Jim Carrey, and David Tennant.
PLUS: Barbara Walters out of retirement; a Walmart apology; the White House hacked; a Jeb Bush Update; a visit from NASA; Sue Hum; a Top Ten List; and the Charlie Brown Halloween special.
“ . . . and now, six feet of sunshine . . . . . . . . . David Letterman!”
-“The Late Show . . . where the only thing contagious is the laughter.”
-“Pope Francis says he believes in evolution, and the Big Bang theory, but he still can‘t explain Bruce Jenner.”
Ms. Barbara Walters is coming out of retirement to do some stuff for ABC. It’s not surprising. She needs the money after blowing it all in Atlantic City. We take a look at Miss Barbara playing the slots. Yeah, she’s got that mesmerized, trance-like look at the spinning numbers and fruit.
Hear about this? Walmart had to apologize after listing “Fat Girl” Halloween costumes on its website. They quickly released this statement.
ANNOUNCE: "We deeply apologize for our insensitive error, but we'd like to remind you that we still offer many costumes that are respectful of a woman's body, including,
-Red Hot Riding Hood
-High Seas Hottie
-Nurse Say Ahhh
-and Miss Behaved.
Walmart. Save money. Live better."
Walmart has Fat Girl costumes? Have you ever taken a look at your typical Walmart shopper? Isn’t Fat Girl costumes just another name for the Women’s Department?
Hey-Ohh! I’m in trouble for that one!
Get this, the White House has had their computers hacked. They uploaded naked photos of Joe Biden.
We see VP Biden taking a shower, shampooing his hair and ear hair.
John Ellis Bush is thinking of running for the White House in 2016. Yup, the Bush is Back! We take a look at this Jeb Bush Update.
ART CARD: JEB BUSH UPDATE
ANNOUNCE: "Former Republican Governor Jeb Bush is considering a run for President, and told the Associated Press that his mother, the former First Lady who once said that there had been 'enough Bushes in the White House,' was now 'neutral, trending in a different direction.'
Keep us posted on what Mommy thinks, Jeb.
A Message from Sarcasticorp, a Family Company."
Out of the clip, Dave lets out a big sneeze. Will we see this again someday? Not sure, but I’ll have it in my files under “Odd Dave.”
Hey, who’s this? A dapper gentleman enters and stands by Dave. He’s got a NASA patch on the wrong breast of his jacket. Aren’t the patches usually on the right side? Nice touch, if we did this on purpose.
DAVE: "Hey, how're you doing? Can I help you?"
BILL: I'm Bill Gerstenmaier, Associate Administrator of the National Aeronautics and Space Administration, or Nassau, for short."
DAVE: "I think . . . I think it's NASA, but Bill, it’s good to have you here."
BILL: "Thank you. Dave, as you and your listeners may already know, last night one of our Anteres rockets went kablooie."
DAVE: "I heard about that . . . and that’s an interesting way of phrasing it, too."
BILL: "We have conducted a full investigation and concluded that the problem, in layman's terms, is second-hand Russian rockets . . . too much wodka, if you know what I mean."
DAVE: "No, actually, I don't. I don't really know what you mean, but that's fine."
BILL: "Well, Dave, before I go, I wonder if I might sing a song. Hit it, Paul!”
Dave tries to stop him, but who can stop NASA . . . besides Obama downsizing it, that is.
BILL: (singing Elton John’s “Rocket Man”)
"I think it's gonna be a long, long time
Till touchdown brings me around
To find I'm not the man they think I am at all
Oh no, no, no..."
Dave has enough.
DAVE: "I think you have to leave now. Thank you. Bill Gerstenheimer, everybody"
BILL: "You're welcome, Dave. See you all in orbit!"
The NASA guy exits.
TOP TEN: - once again, sponsored by M&Ms. Out of the Top Ten animations, whom do we find sitting in the guest chair but our costume designer Sue Hum. How she has time to drop in like this so close to Halloween is beyond me.
Dave shares his love of M&Ms with Sue. She politely agrees with pretty much everything he says. But why is she here?
SUE: "Did you already do your jokes?"
DAVE: "The jokes? Yes, I just did the jokes a little earlier."
SUE: "I'm supposed to come out and interrupt you during your jokes."
DAVE: "Uh, huh, well, we've taken care of that tonight, so that's not a problem."
SUE: "Oh, I'm all mixed up ever since we changed the clocks."
DAVE: (chuckling) "Yeah, well, that's a good point, but we don't change the clocks till this weekend."
SUE (growing irritated) "Exactly my point. You really are pretty dumb."
Sue ups and leaves.
DAVE: "Thanks, Sue. Sue Hum, ladies and gentlemen."
TOP TEN THOUGHTS GOING THROUGH JOSE CANSECO'S MIND WHEN HE SHOT OFF HIS FINGER
Former baseball slugger and All-Star Jose Canseco shot off his finger yesterday while cleaning his gun.
10. "Is it 'clean before unloading' or 'unload before cleaning'?"
9. "There goes my Isotoner endorsement"
8. "Someone use my finger to dial 9-1-1"
7. "Did it curve foul?"
6. "I hope they catch the idiot who shot me"
5. "How do I count past nine?"
4. "Manicure: ruined"
3. "Your move, Plaxico"
2. "Is my gun okay?"
1. "Well, so much for finger-pointing"
Hey, we opened “the thing” . . . but Dave never announced tonight’s Top Ten Topic. Something for your blooper reel, people!
His films have garnered nearly 5 billion dollars. His most recent movie has been in the works for the past 20 years . . . “Dumb and Dumber To.”
What’s the deal? Dave introduces Jim Carrey, but there is no Jim Carrey. Dave reintroduces him again but, again, no Jim Carrey. Dave leaves his home base to investigate. Dave walks through the guest entrance to the “air lock” and into the nearby hallway. Oh, there he is! Jim somehow got stuck in our Iron Claw Machine, one of those carnival games where you can pick up a stuffed toy or something by operating a clawed crane. Seems he really wanted to get one of the items inside the claw machine . . . . an Oscar. Dave directs some crew guys to get Jim out of the thing. They then make it back to where they belong. Before getting started, Jim first wants to take Dave’s temperature to make sure he’s free of the ebola. Fever? No. In fact, Dave’s temp reads 55 degrees. And before we get started again, Dave wants Jim to do some of his Matthew McConaughey impersonation, the one where Matty Mc is driving a Lincoln in the commercial.
Jim was the host of Saturday Night Live this weekend. Has he ever wanted to be a cast member? Jim says he tried out years ago. Unfortunately, on the day of his audition there was an NBC Page in Burbank who was contemplating taking a jump off the NBC building. Jimmy C says he was a bit sidetracked. He knew the audition wasn’t going to go well; the potential jumper was a bad omen.
Jim is a grandfather. Imagine that. They seem to make grandfathers a bit different from the ones I remember. He was out with his grandson and daughter doing some snow-mobiling. His son was on hanging to Jim while Jim’s daughter, his grandson’s mom, followed behind. Grandson wanted Grandpa to go faster, faster, and faster, but Jim had to tell him they had to let mom keep up.
Grandson blurts, “Dump the bitch!” That’ll make a sweet memory.
And congratulations to Jim Carrey! He’s got put on a Canadian stamp! Yeah, that’s a pretty good sign of “making it.”
Before introducing the clip to “Dumb and Dumber To,” Jim shows off his veins in his neck. He stretches his jowls to make those two veins twang out from his neck. He then plucks them like a banjo. I did that in college. I made a nuisance of myself by doing that all night at a party. My neck killed me for a week after that.
“Dumb and Dumber To” – it opens November 17th. Not sure if you have to watch the first one to follow the second one. We take a look at a clip. Jim is very happy with the clip, laughing hysterically at the offering. He loses his balance and falls over the back of the guest chair. He then jumps off the ledge behind Dave into the abyss.
ANNOUNCE: “Dial us up again tomorrow as Dave welcomes Brian Williams, and Perfume Genius. So let me get this straight . . . . people in other countries think I’m a foreigner?”
It’s Halloween time and that means all the Halloween specials are on TV this week. Unfortunately, many of these sweet and innocent classic programs have been updated to make them more “in tune” with today’s culture. Why can’t they just leave good enough alone? We take a look at the Charlie Brown Halloween special, “It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.”
We see a scene of Charlie and his friends comparing what they just got trick or treating.
LUCY/LINUS/PIGPEN/OR PEPPERMINT PATTY: "I got five pieces of candy."
LUCY/LINUS/PIGPEN/OR PEPPERMINT PATTY "I got a chocolate bar!"
LUCY/LINUS/PIGPEN/OR PEPPERMINT PATTY "I got a quarter."
CHARLIE BROWN "I got a three-week quarantine." Charlie shows a Quarantine Order.
From FOX’s “Gracepoint.” You may also know him as Dr. Who #10. “Gracepoint” is based on the British series, “Broad Church.” He’s not sure why they changed the name but David believes the British name may have been too “churchy.”
David is from Scotland and Dave has always seemed to have a keen interest in Scotland, and New Zealand. Dave asks about the recent vote in Scotland concerning their independence from the U.K. but David is a bit shy to say which way his family voted. No matter what he said, there would be people who disagreed and would want a reason. Opinions are easy; reasons for your opinions are hard. Dave was hoping for a vote for independence simply because he likes mayhem. A vote for independence would likely bring about some mayhem.
Irish whiskey or Scotch whiskey? David sides with Jack Daniel’s.
Who drinks more, the Irish or the Scottish? David believes that’s an argument that will go on for ages. And they’ll each try to prove they are the biggest drinkers.
How’s Halloween in Scotland? David says it’s hard! In Scotland, you have to perform before you get a treat. You have to sing, or dance, or tell a joke . . . and then you get a simple treat. Here in the U.S. all you have to do is show up and you get lots and lots of stuff!
And then we learn a bit about haggis. As with most food, you don’t want to know much about it. David says he’ll probably have some haggis come January on Robert Burns Day. Scots eat haggis on Robert Burns Day.
David admits he’s not much of a Scot. He doesn’t golf, doesn’t drink whiskey, and he doesn’t even live there.
“Gracepoint” – FOX, Thursday nights at 9 PM.
And that was our show for Wednesday, October 29, 2014.
Congratulations to the San Francisco Giants on their World Series Championship. And thanks to them and the KC Royals for extending the summer for as long as possible. And hey, how ‘bout them San Fran fans?! You gotta be proud of their behavior in “celebration” of the great victory by their team. Bottle throwing, rioting in the streets, gun play, impromptu bon fires in the street, violence, destruction . . . . so classy, Frisco! But isn’t San Francisco supposed to be the cultured town of America? I thought it was New Yorkers who were rude and crude and ungovernable.
What would have made Game 7 better . . . oh, man, if only this happened, and who knows how close it was . . . . 2 outs, bottom of the 9th, KC down by one run. Alex Gordon hits a single and it gets by the centerfielder. The left fielder bobbles it. Alex Gordon rolls into 3rd base. If only he were faster; if only he was waved in to try to score . . . . and if only he was thrown out at the plate . . . . but the catcher was blocking the plate which is no longer allowed . . . . if only all that happened and the umpires had to call in to New York for a decision on whether Gordon was safe or out, a decision of whether the World Series was over or not . . . . oh, man, how great would that have been!? And it was so close to happening. Alex Gordon would be thinking “I’m going to score no matter what” and Buster Posey would be thinking, “There is no way this guy is getting close to the plate.” And then there would be a great collision at home plate, which is no longer allowed. And as his last order of business, Bud Selig would have to explain the whole thing away
My new beer kick: Narragansett. I had it a few years ago in Rhode Island. I see a local beer store in Jersey is selling it. I buy a six-pack a week. I’m eyeballing the stock. I think I’m the only one buying it.
Now if they can only get Piels.
Halloween Story – 1999
TRICK OR TREATIN’ WITH THE KIDS (my twins were just 4 years old): The girls still don’t quite get the hang of Halloween and Trick or Treatin’. Dominique thinks you are supposed to run into the people’s house when they answer the door. Danielle is going through a stage where she is petrified of dogs. So a typical Halloween Trick or Treatin’ scene went something like this:
Ding dong – woman answers the door.
“Oh how cute! Two lady bugs!” Dominique squeezes past the woman and scampers into the house. “Hey, where are you going?” This causes the dog to bark. Bark bark bark goes the dog in the house. Danielle turns and runs screaming toward the busy street. Me – “Domini…. Danielle get back here. Dominique, you can’t go in the house…Danielle, DON’T CROSS THAT STREET! DANIELLE!!!” I run after Danielle and try to calm her down, which is next to impossible since I have to return to the house to retrieve Dominique. The closer we get to the house, the louder Danielle screams. I go into the house and grab Dominique under my other arm. Now I have two girls wailing. It’s fun.
Next year I’m dressing up as a shepherd and bringing along a shepherd’s crook. It’s the only way to handle it.
What’s your Halloween story
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Iola, Kansas, it’s David Sirota
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OS A WAHOOO READER
Michael Z. McIntee