Jerry Seinfeld, and Jason Isbell and Amanda Shires.
Plus: Heinz Mustard; Non-winning Pulitzer Journalist; climate change at the Vatican; a Top Ten list; and the Best of Biff.
From the employee break room at the Large Hadron Collider, it’s the Late Show with David Letterman. Tonight: Jerry Seinfeld, and Jason Isbell and Amanda Shires. Plus: Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra. I’m Alan Kalter. And now, a man hopped-up on placebos . . . . . . . . . David Letterman!”
-“The New York City system handles 1/7 billion subway riders a year. It’s so crowded in the trains, I can’t do my breakdancing routines.”
-“The Olive Garden will provide your own computers at every table. It’s a perfect way for a family of four to ignore each other.”
-“You can’ also use the Olive Garden computer to go on the internet to look up a better restaurant to go to”
-“For the first time in two years, a majority of Americans approve of President Obama. His approval rating is up. And all it took was getting a look at the group who wants to replace him”
-“Tomorrow, Al Pacino turns 75. You remember his famous ‘Scarface’ line, ‘Say hello to my little friend.’ Also made famous by Congressman Anthony Weiner.”
We’re on the precipice of a condiment war. Heinz, best known for ketchup, is taking aim at top seller French’s mustard by offering its own mustard in grocery stores for the first time. We take a look at what Heinz is doing.
ANNOUNCE: America’s favorite ketchup, Heinz, is setting its sights on mustard. Heinz’s new Yellow Mustard is made from the finest natural flavorings, distilled vinegar, a special blend of salt, onion powder and other spices, sugar, and the freshest juiciest vine-ripened red tomatoes . . . . Heinz Mustard: It’s ketchup!”
Not everybody gets to win a Pulitzer Prize. It’s a goal of most journalists, but only few are chosen. We take a look at one journalist who did not be winning a Pulitzer Prize.
ART CARD: JOURNALISTS WHO DID NOT WIN A PULTIZER PRIZE
The anchor back in the studio throws it to the on-the-scene news reporter. We see Melissa staring at the camera unaware that she’s on.
MELISSA: “. . . . . Huh? . . . .What? . . . . . What? . . . . . . Right now? . . . .”
ART CARD: JOURNALISTS WHO DID NOT WIN A PULTIZER PRIZE
And that’s the way it is.
The Vatican is going to hold a climate change summit. We take a look at their official announcement.
We see the Pope speeching from his balcony.
ANNOUNCE: “On April 28th, Pope Francis convenes the Vatican City Climate Change Summit. Join us as we discuss the most pressing environmental issues facing our planet, including greenhouse gases, rising sea levels, and unstoppable winds.”
During his talk, the Pope’s skullcap flies off from the wind and his robe blows into his face.
ANNOUNCE 2: “Obstructed-View Seating Still Available!
Ahhh, and that made coming to work today worth it.
We say hello to our old friend, Biff!
Biff enters and sits. Biff has been with every step of the way, starting with Dave on June 23, 1980 on the daytime show. That’s 35 years. Biff’s been a great friend and a fixture on the show from Day 1. It bothers Dave a little that Biff is more beloved than him.
Tonight we took a look at some Biff Highlights here at the Late Show.
Jerry enters and does stand-up. If it sounded the familiar . . . . . well, you need to get out of the house a bit more. Tonight’s standup was the same material he used on his very first appearance on Late Night back on May 13, 1982. Dave sniffed something was up about halfway through. The jokes still work all these years later, though the joking about obesity is not so accepted today as back then. But Jerry made it work, then and now.
What impressed Jerry most about Dave? Easy . . . it’s his run across the stage at the top of the show. Jerry’s running days are behind him. How does Dave do it? Dave says it isn’t all that difficult and offers Jerry the opportunity to try it himself. The two icons walk back through the guest entrance. Dave goes first. He explains how he taps something two times before his dash, and then he goes. Great stride, great form, very natural. Now it’s jerry’s turn. Jerry runs across as if his jeans are much too tight. Tiny strides, body erect, no forward lean. He almost looked like a guy who is afraid to run. But he can sure tell a joke! He’s got that going for him, at least! Jerry and Dave sit back down and thanks Dave for that great honor. It’s something all of us would probably love to do.
Jerry asks Dave if he knows what it’s like to be a guest on the show. Dave says he’s been a guest many times on talk show and admits to being awful at it. But that’s not what Jerry’s getting at. Does Dave know what it’s like to be a guest on Dave’s show? Naturally, no. Jerry shows Dave what it’s like. Jerry gets up from his chair and sits up on the backrest. Now he towers over Dave. And that’s what it’s like. Dave’s chair is always much higher than the guest’s. They then switch seats. Dave now sees what Jerry means. And I think he likes it that way. I don’t see any changes coming in the weeks ahead.
Dave admits he’s having second thoughts about leaving. He thought it might be a good time to spend more time with the family. Jerry suggests that sounds like a good idea, but never is. Dave realizes he will now have to do things himself, like buying a suit. He’s had people do that for him for a long long time. He’s not sure . . . do you buy a suit at Raymour and Flanigan? Is that what Raymour and Flanigan do?
Jerry Seinfeld – one of the funniest! Can you get any simpler than “Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee”? And it works! And Jerry’s a big fan of WFAN’s Steve Somers. I’m a fan of anyone who is a fan of Steve Somers
ANNOUNCE: “Join us again Monday as Dave welcomes Scarlett Johansson, and John Mellencamp. A special hello to our advertisers who’ve tuned in to make sure their commercials are airing.”
TOP TEN: 2015 PROM THEMES
10. Night of a Thousand Hormones
9. The World Before Antibiotics
8. Know Your Rights as a Tuxedo Renter
7. Garden of Deleted E-mails
6. Build-Your-Own Baked Potato Under The Stars
5. Hooray for Taxidermy
4. Scientology Wonderland
3. Goodbye Dreaming, Hello Settling
2. Blue Bell Ice Cream Special
1. Prom Blart Mall Cop
Mine, just in case: “Vodka In A Water Bottle-Palooza”
The married couple of Jason Isbell and Amanda Shires, along with Mickey Raphael on harmonica, performed Warren Zevon’s “The Mutineer.”
Jason Isbell’s new album, “Something More Than Free,” will be in stores in July
And that was our show for Friday April 24, 2015.
Dave said he’s a mustard guy. Almost apologetically, he says his son Harry is a ketchup guy. Dave wonders where he went wrong. I laughed because I’m the same way. My daughter Danielle puts ketchup on her . . . hot dogs! I cringe every time. I mean, I could even live with her going with Yellow instead of Spicy Brown . . . but ketchup on a hot dog? Don’t you eventually grow out of that stage?
I tell it every time Jerry Seinfeld is here. Here is my abbreviated version.
Berkshires in the 80s. Seinfeld would be performing. I waited on line for tickets. I was next. Now it’s my turn. I’m told, “Sorry, we just sold out.” Lady at the window says, “Come back in two hours, we may put more on sale.” Come back in an hour. Another line had formed. I got on. I was next. Now it’s my turn. I’m told, “Sorry, we just sold out.”
Well, 30 years later I got to Jerry Seinfeld at West Point last Fall. Denise and I sat so far back in the balcony, Jerry looked like Matt Lauer.
Dave’s daytime show premiered June 23, 1980. This was a month after I graduated college. I was suffering the effects of real life. The make-pretend fun life of college was behind me. Reality was awful. I was money-less, depressed, no direction. And this show, The David Letterman Show, was the only thing that got me out of the bed in the morning. And for that I will be forever grateful. Loved the show. Needed the show.
I’ve never been a Grateful Dead-head but I find “Ripple” so beautiful it almost makes me weep.
I don’t want to tell this joke, but I do want to tell this joke. I know some may be offended, some be sensitive, but . . . . I mean no harm. It’s a joke, just a joke. And I want to put in a claim to be first with this:
“Aunt-Man” – starring Bruce Jenner.
Good? No good? Bad taste? Should I apologize? Let me know.
Saw this in the newspaper the other day.
Modern technology is making us dumb. It’s doing all our thinking for us. Growing scientific evidence suggests a future where our brains may prematurely fail in later life through under-use. Mental Health professionals are describing this as “e-mentia”
The article continues that our use of the GPS stops us from using the brain’s sophisticated capacity for mapping surroundings as we pass them and building impressions into a mental picture. I’ve been saying this for years. With the GPS, what once took me one trip to learn how to get somewhere now takes me many trips to learn. It’s a skill I’ve lost.
Dave lines through the years:
“I have eaten human flesh” (how to get out of jury duty) - 6/12/08 #2939
“You can’t have a great city without liquor” – ACT 4 – 8/08/08 #2970
“One thing people know about me is I hate communists” – 8/25/08 #2971
“C’mon, girl, open up” – to Dr. Phil – 9/03/08 #2977
“He’s the only guest I’m afraid may hit me” (about Bill O’Reilly) - 10/27/08 #3005
“I know she’s busted more than one penis” – about Oprah – 11/27/08 #3027
“You don’t know who I am, do you?” – to Jonas Brothers – 2/12/09 #3065
“What I know about Conan . . . he once killed a man” – 6/01/09 #3123
“If you can walk, you don’t walk away from the show” – 7/29/09 #3160
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Michael Z. McIntee