Read an excerpt from "Carry On, Warrior: Thoughts on Life Unarmed" by Glennon Doyle Melton.
Don't Carpe Diem
Every time I'm out with my kids, this seems to happen:
An older woman stops us, puts her hand over her heart and says something like, "Oh— Enjoy every moment. This time goes by so fast." Everywhere I go, someone is telling me to seize the moment, raise my awareness, be happy, enjoy every second, etc., etc., etc.
I know that this advice comes from a good place and is offered with the very best of intentions. But I have finally allowed myself to admit that it just doesn't work for me. It bugs me. This CARPE DIEM message makes me paranoid and panicky. Especially during this phase of my life while I'm raising young kids. Being told, in a million different ways, to CARPE DIEM makes me worry that if I'm not in a constant state of profound gratitude and ecstasy, I'm doing something wrong.
I think parenting young children (and old ones too, I've heard) is a little like climbing Mount Everest. Brave, adventurous souls try it because they've heard there's magic in the climb. They try because they believe that finishing, or even attempting the climb, is an impressive accomplishment. They try because during the climb, if they allow themselves to pause and lift their eyes and minds from the pain and drudgery, the views are breathtaking. They try because even though it hurts and it's hard, there are moments that make it worth the hard. These moments are so intense and unique that many people who reach the top start planning, almost immediately, to climb again. Even though any climber will tell you that most of the climb is treacherous, exhausting, killer. That they cried most of the way up.
And so I think that if there were people stationed, say, every thirty feet along Mount Everest yelling to the climbers, "ARE YOU ENJOYING YOURSELF!? IF NOT, YOU SHOULD BE! ONE DAY YOU'LL BE SORRY YOU DIDN'T ! TRUST US!! IT'LL BE OVER TOO SOON! CARPE DIEM!" those well-meaning, nostalgic cheerleaders might be physically thrown from the mountain.
Now I'm not suggesting that the sweet old ladies who tell me to ENJOY MYSELF be thrown from a mountain. They are wonderful ladies, clearly. But last week, a woman approached me in the Target line and said the following: "Sugar, I hope you are enjoying this. I loved every single second of parenting my two girls. Every single moment. These days go by so fast." At that particular point in time, Amma was wearing a bra she had swiped from the cart and sucking a lollipop she undoubtedly found on the ground. She also had three shoplifted clip-on neon feathers stuck in her hair. She looked exactly like a contestant from Toddlers and Tiaras. A losing contestant. I couldn't find Chase anywhere, and Tish was sucking the pen on the credit card machine WHILE the woman in front of me was trying to use it. And so I just looked at the woman, smiled, and said, "Thank you. Yes. Me too. I am enjoying every single moment. Especially this one. Yes. Thank you."
That's not exactly what I wanted to say, though.
When Dorothy Parker was asked if she loved writing, she replied, "No. But I love having written." What I wanted to say to this sweet woman was, "Are you sure? Are you sure you don't mean you love having parented ?"
I love having written. And I love having parented. My favorite part of each day is when the kids are put to bed and Craig and I sink into the couch to watch some quality TV, like Wife Swap, and congratulate each other on a job well done. Or a job done, at least.
Every time I write something like this, readers suggest that I'm being negative. I have received this particular message four or five times: G, if you can't handle the three you have, why do you want a fourth? That one always stings, and I don't think it's quite fair. Parenting is hard. Just like lots of important jobs are hard. Why is it that the second a mother admits that it's hard, people feel the need to suggest that maybe she's not doing it right? Or that she certainly shouldn't add more to her load. Maybe the fact that it's so hard means she IS doing it right, in her own way, and she happens to be honest.
Craig is a software salesman. It's a hard job in this economy. He comes home each day and talks a little bit about how hard it is. But I don't ever feel the need to suggest that he's not doing it right, or that he's negative for noticing that it's hard, or that maybe he shouldn't even consider taking on more responsibility. And I doubt his colleagues come by his office to make sure he's ENJOYING HIMSELF. I'm pretty sure his boss doesn't peek in his office and say: "This career stuff, it goes by so fast. ARE YOU ENJOYING EVERY MOMENT IN THERE, CRAIG???? THE FISCAL YEAR FLIES BY!! CARPE DIEM, CRAIG!"
My point is this: I used to worry that not only was I failing to do a good enough job at parenting, but that I wasn't enjoying it enough. Double failure. I felt guilty because I wasn't in parental ecstasy every hour of every day and I wasn't MAKING THE MOST OF EVERY MOMENT like the mamas in the parenting magazines seemed to be doing. I felt guilty because honestly, I was tired and cranky and ready for the day to be over quite often. And because I knew that one day, I'd wake up and the kids would be gone, and I'd be the old lady in the grocery store with my hand over my heart. Would I be able to say I enjoyed every moment? No.
But the fact remains that I will be that nostalgic lady. I just hope to be one with a clear memory. And here's what I hope to say to the younger mama gritting her teeth in line:
"It's helluva hard, isn't it? You're a good mom, I can tell. And I like your kids, especially that one peeing in the corner. She's my favorite. Carry on, warrior. Six hours 'til bedtime."
And hopefully, every once in a while, I'll add, "Let me pick up that grocery bill for ya, sister. Go put those kids in the van and pull on up. I'll have them bring your groceries out."
Clearly, Carpe Diem doesn't work for me. I can't even carpe fifteen minutes in a row, so a whole diem is out of the question.
Here's what does work for me:
There are two different types of time. Chronos time is what we live in. It's regular time. It's one minute at a time, staring down the clock until bedtime time. It's ten excruciating minutes in the Target line time, four screaming minutes in time-out time, two hours until Daddy gets home time. Chronos is the hard, slow-passing time we parents often live in.
Then there's Kairos time. Kairos is God's time. It's time outside of time. It's metaphysical time. Kairos is those magical moments in which time stands still. I have a few of those moments each day, and I cherish them.
Like when I actually stop what I'm doing and really look at Tish. I notice how perfectly smooth and brownish her skin is. I notice the curves of her teeny elf mouth and her almond brown eyes, and I breathe in her soft Tishy smell. In these moments, I see that her mouth is moving, but I can't hear her because all I can think is: This is the first time I've really seen Tish all day, and my God—she is so beautiful. Kairos.
Or when I'm stuck in Chronos time in the grocery line and I'm haggard and angry at the slow checkout clerk. But then I look at my cart and I'm transported out of Chronos. I notice the piles of healthy food I'll feed my children to grow their bodies and minds, and I remember that most of the world's mamas would kill for this opportunity. This chance to stand in a grocery line with enough money to pay. And I just stare at my cart. At the abundance. The bounty. Thank you, God. Kairos.
Or when I curl up in my cozy bed with my dog, Theo, asleep at my feet and Craig asleep by my side, and I listen to both of them breathing. And for a moment I think, How did a girl like me get so lucky? To go to bed each night surrounded by this breath, this love, this peace, this warmth? Kairos.
These Kairos moments leave as fast as they come, but I mark them. I say the word Kairos in my head each time I leave Chronos. And at the end of the day, I don't remember exactly what my Kairos moments were, but I remember I had them. That makes the pain of the daily parenting climb worth it.
If I had a couple Kairos moments, I call the day a success.
Carpe a couple of Kairoses a day.
Good enough for me.