Stupid Human Tricks, Kaley Cuoco, and The Whigs.
PLUS: Something For the Swedes; Alan is Late for the Show; the Obamas on "The View"; Mitt Trying Out Material; Ahmadinejad Drops By; a Top Ten List; and a Phone Call from the Commissioner of the NFL.
" . . . and now, lean and lanky rail-splitter . . . . . . . David Letterman!" (Alan Kalter has nothing to worry about.)
- "At the United Nations General Assembly, Ahmadinejad launched a hate-filled tirade against the United States and Israel. It seems like he was in a bad mah-mood."
I laughed at this joke. It was so bad that I loved it. And then Dave said, "That joke was written by my 8-year-old son." I find that most of the jokes I laugh at Dave credits to his 8-year-old son. Not sure what that says about me.
- Did you watch 'The Dancing With The Stars' last night? You know who was dancing? Kirsty Alley. Did you feel it?"
With the United Nations General Assembly in town, we have more tourists slowly walking the sidewalks than usual. We decided to do something special to reach out to our foreign viewers. Tonight, we focused on the Swedes.
Art Card/Music - "SOMETHING FOR OUR SWEDISH FRIENDS"
We find a Swede standing next to Dave. When cued off camera, he tells this joke in Swedish:
- "Vad ar skillnaden mellan norrman och myggor? Myggor ar bara irriterande pa sommaren."
I don't know . . . . the joke sounded just like the song Mitt Romney sings.
I'm not that fluent in my Swedish, but I think the above translates to this: "What's the difference between Norwegians and mosquitos? Mosquitos are only annoying in the summer."
During the monologue, Dave complained about having a broken hip. When the audience didn't show the proper empathy, Dave snarled with a smile, "Oh, shut up, will ya?!"
I will file that under Odd Dave. You may see that clip again in the future when a writer is looking for an odd clip of Dave.
Odd Dave: to the audience, "Oh, shut up, will ya?!"
We see Alan Kalter stomping in behind Dave on his way to his announcing perch. He is dressed in the duds of an NFL referee. Dave takes notices and reprimands Alan.
DAVE: "Alan! You're late!"
Alan takes his place at his work quarters. He is not too pleased. He apparently has had a tough day.
ALAN: "I don't want to hear it. I had a 'djoy'ty night last night."
Oooh, was that Alan refereeing the Packer/Seahawk game last night? Oy. Yeah, I would say Alan had a 'djoy'ty night.
The Obamas are in town and this morning they appeared on "The View." My guess is he's trying to corral the women/A.M. TV watching/cackling demographic. The interview seemed to go pretty well for "The View."
We take a look at the proceeding at this morning's "The View."
The hosts are asking question after question to the President and the First Lady and then commenting. Unfortunately, they don't give the most powerful couple in the world a moment to respond.
It's time for a brand new segment. It's called, "Mitt Romney: That's Kind of a Joke."
We see Mitt speeching down in Miami. He's working the crowd.
MITT: "My dad used to tell us that one year they ate nothing but potatoes. That was when they lived in Idaho. Even later in life, my dad couldn't look a potato in the eye. . . . . . . . that's kind of a joke."
ART CARD: "Mitt Romney: That's Kind of a Joke."
Back from commercial, Dave monkeys with his chair. It is too high? Too low? He adjusts it and leaves it a bit too low. There will probably be a meeting about this.
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is in New York to attend the General Assembly and when he heard we were doing Stupid Human Tricks, he rushed over to show us what he can do. He would be busy during the show or else we would have had him here LIVE. We taped his rehearsal appearance. We take a look.
We see Mahmoud dribbling six basketballs at once! Wow! He's still a vicious monster, but WOW!
It's the talk of every sports fan in America. On the Monday Night Football game, a replacement referee made perhaps the worst call in refereeing history on LIVE national TV. In football, when two guys from opposing teams both have possession of a pass, the ownership goes to the offence. The ref claimed two guys caught a ball equally, so he ruled it a catch for the offence and a touchdown. This happened last night on the very last play of the game. But it was obvious to the other 300 million people in America that it was surely in possession of the defender on the Green Bay Packers. A win for the Packers was now a loss. Dave looks to our sports expert Bill Scheft for an explanation. Why wasn't the call changed by the replay official in the booth upstairs? Bill says the officials did not want a riot on their hands. Oh, yeah, so this was so much better.
From what I've heard, the official upstairs was not allowed to overturn THIS call by use of the replay. That's the explanation I heard all day Tuesday. When I woke up on Wednesday I was hearing the he COULD have changed the call. And the replay ref was not one of those replacement Sunday-School-Teacher refs. He was a real one and he got it wrong.
TOP TEN: SIGNS YOU'RE A BAD REFEREE
9. Won't throw flag on field because you'd just have to pick it up.
8. No one is entertained by the slide whistle. (SFX of a slide whistle . . . I have to disagree with this one. I am ALWAYS entertained by a slide whistle)
1. You're hated everywhere but Seattle.
STUPID HUMAN TRICKS - it's a long time Dave Letterman feature that can now be seen all over the TV channels under different names.
SHT#1: Pete Moyer of Hillsboro, Illinois. Pete runs a hula hoop fitness class. He calls the class, "Hula Hotties." And who attends this class? "Hotties" says Pete. Pete claims he can do chin-ups while hula hooping. We bring out a make-shift chin-up bar to have him prove his claim. Pete came prepared. The color of his hula hoop matches his sneakers. Pete starts to hula and then jumps up to grab onto the chin-up bar. His first attempt doesn't go too well. Pete blames it on the clapping from the audience. They were keeping a tempo too fast. Pete soon achieves his goal. A very nice job. He really had to increase his gyrate at the end to keep the hula rotating. Following the slo-mo replay, Dave says "And I noticed at the end you threw something in there for the Hotties."
SHT#2: Mark Hayward, from Pittsburgh, and Jonathan Burns from Lancaster, Pennsylvania. Whenever we have someone from Pennsylvania on the show, there is a good chance Dave will ask, "Is that near Amish country?" In this case, Lancaster is in the heart of Amish country.
Their trick: They have a unique way of lighting a book of matches. We take a look.
Jonathan puts a matchbook in his mouth with the matches sticking out. Mark, the brains of the operation, swings a yo-yo back and forth. Each time the yo-yo gets closer and closer to the book of matches in Jonathan's match. And then when the yo-yo smacks the matches . . . ignition! The matches light. Yes, kids, this is how we used to light matches before the Bic.
SHT#3: Jonathan Fudge and Cory Watts from Tampa, Florida. Jonathan is a web designer and a blogger. Cory is a server at a hookah lounge. Dave is curious about the hookah lounge. Isn't it just a bunch of people circling a big bong in the middle each inhaling "tobacco" from a hose listening to Swami music? I think that's pretty much it. And who goes to a hookah lounge? Cory says, "Mostly college kids." Oh, yeah, of course, the college kids.
What's their trick? They have an interesting way of inflating a balloon. OK.
Jonathan threads a long, uninflated balloon through Cory's nose and out through his mouth. Yes, you can re-read that to make sure you have it right. Jonathan then blows into the end of the balloon that is sticking out of Cory's nose. The end of the balloon from Cory's mouth inflates. Jonathan continues to blow into the balloon and the other end inflates. Jonathan and Cory then twist the balloon into the shape of a dog. Ta da! Yes, kids, that's how we used to inflate balloons before we bought them already inflated with helium at the store.
The balloon is then deflated and Cory pulls it out of his head. BUT . . . . BUT . . . Cory pulled the balloon from his mouth! He should have pulled it from his nose! Pulling it from his mouth makes the rest of the balloon first travel through his nose before going through mouth. Yeech!
And girls! He's still single!
That was one of the more unpleasant things I've seen around here in quite a while. Congratulations, boys!
And congratulations to segment producer Ryan Williams for finding such a fine bunch of stupid humans.
I like Stupid Human Tricks, or as I like to abbreviate it, SHT. I think it provides an interesting view of what is going on out there in America. America remains innovative and inventive. It's why I call it Stupid Human Innovative Tricks . . . or as I like to call it . . . . .
Kaley was impressed with the balloon through the nose Stupid Human Trick. She wondered the same thing I did: Fine, they blew up a balloon through the guy's nose . . . but how was the that first time they ever did it? How did they think of it? Why did they think of it? And I wish we had a clip of the experimental stage of this trick. That's where the real entertainment is.
We have a few photos of Kaley on the set of "The Big Bang Theory." Seems she has a problem with a touch of the narcolepsy. And she keeps falling asleep at work. In this age of the social media and cameras everywhere, her sleeping has been captured by many on the staff and crew at TBBT. Why is she always falling asleep? She explains, "I enjoy rest. I like to sleep." There really needs to be no other reason.
Kaley is popular in the Twitter world with 2 million followers. She let her thumbs voice her opinion recently when she wrote how she doesn't like the Pier One commercials with the talking furniture. Pier One quickly tweeted back with a sweet message. It sounded like their feelings were hurt. Kaley felt guilty and followed up with a more supportive Pier One tweet.
Let me try something here . . . .
"The Wahoo Gazette doesn't like the Pier One talking-furniture commercials."
I'll let you know how this turns out.
"The Big Bang Theory" - its 6th season premieres this Thursday right here on CBS at 8:00.
ANNOUNCE: "Join us again tomorrow as Dave welcomes British Prime Minister David Cameron, from "Elementary" Jonny Lee Miller, and Mumford & Sons. Plus, visit cbs.com/lateshow to watch Gotye Live on Letterman. Gotye's exclusive online concert from the Ed Sullivan Theater can be streamed on demand.
Oh, and I love what you did with your hair."
The NFL is having a lot of trouble with the replacement referees. And on the phone right now is the Commissioner of the National Football League, Roger Goodell. Dave picks up the phone.
DAVE: "Hello, Commissioner. Thanks for joining us."
ROGER: "Hello, David."
DAVE: "Commissioner, last night's game in Seattle was a huge debacle. Tell us your thoughts on what went down."
ROGER: "I have to admit, I didn't watch the game. There as an episode of 'Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives' where the pudgy guy tried to eat a giant meatball."
DAVE: "Well, I'm sure by now you know what happened. Some unusual penalties and then two referees made conflicting calls on a play that decided the game."
ROGER: " . . . then he went to a place where they had a grilled cheese sandwich made with a loaf of white bread and a brick of Colby cheddar. Guess what I'm having for lunch?!"
DAVE: "I have to say I'm very surprised at his attitude."
ROGER: "Hey, I stopped caring around 2006. Ring a bell, loser?"
Goodell hangs up.
From their album, "Enjoy The Company," the band from Athens, Georgia performed "Waiting."
And that was our show for Tuesday September 25, 2012.
Yes, that was me performing the Opening Announce. Remember, Alan was late getting in from officiating at the Seahawk/Packer game in Seattle last night. I had the headphones on while seated at Alan's chair. On the headphones is the associate director who counts me in to each announce. This is what I hear.
1. A countdown to the start of the show.
2. Cue the music
3. Cut the announce: "From New York, the greatest city in the world, it's the Late Show with David Letterman."
4. I hear the countdown to my next cue to announce: "Tonight, Stupid Human Tricks, from 'The Big Bang Theory' Kaley Cuoco, and music from The Whigs."
5. I hear the countdown to my next cue to announce: "Plus: Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra."
6. I hear the countdown to my next cue to announce: "And now, lean and lanky rail-splitter . . . . . . . David Letterman!"
And then I run away. One chance to get it right. If I screw up I would be able to do it again after the show, but then people would have to stay a bit late and maybe miss their train home and have to wait for the next one. You don't want to screw it up. Plus, you don't want to get the show off to a bad start.
Stupid Human Tricks and Stupid Pet Tricks has been borrowed by the TV landscape and can be seen at most anytime under a different name on the television channels. I recently heard of another "borrow" from the Late Show by television with the adaptation of Biff Henderson's America. I'm not sure who hosts it but it's a pretty well-known guy.
Tony Mendez had the wrong show title on his cue card, printing "The Big Band Theory" instead of "Big Bang." I usually give Tony's cards a quick go-over before the show. It's a Derek Jeter-type thing I do. I never like to be a "spectator" before or during the show and if I find myself idle, I try to fill the time with something productive. Unfortunately, today I was busy updating some stuff and didn't get a chance to go over Tony's cards. It's not something that's been assigned; it's just something I do on my own to prevent a possible mistake. As with much I do, what I do is not noticed until I don't do it.
Truth be told, I had typed "The Big Band Theory" on one of the blue cards. I found it before it left my office.
One more thing about the Monday Night Football game . . . I kept picturing people at home who had invested in a BoxPool for the game. You're probably familiar with these BoxPools popular during the Super Bowl. It's too confusing to go into how it works but it's more of a game of chance than it is a game of gamble. Bars often have a weekly Box/Pool, usually for the Monday Night game. You put in $10 with a chance to win $1000, or $20 for $2000, and even bigger than that. During the confusion at the end of the game, I was imagining the scene in homes and barrooms across the country.
"Touchdown or no touchdown?" And that was followed by having to bring the teams back out of the locker room to kick the extra point. With the game having been won, what would be the point of kicking an extra point? But the teams were ordered back out to complete the game and kick the extra point with no time left on the clock. If the Packers refused to come back, would the Seahawks simply go for two points? Or would they just take a knee without scoring the extra points. To recap for those in a Monday Night Box Pool:
Last play of the game.
Packers 2; Seahawks 7. The person with this box is nervous with hope.
Touchdown or interception? It's a touchdown.
It's now Packers 2; Seahawks 3. One guy is angry as all hell. Another guy is ecstatic. New numbers!
Extra point? No need. But the teams are forced back onto the field to kick the extra point. One guy is screaming, "NO!" Another guy is screaming "Yes yes!" And a third guy realizes he may still be in it if the Seahawks waltz in for two point without resistance from the Packers defense.
Will both teams return? Will the Packers refuse to return. If the Packers don't come back out, will the Seahawks take a knee and not kick, or will they run it in for two points?
If Seattle takes a knee - Packers 2, Seahawks 3
If Seattle kicks an extra point - Packers 2; Seahawks 4.
If Packers don't come out; Seattle goes for the two points - Packers 2; Seattle 5.
Four possible winners in the final seconds. I am sure there was a lot of screaming in homes and bars for those in a Monday night BoxPool.
The final winner: Packers 2; Seattle 4. Anybody have any of the above numbers for the MNF?
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