to make more sense than any of the candidates.

This will mean nothing to you but it does to me. I knew I wrote this years ago but could never find it. Happily, I just found it today. 2003 - Baseball's Josh Beckett pitched his Florida Marlins team to a World Championship. Many were now writing that he was one of baseball's best pitchers. His record in 2003 was 9-8. Here was a 9-8 pitcher and the "experts" were calling him one of the best in the game. This is what I wrote about that at the time. It went no where.

10/28/03 - Josh Beckett had a record of 9-8 this season and is now considered one of the best pitchers in baseball. And that's good news for the Rangers' 9-8 R.A. Dickey, I guess.

I remember looking up another major league pitcher with a 9-8 record that year to make the reference. I came up with the nobody, R.A. Dickey. And here we are 9 years later with R.A. Dickey being one of the best pitchers in baseball today.
I knew I made an R.A. Dickey reference a decade ago. I just could never find it.
See? I knew it would mean nothing to you.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Dorothy Green Rudy - R.I.P.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike