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Friday, October 5, 2012 Dave and "Mitt Romney" take time for a photo op.
Show #3728
Billy Crystal and The Wallflowers.
PLUS: Early Voting; Is a Time Machine Possible?; Results in the Latest Zogby Poll; a Top Ten List; and Weekend Late Show with Bruce and Linda.


" . . . . and now, with all your fantasy football sleepers . . . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE
- "The Yankees clinched the division. They can now focus on being eliminated in the first round of the playoffs."
- "Your choice this November is clear, between the guy who targets bin Laden, and the guy who targeted Big Bird."

Early voting is underway in several states. We go to CBS News Election Headquarters for the latest.
ANNOUNCE: "CBS News has preliminary results from states allowing early voting. At this time, President Barack Obama is leading challenger Mitt Romney, 51% to 49%.
Early voting in the 2016 Presidential election has Hillary Clinton ahead of Rick Santorum, 53% to 47%.
And in the 2020 Presidential election, commissar Zhang Yuan leads Commissar Wu Ping, 52% to 48%.
Sorry you had to find out like this, America.
We now return you to 'Moon Bitch.'"

The time-travel film "Looper" is now in theaters and it has a lot of people asking if time travel is possible. Dave saw this odd message earlier today that should hopefully clear this up. We watch.
ANNOUNCE: "If time travel was possible, wouldn't someone have come back from the future to stop this:"
Cut to a scene from Honey Boo Boo
ANNOUNCE: "This has been a message from a scientist."

ACT 2:
It's Poll Season! Every day there is a new poll to take the temperature of the American public. We decided to take a look at the Results of the Latest Zogby Poll
* What surprised you the most about the debate?
- 57% - Mitt Romney's strong performance
- 31% - Barack Obama's weak performance
- 12% - Jim Lehrer is still alive

* Voters are most likely to vote for the candidate who can solve:
- 13% - the deficit problem
- 11% - the crisis in the Middle East
- 76% - the bacon shortage

* Are you more likely to vote for Romney after the debate?
- 25% - Yes
- 25% - No
- 50% - Dammit, I messed the debate! I was watching "Storage Wars: Texas"

* After watching Wednesday night's debate, viewers reported:
- 55% - increased confidence in Mitt Romney
- 11% - lingering questions about our economy
- 34% - erotic dreams featuring Jim Lehrer

Dave throws the blue card through the window. We hear a glass crash and then a long piece of music. Dave sitting there doing nothing while listening to the music that went on much too long reminded me of something from "Family Guy"

* Cookies?
- 100% - Yes

* What should Michelle Obama give Barack for their anniversary?
- 5% - something lovely from her garden
- 5% - a gift card to his favorite clothing store
- 90% - Red Bull

* Who do you think was most impressed by Mitt Romney's debate performance?
- 47% - the 1%
- 1% - the 47%

* Americans would most like to see:
- 6% - Mitt Romney's tax returns
- 5% - more evidence of Barack Obama's birthplace
- 89% - an end to this God-awful campaign

* How concerned are you that Europe's debt problems will worsen the United States economy?
- 86% - concerned
- 13% - unconcerned
- 1% - How did you get into my house?

ACT 3:
TOP TEN: THINGS YOU DON'T EXPECT TO HEAR FROM A PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL PLAYER - NFL players are complaining that the new form-fitting uniforms make them look fat.

THINGS YOU DON'T EXPECT TO HEAR FROM A PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL PLAYER
7. "Has anyone seen my yarmulke?"
3. "No steroids for me, thanks."
1. "I want to play for the Jets"

My Top Ten jokes I tossed into the mix. I usually get mine in after the first round. A Top Ten list is prepared and then some are crossed out. More are then called for. Mine are in that batch. THINGS YOU DON'T EXPECT TO HEAR FROM A PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL PLAYER
- "I don't work Sundays"
- "Stop touching me"
- "I feel like a jaded old school girl"
- "I want to play for the Jets" (DING!)
- "This Saturday I'm a guest on the Weekend Late show with Bruce and Linda"
- "Let's win one for Kelly Ripa."

BILLY CRYSTAL: dressed in all black. Remember when all our guests wore all black? Dave comments on how fantastic Billy is looking. Mr. Crystal explains the 3 Ages of Man:
1. Boyhood.
2. Manhood
3. "You look fantastic!"
Billy is in town to celebrate the 25th Anniversary of "The Princess Bride" at nearby Lincoln Center. It was a big reunion with all the living members of the cast. Billy says the movie wasn't so big at the time it was released but it has slowly become the "Wizard of Oz" to many people. Billy would watch it with his kids, and now he's watching it with his kids' kids. Billy talks about the making of the film and how he and the cast would often have to stay in costume and keep on the makeup during down time. It was hard not to stay in character. Billy demonstrates how he would order lunch as Miracle Max. And Billy talks a bit about Andre the Giant, who played Fezzik. Andre, the Eighth Wonder of the World, was a professional wrestling great. At the time of "The Princess Bride," Andre was going through an image change, from good guy to bad guy. Andre wasn't happy about this at all, but business is business.

What did Billy think of the Presidential campaign? Billy says Mitt reminds him of a guy in a Cialis commercial. Nice looking man with a sweater resting on his shoulders and tied around his neck. A good looking guy but not really that potent. Dave mentions his experience with Mitt Romney and recently with the head of the Mormons, Murray Sugarman. Billy had a good laugh at this as he was taken in by Dave's story, up to the point of the head of the Mormons being Murray Sugarman. Billy pointed out that this is how comedy works. People at home should take note. What will be the hardest thing for Mitt about being President? Says Billy: "Moving into a smaller house." Billy has an idea. He has a life-size head photo of Mitt Romney. The mouth is cut out. Billy puts the photo up to his face, sticks his lips through, and pretends to be Mitt Romney, ala Conan's Bill Clinton. Following this, a photo is taken of Dave and "Mitt." The photographer: Walter Kim. Did you see Walter milk his time on camera? I thought he was never going to take the picture! Goodness!

Yes, it's 25 years since the premiere of "The Princess Bride." Billy's next film opens not quite 25 years from now, but just about. "Parental Guidance" opens Christmas Day.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: "It's all happening here Monday as Dave welcomes Jack Hanna, and from 'New Girl' Max Greenfield. Visit cbs.com/lateshow to watch The Wallflowers Live on Letterman! The Wallflowers' exclusive online concert from the Ed Sullivan Theater can be streamed on demand. Put it on your bucket list, Myrtle."

ACT 6:
Dave forgot to do this earlier. We take a look what's in store tomorrow on the "Weekend Late Show" with Bruce and Linda.
We come upon Bruce and Linda at the familiar desk of the Late Show. It is adorned with festive flowers and light-hearted decor of a weekend morning program
LINDA: "Thanks, Dave, and happy Columbus Day Weekend! We have a very special treat on tomorrow's show, when the Schenectady Masque and Gown Community Theater Troupe presents a re-enactment of Christopher Columbus arriving in the New World. They're performing the whole thing in our parking lot!
BRUCE: "Ahoy! It's also harvest season, and Don Swegle from the American Gourd Society will be here to judge your entries in our 'Gourd That Resembles My Pet' contest."
LINDA: "Someone's going to win a gym membership and a 3-month supply of pet food!"
BRUCE: "There are some amazing entries . . . ."
LINDA: "Now, is an iPhone in your budget? Because in our 'Technology Spotlight' this week, we're going to look at an alternative: walkie-talkies."
BRUCE: "10-4! All that, plus homemade chewing guy, donating blood plasma, and 'When is burning your trash the right thing to do?' Tomorrow on the Weekend Late Show."

A quick CBS promo and congratulations follows: "CBS Congratulates Bruce and Linda on their three Emmy wins!"

ACT 7:
THE WALLFLOWERS
From the forthcoming album, "Glad All Over," The Wallflowers performed "Reboot The Mission"

And that was our show for Friday October 5, 2012.



I created a time-travel machine just like the one in "Looper." I can travel a week ahead in time, but it takes the machine 7 days to get me there.

I followed professional wrestling in the early 80s purely for fun. I really enjoyed some of the story lines. Professional wrestling would come on every Saturday morning and we would get to see the big names wrestle against nobodies. You rarely got a good match. If you wanted to see a good wrestler against a good wrestler you had to buy a ticket at an arena. Two wrestlers you NEVER saw were Andre the Giant and the current champion. That would cost you money. You weren't getting either of those two for free.
When wrestling was still kinda "new," not quite in the public's eye, a friend and I decided to take in a match at the Madison Square Garden. We made it into the big city for some goofy fun. We went to the box office for two tickets. We were told the night's wrestling card was sold out. What? Professional wrestling . . . at Madison Square Garden . . . room for 20,000 was sold out?! We couldn't believe it. Did professional wrestling really have this much of an audience? We went outside and were soon approached by a scalper. Did we want two? Yes, we did. Kidding around, we asked who was wrestling tonight. The guy had no idea. He checked the ticket impatiently and said, "Bob Backlund." My friend Jimmy and I started jumping up and down like little school girls who just saw Justin Bieber. "Bob Backlund is wrestling tonight! Bob Backlund is wrestling tonight!" The scalper saw his price quickly double. He then realized we were just being idiots. He got down to business. "You want two tickets or not?" We unenthusiastically worked out a deal, maybe costing $10 a ticket. We were in. We still couldn't believe the place was sold out. During the many matches, Jimmy and I played the part of wide-eyed excited guys in love with professional wrestling. We yelled, screamed, hollered, offered encouragement, booed the bad guys, and drank a lot of beer. Sitting next to Jimmy was a very pretty girl. Jimmy, an equally good-looking guy, tried to start up a conversation. Nothing doing. She had little time for Jimmy. Jimmy tried again, and then again a little later. He was getting nowhere. She then turned to Jimmy, fed up, and said, "Listen! I'm here with my grandfather because I didn't want him coming here by himself. YOU'RE here because you want to be here." Jimmy was stunned silent, then laughed in her face. All he could say was, "You're right. Good point." We still laugh about that 30 years later.

Uh oh, pitcher Kris Medlen of the Atlanta Braves . . . . . the Braves have won the last 23 games he has started. That's unheard of, unless you just said it out loud. Then it's heard of, but it's still pretty unbelievable. Medlin is scheduled to pitch against the Cardinals in a one-game National League playoff. So why do I say "Uh oh" that Kris Medlen is pitching. Isn't that a good thing? Of course it is, but I can't help but think of Rick Sutcliffe on the 1984 Chicago Cubs. He went on a 16-1 streak with the Cubs to finish the regular season but then lost the 5th and final game of the playoffs against the San Diego Padres. When I think of Kris Medlen, I think of Rick Sutcliffe, 1984.
I'll be rooting for the Braves, up until I hear the Tomahawk Chop chant from their fans. It's annoying, it's dull, it's tired . . . . and it doesn't work.

Is it Tebow Time? I didn't think the Jets would go with him this week against the Houston Texans who many think may be the best team in football. The Jets will let the Texans eat up on QB Mark Sanchez. Next week will be Tebow Time when the Jets play the Colts. Just my guess.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Cornwall, New York and an Albertus Magnus alum, it's Michael Mulligan
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

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