It's been a long year. What's that, it's only May? Right you are my astute compatriots, but when you work in the employ of Mr. Russell Dunbar you often view things in a different light. You see, Mr. Dunbar is a typical nose-to-the-grind, 4-hour workday man during the winter months, but when summer roles around, and, coincidentally, women strut inappropriately sized dresses down 5th Avenue, Mr. Dunbar is scarcely seen in the confines of any building that employs a dress code, except to brag about his exploits. Now, early in my tenure these brazen tales would often make me question if I did, in fact, need this job to pay my rent, but as I've grown older, I've grown wiser and, most importantly, I've made a game of the whole ordeal. Allow me to introduce you to Russell Dunbar Boink-o:

Everyone has one or two things they dislike about their job, unless, of course, you're me, in which case the days of only having one or two aversions are so far in the rear-view mirror that they hardly appear any closer than they actually are. And while Mike Rowe knows "Dirty Jobs" I doubt he has ever had to engage in these far less heralded tasks:

Despite informing him of the contrary at least a dozen times, my boss seems to have overlooked the fact that I have been an American citizen for almost twice as long as the Jonas Brothers have been rocking the hearts of teenage girls--and Mr. Rhodes. And in those many years, I have learned that America is an always changing country full of brilliant new ideas and beauty, quite unlike Mr. Dunbar's haircut. Here are a few of my favorite examples:

Life is a journey, and if your life is anything like mine, that journey is sprinkled with regrets. But while you may long to hop in the Delorean and go back in time for a do-over, you must remember that your past helped shape who you are today. However, I have learned a great many things about bad decisions during my tenure as Mr. Dunbar manservant--a regret to trump all regrets, mind you--so I offer a few tips to avoid your next Waterloo.

I consider myself many things: a scholar, a passionate lover, a dutiful assistant--even when such duties include informing a rather long list of women that they should take a trip to the free clinic--but I am also an environmentalist. I believe we must protect this world we live in for it is gentle, innocent and easily taken advantage of--coincidentally the three qualities Mr. Dunbar looks for in a woman. So, in the spirit of being "green," here are a few helpful hints to change your daily routines, even just a little, to preserve Mother Earth and make this world a better place where our children and our children's children can be hit on by the disgusting offspring that Mr. Dunbar will assuredly produce the 0.1 percent of the time the condom fails.