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New Stephen Colbert Video Game Grinds Nation's Productivity to Screeching Halt

Posted on Jul 16, 2015 | 01:30pm
FOR BUTTON-MASHING RELEASE

 
New Stephen Colbert Video Game Grinds Nation’s Productivity to Screeching Halt
Economy in Death Throes as Late Show Fans Tackle Thrilling 6-Bit Adventure
 
LEVEL ONE—The global marketplace was dealt a King Hippo-strength knockout today as Stephen Colbert released his new video game, Escape from the Man-Sized Cabinet. Upon booting up the hotly anticipated office-adventure-RPG, workers around the globe abandoned their in-progress spreadsheets, PowerPoint presentations, and open heart surgeries in order to play the game nonstop.
 
“It’s no wonder people love Escape from the Man-Sized Cabinet so much. It’s the world’s greatest Stephen Colbert simulator… unless my whole life is some kind of elaborate Matrix-like virtual reality,” said Stephen Colbert, Host and Secret Unlockable Character of the Late Show. “It’s so good, I’m ending this interview right now so that I can get back to playing. Up, up, down, down, right, left, right, left, B, A! Wait, I did me wrong.”
 
Workers around the country have lost themselves in the immersive adventure story, staring glassy-eyed at their computer screens as a thin line of saliva drips unnoticed from their lower lip. With unproductivity at an all-time high, the Dow Jones Industrial Average has plummeted to its lowest point since Henry Paulson accidentally leaned against the “money dump” lever in 2008.
 
Escape from the Man-Sized Cabinet is the first in what one imagines will be a long line of critically-acclaimed Stephen Colbert video games like Stephen the HedgehogGrand Theft Stephen, and Stephémon: Chartreuse Edition. It is currently supported on all Internet browsers at http://colbertlateshow.com/escape-from-the-man-sized-cabinet/, and will be made available for the Amiga later this year.
 
Stephen Colbert will level up on “The Late Show with Stephen Colbert,” on September 8th on CBS.
 
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