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Wednesday, July 30, 2014 A visit from Dave's pool boy.
Show #4067
Zoe Saldana, Jay Carney, and Crash.
PLUS: Sharknado 2 sequel ; Dave’s pool boy; Obama then and now; Dollar Store buys Family Dollar; Celebrity Feuds; and a TopTen list.

“ . . . . and now, prairie-land populist . . . . . . . . David Letterman!

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE

-“Martha Stewart brought a drone. Are you like me? Are you concerned an ex-con has a drone?”

Are you going to watch “Sharkado 2”? Dave didn’t realize SyFy is already preparing a sequel. The franchise is extremely successful. We take a look at this promo.
ANNOUNCE: “2013 was the year of ‘Sharknado.’ 2014 is the year of ‘Sharknado 2.’ And 2015will be the year of the most terrifying sequel yet: ‘Windnado’, the sharknado made of wind!”
We see windy scenes.
Character in Windnado in the wind: “Let’s go stop some windnados!”
ANNOUNCE: “’Windnado: only on SyFy.

Enter a bare-chested beefy guy in a bathing suit.
DAVE: “Oh, hi.”
GUY: (sort of whispering to Dave) “pH level is 8.2”
Dave and the guy get into a private conversation.
DAVE: “That’s no good. It’s probably the calcium scaling.”
GUY: “I screwed up and used the 3-inch tablets instead of the 1-inch.”
DAVE: “Here’s what you do; add some muriatic acid while the pump is running.”
GUY: “OK, I’ll fix it right away.”
DAVE: “Fine. I’ll see you back at the house.”
Guy exits.
PAUL: “Dave, who was that guy?”
DAVE: Oh, that was my pool boy, Jeff.”
PAUL: “ . . . . and you’re going to pump some muriatic acid through the system.”
DAVE: “That’s right.”

It’s the ten-year anniversary of Barack Obama’s big speech at the 2004 Democratic convention. Things have changed a little since then. Here’s a new segment called, “Barack Obama: Then / Barack Obama: Now.” We take a look. ANNOUNCE: “’Barack Obama: Then’” – we see Obama giving a thrilling speech at the Demo Convention, 2004: “ . . . there is not a liberal America and conservative America, there is the United States of America! We are one people, all of us pledging allegiance to the stars and stripes, all of us defending the United States of America!”
ANNOUNCE: “Barack Obama: Now” – we see Obama at a lectern in front of an audience: “ . . . . . what are your ideas?”
ANNOUNCE: “See you next time on Barack Obama: Then / Barack Obama: Now. Same Barack time, same Barack channel.”

Do you folks enjoy dollar stores? Well, two of your favorites are merging; Family Dollar is being bought by Dollar Tree. We take a look at this announcement.
ANNOUNCE: “Discount retailer Dollar Tree is buying competitor Family Dollar for $8.5 billion dollars. The transaction for the all-cash deal began today.”
We cut to the actual exchange of cash. We see two suits on the left, a female on the right, and a gentleman from the Dollar Tree in the middle counting out the $8.5 billion.
DOLLAR TREE GUY: “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven . . . “ fade to a shot further in the future . . . . “149, 150, 151, 152 . . .”
ANNOUNCE: “Dollar Tree, where everything’s a dollar, unless it isn’t.”

Odd Dave: more pointing, finger shooting, winking, and “Hey, Dutch, how you doing?” during the ACT 1.

ACT 2:
Remember the cute and love able Justin Bieber? He’s now become criminal. It’s a shame that all that talent is going wrong. This weekend, he got into an altercation with actor Orlando Bloom at a restaurant. Fists were thrown. But this wasn’t the only celebrity feud this week. We take a look at this.
ART CARD: THIS WEEK IN CELEBRITY FEUDS.
ANNOUNCE (over footage) “Orlando Bloom tried to punch Justin Bieber after a heated exchange of words.
Freddie Prinze Jr. said working with Kiefer Sutherland was an experience that made him want to quit acting. (still shot)
And finally, David Letterman and Bob Scheiffer argued when neither could remember where they parked the car. (footage of two old man fighting in the street)

TOP TEN: LESSER KNOWN LABORS OF HERCULES
Dave asks Paul is he knows much about Hercules. Paul begins to answer, but it soon becomes obvious he knows nothing about the strong man. Dave is in the same boat. He knows nothing about Hercules, has no interest in mythology, and says he should probably know more. (This could be me talking.)
From the blue card: “According to legend, Hercules was ordered to complete 12 tasks, or labors, as a penance to atone for his past.”
I then listed 3 of the 12 labors.
- Slay the Nemean lion
- Kill the 9-headed hydra
- Capture the Cretan bull
None of that meant anything to me

. TOP TEN LESSER KNOWN LABORS OF HERCULES
10. Sort out issues between Oedipus and his mom
9. Have Comcast disconnect his service
8. Free those people under a dome
7. Get laid on Lesbos
6. Convince woman in book publishing to start reading
5. Talk to Poseidon about the unpleasant fish odor
4. Tell the difference between Amy Adams and Isla Fisher
3. Record video greeting for Mercury's fiftieth birthday
2. Put a Trojan on a horse
1. Sit through the entire film "Hercules"

ACT 3:
ZOE SALDANA

She’s in the big summer blockbuster, “Guardians of the Galaxy.” In this movie, she’s green. She was blue in the Avatar. Is she planning on going through the whole Crayola lineup? Zoe says she has sworn off the sci-fi’s, but then a great director will offer her a role in a sci-fi and she can’t say no.
Zoe likes the tattoos. She puts a lot of thought into each etching and goes into each process clear-headed and confident. She’s escorted friends to get their tatts, but finds it’s easier when they are liquored up. They usually have remorse afterwards. Not Zoe. Her husband also likes the tattoos and recently had a Zoe-likeness put on his arm. Dave has a Pat Sajak on chest. (Remember when Dave showed off his Larry King tattoo on his calf?)
“Guardians of the Galaxy” – I hear it’s crazy good on the IMAX 3D. Little known fact: The Late Show is in 3D, but only for the studio audience.

“Guardians of the Galaxy” – in the IMAX 3D this Friday.

ACT 4:
JAY CARNEY

The former White House Press Secretary for President Obama. Dave considers being the White House Press Secretary as being the toughest job in the world. The youthful-looking Jay, 49, already has that on his resume. Also on his resume:
- Washington Bureau Chief for TIME magazine
- Director of Communications for V.P. Joe Biden
(My resume includes car wash attendant)
How did Jay get to be Joe Biden’s Director of Communications? He said he had a friend who was a member of an awful garage band . . . and foreign policy expert, put him in touch with the Veep. After two years at that job, President Obama was looking for a Press Secretary, and grabbed Jay. Jay held the position for 5 years, longer than anyone in decades. The full time, all-the-time job takes its toll and Jay finally felt it was time to spend some time with his growing family. The President, the dad of young kids himself, didn’t want Jay to go but he understood.
The job of Press Secretary comes with some phrases that are valuable when trying to dodge a question.
Such as:
“No comment”
“I don’t have the answer”
“I don’t want to answer that.”
“Yeah, I may be making that up.”
“You already know the answer”
“I’m not going to tell you.”
“I don’t want to.”
“See yesterday’s non-response.”
Hey, wait a minute! I use these same lines on my wife!

Jay says the most important thing you can say when you don’t know something is: “I don’t know.” The worst thing you can do is “wing” an answer you aren’t sure about. Not being on point will always come back to bite you. Jay is prepped with 40 to 50 subjects of the day when he conducts the press meeting. Still, there is always a question that comes up that isn’t on that list.

White House Press Secretary – not a job for me. I’m not very good at deflecting blame or directing a conversation. I’m sure I’d be up there saying, “OK, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Hey, wait a minute! I use that line on my wife.”

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: “More fun tomorrow with Dave and his guests Julia Louis-Dreyfus, comedian Michael Somerville, and David Gray. A special hello to our viewers who’ve recently had their tires rotated.”

ACT 7:
CRASH

A founding member of “Edward Sharpe and The Magnetic Zeros,” from his new solo album ”Hardly Criminal,” David Gray performed “Motion Animal”

And that was our show for Wednesday, July 30, 2014.

Dave introducing the Top Ten tonight could have been me. I know nothing about Hercules or mythology. I hate it when mythology is a category on “Jeopardy.” Never interested me; still doesn’t. Typing up a blue card for tonight’s Labor of Hercules topic was a bit of a struggle since I had no idea where Dave was coming from. Does he know Herc, or doesn’t he? I’ve learned that he and I have similar interests. If I have no use for mythology, I figured he wouldn’t either. DING!

I had no idea Hercules went into labor.
Did you know that Hercules was given the 12 labors to perform after he killed his family? I don’t remember that part in the 1960s cartoon.
I got an e-mail yesterday. Plans are being made for our 40th high school reunion. 40 years out! This aging thing isn’t funny anymore. It’s getting serious. That’s 10 presidential terms. That’s 1/6 of the nation’s existence. Whenever I’m asked by a young ‘un how old I am, I tell them “When I was born, there were only 48 states.”

White House Press Secretary has to be one of the worst/best jobs. It seems you have to constantly make excuses and explain away problems. Basically, you really have to know how to BS politely. And be likeable. I would hate it, but I would love to be great at it.
My favorite White House Press Secretary – Ari Fleischer – 2001 – 2003 – A local kid from Pound Ridge in Westchester and I heard a resident of nearby Suffern. And he’s a Yankee fan.

And now, something completely new and completely old.
It’s THIS DATE IN WAHOO EXTRA HISTORY!

The Wahoo Extra from July 30, 2002.

And that was our show for Tuesday July 30, 2002.

Is it really only Tuesday?

I heard this song the other day and realized it was all wrong. Barbra Streisand’s “People.” “People who need people are the luckiest people in the world.”
People who need people are:
1. The loneliest people in the world.
2. A pain to those who want to be left alone.
3. Too damn needy.

I got an e-mail the other day congratulating me on my Wahoo job. “What, you only have to work a couple hours a day watching the show and then writing about it?” I would ignore this but if one person thinks this then others probably do too. I have a full time job at the Late Show working as . . . hold on while I check the credits . . . working as a Production Coordinator. Writing the Wahoo Gazette is something I do when I could be eating lunch, going to the bathroom, making personal calls, or getting home at a reasonable hour. I squeeze in the Wahoo Gazette while tending my daily toil.

SNAPPLE UNDER THE CAP FUN FACT OF THE DAY:
(We didn’t get our Snapple delivery Monday)
#8. A bee has 5 eyes.
CAMEO MENTION OF A NON-WAHOO READER
Tonight’s city: Butte, Montana Name: Ferguson Google search produced:
Montana’s Youth Governor of 1993, from Great Falls it’s Kendall Ferguson.
This concludes another episode of CAMEO MENTION OF A NON-WAHOO READER

MY BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN STORY II: I worked with a guy in a dead end job back in 1982. We start talking about Bruce Springsteen. He says he once delivered furniture to his house and met Bruce. “No kidding!” I say. He says, “Yeah, he’s really down to earth”
Since then I’ve learned two things about Bruce Springsteen.
1. Everyone knows someone who has met Bruce Springsteen.
2. They all say the same thing: “He’s really down to earth.”

Looks like 76er’s Allen Iverson will be cleared of all charges. Hey, no harm, no foul.

Watch the Tony Mendez Show! It’s better than ever!

And that was the Wahoo Extra from July 30, 2002.

Look out! August is coming! Running out of time to make the Summer of ’14 special.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
It’s birthday boy Justin Stangel.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

Tonight's Guests

Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Michael Somerville
David Gray

Wahoo Gazette Archive

Wednesday, July 30
A visit from Dave's pool boy.
Tuesday, July 29
"Guardians of the Galaxy" looks like a sure-fire hit.
Monday, July 28
Things turn ugly when Spider-man meets Elmo during Dave's monologue.
Friday, July 25
From an ad in a newspaper... "Click here"?
Wednesday, July 23
The PonyCycle gets put out to pasture.