Insulting These Adorable Dogs, Just Because We Legally Can

You're no Hasselhoff. Put your shirt back on.

You're no Hasselhoff. Put your shirt back on.

In James Corden's monologue tonight, he discussed a news story about a man in Thailand who might serve prison time for insulting the King's dog online. That's insane. We should all be able to mock dogs on the internet. That's just a basic human right. And guess what, the dogs won't even know. They don't understand sarcasm or mockery or reading.

To prove a point, we're going to insult over 30 dogs in this gallery. And they're not just random dogs we found online, they're all from our staff members. We're confident we can insult our own dogs and it won't be weird with them when we get home.

Above photo courtesy of Zeberiah Newman
I think God forgot to properly inflate your face.

I think God forgot to properly inflate your face.

Photo courtesy of Lauren Shapiro
Are you auditioning for Gremlins 3?

Are you auditioning for Gremlins 3?

Photo courtesy of Jess Honeycutt
Are you a dog or did Wilford Brimley sleep with a shag rug?

Are you a dog or did Wilford Brimley sleep with a shag rug?

Photo courtesy of Ben Winston
Great beards, move to Portland and grow a man-bun like every other unemployed hipster.

Great beards, move to Portland and grow a man-bun like every other unemployed hipster.

Photo courtesy of Tyler White
You do realize your teeth are supposed to go inside your mouth, right?

You do realize your teeth are supposed to go inside your mouth, right?

Photo courtesy of Ari Blau
Does your face always look like it should be on a 'Who Farted' T-Shirt?

Does your face always look like it should be on a 'Who Farted' T-Shirt?

Photo courtesy of Brooke Taylor
Duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Photo courtesy of Chris Albright
You're so nasty, your mother didn't even want to eat you at birth.

You're so nasty, your mother didn't even want to eat you at birth.

Photo courtesy of Marquita Brookins
Sweet hoodie. Are you a dog or a blogger?

Sweet hoodie. Are you a dog or a blogger?

Photo courtesy of Ryan McKee
I heard the Navy kicked you out for spending all your time on the poop deck.

I heard the Navy kicked you out for spending all your time on the poop deck.

Photo courtesy of Brad Conlin
Set the traps, a rat is in the house.

Set the traps, a rat is in the house.

Photo courtesy of Ryan McKee
Too easy ... Next!

Too easy ... Next!

Photo courtesy of Kate Cronk
Is that your tongue or an ironing board?

Is that your tongue or an ironing board?

Photo courtesy of Justin Shanes
You don't work, you don't clean, and now you're too dumb to help paddle to safety.

You don't work, you don't clean, and now you're too dumb to help paddle to safety.

Photo courtesy of Charlie Kesslering
The dog catcher called the zoo because he thought you were a baboon.

The dog catcher called the zoo because he thought you were a baboon.

Photo courtesy of Jeff Kopp
You're so ugly, your mama tried to bury you instead of a bone.

You're so ugly, your mama tried to bury you instead of a bone.

Photo courtesy of Glenn Clements
Is that a jack-o'-lantern or self portrait?

Is that a jack-o'-lantern or self portrait?

Photo courtesy of Johnny Montgomery
You've gotten so much work done, you look like a cat.

You've gotten so much work done, you look like a cat.

Photo courtesy of Kate Schellenbach
Is there any way you can wear more clothing? Like over your face?

Is there any way you can wear more clothing? Like over your face?

Photo courtesy of Sean O'Connor
Nice fedora.

Nice fedora.

Photo courtesy of Lauren Greenberg
Did you just get back from jamming with your KISS cover band?

Did you just get back from jamming with your KISS cover band?

Photo courtesy of Matt Shaw
Do you still love nature .... despite what it did to you?

Do you still love nature .... despite what it did to you?

Photo courtesy of Morgan Bender
You'll have to run for days to lose all that pregnancy weight.

You'll have to run for days to lose all that pregnancy weight.

Photo courtesy of Natalie Matti
Is that a human coming out of your butt?

Is that a human coming out of your butt?

Photo courtesy of Paris Simpson
When I said you're so fat you probably eat toilet paper rolls, I didn’t mean it literally.

When I said you're so fat you probably eat toilet paper rolls, I didn’t mean it literally.

Photo courtesy of Rachel Hull
You are so ugly that when your owner dropped you off at obedience school he got a fine for littering.

You are so ugly that when your owner dropped you off at obedience school he got a fine for littering.

Photo courtesy of Brian Potter
Look who's too poor to buy their own boats.

Look who's too poor to buy their own boats.

Photo courtesy of Rachel Yonda
It's not even cold, your owner just wants to see less of you.

It's not even cold, your owner just wants to see less of you.

Photo courtesy of Samantha DeMaria
Who’d you pay to take these headshots … a guy with a flip phone?

Who’d you pay to take these headshots … a guy with a flip phone?

Photo courtesy of Mong Chan
You're so ugly Hello Kitty said goodbye to you.

You're so ugly Hello Kitty said goodbye to you.

Photo courtesy of Lauren Wyckoff