No Thanks Sexy Santa, Classic Santa Gets Our Motors Humming

This is a portrait of how Santa should look.

This is a portrait of how Santa should look.

As James Corden discussed in his monologue tonight, there's a disturbing new trend of hip, sexy versions of Santa Claus. Why are they trying to fix something that's not broken? Children want an obese man in red velvet breaking into their houses with gifts, not some fit dude with a beard. That guy won't just eat your cookies; he'll steal your mom away to a vacation in Cancun and come back as your "new dad." Which sends your real dad on a yearlong drinking binge that makes him believe elves are stealing the change in his couch.

Click through the following images and we'll prove the classic Santa is the only one we need.  

Image by © Blue Lantern Studio/Corbis
Classic Santa is already sexy enough.

Classic Santa is already sexy enough.

Just look at that pose. It's a little Marilyn Monroe mixed with Wilford Brimley. That is the perfect amount of sex appeal for a man with strangers' children sitting on his lap. 

Image by © Blue Lantern Studio/Corbis
We're not saying that Santa can't still be cool...

We're not saying that Santa can't still be cool...

...But it should be "dad cool." Santa's cool level should only be as high as when your dad raps or buys skinny jeans. It's cool, but also kinda funny-sad.

Image by © Anthony Redpath/Masterfile/Corbis
Santa should always look like he has a secret.

Santa should always look like he has a secret.

Cool guys don't have secrets. They might think they have secrets, but we all know what they are: women sleep with them and bartenders give them free whiskey sodas. 

Image by © Emma Tunbridge/Corbis
Santa should be a just little mischievous.

Santa should be a just little mischievous.

Santa should not be a bad boy with a man bun. He should do harmless pranks like, "Look, I'm going to steal your baby. I'm going to steal him. Here I go ... Just kidding! Here's your baby back." 

Image by © Con Tanasiuk/Design Pics/Corbis
Santa should scare kids a little.

Santa should scare kids a little.

Claus can be children's friend, but if they're bad, he can make their worst nightmares a reality. No Christmas gifts, only coal in their stockings. Sexy Santas don't have that kind of gravitas. Kids see right through them. 

Image by © Bettmann/CORBIS
Santa should look a little like a homeless man.

Santa should look a little like a homeless man.

The guy is traveling around the whole world in a night. You'd look ragged, too.

Image by © Masterfile/Corbis
If you want a bad boy Santa, give him back his pipe.

If you want a bad boy Santa, give him back his pipe.

Anti-tobacco advocates have made it difficult for Santa to smoke his classic pipe. However, if people are craving sexier, more dangerous Santas, why not give back the pipe? It still fits with classic Santa.

Image by © GraphicaArtis/Corbis

"Just calling to say, 'I'm gorgeous.'"

"Stop messing with my image!"

Image by © Con Tanasiuk/Design Pics/Corbis
He'll make your mustache curl.

He'll make your mustache curl.

Keep it classy. Keep it classic.

Image by © Brownie Harris/Corbis