CBS

Steve Martin, and Gotye.
PLUS: Pat Farmer with a question; Slow News Day; What did Dave do during the Emmys; New Books, a Top Ten list; and the recipient of the Steve Martin Prize for Excellence in Banjo and bluegrass, Mark Johnson.

" . . . and now, your host of the 2012 Sauce and Condiment Awards . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
Wondering what to wear if attending the Late Show? Well, two guys in the audience decided to go with the plaid shirt. We see the two. Yup, it looks like they dressed to match. I don't mind plaid shirts, but they seem way too popular these days for what they're worth. Years from now, the plaid shirt will be looked back upon as, "What were we thinking?" And then a few years after that the plaid shirt will be popular again, so if you have plaids in your closet, don't throw them out.

Hey, it's Late Show Property Master Pat Farmer! Pat enters and stands by Dave.
DAVE: "Oh, hi, Pat. It's Pat Farmer, one of our stagehands."
PAT: "Hi, Dave."
DAVE: "What can I do for you?"
PAT: "Dave, I didn't get a chance to watch the Emmys last night. How'd we do?"
DAVE: "Oh . . . I'm sorry to say we didn't win any Emmys. I'm sorry."
PAT: "Wooh . . .. that is embarrassing." Shakes head and exits.

What I miss most about our not winning and not even being nominated for an Emmy is the free congratulatory lunches.

It's time for "Slow News Day."
ART CARD/MUSIC: "SLOW NEWS DAY"
- we see a clip from an Alabama news station.
The anchorwoman reports this important bit of news: "The curtain has fallen on the 36-year marriage of Tony Award winner Ben Vereen."
ART CARD/MUCIS: "SLOW NEWS DAY"

I did a quick check on Ben Vereen on the Wikipedia. I figured this bit of news was reported in Alabama because maybe Mr. Vereen is an Alabaman. Nope. Born in Florida; later moved to Brooklyn. Not a match.

Without being nominated, I guess there was no real reason to attend the Emmys in Los Angeles. So, what did Dave do while the Emmys were on the air? He says he was busy all weekend long. He didn't have time to watch the broadcast, let alone attend. We take a look at what Dave did instead of attending the Emmy Awards.
ART CARD/MUSIC: "WHAT DAVE DID INSTEAD OF ATTENDING THE EMMY AWARDS We come to a dark, barren office. Biff Henderson slowly opens the door and peeks in. He is holding a tray of food. We hear Dave stir.
DAVE: (softly) "Is it time for Monday's show?"
BIFF: (softly): "No, Dave. We'll call you."
Biff sett the tray of food down on the floor and backs out of the office.
ART CARD/MUSIC: "WHAT DAVE DID INSTEAD OF ATTENDING THE EMMY AWARDS

ACT 2:
The kids are back to school. What better time to take a look at some New Books -No need for eyestrain from a computer screen. The online world is now in one handy volume: THE INTERNET IN PRINT - JULY 2012 EDITION
-This honest work confirms what many had suspected: MAKING IT UP AS WE GO --- BY THE NFL REPLACEMENT REFEREES
-Wand to be a part of the glamorous literary world, but don't know how to get started? This will help: the DO-IT-YOURSELF NOVEL
-Don't read this unappetizing book right before dinner: A HISTORY OF HAIR IN FOOD
-You've probably seen his self-help book, "HOW TO QUIT SMOKING." Well, the publisher just came out with the long-awaited companion volume, "HOW TO START SMOKING'
-Voters are demanding more information from Mitt Romney, but I'm not sure this will satisfy them: "THIRTY YEARS OF MITT ROMNEY'S TAX RETURNS ---- BLURRY EDITION"
-Look for this one in your bookstore's refrigerated section: "OSCAR MAYER: A BIOGRAPHY"
-This substantial work should do well among inattentive history buffs: "FDR - FREDERICK DWAYNE ROSENBLATT: A BIOGRAPHY"
-Not everyone is enjoying this comedy piece, according to "WRAP IT UP, CHIEF ---- BY THE GUY IN THE THIRD ROW"
On the cover of the book is one of the guys in the plaid shirt in the audience. We cut to him sitting in the audience. Shocked, he looks at his friend and we see him exclaim in wide-eyed disbelief, "How did they do that?!"

Yes, we cut it close. It was pre-planned that someone in the audience would later be shown on a book cover. The shot was captured on screen and our graphics department worked as mach speed to get the guy on the cover. The book came down during the commercial break following the monologue.

ACT 3:
TOP TEN: LEAST POPULAR SNACKS
8. Nickels
7. Junior Mitts
2. Mahmoudles Ahmedinedoodles
1. Regis's Pieces

Hey, Regis's Pieces sounds like a least favorite Halloween candy . . . . .
DING!
Top Ten from October 28, 2010.

STEVE MARTIN
Dave says what an honor it is to sit next to a man who is such an accomplished comedian, actor, writer, musician . . . . . Steve responds by saying what an honor it is to be sitting next to the man who is sitting next to a man of such qualities.
Steve congratulates Dave on his being named a Kennedy Center Honoree. Steve was bestowed such an honor some years ago and the best thing about it is you don't have to prepare anything. All you have to do is show up. Steve records every moment of his life and the camera was running the moment he learned that Dave was to be a Kennedy Center Honoree. We take a look.
We find Steve at home in his morning robe and Kennedy Center Honoree medallion around his neck. He is flipping through the New York Post when he nearly spits up his morning juice when he reads the news of Dave being honored. He is soon on the phone with other recipients who also cannot believe they will soon be in a club that includes Dave Letterman. None seem to be very happy. We then see Steve receive a phone call from Dave. Steve pretends to be excited for Dave. And that is showbiz.
Hey, did you see the cover of the New York Post Steve was reading? Yup, it was today's Post. To really make it authentic, we should have had a New York Post from last month. I don't think the research department keeps old newspapers anymore. Back in the 90s, the newspapers would be kept for weeks.

Conversation turns to another recipient of the Kennedy Center Honors, Johnny Carson. Steve and Dave share stories of the legend who opened the door to a career in comedy for so many. Two things from Dave . . . he remembers a comedian who came on Johnny's show and didn't do too well, performing questionable material. Says Johnny at the end, " . . . . . new . . . . . different." And then went to commercial. Dave also remembers Johnny's signature move to end a dull interview. He's knock on his desk and say, "Glad to see your career going so good."

If you like Steve Martin, you can't live without his new DVD box set, "Steve Martin: The Television Stuff." It's hours of his most memorable moments on television. You can buy it now where they sell such things, like in a store or on the internets.
And Steve is here to perform with year's winner of the annual Steve Martin Prize For Excellence in Banjo and Bluegrass. Performing a song from the CD, "Acoustic Campaign," Steve Martin on banjo joined Emory Lester on guitar and prize winner Mark Johnson on banjo.
I love the banjo. Great work.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "Tomorrow is coming! And when it gets here, we'll have Kaley Cuoco, The Whigs, and Stupid Human Tricks. Plus, visit cbs.com/lateshow to watch Gotye Live on Letterman. Gotye's exclusive online concert form the Ed Sullivan Theater can be streamed on demand. Any questions, ask a reference librarian.

ACT 6:
Ladies and gentlemen, we have a special guest with us tonight. Dave welcomes the world's richest man, Mexican business magnate with a net worth of 69 billion dollars, Carlos Slim.
Senor Slim enters and stands center stage. He stands tall and proud. In Spanish, he speaks to the audience.
CARLOS SLIM (translated) - "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and thank you so much, Little Suzy (nods in Dave's direction). Hey, here's a good one. Guess who is the richest man in the world? Bill Gates? No, no, no. Warren Beatty? No, no, no. Hey, how about Cantinflas? No, no, no. Steve Garvey? No, no, no. It's a trick question, potatoes. It's me, Carlos Slim! Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Hey, here's another good one. Who owns the 'New York Times'? ME! Carlos Slim! Boy howdy! I called those pinheads. 'Hey,' I said, 'How about some hot Hollywood gossip? Let's Page 6 it up.' I have so much damn money. How much? Take a guess. Don't waste your time. Next time you're in Mexico, drop by for the best chimichangas in Mexico. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. Don't waste your time on this one, either. You'll never find 'Hacienda Slim.' Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Good night, rendattos! This is Carlos Slim. Living low and riding high.
Kiss my ass."

The world's richest man exits. It would be nice to have some of that rub off on me. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

ACT 7:
GOTYE: from his album, "Making Mirrors," the singer from Australia performed "Eyes Wide Open."

And that was our show for Monday, September 24, 2012.

Gotye - GO-tee-ay.

I wrote this the last time Carlos Slim was on but I think it's worth repeating . . . Carlos Slim is the richest man in the world with a worth of over $69 billion. It's hard to imagine just how much 69 billion dollars is. Maybe this will help put it into perspective. I read where he is actually worth $69.3 billion. He is so rich that many reports don't include the "point 3." And how much is the "point 3"? The "point three" is 300 million dollars. Yup, when you have 69 billion dollars, $300 million is considered insignificant. That's how big 69 billion is

Oh, the most popular snacks?
3. Doritos.
2. Lay's Potato Chips
1. Ritz Crackers

Hey, did you watch the football game Monday night? Quite an ending. I can spend pages here with my opinions on the game and the replacement refs but instead I'll spread that out over weeks.
On the last play of the game, the Seattle quarterback threw the ball high and far. As the ball descended into the endzone, a Packer grabbed it for the interception. A Seattle receiver came down with his arm partially wrapped around the ball. I would give it 90% to the Green Bay Packer, maybe 10% to the Seattle Seahawks. When both teams have the ball simultaneously, the ball goes to the offense. But in this case the football was clearly in possession of the Packers. The referees decided it was a touchdown for Seattle. Yikes! Bad call! And you have seen the fallout since.
Couple of things:
The African-American ref along the end line came running to the pile to get a closer look. The white ref by the flag at the zero yard line took his time getting there. I think he didn't want to be the first one there. He wanted someone else to get there first and make the call. The two refs looked down at the pile, measured the situation, glanced at one another, and came with the call. The African-American signaled interception, the white ref signaled touchdown. Both motions are similar. Two hands raised towards the sky means a touchdown. Waving both hands over head means "stop the clock" and in this case, no touchdown; an interception. When the white ref saw the African-American ref begin to raise his arms, he thought he was raising them to signal touchdown. Nope. He was raising them to wave over his head for an interception. So there you have it; game over . . . but who won? Was it an interception and the Packers win? Or was it a touchdown and the Seahawks win? Somehow it was decided that the call on the field was a "touchdown." No discussion, no conference. With that being the call, the replay was limited. The refs couldn't rely on the replay to decide touchdown or interception. Anyway, the rest is too complicated to go into here. But it was the most fun I had watching a Monday night game in years. I can't remember the last time I watched the ending to a Monday game.

The other thing I noticed is that the NFL office came out with a statement this morning at 9:00 AM that they would be coming out with a statement later in the day. WRONG! They had all night to come up with a statement. The NFL statement should have been ready to go when America woke up Tuesday morning. They shouldn't have waited to start writing the statement at 9:00 AM. And the statement should have been delivered by the Commissioner, not a typed-out note.

The game last night should keep the sports talk radio going strong for weeks on this.

Oh, and I'm not insinuating anything . . . but . . .. late in the game there were numerous questionable calls made by the referees. The last call not only changed the outcome, it changed who won the betting spread. Gamblers are now involved. NOW the NFL is in BIG trouble. Somebody out there in America lost their house on that call. Somebody is not happy . . . . not happy at all. And, again I'm not insinuating anything but I've said this many times before . . . if a gambler wanted to fix a game, he wouldn't go to one of the players. They make too much money and it would be too risky for the player to even consider purposely altering the outcome of a game. The gambler would go to the referee. Refs don't make millions, yet they can certainly affect the outcome of a game. They can make a holding call or a pass interference call on almost any play he wants.
Be advised, to say the above is totally irresponsible on my part. But it's what I'm thinking silently in my head. I'm not saying anything . . . . I'm just saying.

Working on the Windows7 or something like that. First time. Expect more mistakes than usual until I get the hang of it.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
It's his birthday on the 25th, from Congers, New York, it's Jim Seidel
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike