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New Stephen Colbert Video Game Grinds Nation's Productivity to Screeching Halt

Posted on Jul 16, 2015 | 01:30pm

New Stephen Colbert Video Game Grinds Nation’s Productivity to Screeching Halt
Economy in Death Throes as Late Show Fans Tackle Thrilling 6-Bit Adventure
LEVEL ONE—The global marketplace was dealt a King Hippo-strength knockout today as Stephen Colbert released his new video game, Escape from the Man-Sized Cabinet. Upon booting up the hotly anticipated office-adventure-RPG, workers around the globe abandoned their in-progress spreadsheets, PowerPoint presentations, and open heart surgeries in order to play the game nonstop.
“It’s no wonder people love Escape from the Man-Sized Cabinet so much. It’s the world’s greatest Stephen Colbert simulator… unless my whole life is some kind of elaborate Matrix-like virtual reality,” said Stephen Colbert, Host and Secret Unlockable Character of the Late Show. “It’s so good, I’m ending this interview right now so that I can get back to playing. Up, up, down, down, right, left, right, left, B, A! Wait, I did me wrong.”
Workers around the country have lost themselves in the immersive adventure story, staring glassy-eyed at their computer screens as a thin line of saliva drips unnoticed from their lower lip. With unproductivity at an all-time high, the Dow Jones Industrial Average has plummeted to its lowest point since Henry Paulson accidentally leaned against the “money dump” lever in 2008.
Escape from the Man-Sized Cabinet is the first in what one imagines will be a long line of critically-acclaimed Stephen Colbert video games like Stephen the HedgehogGrand Theft Stephen, and Stephémon: Chartreuse Edition. It is currently supported on all Internet browsers at, and will be made available for the Amiga later this year.
Stephen Colbert will level up on “The Late Show with Stephen Colbert,” on September 8th on CBS.
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The Late Show with Stephen Colbert