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Wednesday, August 27, 2014 Time for a Grape Break!
Show #4075
James McAvoy, Christopher Russo, and The Last Internationale.
PLUS: The NYC MTA; marijuana soda; the U.S. Open made more fun; Burger King going to Canada; a Top Ten list; and a Grape Break.

“ . . . . and now, proper country gentleman . . . . . . . David Letterman!”

ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE:

-“The New York City subways are infested with bedbugs. And just wait until the rest of them come back from the Hamptons.”
-“The Republicans have come out with a new video game. It’s their way of appealing to the younger generation. It’s not the first GOP video game. Remember the George W. Bush, ‘Grand Theft Election’?”

The MTA isn’t have a great week. They accidentally sent a New York City subway down the wrong track. It was going downtown on the uptown track. It was like a Denzel Washington movie. Well, the city released this announcement to reassure riders that it won’t happen again.
ANNOUNCE: "Earlier this week, an uptown A train was mistakenly routed to the downtown tracks. No accident occurred, but to prevent this sort of incident from happening again, effective immediately all New York City subway trains will travel downtown only.
The MTA: Going your way!"

When I lived in the city, I took the A Train. It may be the best line in the city. I hopped on board at 181st Street and after a few stops, it went express from 125th to 59th. Very convenient. Outside of the possibility of a head-on collision, it’s a great ride.

A company in the state of Washington has released a new Weed soda. It’s marijuana in soda-form. It’s just the opposite of diet soda. We take a look at this commercial for Weed soda.
ANNOUNCE: "Introducing Legal, the new marijuana-infused soda everyone is talking about! With real fruit juice from locally-grown sources, a refreshing burst of carbonation for an uplifting body buzz, and enough sugar and weed to make the typical American even lazier and more obese!
Legal. Drink up, you fast, lazy tub of goo."

It’s the U.S. Tennis Open here in New York. Dave admits the opening rounds aren’t all that interesting. It’s usually the 46th seed vs. the 45th seed .
But the geniuses at CBS have developed a way to make the early rounds more exciting, more interesting, more fun. We take a look.
ART CARD: U.S. OPEN: MORE FUN ON CBS
We see a volley between two female tennis players. Each hit is accompanied with a wacky and zany sound effect.

For some reason, I find the sound effects to be funny. Plus, it gives our sound effects guy Gary Kiffel something to talk about this weekend with friends.

Burger King is moving to Canada and President Obama is not happy about it. It’s nothing but a tax dodge. We take a look at this report.
ANNOUNCE: "Financed by billionaire Warren Buffett, Burger King will purchase Canadian doughnut chain ‘Tim Hortons’ in order to avoid paying American taxes. Upon hearing about the deal, President Obama immediately took back Buffett's Medal of Freedom.
More news, after this."
We see the President removing the medal from the multi-billionaire. Don’t worry, when the President learns that Buffett will be holding back contributions, the President will give him his medal back.

ACT 2:
Dave complains about the weather outside. Uh oh. Usually when the temps tempt the 90s, I’ll make up a blue card of weather stats, usually accompanied by a hose-cam. I didn’t do it today because we didn’t have the hose-cam set up, and because it’s August. It’s supposed to be near the 90s. But it wasn’t really near the 90s at all. It was more about the humidity that made it feel hot and sticky. Plus, the city has had only had one day in the 90s all summer. We shouldn’t be complaining about the heat. It’s been tremendous weather here in the northeast. But most of all, I didn’t make up a blue card because the temps were in the mid-80s. I’ll cheat the temperature into the 90s when it’s 88, but I don’t think I should if it’s 85. Oh, and I almost forgot. The computer in the shack was busted and needs fixing. And I don’t have my phone. My daughter’s broke at Villanova and mine was sent to her. The family thanked me for the sacrifice but I couldn’t be happier. I hate the phone. Having to talk to people . . . yeech.

Hear that? It’s a ringing bell. We hear it again. And then again. What does it mean? Dave knows. It’s time for a Grape Break!
Paul and the band break out into a jingle:
“Grape Break!
It’s time for Dave’s Grape Break!
Enjoy a fresh, delicious grape . . . .
Grape Break!”
Back to Dave. A green grape sits on his desk. That’s not the way it was supposed to work. The grape was supposed to slowly descend on a filament down to the desk. At that time, Dave would enjoy his Grape Break and eat it. During the grape’s descent, the grape fell off and dropped to the desk. If the grape were 100 pounds, it could have killed him. As I listen to the control room, I hear they are quickly checking all the cameras to see if we caught the grape’s drop. We had cameras on the grape but it didn’t show the fall. You couldn’t make it out.
We give it another shot.
Dave looks up to the rafters and calls for another grape. We see stagehand Tommy O’ with a toy fishing pole. He lowers the line with the green grape attached. Dave looks up with mouth agape for the grape. Tommy skillfully lowers the grape into the big wide opened mouth of the host. Dave bites on the grape and gestures to take up the line. Tommy does so at the bequest of stage manager Frank Comito who gets his instructions from Director Jerry Foley. Paul and the band break into the Grape Break theme.

Dave opens the Top Ten, which is sponsored tonight.

ALAN (announce): "Tonight's Top Ten list is sponsored by P-Mart, America's first discount Urine Store. Repel pests the natural way, with our great selection of predator urine! We've got genuine coyote urine, fox urine, bobcat urine, mountain lion urine, wolf urine and bear urine! Available in gel, spray and convenient granules! Visit thepeemart.com for all your predator urine needs. Remember: There is no 'P' in 'team.'
Back to you, duckface."

TOP TEN: SIGNS YOUR EYE SURGEON MAY NOT BE BOARD CERTIFIED Dave reads from the Top Ten FYI blue card: “Kentucky Senator and eye doctor, Rand Paul, is not certified by the American Board of Ophthalmology, but he is certified by a board that he created.”
How convenient. Imagine if he wasn’t rich or a politician. He would never be able to get away with that.

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR EYE SURGEON MAY NOT BE BOARD CERTIFIED
10. Tells you to open your eyes and say "Ahh"
9. Reeks of ether
8. Keeps calling you "Four Eyes"
7. Asks which image is better: him with or without a moustache
6. Says, "Be right back," then walks into a wall
5. Instead of eye chart, has you read a filthy limerick
4. Every couple minutes tells you to spit in a bowl
3. Promises if surgery fails, a new eye will grow in
2. Dilates your ears
1. You complain of dry eyes, he moistens them with his tongue

Dave calls for another Grape Break. The green grape lowers. Just as Dave is about to bite the bait, he notices a needle dangerously sticking out from under. A good half-inch is exposed. Dave feels someone is trying to kill him. First it was the falling grape, now the exposed needle. I don’t think stagehand Tommy O’Brien was trying to kill Dave. He’s not allowed. There’s a different Union for that.
Dave adjusts that needle and grape and then gropes with his mouth for the dangling grape. Have you ever done that, groping with your mouth for hanging grapes? Never mind.
Dave eventually gets the grape he desires.
For my record: Odd Dave – mouth-fishing for a grape.

ACT 3:
JAMES MCAVOY

He’s not Ewan MacGregor. James is best known for his X-Men work. He’s now appearing in the new film, “The Disappearance of Eleanor Rigby.”
James is from Scotland. I once spent 6 hours in Edinburgh, Scotland. I want to go back. Lovely country, lovely city. Denise and I plan to return once the college bills are paid off. Maybe we’ll just get a Foder’s video.
James is married and they have a wee one. He tells of his bachelor party, which the Scot refers to as a stag party. He and the boys played some soccer, drank beer, celebrated with champagne, and took a van cab up to the country to jump in a lake. The boys began to drink in the overloaded cab enroute. Along the way, their shenanigans were noticed by the local gendarme. The cabbie quickly tried to lose the sirens of the pursuing police. The boys were a bit frightened, afraid they would be charged with drinking in a vehicle and for acting disorderly. Turns out, the cabbie had his cab equipped with sirens as a joke. There were no police in pursuit. The cabbie was only playing a joke. When they arrived at the swimming hole, the cabbie instructed the boys to follow his lead. When they met up with the others from the other cabs, the cabbie ran off and the boys followed. Before the chase, the cabbie put on some Benny Hill sax music. Such fun. The cabbie received a nice tip for his troubling fun.

“The Disappearance of Eleanor Rigby” – it opens in New York and Los Angeles on September 12th; nationwide on the 19th.

Going into commercial, Paul and the band, led by Aaron Heick on sax, do the Benny Hill.

ACT 4:
CHRISTOPHER “MAD DOG” RUSSO

He’s got the “Mad Dog Sports Radio” on the Sirius XM and he now has “High Heat with Christopher Russo” on the MLB (major league baseball) Network. Dave gets right into it.

Pete Rose . . . why isn’t he in the Hall of Fame? He has more hits than anyone in the history of baseball but is banned from the Hall due to his proclivity to gambling on baseball. Dave feels the Hall of Fame isn’t necessary to legitimize Pete Rose’s greatness. His not being in the Hall diminishes the Hall more than it diminishes Pete Rose. Mad Dog believes it’s been long enough and he should have his day. Put him in the Hall of Fame already. Me . . . I like the fact that the hit-leader isn’t in the Hall of Fame due to gambling. Pete Rose being banned from the Hall of Fame has done more for baseball than any one of his hits. Gambling is the worst thing possible when it comes to sports. You may think it’s not bad that you bet on your team to win, but when you begin to suffer insurmountable gambling debts as so often happens, betting on your team to lose is just a step away. If the public feels a participant is fudging his performance for outside reasons, well, then the game turns into professional wrestling. It becomes a staged event where everything is questioned, at least in the mind of the fan . . . the paying fan.
So if the greatest hitter in the game receives a lifetime punishment for dabbling in gambling, then no player is safe from punishment. It’s the best example for players not to gamble.
And that’s a memo.
Russo did say that Ty Cobb bet on baseball in the 1920s. That’s the first I heard of that. I’ve heard many times that Ty Cobb wasn’t a nice guy, but never heard that he gambled.

Christopher “Mad Dog” Russo – Warren Zevon may have had him in mind when performing “Excitable Boy”.

Joining the Backstage Photo Club: audience coordinator Matt McClure.

ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: “Don’t miss tomorrow’s Late Show with Dave’s guests Mike Myers, comedian Bonnie McFarlane, and John Fullbright.
Does the ink they use to print expiration dates ever go bad?”

ACT 7:
THE LAST INTERNATIONALE
– from their new album, “We Will Reign,” the band from New York City making their network television debut performed “Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Indian Blood.”

And that was our show for Wednesday, August 27, 2014.

Where’s Anton been? Drummer Anton Fig hasn’t been in all week. He’s performing with the great Joe Bonamassa all week at Red Rocks in Colorado. On the skins for the CBS Orchestra: Shawn Pelton.

I’m a little late to this party . . . . when someone decides to follow me on the Twitter, am I obliged to follow them back? Is that the proper Twitter courtesy? If so, I’ve been remiss. I’m not up on the social media etiquette. I continue to be behind the times when it comes to this social media craze. In fact, I still use a typewriter at work. And I plan to write letters to my girls in college; you know, paper, pen, envelope, stamp, mailbox. It’ll astound their friends. I’ll slip in a twenty with the letter just to make sure they make the effort to go the mailbox. It’ll require walking. I know . . . . that’s crazy, right? Hopefully they’ll know how to open an envelope.

Speaking of college . . . . my daughter phoned home with the expected “home sick” plaint. Denise talked to Danielle for a good half hour explaining how the feeling is normal and only temporary. Denise was making some headway to ease Danielle’s blues but it took a long time. And then near the end of the half-hour phone call, I overheard Danielle say, “I even miss daddy.” Denise then realized how serious this was.

Yesterday, I thanked everyone who “liked” and “commented” on my Facebook photo on the beach. The number of responses impressed my daughters. That’s not too easy to do. I think they look at me a little different now, and I thank you.
One problem I have about the comments, though. No one wrote, “Stunning!” Aren’t you supposed to comment “stunning” whenever someone posts a photo of themselves? It’s one of the things I like to do on the Facebook: look at a new Facebook photo post . . . see how long it takes for someone to respond, “Stunning.”
So far, I have no stunnings.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Hornell, New York, SUNY Cortland grad and one-time world record holder for crawling on his knees, it’s birthday boy Mike Sciotti.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike

Tonight's Guests

Mike Myers
Bonnie McFarlane
John Fullbright

Wahoo Gazette Archive

Wednesday, August 27
Time for a Grape Break!
Tuesday, August 26
Is this the "Late Show" or "Jailhouse Rock"?
Monday, August 25
Flying dogs take over 53rd Street for the Purina Pro Plan Incredible Dog Challenge.
Tuesday, August 19
Dave welcomes #1 ranked tennis star Novak Djokovic.
Monday, August 18
Funny people: 2 out of 4 ain't bad.