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Redo You: Deal with Competitive Friends
What's the best way to deal with competitive friends? Dr. Michelle Callahan has the tips you need to know!
Dr. Callahan says,
Diversify your circle of friends.
You need to establish non-competitive friendships. Not everyone is like this, so it’s important to make friends who are competitive yet supportive. I think of it like “birds of a feather, flock together.” It can go both ways. You need to establish relationships with people who are in a similar place in life so they don’t feel the need to compete, but who you can also relate to. It’s important to have friends with different backgrounds, beliefs and perspectives to help you be a more rounded and grounded person.
Avoid trigger situations
To keep a healthy friendship intact, you know you shouldn’t play the game. Competing with your own friends will only create problems. Don’t go for information that can start a competition or create jealousy like how much you weigh, what size you wear, how much you paid for your house, your husband’s salary. You need to be conscious of these triggers and if you are about to hit one, move on and change the subject. If shopping or working out with a certain friend doesn’t work for your friendship, just find another activity for the future.
Share, don’t brag. Find another way to talk about things exciting that are happening in your life. Make them feel inclusive, not alienated.
Give non-defensive feedback
It’s important to communicate with your best friend one-on-one and give them non-defensive feedback. Non-defensive feedback is making a point to reassure your friend that she has great qualities and that’s why you love her. Be sure to share how much you value their friendship. By listing her great qualities, you will help her be more open-minded when you discuss her actions that are hurting you.
Remember, when you are going into this discussion, you need to be accountable for your actions to make this work. If you are participating in unhealthy competition, you need to be willing to apologize as well. It’s all about honesty, not throwing daggers. Be open and clear – and do not harbor bad feelings. It is important to see your friend as an ally rather than an enemy to be conquered and outdone.
Know yourself
You need to find the source and know yourself. Understanding that you're dealing with jealousy, competitive natures and low self-esteem can help you change yourself and your life. And in some cases, being the competitive friend isn’t a bad thing. If you are smart enough to know that you are competitive, you need to figure out where it is coming from. Take this as an opportunity to find out how you can get the life you want. If there are qualities that you like about your friend, don’t envy them, embrace and learn the qualities that your friend embodies so you can work to bring them into your own life. All can enjoy together if you take the competition out of it. If she’s a great cook, she can teach you how to make amazing dishes. It can ultimately be a great bonding experience instead of a resentful competitive one.
Manage your emotions
When things get tense, it’s hard to balance and see things clearly when you are hurting. You need to decide if you want to win or be friends. You must watch your words and be mindful of how you say things. Be empathetic and be sensitive to your friends’ needs. If you are constantly upset and emotionally distraught, you need to lighten up and have more fun. You have to decide if it is worth losing this friendship because you are too competitive.
Don’t dim your light
A good friend should provide support not stress. If you have to shrink back from being amazing to make your friend feel better… you need new friends. Don’t dim your light. Women tend to minimize themselves and not show off the great things they have accomplished because they are too concerned with offending their friends. Being someone's friend shouldn't come at the cost of sacrificing your own success and happiness but some women think they have to. Women feel like they need to be friends for life and they feel bad when they have outgrown the friendship. Ending a friendship is not a failure. It is moving forward and making decisions that are right for you to lead a healthy life.
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