Jack Hanna, and Max Greenfield.
PLUS: what's new with Joe Theismann; a word from Jim Lehrer; a cocky Mitt; Dave's plea to Mitt; and a Top Ten list.
" . . . . and now, the seasick captain of the Santa Maria . . . . . . . . David Letterman!"
-"In honor of Columbus Day, earlier this evening the Jets lost 14 to 92."
Funny joke, but then the Jets went out and ruined it by losing by only 6.
-"Joe Biden took six days off to prepare for the debate . . . . six days off from what?!"
We take a moment to check in to see what's happening with former NFL quarterback Joe Theismann.
Cut to a shot of Joe.
JOE THEISMANN: "My prostate was giving me fits!"
Thank you, Joe. Go for the probe.
Jim? Quick cut to Jim Lehrer: "Thank you, and good night."
The control room was told just before the show that Dave would call for that. No mention of when or where. And the call could be as simple as, "Jim?" The control room was on it.
Dave begins to talk about the Vice Presidential debate. As soon as he mentions the name, "Paul Ryan," the girls in the balcony squeal with teenage lust and delirium. It was fun to watch audience coordinator David Kay scampering around the balcony trying to find them to "shhhh" them down.
Dave stops suddenly to look over at Mr. Shaffer. The band leader is wearing large, over-sized sunglasses, as if he just had drops put on at the optometrist. He asks Paul, "Paul, are we working with lasers later? Welding?"
You can sense the excitement in the Romney camp following his decisive win in last Wednesday's debate. Dave suspects the Republican nominee may be getting a bit too cocky. We take a look at some of his cockiness.
We see a clip of a dancing Mitt, Gangnam style. That's the way it was written in the script: "Gangnam style." I have no idea what that is. Luckily, I live in the Information Age where I can just click a button or two and found out.
From the Wikipedia:
Gangnam Style - Gangnam Style is a single by South Korean rapper Psy. The song was released on July 15, 2012. "Gangnam Style" debuted at number one on the Gaon Chart, the national record chart of South Korea. As of October 8, 2012 (2012 -10-08)[update], the music video has been viewed over 400 million times on YouTube.
Now you know what Gangnam Style is. We live in wonderful times.
Sitting in with the band tonight is Funkmaster Larry Graham. His CD is entitled, "Raise Up."
Dave's guts are on fire. He's always looking to make friends but sometimes says the wrong things at the wrong times. He's learned that you will not work long on TV if you irritate people. He's recently had to apologize to Donald Trump for calling him a racist. Dave apologized again tonight for the 19th time. We've been trying to get the Mitt here on the show but he's been dodging and avoiding and delaying. Now that Dave has seen how well Mitt can debate, Dave admits to being a mite afraid that he will come on the show. Dave doesn't quite understand how Mitt can stand up to world leaders but can't come on the Late Show. Dave wonders if Mitt is yellow. And since Mitt refuses to release his tax returns, Dave surmises that Mr. Mitt may also be a felon. That comment resulted in a phone call from the head of the Mormon League, Murray Sugarman. He wants Dave to apologize for calling Mitt a felon.
Dave says we welcome felons onto the show. He names two that we have here. I'll give you a second to think of the two Dave mentioned.
TOP TEN: LESSER-KNOWN CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DISCOVERIES
9. Ferdinand and Isabella hated the nickname "Ferdabella."
6. A certain plus-sized woman named Nina didn't appreciate seeing her name on a boat
3. Those anti-seasickness wristbands do nothing.
1. For live shipboard entertainment, you can't beat Regis
I handed in a few Top Tens before the show just in case we needed a pinch-hitter for one or two.
LESSER-KNOWN CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DISCOVERIES
-The secret to a fluffier meringue . . . . cornstarch
-Once discovered some chicken in Rupert's Hello Deli chicken noodle soup
-Found what channel Al Gore's "Current TV" is on
-Discovered who put the bomp in the bomp bah bomp bah bomp, and who put the ram in the rama lama ding dong
-In July, the best route to The Hamptons from New York City is the Northern State, to the Southern State, to Route 27.
-Razzles are a gum, not a candy.
The Razzles joke was for me.
Two Siberian tigers. They are little and cute and small now, but in two years they will be 600 pounds. The Siberians acted like restless, rambunctious twins who knew they were being cute. One took Dave's question sheet off the desk and crumpled it up. The other one chewed on the cushion of the 2nd guest chair. Siskel and Ebert used to do the same thing when they would come on the show.
A large bearcat. Jack admits to not being sure what this is. Dave believes it is a New York City rat.
a snow leopard - very cute, very adorable, very gorgeous. The coat of the snow leopard could bring in $80,000. Wow! What a spoiled snow leopard! My parents would never buy me an $80,000 coat! What's the matter, the snow leopard couldn't find anything at K-Mart?
A warthog. Why is it called a warthog? Because it has two warts on its face. Wow, talk about bullying! The warthog is very aware of its hideous appearance. Backstage before the show you could hear the warthog complaining, "What do you mean I have to follow the snow leopard!" I bet without its $80,000 coat, a snow leopard would look just like a warthog.
An alligator - it's watertight just like a submarine. In a fight, an alligator could beat up a crocodile, mostly because it is more aggressive. Yeah, but if the gator used the rope-a-dope . . .
And that was Jack and his animals.
Music from Larry Graham.
From the FOX program, "Nice Girl." Max likes animals . . . except for birds. If time permitted, Jack was going to show an Egyptian Vulture. Relax, relax . . . even though the Egyptian Vulture did not appear, it'll still get paid. And we'll have it back at its earliest convenience.
Why does Max dislike birds? When he was a kid, a bird flew down the chimney and flew all over the house. Mom panicked. Mom's panic frightened Max and he never got over it. He's not sure what kind of bird it was, but guesses it may have been a blue jay. Hey, don't laugh. Blue jays can be damn nasty. They eat other birds' eggs. Yeah.
And then years later when he was in high school, he and friends went to Six Flags amusement part and drove through the safari. They were under strict orders not to stop the car. Naturally as high schoolers, they stopped the car the first chance they had. Max was in the backseat and his friends in front kept rolling down Max's windows. Max tried to pull the window up as an ostrich approached. He was face-to-face with the emu-like bird. What he didn't realize that there was another ostrich poking its head through the other window. Max whimpered and cowered. Max recognized the look on the face of one of the ostriches. It was a look his father would often give. The look said, "I am not angry at you but, boy, am I disappointed."
"Nice Girl" - it's on the FOX, Tuesday nights at 9:00 PM.
And that was our show for Monday, October 08th, 2012.
It's an annual story at the Wahoo Gazette.
October 12th is the traditional Columbus Day. It was the day he landed in the New World. Now we celebrate Columbus Day on the second Monday in October. Anyway, in the year 2000, our October 12th show was #1492. As a fan of numbers, I was beside myself with glee that day . . . . October 12th --- 1492! I shared my excitement with fellow staffers but none were nearly as enthused as was I.
Next on the horizon: March 8, 2013. Will the March 8th, 2013 show be number 3813? We are at #3739 now.
After a quick check I found . . . March 8, 2013 . . . . 3/8/13 . . . . will be show #3819. Damn! We need to eliminate a week and a day of shows behind now and then.
Russell Martin has the same middle name in Baltimore as Bucky Dent has in Boston
Why do schools make Christopher Columbus out to be a villain but then gladly take off every second Monday in October?
Infield fly rule . . . yikes. Did you see the umpire's call in the Atlanta/St. Louis one-game playoff game Friday night? If you didn't and aren't familiar with the call or the ruling, stop reading now and jump ahead. It's all too confusing. In a nutshell, this is what happened. In the playoffs, two extra umpires are used to better call the game. Each is placed on the foul line, one in right field, the other in left. Basically, it's their job to call foul balls and home runs. It's the only time all year that these two extra umpires are used. It's brand new to them, a position with which they are totally unfamiliar. The infield-fly rule enforced Friday night in the playoff game was made by one of these extra umpires. Should he have ruled it an infield fly? I don't think so, though some do. The umpire never worked from this new position in the outfield, or if he did, it's only once a year. He was working from a new perspective. If he was one of the umpires in a four-man crew, like it is during the regular season, would he have made the same call? I guess we'll never know . . . . BUT . . . . dammit, this is from the October 6, 2010 Wahoo Gazette.
From the October 6, 2010 Wahoo Gazette . . . two years ago.
"In the playoffs, two additional umpires are added to work the outfield foul lines. These umpires haven't worked the outfield line all season. They are new at this, unless they performed the duty in playoffs past. Here's my idea . . . . . . I'll wait for you to get a pad and pencil to write this down . . . . .
OK, you're back. Here goes. In the final two weeks of the regular season, the umpires who have been chosen to work the playoffs should be teamed together and work these final games as if it were the playoffs. These regular season final games should be umpired by a team of 6 instead of the regular four. This way, by the time the playoffs roll around they will have some experience at this unfamiliar position of umpiring. Plus, it'll help the other umpires become comfortable with the new set-up. It's ridiculous for them to have to learn this new positioning during the most important games of the Major League season.
Now put that in a letter and send it off to the Commissioner's Office. Thank you."
Sigh . . . do you know how frustrating it is to be right all the time? It's called "foresight," people. Preparation. Anticipation. Playing the "What if . . . ." It's sort of what I do here, the "Just in case" scenario.
And while I'm at it, I know I've said this many times before, but when a football team is winning late in the game and the quarterback takes a knee to run out the clock, the deep man on offense to guard against a disaster shouldn't be a running back or a wide receiver. It should be your best tackler. Someone from the defense.
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Woodbridge, New Jersey, on his 55th birthday, it's Anthony Girgenti
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Michael Z. McIntee