Talk Takeaway: Relationships with Tamsen Fadal

Posted on Jun 24, 2013 | 10:45am

Relationship expert Tamsen Fadal tells us the "dos and don'ts" of dating after a breakup!  


Don't date just because your ex is dating.
Don't date just because your ex is dating someone! A lot of people do this because they think it's a competition. "If he's out there, then I need to get out there and date again!" They think it's a contest rather than dealing with their own issues first. What you really need to do right now is get over your ex before dumping your issues on someone new.


Stop lying to yourself about what you "need.
Don't lie to yourself about what you think you "need." What you "need" is to have fun, not fall in love right now. After a breakup, I think a lot of people say, "I have to get out of there and I need to fall in love again. I need to find a partner." No. First, figure out who YOU are. Figure out WHAT you need. You don't need to have something just because someone else has it/ And you also don't "need" to commit to one person right now. Date multiple people! You just got out of a committed relationship so date, date, date. If you jump into another relationship, you may end up with the same type of partner you just broke up with.


Learn who you are.
The dating scene changes all the time! Even if you've only been out of it for five years, it's going to look different when you jump back in. But if you're in your 40s, don't run around like you're in your 20s, going out to nightclubs and parting all night. Maybe that was never you to begin with, so don't try it now! Maybe bowling is your thing -- so go bowling!  Or go to an art exhibit, the theater, whatever -- but make sure you're being true to yourself.


Don't jump into bed right away.
Don't jump in bed with first person who shows you attention. I get it, you've gotten out of a relationship and you want to feel attractive again. You want to feel like someone wants you again. But jumping into bed with the first person who shows you attention is not going to feel good in the morning. If you jump into bed with someone on the first date, and then there is no second date, you might just feel like you're reliving that bad breakup all over again.


Keep Saturday nights to yourself.
On a Saturday night, I eat pizza in my sweats with my Chihuahua on my lap, watching a movie, and no man in my bed. I'm dating, but I set aside either my Saturday or Sunday night and make sure it is still mine. The truth is there is something good about being alone. There is nothing worse than being out on a date with someone I don't want to be with and feeling lonely.