STUMP THE BAND: We borrowed this from Johnny Carson (borrowed, not stolen, since we are giving it back when we are done). Dave heads into the audience, makes some small talk, and then asks the audience member if he or she has a song they think will "Stump the Band." During rehearsal, I played the audience contestant. We rehearse to make sure we have the correct camera angles, the audio from the boom microphone will be in the right place, and the lighting is satisfactory. And usually when we walk through a new segment like this, we discover a problem or two none of us anticipated. That is why we rehearse. It is why I coined the phrase, "If it's not rehearsed, expect the worst." Agreed, it doesn't quite measure up to "Three-peat" but many here agree with my pithy, T-shirt worthy, slogan. During rehearsal, the only song I could come up with was "On the Sunnyside of the Street." Paul pretended not to know the song (rehearsal is very loose) and I was then asked to perform my song. I was hoping we would have ended the rehearsal at this point since we covered all the unknown elements in the segment. It was not to be. I was asked to perform my song. Long ago I learned when it comes to performing, if you are not good, at least be loud. Tossing aside my nervousness (should we really be nervous over things like this anymore?), I belted out my shortened version of "On The Sunnyside of the Street."
"Grab your coat and get your hat,
Leave your worries on the doorstep.
Just direct your feet
To the sunnyside of the street."

Years from now, my 5-year-old twin girls will be able to tell their children, "You know, your grandpa once sang on Broadway."

Before the show, segment producers combed the audience line looking for possible contestants. I'm not sure how they go about it but I suspect they look for people who appear friendly, speak clearly, and have a song in their heart. When they have chosen 3-5 participants, they are seated on the aisle and it is up to Dave on whom to select. And you see the rest.

Paul was excited when he heard we were borrowing from Johnny Carson's "Tonight Show". So excited was Paul that he quickly put on his Carnac hat. Paul then puts an envelope to his head and says, "Dolly Parton and Gary Condit." Paul rips off the top edge of the envelope, blows it open, and removes the question that was hermetically sealed in a mayonnaise jar. He then reads the question to the answer, "Dolly Parton and Gary Condit." Paul reads, "Name three really huge boobs."
Though finding it quite funny, Dave has to break the bad news to Paul that we did not borrow the Carnac piece from Mr. Carson but "Stump the Band." "AH!" says Paul.

STUMP THE BAND
CONTESTANT #1: Steve Phipps of Baltimore, Maryland. Steve's song: "Alice the Camel." Paul thought he and the band knew the song, sang a couple bars, but were told he was mistaken. Although a lovely tune, it was not the song Steve from Baltimore was looking for.
It was Steve's turn to sing:
"Alice the Camel has 5 humps,
Alice the Camel has 5 humps,
Alice the Camel has 5 humps,
So ride Alive, ride (boom, boom, boom, boom)"

Steve Phipps of Baltimore, Maryland is a cheater. The song is "SALLY the Camel," not "Alice the Camel." "Sally the Camel" is a song I learned watching the Barney on TV with my kids. I know Paul has kids and I would bet Paul would have known "Alice the Camel" if Steve titled it "Sally the Camel." For his deceit, Steve was rewarded with a dinner for two at a fine New York City restaurant.
Right about this time I would say, "Cheat, cheat, never beat," except the "cheat cheat" beat us. I wanted to call Johnny to find out how he prevented the above from happening.

CONTESTANT #2: Regina Owen from Memphis, Tennessee. Her song, "The Little Green Frog." Paul and the band took a shot at "The Little Green Frog" but again fell short. As soon as Regina began singing her version, I knew it to be a kid's song even though I was unfamiliar with it. (truthfully, I was typing up late-incoming intros for tonight's guests and missed much of what was happening.) Regina received a certificate for some free dining.

CONTESTANT #3: Daniel Cohen of Westfield, Illinois: Daniel's song, "I Like School." It's funny. The second I saw Daniel Cohen I said to myself, "I bet that guy likes school." Did Paul and the band know "I Like School"? Nope, they were stumped again. Daniel then took his turn at the microphone as he sang, and I'm paraphrasing:
"I like school.
I like school.
I like school.
Because I'm in Kindergarten."

Now it makes sense.

TOP TEN: Magician Pet Peeves.
#8. When Plumber says, "You're the magician, you unclog it.
#7. Due to screw up at Magic Shop you pull a Rabbi out of your hat.

MEREDITH VIEIRA: From "The View." To help get through these hard times, Meredith drinks the wine. Me too. In fact it helps me get through the good times, too. This Saturday night on CBS is the Miss America Pageant, hosted by Tony Danza (and you thought you had no plans this weekend). Meredith Vieira hosted the Pageant in 1998. Dave wondered if it was a good idea to hold the Pageant following the events of last week. She thinks it is a good idea as a way for America to work its way back to normalcy. That's right, when I think of "normal" in America, I think of the Miss America Pageant. All kidding aside, I stopped watching the Miss Amercia Pageant ever since they shunted Bert Parks aside in favor of Ron Ely, a former Tarzan. That's right, I won't forget.

Who from "The View" has been on our show? Barbara Walters, Star Jones, and Meredith Vieira. Joy Behar was on the show but it was the show hosted by Kathie Lee in February of 00. Lisa Ling has never been on. I know what you're saying, "Yes she has!" Nope, you're wrong. You're thinking of Lucy Liu.

STEPHEN E. AMBROSE: He has the #1 New York Times best-selling hardcover AND softcover books right now. ("The Wild Blue" and "Band of Brothers") He is also America's foremost World War II historian.
Stephen Ambrose offers these two quotes from former President Dwight D. Eisenhower, which especially has relevance today.

"Hitler should beware the fury of an aroused Democracy."

"It would be a grievous error to forget for one second the might and power of this great republic."

Stephen Ambrose wrote a book called "Halleck: Lincoln's Chief of Staff" when he was a grad student at the University of Wisconsin. It didn't sell very well. When he was 28, Stephen received a phone call from former President Dwight D. Eisenhower. Eisenhower read the "Halleck" book and wanted Ambrose to "put his papers in order." Some time later, Ambrose asked if he could write Eisenhower's biography. And he did.

See that, kids? What you do in college can pay off.

Ambrose authored "Band of Brothers" (now running on the HBO). He also wrote a book that was the inspiration to "Saving Private Ryan," the movie directed by Steven Spielberg. Just before the picture was to be released, Spielberg gave a private viewing for Ambrose and asked his opinion. Spielberg said he would change anything that Ambrose thought needed changing. The first thing Ambrose said was, "You gotta get rid of Tom Hanks. He's too old to have been a Ranger captain." Spielberg yelled, "You're funny. Next." Spielberg and Hanks will soon be working on two Iwo Jima films. Did Ambrose have any suggestions for Spielberg? Yes. "Get rid of Hanks. He's too old to be an ensign." Spielberg offered a compromise. He promoted Hanks.

Ambrose says he recently interviewed the reclusive Neil Armstrong, the first man to step foot on the moon. Ambrose says the interview with Neil Armstrong was one of the most interesting, if not THE most interesting interview he's ever conducted. Ambrose calls Armstrong the real deal.

SHERYL CROW, EMMYLOU HARRIS, AND GILLIAN WELCH: Singing, "Rising Star" followed by "Will The Circle Be Unbroken."

And that was our show for Friday, September 21, 2001.