Martin Short, and Kat Dennings.
PLUS: Genius Grants; the U.S. Postal Service; a Top Ten List; and a Mitt Romney on the Late Show Simulation.
" . . . . and now, the creator of the seedless watermelon . . . . . . David Letterman!"
- "It's the night before the first Presidential debate. My son left out milk and cookies for Jim Lehrer." I'm not sure but I think Dave told this joke 4 years ago.
- "The first of three Presidential debates is tomorrow night. The first debate will cover domestic policy. The second will discuss foreign policy. And the third will be about Judy Garland husbands."
Dave hired a guy in the audience to be the Late Show bouncer for tonight. It wasn't mentioned during the show but his responsibilities were a bit odd. He wasn't to keep people out of the building, but to keep people in.
The MacArthur Foundation announced the latest recipients of its Genius Grants. Unfortunately, not all of the applicants made the cut. We take a look at one unfortunate.
We see a guy hard at work. He staples his tongue to his desk. He screams. He was rejected.
We then take another look at someone who did not qualify for a Genius Grant. We see a man in a suit "working" a fax machine. His pants are down. And he is stuck. He calls out with a tad of embarrassment, "Little help? A little help here?"
I'd hate to be on the receiving end of that fax.
And how about a hand for Todd Seda for stapling his tongue to the desk and for Rick "Scheckman" Scheckman for making time with the fax machine. Some people will do anything for money. I refused to do the fax machine joke because I wasn't asked.
35 days and counting. The election if 35 days away and Mitt still hasn't agreed to appear on the Late Show. It makes you wonder what his aides are telling him.
The government run United States Postal Service defaulted on a health benefit payment for its employees. Changes are being made. We take a look at this announcement from the Postal Service.
ANNOUNCE: "These are exciting times at the U. S. Postal Service! Mail is now more fun than ever, with our new 'Deliver It Yourself Program.' Whether your mail's going across town, or across the country, give it the personal touch by bringing it there yourself!"
We see footage of a man in a mailman uniform going through the steps to deliver his own mail.
ANNOUNCE: "Borrow a mail truck and a letter carrier uniform . . . we're not using them anymore.
We see the guy handing his letter to the recipient.
ANNOUNCE: "You did it! You delivered your own mail... and saved the price of a stamp!"
Cut to the guy in the mailman uniform. Addressing the camera, he is confused: "Wait a minute. You're tellin' me I just..."
ANNOUNCE: "The United States Postal Service: You Deliver For You . . . . Mailboxes are now trash cans."
TOP TEN: THINGS OVERHEARD WHEN JUSTIN BIEBER URPED - at a recent concert in Arizona, Justin Bieber barfed twice while on stage. He left the stage but returned both time. He blamed his upset stomach on drinking too much milk. Wow, what a rock and roller!
3. "I think his voice just changed."
1. "I think he just bit the head off a bat."
We've been trying to get Mitt Romney to appear on our program but haven't had any luck. To allay any concerns the Romney campaign may have, we decided to offer this simulation of how his appearance would go. We hired an actor to play the part of Mitt Romney. Dave then introduces "Mitt Romney."
Enter Jack Black, dressed as Jack Black, as Mitt Romney. I loved how JB wore his pants at AARP height high above his waist. "Romney" sits.
DAVE: "Thank you for being here, Mitt."
ROMNEY: "Thanks for having me, David Letterman."
DAVE: "I must say, you look quite handsome tonight, Mitt."
ROMNEY: "What a kind and thoughtful thing to say, especially to a guest who was so reticent to appear on your late night television program. Any misgivings I previously had about talking with you have been vanquished." Romney says "vanquished" in a high sing/song style, much like Lyle the intern used to do.
DAVE: "You're too kind. Now, current polls show a very tight presidential race. This election is still very much up for grabs."
ROMNEY: "Yes, and thank you for your even-handed observation about the race. You are a beacon of impartiality in the swampy, wasteland which is the lamestream media. I regret my ill-advised decision to delay my appearance on your program." (drinks from mug) "Mmm, what a refreshing beverage. Is there no nicety or creature comfort you and your thoughtful staff have not thought of?"
DAVE: "We do our best. Governor, what can we do to get America moving again?"
ROMNEY: "Cut taxes, reduce burdensome regulations, and but 'Bernie' (holds up DVE of "Bernie") . . . the unforgettable movie about murder in a small Texas town, now on DVD, starring Shirley MacLaine, Matthew McConaughey, and national treasure Jack Black."
DAVE: "Mitt Romney, ladies and gentlemen."
Mitt skips off to another engagement.
Dave was very impressed with Jack's big boy jeans.
Mr. Short is full of compliments for Dave, impressed with Dave's youthful hair and skin . . . the skin not firm, but very youthful. And Martin remains in awe of Dave's spontaneity on the show, which is essential since he refuses to prepare. Martin then turns to Paul and says, "Paul, you put the 'B' in 'bald.'" As if that made any sense.
Marty recently went to the White House Correspondents Dinner and snuck up behind old friend Richard Kind and gave him a bear hug and chiding, "Oh, Poppa's gained a little weight . . . ." Unfortunately, it was David Axelrod. I guess it was unfortunate for Richard Kind as well to be mistaken for David Axelrod.
As always, though feigning surprised at the suggestion, Martin has a song he would like to share with the audience. And tonight's song will feature his two estranged brothers who have decided to join Martin for the first time in many a year. Yes, Manny and Morty are back! It's The Short Brothers!
The scrim rises and the trio sings the following, to the tune of the Mills Brothers' "Glow Worm."
One month before the big election
Most voters have made their selection
Of the man to lead the nation.
But one small group incites frustration
Those few who tell the Gallup pollster
'I don't know who I'm gonna vote for'
Make up your mind, you lazy trolls
Stop screwing up the polls!
Why are you losers undecided?
If 'dumb' was a crime you'd be indicted.
It's either Romney or Obama
One built Bain; one killed Osama
There's no excuse for holding back, since
Mitt never will release his taxes
Read a paper, don't be dense
Get your ass off the fence.
Now that I've stopped to think and tap dance
I've made a flip-flop on my first stance
Shouldn't take part in mud-slinging
At those of you whose votes are swinging
What's the harm in hemming and hawing
The conclusion that I'm drawing
Is that I was wrong to vent
Now I'm ambivalent
ANNOUNCE: "Join Dave again tomorrow as he welcomes Tina Fey, Rick Santorum, and LP. Stay tuned for more tips on running an unlicensed zoo!"
Kat, short for Katherine, is from the hit CBS comedy series, "2 Broke Girls." Kat says she was raised in a small rural town in Pennsylvania and admits to being a bit of a homely, with big teeth, a bit naive, a bit too country. She got the acting bug and her first audition was for a remake of "The Exorcist." She never saw the first one and she was unfamiliar with the role. Her family was one of those who did not own a television set. She went to the audition full of confidence and a boa around her neck. Yeah, most people who wear a boa have a lot of confidence whether they deserve to or not. Same goes for guys who wear a cape. She did her best Exorcist scene even though she had nothing to go on. She gives us a sample and it looked more like Elvira than Linda Blair. Everyone at the audition had a good laugh. Then she left. She did not make the cut.
"2 Broke Girls" - Monday nights at 9:00 PM right here on the CBS. I suggest you hold on tight while watching.
And that was our show for Tuesday October 02, 2012.
The Presidential campaign is like the NBA. I'm only interested in the last two minutes.
And now another installment of "Mike, You Were Wrong When You Wrote . . . ."
From yesterday's Wahoo:
"We see Abraham Lincoln, to Frederick Douglas: 'Mr. Douglas, I invite your lips to form a more perfect union with my ass.'
Wahoo reader Jennifer Schultz informed me:
"Stephen Douglas! Frederick Douglass was an escaped slave and abolitionist."
Oy. I knew that. I wrote that while watching the Yankee game. Thank you, Jennifer, for reading the Wahoo in spite of its foibles. This concludes another installment of "Mike, You Were Wrong When You Wrote . . . ."
"Frankenweenie" - isn't that what the Republicans calls the senator from Minnesota?
Wahoo reader MeanMary on Facebook explaining her use of "givl" and "djoy" ---
"Michael McIntee from Late Show with David Letterman moves a letter over on the qwerty keyboard when he uses curse words in The Wazoo Gazette that he writes for the show. I usually just spell out givl and djoy, but sometimes I like to use his code."
Ahhh, yes. MeanMary, MeanMary, MeanMary . . . I've been at this thing since 1996; every day since the summer '98. Wazoo Gazette?
But I have to admit, for the first four months I thought it was the Wazoo Gazette, too.
Looking for some Johnny Dark? Check out "Abraham Lincoln: American Underdog" at the Santa Clara Performing Arts Center this Sunday, October 7th as Johnny Dark brings our 16th President to life in this one-man show.
I'm not sure if Lincoln sings in this.
For a written transcript of the Wahoo Gazette, please go to: http://www.cbs.com/shows/late_show/wahoo_gazette/
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
It's her birthday today! Originally from St. Joseph's school in Spring Valley, New York, now residing in Dryden, New York, it's Patty Bernhardt Ard
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Michael Z. McIntee