cabinet

<img src="title.jpg" /> <center>Click [[here->congrats]] to begin</center>

<img src="stephen1.png" /> <center> You are Stephen Colbert. [[office<-Congratulations!]]</center>

You are wandering the [[office2<-office]] because your show doesn't start for two months and they won't let you drive go-karts inside anymore.

You enter the cabinet. It's the size of one man — or in the Metric system: one bloke. But with some minor effort, you fit perfectly inside. Well done! Now that you're inside you can [[try to leave->leave]] or [[stand here for 8 hours->stand]].

There's nothing else remarkable in the [[office->office2b]], just the usual trappings: Dried-up Sharpie® markers, framed photos of you — TV's Stephen Colbert — and a bulletin board featuring a sprawling [[todo<-to-do list]].

TO-DO LIST ~ (set: $myVar to "Learn to Use To-Do List")<tw-link class='cyclingLink' data-cycling-texts='["Learn to Use To-Do List", "Reconcile Quantum Theory with Relativity", "Buy More Subtle Highlighters", "Crank Out Another Bestseller (Speedboat Is Making Weird Noise)", "Continue Sustaining Illusion of Crop Circles", "Save Cheerleader, World", "See Entourage Movie Again", "Work in Lab Late One Night, Use Eyes To Behold Eerie Sight", "Do the Mash", "Do the Monster Mash", "Steal Christmas", "Find Out What Time TV Show On", "Hire Body Double(s)", "Create Sand Mandala", "Destroy Sand Mandala", "Create Sand Mandala", "Personally Rewire New Theater"]' onclick='clickCyclingLink(this, "$myVar");'>$myVar</tw-link> ~ I'm feeling kind of [[whatelse<-tasked out]]

Oh hey, it's locked. You can: [[yell<-Yell for help]], [[Try to break down the door->break]], or [[stand<-Just sit right here, thank you very much]].

Wow this is great. It’s been *8* hours but it barely feels like *4* hours. Time flies when you're having fun. But all good things must come to an end. You should probably [[try to leave->leave]]. [[No thanks, I'm good right here.->stand2]]

Wow, this is great! It’s been *16* hours but it barely feels like *8* hours. Time flies when you're having fun. But all good things must come to an end. You could [[leave<-try to leave]], or [[stand3<-stand here for another 8 hours]].

*You died.* Dehydration, hunger and [[cabfever<-Cabinet Fever]] claim even the greatest of men. Man-sized cabinets are fun, but you chased that high too hard. Let this be a lesson to your dead body. [[cabinet2<-Duly noted]]

FAMOUS VICTIMS OF CABINET FEVER ~ (set: $myVar to "Rutherford B. Hayes")<tw-link class='cyclingLink' data-cycling-texts='["Rutherford B. Hayes", "Unnamed 1870s Woman Who Married A Grandfather Clock and Climbed Inside", "Earl of Sandwich, in Human-Sized Baguette", "Bashar al-Assad (2016)", "Cupboard Indian", "Kitchen Contractor", "What Looks Like A Centipede, on the Good China", "Misplaced Yogurt", "Old College T-Shirts", "Every Secretary of Health and Human Services Since 1947", "Ghost Currently Haunting Cabinet"]' onclick='clickCyclingLink(this, "$myVar");'>$myVar</tw-link> ~ [[cabinet2<-I get it]], nothing is worth this

Unfortunately for you it's National Ignore Your Boss's Cries For Help Day. [[holiday<-Another corporate holiday]] invented to sell greeting cards and earplugs. Thanks a lot, Hallmark. You can [[break<-try to break down the door now]] or [[stand<-Just grin it out]].

“Shut up, door, you idiot,” you yell as you [[break2<-bang your fists]] into the metal cabinetry.

ANOTHER CORPORATE HOLIDAY ~ (set: $myVar to "Canadian Earth Day")<tw-link class='cyclingLink' data-cycling-texts='["Canadian Earth Day", "Farmerfest", "Bring Your Work Home With You Day", "Shrektoberthon", "Sister's Day? Is That A Thing?", "Gentlemen's Extravaganza", "The Gloaming", "Chaka Khannukah", "No-Pants November", "Drive Backwards Day", "Your 50th Anniversary", "Feast of St. Hyundai", "Hey Day", "God's Birthday", "Pokémonth", "Purge Eve", "Lobstermas", "Toyotathanzaa", "Yom Trademark"]' onclick='clickCyclingLink(this, "$myVar");'>$myVar</tw-link> ~ This has taught me to [[appreciate Mondays->yell]]

“I hate you!” You kick the door repeatedly and even [[break3<-bite it once]].

“You aren't the boss of me!” you do a double dropkick into the unyielding door and fall backwards. Wait. This cabinet is supposed to be man-sized. How is there so much room back here? You can either [[cry<-keep crying and attacking the door]] or [[forth<-go further back into the cabinet]].

You [[cry2<-punch the door]] yelling, “Do you know who I am!?” It stays locked. [[Give up on sulking->forth]]

<img src="verdant.png" /> You don't remember the cabinet being this deep. Or [[verdant->forth2]].

You [[cry3<-head butt the door]] so violently you black out for a second. Or do you? It's very dark in here. Anyway, the door doesn't budge. [[Give up and check out the mysterious beckoning hole in this cabinet->forth]].

You throw all of your weight against the cabinet door, succeeding only in toppling it over. The cabinet door is now flush against the floor, held in place by the weight of your body. There is no choice anymore, [[forth<-explore the cabinet]]

You tip-toe past the [[centaur->centaur]], who was also snoozing at the exact edge of the forest. A lovingly crafted [[centaur->centaur]], full of important content that you missed. It's almost as if talking to the [[centaur->centaur]] is a huge part of the game. [[Defiantly continue->defiant]]

This fantasy non-Narnia-copyright-infringing adventure was brought to you by Mountain Dew Code Centaur™: Awaken the Centaur™. After you finish enjoying a refreshing 97 oz. Mountain Dew Code Centaur™ you can [[sneak<-sneak past the centaur]] or [[literal<-literally awaken the centaur]].

The centaur awakens with a start. “Hey! No matter what I said in my sleep, I definitely wasn't dreaming about a lady with a horse top and a person bottom! Whoa, are you Stephen Colbert?” [[Yes->yes]]

Way to go, rebel! You're a real independent thinker, the kind of person who lives out loud. So loud, in fact, that [[literal<-you woke up the centaur.]]

Lucky for you, the centaur's still sleeping. You need 50% more rest when you have 50% more limbs and the majority of them are powerful hooved legs. Will you [[awaken the centaur (euphemism)->euphemism]], [[awaken the centaur (literal)->literal]], or [[test fate and sneak past the centaur again->defiant]]?

“That's awesome. Hey, how's the new show going to work without the character? Anyway my name's Randall the centaur and I'm supposed to guard the entrance to this world. How did you get here?” [[savior<-“I'm here to save this land from evil.”]] [[goofus<-“I got locked in a cabinet.”]]

Randall is taken aback. “Then you already know that Merlock, the evil wizard, has cast a pall over this land. He wants to stifle the sound of laughter from the universe and spread suffering for some reason. No one gets it. He lives in a castle of skulls on the other end of the game map. You must go, brave late-night host, and defeat him. Only then can you return to your world. Take this to aid you in your quest.” He gives you a [[candle->candle]]. “It never goes out. It's basically magic.”

"Seriously?" [[Yes.->goofus2]]

Randall sniffs the air. "You have to go now, some important centaur business has come up." [["Later Randall! Have a good summer."->ice]]

“Ok, well, you shouldn’t tell people that. You only get one chance at a first impression. Look: your visit to this land was ill-timed. Merlock, the evil wizard, has cast a pall over this land. He wants to stifle the sound of laughter from the universe and spread suffering for some reason. No one gets it. He lives in a castle of skulls on the other end of the game map. You must go, brave late-night host, and defeat him. Only then can you return to your world. Take this to aid you in your quest.” He gives you a [[candle->candle]]. “It never goes out. It's basically magic.”

<img src="iceworld.png" /> Now you're in an [[ice2<-Ice Kingdom-type environment]]. That was quick.

Wow, this is cozy, and somehow familiar. Something glints in the darkness, like a helpful key or valuable gemstone. Do you [[cavegrab<-pick up the item]], [[ice<-exit the cave]], or [[stand4<-stand there for 8 hours]]?

This is great! You set goals for yourself, you pursued them, and you attained them. You're Stephen Colbert, and nothing can stand in your way. Suddenly, [[something stands in your way->beast]].

Hey, it's a key! That's pretty straightforward. Suddenly feels like this cave is pretty cashed out. Do you [[keyexit<-exit the cave]] or [[stand4<-stand there for another 8 hours]]?

Boy, this never gets old. But you're running low on supplies, to the extent you ever had supplies. Do you [[cavegrab<-pick up the item]], [[ice<-exit the cave]], or [[stand5<-stand there for another 8 hours]]?

*You die, obviously.* You can [[learn an important lesson->ice]] or [[see the error of your ways->ice]].

The snowstorm has died down a little. Thank goodness they have global warming here, too! You could probably [[castle<-approach the ominous castle]] now.

Are you kidding?! The storm is way too bad right now. You've made a very reckless decision for such a famous person. You should [[ice2<-go back and find somewhere to wait this out]], your staff is depending on you to survive this.

<img src="monster.png" /> A [[lumbering beast->beast2]] leaps from its hiding place in a snowbank. It's twelve feet tall, with a bear trap for a head.

Did you not hear me before when I said this thing's head was a bear trap? It severs your arm and you slowly bleed to death in the snow. Hey, remember when this was a game about a talk-show host locked in a cabinet? [[Reconsider some decisions->castle]]

“As sentient beings, we have a moral imperative—” the beast cuts you off by lobbing you into the air like a softball and hitting you with a tree. You're so dead that we've blocked your IP address and you’re not allowed to play anymore. [[castle<-Please?]]

“Pain don't hurt, and I ain't got time to bleed. I'm here to kick ass and chew bubblegum, and I'm all out of bubblegum. Luke, I am your father, so show me the money.” They don't have movies here, so the monster has never heard this kind of unhinged bravado before. He flees, squealing. From his pouch (he was a wearing a pouch) tumbles a [[dagger<-crystal dagger]].

It's so fancy! Definitely the type of dagger you'd use at a wedding or state dinner. You [[getdagger<-pick it up]], because, c'mon.

If you're not ready to [[approach<-approach the castle]] now, you never will be. Commit to something for once!

<img src="castle.png" /> As the castle comes into focus, you see that it's [[skeptic<-entirely constructed of frosted-over human skulls]]. Wicked.

Okay, fine, there's some mortar and rebar in there, but that's just to get it up to code. How often do you see a [[castle->castle2]] that's *even partially* made of skulls?

It has no effect. Ever have the lock freeze on your car door and try to thaw it with a cigarette lighter? Does that work in real life? Write in and let us know. [[trykey<-Try the key.]] [[tryblade<-Try the dagger.]]

I feel like you're not paying attention. The keyhole is still blocked with frozen water — or as scientists call it — ice. [[Try something different->castle2]]

You chip away at the ice with the crystal dagger, successfully unblocking the keyhole. It just goes to show you that most problems can be solved using brute force. [[goodkey<-Try the key.]] [[turnback<-Turn back for no reason.]]

*You die, obviously.* You could [[do some serious soul-searching->getdagger]], [[get a freaking grip->getdagger]], or [[buckle up and take control of your life->getdagger]].

<img src="wizard.png" /> The massive castle door swings open into an [[throne2<-ornate room]].

It's weird that his castle is mostly skulls but his chair is all gold. This place is like one of those flyers that uses too many fonts. Wait! Maybe he's just muddling his aesthetic to distract you! [[FOCUS, Colbert->merlock]]!

“Ah, Stephen Colbert. At long last, the prodigal son returns. I've been waiting for you. It's funny. We're not so different you and I. You know the world needs men like us. ([[stab<-stab him]]) Someone who makes the difficult decisions and maintains order (he's distracted, [[stab him->stab]]!). In truth I'm a man of peace. (quick, [[stab that guy->stab]]!). You know in some ways I envy you, but it is a wise man who ([[stab him stab him stab him stab him staaaab hiiiiim->stab]])...

The exit is blocked by a massive castle door that looks suspiciously like a giant, fevered caricature of your office cabinet door. Maybe you should [[merlock<-see this through]].

You stab him with your dagger. He screams “Aw, dag!” and now you know why they call it a dagger! “Why did you do that? I was just explaining how I was going to use my magic to bring peace and prosperity to all peoples of this land. Did you just come here to kill me because the first person you met here told you to? What's wrong with you!? If you stepped off a plane in a new city and someone told you to murder the mayor would you just do it?” No mercy! [[Set him on fire->setfire]] [[Make a peace offering->setfire]] by tossing him your candle

You [[throw your candle->setfire2]] at Merlock.

The blinding light surrounds you, and your eyes struggle to focus. A blurry shape emerges — another mythical creature? No, it's a paramedic prying you free from the man-sized cabinet. “You were never actually in a fantastical wonderland,” he says, taking you up in his burly arms. “Of course, I do have the same face as the centaur. But don't worry about it!” That fairy-tale adventure must have just been hallucinations from your Cabinet Fever. Or was it? [[pockets<-Check your pockets]] [[end<-Yes, it was Cabinet Fever. I'm done playing now.]]

Haha, nice. 10,000 more points. [[Enter portal->portal]]

You check your pockets and feel something sharp. The crystal dagger? No, wait, just a pen. Yes, this was all Cabinet Fever. You were correct the first time. [[I'm done playing now.->end]]

You're damned right you are — [[you've got a show to host->end2]]!

<img src="stephen2.png" /> Hey — that [[cabinet<-man-sized cabinet]] looks interesting. Maybe you should [[explore the man-sized cabinet->cabinet]].

Are you sure you don't want to [[whatelse<-see the rest of the office]]? <center>[[cabinet2<-Positive]]</center>

<img src="stephen2.png" /> Hey — that [[cabinet2<-man-sized cabinet]] looks interesting. Maybe you should [[explore the man-sized cabinet->cabinet2]].

Sunlight peeks through a leafy canopy. You are now in a forest. Underneath a tree is a sleeping centaur. Do you want to [[sneak<-sneak past the centaur]], [[awaken the centaur->euphemism]] (euphemism) or [[awaken the centaur->literal]] (literal)?

A snowstorm has begun swirling around you, but there's a [[cave<-man-sized cave]] ahead, and an [[storm<-ominous castle]] in the distance.

Unfortunately, entry to the castle is barred by a massive wooden door. There is a ornate keyhole in the door, but the keyhole is frozen over with ice. [[trycandle<-Try the candle.]] [[trykey<-Try the key.]] [[tryblade<-Try the dagger.]]

Deep in the great hall, atop a [[throne<-golden throne]], sits a cloaked figured wearing a villainous scowl. This could only be Merlock, the evil wizard from before. He beckons for you to [[merlock<-approach]]. You could always [[flee, because you're a talk-show host, not the savior to an interdimensional cabinet kingdom->flee]].

As the candle soars towards him, Merlock tries everything in his power to put it out... ~ (set: $myVar to "Frost Lightning!")<tw-link class='cyclingLink' data-cycling-texts='["Frost Lightning!", "Water Lightning!", "Fire Extinguisher Foam Lightning!", "Business Spanish!", "A Team of Rivals!", "Hiring A Social Media Person!", "A Constructive Wizard-Candle Dialogue!", "Using the Birthday Wish He Saved Up!", "Magic Missile!", "Cone of Cold!", "Cone of Vomit!", "Street Magic!", "Gasoline Shower!", "Truly Impressive Air Guitar!", "Patiently Waiting It Out!", "Cognitive Behavioral Therapy!", "Opening A Window Because This Room Has A Draft!", "Calling the Fire Department!", "Fleeing Like A Coward!"]' onclick='clickCyclingLink(this, "$myVar");'>$myVar</tw-link> ~ ...but nothing works because this candle is magic, remember? The candle lands on Merlock, [[setting him ablaze->setfire3]].

<img src="flames.png" /> Merlock [[setfire4<-dies in agony]] and you win 1000 Points!

A portal of light appears behind Merlock's still-screaming bones. [[Enter portal->portal]] [[Kick Merlock's bones->kick]]

“I'm a monster, and I eat gold and use bones for currency. Give me your money.” Is he talking about your gold or your bones? Either way, you're going to have to fight your way past this thing. [[bpunch<-Punch its head]] [[breason<-Try to reason with it]] [[bquotes<-Say intimidating lines from movies]]

<img src="endslate.png" /> ~ Made with <a href="http://twinery.org/" target="_blank">Twine</a> ~