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Wednesday, March 25, 2015 Dave's true story is a joke.
Show #4181
James Franco, Jake Johannsen, and Action Bronson.  
PLUS: Lindsey Graham, a man with a plan; Canada’s Ted Cruz; Great Moments In Presidential Campaign Speeches; Half-Miracles of Pope Francis; a Top Ten list; and Dave wants to get rid of the kid.
 
“From a restaurant supply store on the Bowery, it’s the Late Show with David Letterman.  Tonight: James Franco, comedian Jake Johannsen, and music from Action Bronson.  Plus: Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra.  I’m Alan Kalter.  And now, the pugilist with a honey of a haymaker . . . . . . . . . . . David Letterman!”
 
ACT 1:
MONOLOGUE
-“It’s tax time.   I don’t trust my accountant.   I’m always brought to his office blindfolded.”
-“Mitt Romney will fight Evander Holyfield for charity.    Experts believe he’ll last as many rounds as Villanova” --- Hey!  What the . . . .?!   Even the audience lets out a “Whoooooooaaaa!”
 
Republican Senator Lindsey Graham has hinted that he will soon announce his candidacy for President.    We thought we’d give you a preview of his campaign platform in a segment called, “Lindsey Graham: Man With A Plan.”
ART CARD - LINDSEY GRAHAM: MAN WITH A PLAN
We see the United States Senator Lindsey Graham of South Carolina: “What is the environmental platform of the Republican Party? . . . .  . I don’t know.”
ART CARD - LINDSEY GRAHAM: MAN WITH A PLAN
 
Dave was about to tell a joke about fictional presidents portrayed in film and asked Paul who was his favorite.  I “Played the Paul” and said “Harrison Ford.”   Paul thinks a minute and says, “Harrison Ford” --- DING!
 
Did you know Republican presidential hopeful Ted Cruz was born in Canada?  Canada put out this statement.
ANNOUNCE: “American voters should be aware that while presidential candidate Ted Cruz was in fact born in Canada, he has renounced his Canadian citizenship.”
Quick cut to a photo of Justin Bieber.
ANNOUNCE: “One down, one to go.
Canada ---- Your Friendly Neighbor To The North”
 
Time now for “Great Moments in Presidential Campaign Speeches”
ART CARD: GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN SPEECHES
-We see Ronald Reagan: “They are the kind of men and women Thomas Paine had in mind when he wrote, ‘We have it in our power to begin the world again’”
-We see Bill Clinton: “As the Scriptures says, our eyes have not yet seen, nor our ears heard, nor our minds imagined what we can build”
- We see Ted Cruz: “Let me quote the movie, ‘Jerry Maguire’. . . . . “
ART CARD: GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN SPEECHES
 
Some are saying that Pope Francis recently performed a half-miracle after a vial of dried blood liquefied when he kissed a glass.    This isn’t the first time Pope Francis has performed a half-miracle.  We take a look.
ART CARD: THE HALF-MIRACLES OF POPE FRANCIS
ANNOUNCE: “February 11th, in the year of our Lord, 2014, after a long day greeting faithful followers, Pope Francis turns sour cream and Lipton Soup Mix into delicious onion dip.
This has been ‘The Half-Miracles of Pope Francis.’”
ART CARD: THE HALF-MIRACLES OF POPE FRANCIS
 
ACT 2:
Before getting to the Top Ten, Dave has a story.    Dave and Paul attended a gala at Lincoln Center the other night.   They were to perform something and were asked to show up for a rehearsal.    Dave’s credo has always been, “Rehearsal: It’s the key to a successful show.”   So they went to the rehearsal and backstage was all hustle and bustle.     Big time music producer Lou Adler has hurrying here and there and everywhere, and Paul made some talk with him.  Dave was familiar with Adler, who was producing the evening’s program, and joined in on the conversation.    As Dave and Paul were waiting for their turn to rehearse, a 10-year-old named Justin was on stage playing the piano.   Dave was expecting something like Chopsticks for the lad.  Instead, the youngster was a virtuoso.   He performed a concerto on the piano that he elevated to perfection.   Dave and Paul could only stare in disbelief.   They both thought the same . .  what any performer would think . . .  “Holy crap, we have to follow that kid tonight!”    Dave shared his concern with Lou Adler, adding in conclusion as a joke, “Get rid of the kid.”    As Dave and Paul prepared for their rehearsal, what does Dave see on stage but Lou Adler talking to the 10-year-old boy.    Lou Adler was explaining to the young prodigy that he wouldn’t . . . . couldn’t go on that evening.   A shocked Dave sprinted on stage to explain he was just kidding.  It was a joke . . . it was intended to be a joke . . . it was never to be taken seriously.   Dave then imagines the conversation Lou Adler was having with the kid at the piano on stage.
Close call.
 
TOP TEN: LITTLE KNOWN FACTS ABOUT TED CRUZ
10.  Was never elected to Congress; just started showing up
9. Loves his home country, and America
8. Not Mormon, but still wears special underpants
7. Vows to stay in the race until offered a spot on “Dancing With The Stars”
6. Filibusters in his sleep
5. “Ted” is short for “Tedium”
4. Uses teeth-whitening strips and hair-blackening strips
3. Already planning 2020 failed presidential bid
2. His wife affectionately refers to him as “Ted Cruz” – vt of his wife referring to him as “Ted Cruz”
1. Has just as good a chance of winning the Democratic Party’s nomination
 
ACT 3:
JAMES FRANCO
This is James’ 10th visit to the Late Show, and James says he will always remember the Late Show because it was the first real talk show he ever did.   I was curious what I wrote about his first visit.  I laughed when I read this:
From February 03, 2008:
James Franco - “From the film, ‘Pineapple Express.’   This is James’ first time here and only his 2nd time on a talk show.   The other show he’s done?  The Tony Danza Show”
 
Ow!   I hope Tony Danza doesn’t hear about this!
Dave wants to know about the all the hubbub surrounding James and Seth Rogen and “The Interview” movie about them trying to knock off Kim Jong Un.    James is still a bit baffled how a comedy could have gotten all that attention . . . especially that kind of attention.   But then there was the SONY hacking scandal that ensued, and executives getting exposed, and the threat of violence at movie theaters . . . it turned into something that never was supposed to be.   James says he started to realize how big it was when he and Seth were offered security guards for their protection.   What he doesn’t understand is that the whole world knows what’s going on in North Korea, but somehow a silly comedy movie brings it out to the forefront and it’s the movie that is wrong?
 
In the meantime, James held an art showing at London’s Siegfried Contemporary titled, “Fat Squirrel.”   It’s a collection of Franco’s paintings of obese animated animals.  You can pretty much do and say anything if you animate it.  Look at “Family Guy” and “South Park.”   We take a look at James’ painting renditions “Fat Stallion,” “Fat Squirrel,” and “Fat Seal.”  
Someday I’ll show you my collection of news articles about fat people.  I always thought these photos and articles would be more effective than your typical diet books and magazines of lovelies in bikinis and speedos. 
 
James’ new film, “True Story” is about Michael Finkle, a reporter for The New York Times Magazine, who was caught stretching the truth.  Now out of a job and a career careening, he (Jonah Hill) finds himself lost and without direction.  Meanwhile, another guy, James Franco, goes out and murders his own family.   On the run, he takes the name and identity of . . . . . Michael Finkle.   The killer will talk to no one, except the real Michael Finkle.
“True Story” – it opens April 17th in select cities.
 
 
ACT 5:
ANNOUNCE: “We’ll see you tomorrow when Dave welcomes Kevin Bacon, Jimmie Walker, and The Airborne Toxic Event.”
LIVE shot of Alan.
ALAN: “I saw an interesting commercial recently.   I remember it clearly . . . . . .  (Alan rubs chin; gliss / fade into commercial.)
 
ACT 6:
JAKE JOHANNSEN
He made his comedic standup debut with Dave and Late Night back in 1987 and tonight he is making his 46th appearance with us.   His new comedy special, “Pictures Of My Dinner” is available on www.jakethis.com
And you can see him at the Punch Line in San Francisco on April 2nd through the 4th.  Tonight, Jake talked about wife-swapping.  It doesn’t really make sense.  Why do it?  All you get is another wife.   But he already has a wife.   But he doesn’t have a boat.   Now, a boat for a wife . . . just for the summer, mind you . . . could make sense.   There’s nothing quite like a guy with a boat in the summer.
 
Jake Johannsen . . . always liked him.   I wonder how many times I’ve seen him.
 
And then came Bronson
 
ACT 7:
ACTION BRONSON
From his new CD, “Mr. Wonderful,” the rapper from Queens, New York, along with special guest Chance the Rapper, performed “Baby Blue.”
 
And that was our show for Wednesday, March 25, 2015
 
 
Never heard of Action before tonight.  And then the next day I see him in the newspaper getting into an altercation at a performance.   I’m surprised.   I picture Action Bronson as a gentle soul.
 
Last week during a long crawl for the closing credits at the end of the show, many in the audience got up to leave while the band played.   It felt like I was at a Dodger game.
Where did these people have to go?  They couldn’t sit for two more minutes to listen to some great musicians?  Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go, gotta go.  I imagine they’re the same people who have their heads buried in their 2-inch iPhone screen while walking through Times Square.  Or they take a photo of the Statue of Liberty and then wants everyone to look at the photo when the real Statue of Liberty is right there.
 
And now, for the very last time:
Thursday and Friday’s Previously-Viewed Programs:
THURSDAY: From 3/13/15 #4175 – Kevin Bacon, Jimmie Walker, and The Airborne Toxic Event.  Plus, a visit with Rupert.
FRIDAY: From 3/18/15 #4178 – Norm Macdonald; and Theo James.  Plus: Steve Young’s March Madness Preview
 
Why, Zayn Malik, why?!
 
CAMEO MENTION OF AN AFL NEWSGROUP ORIGINAL
Annette and Donz
This concludes the debut of a Cameo Mention of an AFL Original.
 
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
A Danbury High School Mad Hatter, it’s Donna Bouton Mayle
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
 
Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Twitter: @WahooMike
 

Wahoo Gazette Archive

Wednesday, March 25
Dave's true story is a joke.
Tuesday, March 24
Intern Todd and Dave admire a gift from Kankakee, Illinois.
Monday, March 23
It's the Human Cannonball (but what's the deal with those guys?)
Wednesday, March 18
Norm Macdonald takes Dave's camera for a spin.
Tuesday, March 17
Will Ferrell's performance of "Danny Boy" brings Dave to tears.